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A very close relative of mine got a similar massive stroke when he was around 60 that also hit the language center. Even if I was quite young I remember that mo

by belorn 8y ago

A very close relative of mine got a similar massive stroke when he was around 60 that also hit the language center. Even if I was quite young I remember that moment of frustration in the hospital when when he could not talk with either of us. The doctor explained he would unlikely survive the night, and even if he did he would not be able to leave the hospital bed. His daughter did the same however what the person in this article did and demanded full treatment including surgery which the doctor advised against. Against very unlikely odds he recovered. A few years later he was biking to the bank and climbing the cherry tree on the yard. His ability to make himself understood was extremely limited where basically only his daughter sometimes understood him, through writing and reading did very slowly come back to a minor degree many years later. He died less than a year ago at age 93. I writing this not inject doubt in your decision, and there are many differences, but I would like to share how impossible the decision can be. I read articles like this and acknowledge the massive amount of unnecessary pain many has to go through in their last days, but if I end up having to make a similar decision I don't know what I would do or think.

silencio 8y ago
The decision is easier when you have conversations and put wishes in writing before they are necessary. And update them as needed. My dad has ESRD and we've had some conversations about what he would want at the end. Many of the potential issues we've discussed involve getting 2nd+ opinions if necessary... but he also makes it clear (and I agree with him) that at some point the treatment and recovery process itself might not be worth it for an unknown recovery for him. I think this communication respects that this is a difficult decision, and I've come to the conclusion that decisions can be reached that may not be the "best" objective decision (e.g surviving another 33 years) but it is a decision that the person supports, so that you as a survivor can be at peace with it too. So like, if my dad were in a situation similar to your relative - I already know that he would feel that the numerous procedures and years of recovery outweigh 33 more years of life. I would not seek full treatment. Knowing this makes me at peace with anything that can happen, more than anything else we could do. I was inspired largely by Atul Gawande's book "Being Mortal" - where he talks about and discusses ways that we can figure out how to live our life at the end, rather than be worried about death.
- belorn 8y ago
  (sorry for delayed reply, the comment brought back quite a few things). Yes. Having the conversation before really helps. Not only is it said to put less stress on those close to oneself, but it put things in a bit larger perspective. A 2nd+ opinion is also critical, and who know what one would have said in our case. I strongly hope that the medical science is today better than 30 years ago so that the advice the doctors gives are today more accurate. For myself I have thought a few times about what I would want, but have not reached a decision. The article is a strong reminder how badly it can and in many cases will happen when someone demand full treatment.
throw7 8y ago
Communication is key before a loved one ends up in these situations. I've gone through a similar situation to the experiences in this thread. It's so tough even so. That said... my dad had a living will I didn't know about until he had a stroke... one of the most painful weeks of my life.
ScottBurson 8y ago
My father had a massive stroke one morning in 2002 as he was getting ready to go play tennis. In the hospital he had severe brain swelling and was clearly in tremendous pain. His wife — his second wife, not my mother, and roughly a dozen years younger than he was — was not ready to let him go, despite his pleas that he be allowed to die. She fought heroically with the hospital staff, getting them to do various things they didn't think would help much, until he was recovered enough to go home (I don't recall how long that took — a couple of weeks, I guess, or more). He lived another two and a half years or so, but he was pretty miserable the whole time. I could admire her tenacity in keeping him alive, but it's very clear she did it for herself, because she needed to get used to the idea of him dying, not for him.
- bg24 8y ago
  "He lived another two and a half years or so, but he was pretty miserable the whole time." This was no doubt difficult on him. It must have been tough on the rest of the family members as well. Lives and careers sometimes go for a toss while taking care of loved ones who become disabled. Because you love them, you want to take care of them.

by belorn 8y ago

silencio 8y ago

The decision is easier when you have conversations and put wishes in writing before they are necessary. And update them as needed. My dad has ESRD and we've had some conversations about what he would want at the end. Many of the potential issues we've discussed involve getting 2nd+ opinions if necessary... but he also makes it clear (and I agree with him) that at some point the treatment and recovery process itself might not be worth it for an unknown recovery for him. I think this communication respects that this is a difficult decision, and I've come to the conclusion that decisions can be reached that may not be the "best" objective decision (e.g surviving another 33 years) but it is a decision that the person supports, so that you as a survivor can be at peace with it too. So like, if my dad were in a situation similar to your relative - I already know that he would feel that the numerous procedures and years of recovery outweigh 33 more years of life. I would not seek full treatment. Knowing this makes me at peace with anything that can happen, more than anything else we could do. I was inspired largely by Atul Gawande's book "Being Mortal" - where he talks about and discusses ways that we can figure out how to live our life at the end, rather than be worried about death.

belorn 8y ago
(sorry for delayed reply, the comment brought back quite a few things). Yes. Having the conversation before really helps. Not only is it said to put less stress on those close to oneself, but it put things in a bit larger perspective. A 2nd+ opinion is also critical, and who know what one would have said in our case. I strongly hope that the medical science is today better than 30 years ago so that the advice the doctors gives are today more accurate. For myself I have thought a few times about what I would want, but have not reached a decision. The article is a strong reminder how badly it can and in many cases will happen when someone demand full treatment.

throw7 8y ago

Communication is key before a loved one ends up in these situations. I've gone through a similar situation to the experiences in this thread. It's so tough even so. That said... my dad had a living will I didn't know about until he had a stroke... one of the most painful weeks of my life.

ScottBurson 8y ago

My father had a massive stroke one morning in 2002 as he was getting ready to go play tennis. In the hospital he had severe brain swelling and was clearly in tremendous pain. His wife — his second wife, not my mother, and roughly a dozen years younger than he was — was not ready to let him go, despite his pleas that he be allowed to die. She fought heroically with the hospital staff, getting them to do various things they didn't think would help much, until he was recovered enough to go home (I don't recall how long that took — a couple of weeks, I guess, or more). He lived another two and a half years or so, but he was pretty miserable the whole time. I could admire her tenacity in keeping him alive, but it's very clear she did it for herself, because she needed to get used to the idea of him dying, not for him.

bg24 8y ago
"He lived another two and a half years or so, but he was pretty miserable the whole time." This was no doubt difficult on him. It must have been tough on the rest of the family members as well. Lives and careers sometimes go for a toss while taking care of loved ones who become disabled. Because you love them, you want to take care of them.