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This short post has caused a war in my own mind! On the one hand, sometimes my girlfriend and I tickle each other and sometimes she gets the better of me. She
by Evan_Hellmuth 8y ago
This short post has caused a war in my own mind!
On the one hand, sometimes my girlfriend and I tickle each other and sometimes she gets the better of me. She can be relentless. I'll plead for her to stop, and I really truly want her to stop because I can barely breath, but she won't because she's interpreting my laughter as a "keep going" signal. So I've had to resort to ruthless counterattacks or ruins-the-fun physical defense (grab her wrists and force her to stop), which makes me feel like a jerk. Thus I fully support the "no means no" rule when it comes to tickling.
On the other hand, when your kid giggles and says "no..." but clearly wants to be tickled, you should tickle them! Just keep a careful eye out for signals that the fun is over. What kind of heartless monster trains kids to be as literal as possible all the time? Why not strive to teach them about appropriate context instead?
This post has made me realize that I hold these conflicting opinions simultaneously.
- yboris 8y agoMy wife and I have a safe-word. After 4 years married (8 years together) we seem to know each other well and can read each other. But it's an additional comfort to have a safe word we can resort to whenever. Seems like when you're breathless there's not much you can say, but perhaps you can have a safe gesture? Grab your own nose? Or something similarly unambiguous? Good luck and thanks for sharing!
- randallsquared 8y ago> What kind of heartless monster trains kids to be as literal as possible all the time? Why not strive to teach them about appropriate context instead? A heartless monster who understands that "appropriate context" is a rapidly moving target in the modern world, and who wants to ensure that their kids grow up safe from either side of both misunderstandings and "misunderstandings", insofar as that is possible.
- misnome 8y agoHonestly interested, do you have kids that you make this statement? I don't, but appreciate that as an adult, "appropriate context" is a rapidly moving target, and it seems that being trained to be and assume all-literal, all the time would have left me deeply unprepared for interacting with other human beings in the real world.
- randallsquared 8y agoI do not yet have kids. I don't think that the original article author intended to convey that they're teaching their kids to be all-literal, all the time, but to take a verbal "no" very literally, other statements aside. Lastly, I don't know that I would actually choose to raise my kids this way. I might instead think that it's enough to warn them about people at appropriate (to me and them) times. However, I think that choosing to prioritize social safety over social ease is not an indefensible child-raising strategy.
- lupire 8y agoYes, I have kids. It's especially important for kids to learn how to express consent/non-consent clearly, because they can be easily manipulated, confused, and lied to. I don't want a molester or bully to teach my child that molestation was my child's fault because "'no' means 'yes'". "literal all the time" is absurd hyperbole. Literal about personal bodily safety is good sense. And frankly, sarcasm is a "low" way of speaking, and we'd all do better to have less of is, particularly because people tend to forget that sarcasm is communicated through tone, so they keep trying and failing to use sarcasm effectively in text communication.
- empath75 8y agoI also let my kids say no when they don’t want to be tickled because I think its important at a young age to know they should have some control over their bodies. Because I’m not going to be the only adult they interact with.
- lupire 8y ago"appropriate context" isn't so much a moving target, as it is something people are learning about rapidly, and taking victims more seriously.
- throwaway66666 8y agoThink of cats and belly rubs. Now that's a mind war! Kitty lays on the floor showing you it's belly, you pet it two-three times, suddenly claws are out and you 're screaming for help! Learn to read when claws are close, and you 're golden :)
- fwip 8y agoKitty lies on its back because it wants to play-fight with you.
- randallsquared 8y ago...and what do you believe tickling is? :)
- lupire 8y agoplay fights are consensual. You can and should consent before a play fight starts, and have a clear way to end the play fight before you start.
- laughinghan 8y ago> What kind of heartless monster trains kids to be as literal as possible all the time? He doesn't say he trains them not to be sarcastic? Just to be literal about their personal boundaries. That doesn't seem heartless to me.
- jerf 8y ago"This post has made me realize that I hold these conflicting opinions simultaneously." I am not good with poetry, but I've enjoyed "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." from Walt Whitman's Song of Myself.
- nine_k 8y agoIf it's not fun, you can't ruin the fun. It's, of course, anybody's right to make oneself a toy for a partner, even if it hurts. But the partner might not like to actually hurt you, and might be sorry if she learned she did so by mistake.
- jpfed 8y ago>What kind of heartless monster trains kids to be as literal as possible all the time? Kids start out as literal as possible all the time, no training necessary. As far as my kids are concerned Amelia Bedelia's a documentary.
- michaelgrafl 8y agoGrown ups should be able to interpret spoken words in context and act accordingly. If my kid says 'no' but clearly signals the opposite, I take it as a yes. In doubt, I take it at face value. Clear communication is important to learn. But learning to understand subtext is in my opinion just as important.
- coldtea 8y ago>What kind of heartless monster trains kids to be as literal as possible all the time? A "modern" parent who has read too much for their own good.