4 ms·

I think it's a big mistake to rob the children of this experience and of the opportunity to help.

by maxxxxx 8y ago

jhowell 8y ago
Hopefully, you'll never have to make this decision. In the interim, why judge someone else?
- perfmode 8y ago
  Because the children are people, too.
- maxxxxx 8y ago
  When my grandmother declined my parents didn't tell me that she is dying for quite a while. I resented this for a long time once I learned. People should not be protected from reality but helped dealing with it. Should add: I don't think thinking someone is making a mistake is judging them.
  - nate_meurer 8y ago
    From the article: > Some might not have made the same decision, believing that the girls had a right to know they should savor diminishing moments. But Marla didn’t want her girls to savor; she wanted them to sail, and that meant less information—not a lie, but a lacuna. Marla refused to let family time together feel too precious, too heightened, too sad. and... > Our girls have talked often about their mother’s sacrifice and said to me without prompting, “I am so glad I didn’t know what Mommy was going through. I would have worried every single day.” In these past two months, they have reassured me again and again that not telling them was the loving choice. It's apparent that your experience, valid and valuable as it is, does not compare. Not at all, not even remotely. If you ever have to make a decision like this, God forbid, you may well make it differently, as Mr. Mehlman says. But given your distance from the Mehlmans in personality and situation, I honestly don't think your evaluation of their actions can be relevant to anyone except yourself.
- nmstoker 8y ago
  What's wrong with judging people? It's essential to life. What often needs more care is being thoughtful with the outcome so people don't feel bad.
munk-a 8y ago
I disagree, the children ended up knowing the mother's mortality before she passed and hopefully had time to make peace before the end. The thing the children were deprived of was the years of slowly wasting away - I don't think witnessing that is a particularly strong experience. And... I suspect they did help, I suspect the kids did more chores to keep the house up, doing things that the mother was too tired to keep up with. If it was revealed correctly the children could find comfort in the fact that they had been helping all along, they were just being shielded from the grief (and temporarily)
emilfihlman 8y ago
I'd rather not know.
daveFNbuck 8y ago
Most children don't get such an experience because their parents aren't terminally ill. I think you'd agree that's fine. If the mother weren't sick would it be a big mistake to not fake the experience for the kids' benefit?
- maxxxxx 8y ago
  Children should be exposed to reality and learn dealing with it. That’s where parents can help. There are plenty of lethal diseases you can’t hide. I don’t think the children who go through that are damaged. But I think children who are being deceived often take damage.

I think it's a big mistake to rob the children of this experience and of the opportunity to help.

jhowell 8y ago

Hopefully, you'll never have to make this decision. In the interim, why judge someone else?

perfmode 8y ago
Because the children are people, too.
maxxxxx 8y ago
When my grandmother declined my parents didn't tell me that she is dying for quite a while. I resented this for a long time once I learned. People should not be protected from reality but helped dealing with it. Should add: I don't think thinking someone is making a mistake is judging them.
- nate_meurer 8y ago
  From the article: > Some might not have made the same decision, believing that the girls had a right to know they should savor diminishing moments. But Marla didn’t want her girls to savor; she wanted them to sail, and that meant less information—not a lie, but a lacuna. Marla refused to let family time together feel too precious, too heightened, too sad. and... > Our girls have talked often about their mother’s sacrifice and said to me without prompting, “I am so glad I didn’t know what Mommy was going through. I would have worried every single day.” In these past two months, they have reassured me again and again that not telling them was the loving choice. It's apparent that your experience, valid and valuable as it is, does not compare. Not at all, not even remotely. If you ever have to make a decision like this, God forbid, you may well make it differently, as Mr. Mehlman says. But given your distance from the Mehlmans in personality and situation, I honestly don't think your evaluation of their actions can be relevant to anyone except yourself.
nmstoker 8y ago
What's wrong with judging people? It's essential to life. What often needs more care is being thoughtful with the outcome so people don't feel bad.

munk-a 8y ago

I disagree, the children ended up knowing the mother's mortality before she passed and hopefully had time to make peace before the end. The thing the children were deprived of was the years of slowly wasting away - I don't think witnessing that is a particularly strong experience. And... I suspect they did help, I suspect the kids did more chores to keep the house up, doing things that the mother was too tired to keep up with. If it was revealed correctly the children could find comfort in the fact that they had been helping all along, they were just being shielded from the grief (and temporarily)

emilfihlman 8y ago

I'd rather not know.

daveFNbuck 8y ago

Most children don't get such an experience because their parents aren't terminally ill. I think you'd agree that's fine. If the mother weren't sick would it be a big mistake to not fake the experience for the kids' benefit?

maxxxxx 8y ago
Children should be exposed to reality and learn dealing with it. That’s where parents can help. There are plenty of lethal diseases you can’t hide. I don’t think the children who go through that are damaged. But I think children who are being deceived often take damage.