4 ms·

Interpersonal relationships?

igor47 8y ago
I'm a fan of NVC(non-violent communication) and that framework could be summarized by the sentence, "when you do X,I feel Y". You basically become an instrument that reports on your internal state, plus you're also supposed to avoid assuming anything about the other person's internal state. This is a lot more like science then the usual default of blaming and assumptions and implicit expectations that most people conduct their relationships in.
- justtopost 8y ago
  I find that type of communication childing and dehumanizing. To each their own.
  - cobbzilla 8y ago
    Kinda ironic that your comment is a good example of this style, in describing your feelings using an “I” statement without attacking the speaker.
    - synecdoche 8y ago
      I would contend that despite the "I" the form of those words implies projection, or at least victimization of oneself.
  - benj111 8y ago
    Really? I do a similar thing when dealing with idiots (not idiots, fully formed human beings, with a legitimate point of view, probably not evil, probably quite normal in person) on the internet. I find it helps keep me sane.
  - tunesmith 8y ago
    If it were limited to "when you do blah, I feel blah" verbiage, it would feel like that. But it's more generally about taking accountability for one's own side, while listening to the other side, without needless escalation. I can't really see a flaw with that approach, other than it taking more work. I wonder how many arguments would be defused if both sides could phrase the other side's point of view in a way they would agree was accurately stated.
- groovy2shoes 8y ago
  When you talk like that, I feel as though I am talking to the emacs psychotherapist. It too is a mere instrument that reports on its internal state. If you have found it a useful communicative tool, then I am glad for you. No doubt communication can be hard, so we've gotta use whatever tools we find effective. But honestly when I try speaking like that, I can't help but feel like a robot or a program. It feels very unnatural and very awkward to me. Perhaps that distance is exactly what lends it efficacy for some people, but that very distance only lends it offputticacy for me. Am I right and you wrong? No, I don't think so. I have no reason to doubt that you have found success with such an approach. But were I a barkeep and you a patron responding like that when asked "why the long face?", you'd be getting a double of tequila on the house. (Tequila has a funny way of bringing out one's inner party, in my experience—or getting one started where there's yet only a quiet inner evening get-together). https://i.imgur.com/ShGZjQ6.png https://i.imgur.com/ShGZjQ6.png
- TimTheTinker 8y ago
  > "when you do X,I feel Y" Communication like that can be very helpful when dealing with personal conflict -- marriage, friendships, etc., but I can't see how that would help in the public sphere. If a political opponent, writer, or public speaker were to say or write something like that, it would be irritating and off-putting. I'd think "OK, but what's your point?"
  - TimTheTinker 8y ago
    To clarify, if a Senator stood up on the floor and began: “Mr President, when my honorable colleague argues in favor of [some policy], I feel shamed, belittled, and angry.” ... That would be inappropriate, unhelpful, and unproductive. It would be better to engage with the opponent’s argument with another argument than to resort to talking about personal feelings in that context.

I'm a fan of NVC(non-violent communication) and that framework could be summarized by the sentence, "when you do X,I feel Y". You basically become an instrument that reports on your internal state, plus you're also supposed to avoid assuming anything about the other person's internal state. This is a lot more like science then the usual default of blaming and assumptions and implicit expectations that most people conduct their relationships in.

justtopost 8y ago
I find that type of communication childing and dehumanizing. To each their own.
- cobbzilla 8y ago
  Kinda ironic that your comment is a good example of this style, in describing your feelings using an “I” statement without attacking the speaker.
  - synecdoche 8y ago
    I would contend that despite the "I" the form of those words implies projection, or at least victimization of oneself.
- benj111 8y ago
  Really? I do a similar thing when dealing with idiots (not idiots, fully formed human beings, with a legitimate point of view, probably not evil, probably quite normal in person) on the internet. I find it helps keep me sane.
- tunesmith 8y ago
  If it were limited to "when you do blah, I feel blah" verbiage, it would feel like that. But it's more generally about taking accountability for one's own side, while listening to the other side, without needless escalation. I can't really see a flaw with that approach, other than it taking more work. I wonder how many arguments would be defused if both sides could phrase the other side's point of view in a way they would agree was accurately stated.
groovy2shoes 8y ago
When you talk like that, I feel as though I am talking to the emacs psychotherapist. It too is a mere instrument that reports on its internal state. If you have found it a useful communicative tool, then I am glad for you. No doubt communication can be hard, so we've gotta use whatever tools we find effective. But honestly when I try speaking like that, I can't help but feel like a robot or a program. It feels very unnatural and very awkward to me. Perhaps that distance is exactly what lends it efficacy for some people, but that very distance only lends it offputticacy for me. Am I right and you wrong? No, I don't think so. I have no reason to doubt that you have found success with such an approach. But were I a barkeep and you a patron responding like that when asked "why the long face?", you'd be getting a double of tequila on the house. (Tequila has a funny way of bringing out one's inner party, in my experience—or getting one started where there's yet only a quiet inner evening get-together). https://i.imgur.com/ShGZjQ6.png https://i.imgur.com/ShGZjQ6.png
TimTheTinker 8y ago
> "when you do X,I feel Y" Communication like that can be very helpful when dealing with personal conflict -- marriage, friendships, etc., but I can't see how that would help in the public sphere. If a political opponent, writer, or public speaker were to say or write something like that, it would be irritating and off-putting. I'd think "OK, but what's your point?"
- TimTheTinker 8y ago
  To clarify, if a Senator stood up on the floor and began: “Mr President, when my honorable colleague argues in favor of [some policy], I feel shamed, belittled, and angry.” ... That would be inappropriate, unhelpful, and unproductive. It would be better to engage with the opponent’s argument with another argument than to resort to talking about personal feelings in that context.