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I have several friends that work as psychologist, and the consensus seems to be that while it is unhealthy to not express anger in any way, it is neither a good

I have several friends that work as psychologist, and the consensus seems to be that while it is unhealthy to not express anger in any way, it is neither a good thing to give in to anger. That is, if someones behaviour is provoking you, it would be good to air your troubles somehow. If you cant talk to the person in question, perhaps talk about it with your friends. But it would not be helpful to pick a fight or scream. Giving in to anger usually leads to more anger.

maroonblazer 8y ago
At least in the U.S. culturally I think we still have a long way to go when it comes to having what some have termed 'difficult conversations'[0]. In essence, confronting people with their behavior but in a way that's respectful and focused on the impact it has on the recipient (me) as opposed to the aggressor. Sure, it may not change their behavior, but processing the experience and the associated emotions - at least in my experience - is more effective than not dealing with them at all. [0]There's a good book on this subject called "Difficult Conversations": https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-...
scotty79 8y ago
> ... consensus seems to be that while it is unhealthy to not express anger in any way, it is neither a good thing to give in to anger. As far as I understand, the best way to deal with anger is never to act on it and distract yourself till it passes. The thing people talk about as suppressing anger is not actually suppressing. It's more like polishing it, sharpening, watering like a plant, fanning like a flame so it's ready for the time you will act on it. And that's definitely not healthy. Acting on anger to provide outlet is also bad because it increases probability of getting angry and acting angry in the future. The best way is actually suppressing anger. Observing, I'm angry. Deciding I'm never gonna act on this anger. So there's no point of holding onto it. Let's do something else till it extinguishes.
- beaconstudios 8y ago
  Suppressing anger leads to mental health issues. What you're describing isn't suppression (lying to yourself that you're not angry, or ignoring your feelings) - it's a healthy way to deal with it. Suppression is bad for your mental health, but acting impulsively on anger is bad for your social and probably physical wellbeing. What you need to do is feel the anger, acknowledge it, maybe talk it through with the appropriate person. Distracting yourself from it is also known as "bottling up your feelings" and it's a well known cause of problems.
  - scotty79 8y ago
    That's not bottling. You just don't pay attention to it and then you forget about what you were angry and forget you even were angry. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you are angry but only for the purpose of making a decission not to act on it and possibly postpone actions that you being angry might influence adversely. Talking it through will only increase likelyhood that the memory of being angry will stick with you. Bottling up your feelings is the other thing I describe where you keep your anger instead of letting it dissolve.
- koheripbal 8y ago
  I have found that understanding often diffuses anger. For example, if you are dangerously cut off by someone on the highway and you speed ahead to yell at them, your blood is boiling with the expectation of a confrontation... until you stop at the next light and realize the person is having a seizure and actually needs help! In that moment your new understanding of the situation melts your anger away very very effectively. In general, if you practice and train your mind to seek understanding of the circumstances surrounding the behavior that's making you angry, your anger will melt.
  - scotty79 8y ago
    I occasionally get angry at people doing unpredictable or frightening things on the road but I'm rarely blessed with understanding. What I do is I try to keep myself from building larger narrative around it with malicious reckless idiot drivers as the villains. Then each instance of anger lingers usually for roughly a day and then gets forgotten.
maire 8y ago
Anger is chemical and not psychological and will pass. See Sapolsky's discussion of the Limbic system: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAOnSbDSaOw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAOnSbDSaOw When I am angry I am self aware enough to wait until the chemicals are gone in order to discuss things. I don't think this is unhealthy in any way. In fact, I usually don't like the feeling of anger and look forward with happiness to the calm that will follow. It is interesting that the original source of anger becomes resolved once the chemicals are gone. I found it interesting that the Inuits do the same thing.

maroonblazer 8y ago

At least in the U.S. culturally I think we still have a long way to go when it comes to having what some have termed 'difficult conversations'[0]. In essence, confronting people with their behavior but in a way that's respectful and focused on the impact it has on the recipient (me) as opposed to the aggressor. Sure, it may not change their behavior, but processing the experience and the associated emotions - at least in my experience - is more effective than not dealing with them at all. [0]There's a good book on this subject called "Difficult Conversations": https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-...

scotty79 8y ago

> ... consensus seems to be that while it is unhealthy to not express anger in any way, it is neither a good thing to give in to anger. As far as I understand, the best way to deal with anger is never to act on it and distract yourself till it passes. The thing people talk about as suppressing anger is not actually suppressing. It's more like polishing it, sharpening, watering like a plant, fanning like a flame so it's ready for the time you will act on it. And that's definitely not healthy. Acting on anger to provide outlet is also bad because it increases probability of getting angry and acting angry in the future. The best way is actually suppressing anger. Observing, I'm angry. Deciding I'm never gonna act on this anger. So there's no point of holding onto it. Let's do something else till it extinguishes.

beaconstudios 8y ago
Suppressing anger leads to mental health issues. What you're describing isn't suppression (lying to yourself that you're not angry, or ignoring your feelings) - it's a healthy way to deal with it. Suppression is bad for your mental health, but acting impulsively on anger is bad for your social and probably physical wellbeing. What you need to do is feel the anger, acknowledge it, maybe talk it through with the appropriate person. Distracting yourself from it is also known as "bottling up your feelings" and it's a well known cause of problems.
- scotty79 8y ago
  That's not bottling. You just don't pay attention to it and then you forget about what you were angry and forget you even were angry. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you are angry but only for the purpose of making a decission not to act on it and possibly postpone actions that you being angry might influence adversely. Talking it through will only increase likelyhood that the memory of being angry will stick with you. Bottling up your feelings is the other thing I describe where you keep your anger instead of letting it dissolve.
koheripbal 8y ago
I have found that understanding often diffuses anger. For example, if you are dangerously cut off by someone on the highway and you speed ahead to yell at them, your blood is boiling with the expectation of a confrontation... until you stop at the next light and realize the person is having a seizure and actually needs help! In that moment your new understanding of the situation melts your anger away very very effectively. In general, if you practice and train your mind to seek understanding of the circumstances surrounding the behavior that's making you angry, your anger will melt.
- scotty79 8y ago
  I occasionally get angry at people doing unpredictable or frightening things on the road but I'm rarely blessed with understanding. What I do is I try to keep myself from building larger narrative around it with malicious reckless idiot drivers as the villains. Then each instance of anger lingers usually for roughly a day and then gets forgotten.

maire 8y ago

Anger is chemical and not psychological and will pass. See Sapolsky's discussion of the Limbic system: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAOnSbDSaOw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAOnSbDSaOw When I am angry I am self aware enough to wait until the chemicals are gone in order to discuss things. I don't think this is unhealthy in any way. In fact, I usually don't like the feeling of anger and look forward with happiness to the calm that will follow. It is interesting that the original source of anger becomes resolved once the chemicals are gone. I found it interesting that the Inuits do the same thing.