4 ms·

Right. I don't think that either of us intend to ever remarry. Our end goal now is two apartments that are close to each other in the same city that we are li

by moosey 8y ago

Right. I don't think that either of us intend to ever remarry. Our end goal now is two apartments that are close to each other in the same city that we are living in now, so that our children don't have any issues visiting us.

nate_meurer 8y ago
You know, I really admire this. You have a mature and sophisticated approach to a problem that leads many other couples into some degree of bitter, hurtful conflict. You and your spouse are doing right by your kids, and taking care of yourselves too. With the self-awareness, strength, and honesty this takes, I expect things will work out just fine for you guys.
- magduf 8y ago
  I agree, except the part about not intending to remarry; that seems really sad to me.
  - nate_meurer 8y ago
    But he didn't say he they would never again be in romantic relationships. Just that he didn't expect to enter another marriage agreement. I have older friends just like this. They divorced long ago, and the man's had one single girlfriend/partner ever since. He and GF live separately, but are together almost every day. They will never marry, because it would be pointless, and they carry far too much baggage to move in together; they're too particular about their space, too set in their routines, and have obligations that they don't care to subject each other to. I guess what I'm saying is that marriage and relationship are two different things. Institutional marriage offers some legal and financial advantages, and in some cases it's important as a way to fortify a couple's commitment. But in many relationships, like my friends', it serves no useful purpose.
    - magduf 8y ago
      Living separately and being together "almost every day" seems to make little financial sense if you think marriage "serves no useful purpose": if you're spending that much time together, why wouldn't you just live together? You'll save a ton on living costs, plus maintaining a household requires a certain amount of time as well. No, you don't actually have to get legally married to live together, but for your example you are talking about people who aren't just unmarried, but also maintain two separate residences. I don't see how it's "pointless"; if you're so particular about your space or set in your routine to live together, then how do you manage to "be together" for so much time? Do these people live next door to each other or something? Just the driving time alone is going to add up.
      - nate_meurer 8y ago
        You make it sound so easy:) My friend and his partner (let's call them Luis and Lynn) are in their sixties. They both have large houses and lots of stuff. They live about 40 minutes away from each other, and both like where they live. Luis loves his house, and prizes the peace and order of living alone with his dog. Lynn lives a block away from family. She is caring for her elderly sister at home, so her schedule largely revolves around that, and her house is a hub of family activity. Money is not a concern for either. Every day, they meet for lunch at their favorite restaurant, where they sit at the bar with other regulars. It's like Cheers. Friday is date night, when they go out to dinner, watch a movie, whatever. Once a month or so they go on a little vacation, usually a road trip to the mountains, usually only for a day, but sometimes overnight if Lynn can arrange care for her sister. Once a year they try to do a longer vacation. They've done this exact routine for nearly a decade, and they've been together for over thirty years. Pretty sure they've got this figured out.
        magduf 8y ago
        I see, this makes some sense now. Basically, these two are good friends, and don't really have much interest in having sex, because obviously they aren't doing that very much if they just eat lunch together and maybe spend the night together once a week. If that works for them, that's great, but personally I can't imagine having a permanent relationship where we're not sleeping together every night.
- moosey 8y ago
  It wasn't always so. To be honest, current political events have been most maturing, and helped to end some of that pain and bitterness. Yes, I agree, I think we'll do just fine.

by moosey 8y ago

nate_meurer 8y ago

You know, I really admire this. You have a mature and sophisticated approach to a problem that leads many other couples into some degree of bitter, hurtful conflict. You and your spouse are doing right by your kids, and taking care of yourselves too. With the self-awareness, strength, and honesty this takes, I expect things will work out just fine for you guys.

magduf 8y ago
I agree, except the part about not intending to remarry; that seems really sad to me.
- nate_meurer 8y ago
  But he didn't say he they would never again be in romantic relationships. Just that he didn't expect to enter another marriage agreement. I have older friends just like this. They divorced long ago, and the man's had one single girlfriend/partner ever since. He and GF live separately, but are together almost every day. They will never marry, because it would be pointless, and they carry far too much baggage to move in together; they're too particular about their space, too set in their routines, and have obligations that they don't care to subject each other to. I guess what I'm saying is that marriage and relationship are two different things. Institutional marriage offers some legal and financial advantages, and in some cases it's important as a way to fortify a couple's commitment. But in many relationships, like my friends', it serves no useful purpose.
  - magduf 8y ago
    Living separately and being together "almost every day" seems to make little financial sense if you think marriage "serves no useful purpose": if you're spending that much time together, why wouldn't you just live together? You'll save a ton on living costs, plus maintaining a household requires a certain amount of time as well. No, you don't actually have to get legally married to live together, but for your example you are talking about people who aren't just unmarried, but also maintain two separate residences. I don't see how it's "pointless"; if you're so particular about your space or set in your routine to live together, then how do you manage to "be together" for so much time? Do these people live next door to each other or something? Just the driving time alone is going to add up.
    - nate_meurer 8y ago
      You make it sound so easy:) My friend and his partner (let's call them Luis and Lynn) are in their sixties. They both have large houses and lots of stuff. They live about 40 minutes away from each other, and both like where they live. Luis loves his house, and prizes the peace and order of living alone with his dog. Lynn lives a block away from family. She is caring for her elderly sister at home, so her schedule largely revolves around that, and her house is a hub of family activity. Money is not a concern for either. Every day, they meet for lunch at their favorite restaurant, where they sit at the bar with other regulars. It's like Cheers. Friday is date night, when they go out to dinner, watch a movie, whatever. Once a month or so they go on a little vacation, usually a road trip to the mountains, usually only for a day, but sometimes overnight if Lynn can arrange care for her sister. Once a year they try to do a longer vacation. They've done this exact routine for nearly a decade, and they've been together for over thirty years. Pretty sure they've got this figured out.
      - magduf 8y ago
        I see, this makes some sense now. Basically, these two are good friends, and don't really have much interest in having sex, because obviously they aren't doing that very much if they just eat lunch together and maybe spend the night together once a week. If that works for them, that's great, but personally I can't imagine having a permanent relationship where we're not sleeping together every night.
moosey 8y ago
It wasn't always so. To be honest, current political events have been most maturing, and helped to end some of that pain and bitterness. Yes, I agree, I think we'll do just fine.