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I know this is true for divorce situations (probably because of the fighting), but I didn't know that polyamorous parents could mess up a child's psychological

I know this is true for divorce situations (probably because of the fighting), but I didn't know that polyamorous parents could mess up a child's psychological development. Any sources for this?

mantas 8y ago
Not the OP, but one important bit for the kid is to have stable set of rules. If there're multiple individuals with different parenting styles, kid gets confused and don't know who to look up to and what rules to follow. That needs good coordination even in mom-dad situation. And gets more and more complicated if more people are involved. More specifically for polyamorous, it seems to keep much harder a stable, jealousy-free, neutral relationship. Even in mom-dad, kids tend to pick favourite parent or parent picks a favourite kid and that creates all sorts of issues. This would definitely add much more tension with multiple "moms" and "dads" around.
- jamescostian 8y ago
  Those are very good points, thank you. I agree that having more people increases the chances that there will be more different parenting styles. And when the child picks a favorite, there will be more people whose feelings get hurt. And I can totally see how both of those things would negatively impact the parents and child.
- flukus 8y ago
  > Not the OP, but one important bit for the kid is to have stable set of rules. If there're multiple individuals with different parenting styles, kid gets confused and don't know who to look up to and what rules to follow. Don't they always adapt to different rule sets anyway? There is one set at home, one at school, one when they go visit the grand parents and one for whoever is babysitting. There is a lot of overlap but a lot of exceptions/infractions depending on the context. Plus kids are more or less constantly probing for edge cases and try to push the boundaries naturally.
  - bnjms 8y ago
    > Don't they always adapt to different rule sets anyway? ... Plus kids are more or less constantly probing for edge cases and try to push the boundaries naturally. Isn’t this observation kinda the point of the assertion kids need a stable set of rules at home going back to one source above others whether that is either parent or both as a pair. That’s what prevents them from endlessly pushing their boundaries out. Also this kind of reasoning is hard in forums because people on forums seem to have a lot of difficulty not crossing generations for groups with specific examples and hypotheticals.
    - flukus 8y ago
      > Isn’t this observation kinda the point of the assertion kids need a stable set of rules at home going back to one source above others whether that is either parent or both as a pair. That assumes that their parents are the ultimate source of authority and in many cases they aren't. Parents don't typically enforce much of a dress code for instance, but schools will often require uniforms. Kids have to learn a different set of rules for different contexts. > That’s what prevents them from endlessly pushing their boundaries out. The only thing that seems to prevent it (or limit it anyway) is constant enforcement, but that's also usually limited to where they have authority. A rule not being enforce in one context is a rule that will probably be broken in that context. Once in a while breaking these rules might even make them appreciate them.
      - mantas 8y ago
        > That assumes that their parents are the ultimate source of authority and in many cases they aren't. They're in early age. > Parents don't typically enforce much of a dress code for instance, but schools will often require uniforms Ultimately it is on parents. If parents DGAF, kids are likely to stretch the dress code. At least here, schools can only call home and ask parents to make sure they will wear uniforms. Worst school can do is send kid home. Then it's on parents to enforce the uniform. > Kids have to learn a different set of rules for different contexts Different context. But multiple-mom-dads at home would be same context with simultaneous nodes. > The only thing that seems to prevent it (or limit it anyway) is constant enforcement, but that's also usually limited to where they have authority And with multiple-mom-dads it's likely there won't be constant, consistent enforcement. We've a saying in my mother tongue that roughly translates to "9 nannies and the kid is headless". So far in my observations it's 120% true. Both in kids raising and elsewhere in life, e.g. project masnagement. If there's no single person who takes responsibility (or multiple persons coordinating fantastically well), you're in for a rough ride.
distant_hat 8y ago
'Messes up' might be a harsh term but there are a number of threads on Reddit asking people about growing up with swinging or poly parents. If the primary relationship is strong and kids get exposed to certain things at the right time, it seems they don't have any negative impact and maybe some positive impact seeing different kinds of relationships etc. In other cases, some had negative associations from homes getting broken up due to one partner getting closer to someone else or poly relationships which split up.

I know this is true for divorce situations (probably because of the fighting), but I didn't know that polyamorous parents could mess up a child's psychological development. Any sources for this?

mantas 8y ago

Not the OP, but one important bit for the kid is to have stable set of rules. If there're multiple individuals with different parenting styles, kid gets confused and don't know who to look up to and what rules to follow. That needs good coordination even in mom-dad situation. And gets more and more complicated if more people are involved. More specifically for polyamorous, it seems to keep much harder a stable, jealousy-free, neutral relationship. Even in mom-dad, kids tend to pick favourite parent or parent picks a favourite kid and that creates all sorts of issues. This would definitely add much more tension with multiple "moms" and "dads" around.

jamescostian 8y ago
Those are very good points, thank you. I agree that having more people increases the chances that there will be more different parenting styles. And when the child picks a favorite, there will be more people whose feelings get hurt. And I can totally see how both of those things would negatively impact the parents and child.
flukus 8y ago
> Not the OP, but one important bit for the kid is to have stable set of rules. If there're multiple individuals with different parenting styles, kid gets confused and don't know who to look up to and what rules to follow. Don't they always adapt to different rule sets anyway? There is one set at home, one at school, one when they go visit the grand parents and one for whoever is babysitting. There is a lot of overlap but a lot of exceptions/infractions depending on the context. Plus kids are more or less constantly probing for edge cases and try to push the boundaries naturally.
- bnjms 8y ago
  > Don't they always adapt to different rule sets anyway? ... Plus kids are more or less constantly probing for edge cases and try to push the boundaries naturally. Isn’t this observation kinda the point of the assertion kids need a stable set of rules at home going back to one source above others whether that is either parent or both as a pair. That’s what prevents them from endlessly pushing their boundaries out. Also this kind of reasoning is hard in forums because people on forums seem to have a lot of difficulty not crossing generations for groups with specific examples and hypotheticals.
  - flukus 8y ago
    > Isn’t this observation kinda the point of the assertion kids need a stable set of rules at home going back to one source above others whether that is either parent or both as a pair. That assumes that their parents are the ultimate source of authority and in many cases they aren't. Parents don't typically enforce much of a dress code for instance, but schools will often require uniforms. Kids have to learn a different set of rules for different contexts. > That’s what prevents them from endlessly pushing their boundaries out. The only thing that seems to prevent it (or limit it anyway) is constant enforcement, but that's also usually limited to where they have authority. A rule not being enforce in one context is a rule that will probably be broken in that context. Once in a while breaking these rules might even make them appreciate them.
    - mantas 8y ago
      > That assumes that their parents are the ultimate source of authority and in many cases they aren't. They're in early age. > Parents don't typically enforce much of a dress code for instance, but schools will often require uniforms Ultimately it is on parents. If parents DGAF, kids are likely to stretch the dress code. At least here, schools can only call home and ask parents to make sure they will wear uniforms. Worst school can do is send kid home. Then it's on parents to enforce the uniform. > Kids have to learn a different set of rules for different contexts Different context. But multiple-mom-dads at home would be same context with simultaneous nodes. > The only thing that seems to prevent it (or limit it anyway) is constant enforcement, but that's also usually limited to where they have authority And with multiple-mom-dads it's likely there won't be constant, consistent enforcement. We've a saying in my mother tongue that roughly translates to "9 nannies and the kid is headless". So far in my observations it's 120% true. Both in kids raising and elsewhere in life, e.g. project masnagement. If there's no single person who takes responsibility (or multiple persons coordinating fantastically well), you're in for a rough ride.

distant_hat 8y ago

'Messes up' might be a harsh term but there are a number of threads on Reddit asking people about growing up with swinging or poly parents. If the primary relationship is strong and kids get exposed to certain things at the right time, it seems they don't have any negative impact and maybe some positive impact seeing different kinds of relationships etc. In other cases, some had negative associations from homes getting broken up due to one partner getting closer to someone else or poly relationships which split up.