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The biggest problem for me was my (ex)spouse always pushing for billable hours. Every time I decided I wanted time off there was a constant nagging reminder and

The biggest problem for me was my (ex)spouse always pushing for billable hours. Every time I decided I wanted time off there was a constant nagging reminder and guilt of not only what it would cost to go and do what I want - for example cost of flights, accommodation, entertainment and food, but also the cost of the loss of income for that time off meaning that every time I was away from my keyboard it was costing me 10 times as much. There was always a reminder to "be responsible and not lose the income" which is a toxic mindset to be in. These days I skip off work at every possible opportunity and to hell with anyone who can't comprehend my lack of will to bill every waking hour, partners and family included. I may not get paid as much, but there's so much more to life than work. Sure, I'm not billing when I could be and sure there's plenty enough work that I could bill 24 hours a day if I had enough energy and will power to do that, but I don't care. My mental health and my other passions need playtime or I'm going to flame out and never come back to this. If you don't have a spouse that's supportive and encouraging of your need for downtime away from work, then you're caught in a double trap.

mcv 8y ago
I'm happy I have neither this problem nor the ones in the article. I'm aware what my time is worth, but I'm also aware I'm making enough money that I don't have to worry about it. I'm extremely careless about money; not that I'm wasting it (the opposite, rather), but as long as there's money, I'm fine. When I have too much, I shovel it away to some place where it catches interest. I've got an accountant who worries about the details. Recently, my son, still in primary school, had to check out a potential secondary school. My wife wasn't able to take him there, so I left early. Cost me €240 in revenue. That's a lot of money, but then again, I made more than that in the rest of the day, and I don't want to deny myself the opportunity to do these things with my son. There's more in life than money. Sure, it's important, but only as a way to an end. Money itself is not the goal, life is. Don't sacrifice your life or happiness for mere money. (Of course it's easy to say that when you can afford to. Not everybody can.)
- balabaster 8y ago
  I'm normally rather careless with money too... I earn far more than I need to live quite comfortably on a normal basis, there's rarely a month where I spend anywhere close to what comes in. But when I do want something, I don't think twice about buying it. Recently I've been shoveling it into a long term project that will hopefully pay dividends in the longer term, but the jury's presently out on whether that will actually come to fruition. Time will tell. I agree, not everyone can afford to live as frivolous a lifestyle. I've been very fortunate to have had the choices and opportunities I have to be able to make headway. I try never to take that for granted, because it doesn't take too many wrong moves and you're the one trying to scrape your way to get above the poverty line again.
  - akulbe 8y ago
    Out of curiosity, what kind of work do you do?
    - balabaster 8y ago
      I'm pretty much a jack of all trades. My professional expertise and where I've spent the majority of my career is in software engineering, systems architecture, devops and test automation. In what little spare time I have I'm co-founder and instructor for an educational organic farm which means I'm often playing carpenter, mechanic and vet as well as being a full time Dad.
      - akulbe 8y ago
        Would love to talk with you more. Do you blog somewhere? I have an email in my profile.
        balabaster 8y ago
        I haven't blogged in 100 years. My email is on my profile too, feel free to hit me up.
clojurestan 8y ago
Sounds like a shitty spouse
- balabaster 8y ago
  It's easy to make a judgment on one scenario, but being unable to get out of that mindset doesn't make her a shitty spouse, it's a fear that's been brainwashed into her by her upbringing. She is more than her fears. Thankfully though, I'm no longer in this position. I was rather more pointing out a toxic mindset that you need to overcome not just in yourself but potentially in your spouse and the rest of your families.
  - zerkten 8y ago
    FWIW I don't think this has to be tied to a spouse or partner. I've pushed myself close to that place for other reasons. I had a very comfortable childhood and watched moderately successful parents in a place which has little entrepreneurship fall apart over time. I was protected by good skills and work performance, but in combination with the financial crisis this pushed me to a toxic place as I looked to protect me and my family. First, my father got so ill that my mom and brother had to be his caregiver. For a while the family business continued to some success, but my brother was never invested in it. I realize now that I worked my ass off to escape and do my own thing and my brother didn't have direction. Over time with the failed economy and then my Dad's death they ended up closing down the business. My brother has drifted and my mom gets by, but it's not the life they expected.
  - mistersquid 8y ago
    > being unable to get out of that mindset doesn't make her a shitty spouse This is an incredibly helpful reminder that people should not be reduced to their flaws and relationships are not the mere sum of their drawbacks. Because people are risk-averse, it's easy to focus on what's bad and take for granted what's good. So when a relationship becomes challenging, people can reflexively give up (or throw away) rather than work with and get through. Relationships are worth maintaining and building, even when they become difficult. In some cases, relationships are worth maintaining especially when they become difficult because the relationship becomes stronger and promotes greater well-being to the degree that it has survived hardship.
gdfasfklshg4 8y ago
It sounds like you have serious issues with your relationship.
- balabaster 8y ago
  Had, don't worry, that's no longer a problem. Past tense.
a-saleh 8y ago
If I were in that position, and wouldn't want to break off the relationship, I would probably try to change billable-hours to billable days (or even weeks?) I would then try to keep strict 8-hour a day work-schedule (ok, maybe even just 6 to be honest :-) Like, I am programming in professional fashion for around 10 years, and there are hours, where I make more progress than previous days. I don't want to be fighting for billable hours.
- balabaster 8y ago
  I've been programming since I was 8 years old. Professionally for the last 25 years. I've seen entire classes and subsets of programming paradigms dominate the industry and fade to irrelevance. There's enough to keep up with, without stressing about billing. I try to carry billable days or even work on retainer such that a minimum income is guaranteed and anything over and above is billed at a daily rate. From everything others have said, the jump from "programmer" to "consultant" is the hardest leap and one I've had considerable difficulty hurdling. My existing clients are often actively working against me to make this leap because they look at me as someone who can solve their problems in minutes and want them fixed now. It's on me to help change their mindset to one of allowing me to teach them to solve these problems for themselves. My greatest value is in teaching them to be self sufficient. It's helping them to become more than the sum of their parts so that when they call me, they're calling me to show them what they're doing wrong and show them how to fix it, I'm not fixing it for them.
malvosenior 8y ago
Whether you're freelancing or doing a startup, it's critical to have your spouse's support. Entrepreneurship is extremely difficult and if you're in a serious relationship, the other partner has to be ok with the ups and downs. In my experience, few are. I've seen numerous early stage startups fail when the spouse of one of the co-founders pulls the plug. The difficulty in achieving this over a long period of time is one of the things that makes the founder's over sized equity stake make a lot more sense. You're literally putting your relationships on the line to make your company work.
- balabaster 8y ago
  They not only have to be onboard and be supportive, but they need to understand what it takes, the risks that are going to come up, the fine line that needs to be walked to balance your success, your mental health and your relationship. They need to really understand that and be capable of rolling with it. Entrepreneurship takes a heavy toll on relationships, and I think honestly, her lack of ability to cope with the stress had a heavy influence on my ability to cope with the stress. If it had been just me with my own thoughts, my resolve and resilience would've been far stronger. Having to balance the needs of your partner makes tough and potentially risky choices ten times harder.
goldenkey 8y ago
Sounds like you got cucked due to youth and naivety. Looks like you learned your lesson. Remember, it's your work, not hers.
- balabaster 8y ago
  It may be easy to assume that from one statement, but there's far more to relationships than one slice of one facet of our dynamic. When you're in a relationship, you work together for the common good of your relationship. It might be my work, but it was our family, and a household that she had every bit as much right to feel safe and secure about as I had to my needs. That's not naivete, that's considering that I'm part of something greater than myself.
  - rchaud 8y ago
    Not who you're replying to, but I wanted to say I respect you for offering thoughtful, measured responses to what seem to be throwaway comments from internet alphas who couldn't resist projecting their own biases and stereotypes into their replies, simply because you happened to mention your ex-spouse was a woman.
    - balabaster 8y ago
      Thanks. I don't tend to rise to such personalities, but I equally won't let their comments off the hook and allow toxic behavior to propagate unchallenged.
      - rchaud 8y ago
        This is the only way to maintain a solid level of discourse on online forums in this day and age. Hopefully more commenters will take the approach you have.
  - deleted 8y ago
    [deleted]
  - ska 8y ago
scirocco 8y ago
Reminds me of Avicii, who wanted to stop touring but his peers reminded him how much we would lose, and how irresponsible he was to turn down ”unique opportunities”. So much for his mental health
anongraddebt 8y ago
Is there a way to tackle the interpersonal problem of perception (regarding time invested in work) here by presenting a nice spreadsheet showing time worked and linking it to income appearing in the bank account? I'm not sure whether this would solve the problem rather than just create new ones, but if I was a freelancer and my significant other was suffering from misperception my first instinct would be showing them the data. Of course, if the underlying issue is that they want you to increase your income target, then that requires a different solution.

mcv 8y ago

I'm happy I have neither this problem nor the ones in the article. I'm aware what my time is worth, but I'm also aware I'm making enough money that I don't have to worry about it. I'm extremely careless about money; not that I'm wasting it (the opposite, rather), but as long as there's money, I'm fine. When I have too much, I shovel it away to some place where it catches interest. I've got an accountant who worries about the details. Recently, my son, still in primary school, had to check out a potential secondary school. My wife wasn't able to take him there, so I left early. Cost me €240 in revenue. That's a lot of money, but then again, I made more than that in the rest of the day, and I don't want to deny myself the opportunity to do these things with my son. There's more in life than money. Sure, it's important, but only as a way to an end. Money itself is not the goal, life is. Don't sacrifice your life or happiness for mere money. (Of course it's easy to say that when you can afford to. Not everybody can.)

balabaster 8y ago
I'm normally rather careless with money too... I earn far more than I need to live quite comfortably on a normal basis, there's rarely a month where I spend anywhere close to what comes in. But when I do want something, I don't think twice about buying it. Recently I've been shoveling it into a long term project that will hopefully pay dividends in the longer term, but the jury's presently out on whether that will actually come to fruition. Time will tell. I agree, not everyone can afford to live as frivolous a lifestyle. I've been very fortunate to have had the choices and opportunities I have to be able to make headway. I try never to take that for granted, because it doesn't take too many wrong moves and you're the one trying to scrape your way to get above the poverty line again.
- akulbe 8y ago
  Out of curiosity, what kind of work do you do?
  - balabaster 8y ago
    I'm pretty much a jack of all trades. My professional expertise and where I've spent the majority of my career is in software engineering, systems architecture, devops and test automation. In what little spare time I have I'm co-founder and instructor for an educational organic farm which means I'm often playing carpenter, mechanic and vet as well as being a full time Dad.
    - akulbe 8y ago
      Would love to talk with you more. Do you blog somewhere? I have an email in my profile.
      - balabaster 8y ago
        I haven't blogged in 100 years. My email is on my profile too, feel free to hit me up.

clojurestan 8y ago

Sounds like a shitty spouse

balabaster 8y ago
It's easy to make a judgment on one scenario, but being unable to get out of that mindset doesn't make her a shitty spouse, it's a fear that's been brainwashed into her by her upbringing. She is more than her fears. Thankfully though, I'm no longer in this position. I was rather more pointing out a toxic mindset that you need to overcome not just in yourself but potentially in your spouse and the rest of your families.
- zerkten 8y ago
  FWIW I don't think this has to be tied to a spouse or partner. I've pushed myself close to that place for other reasons. I had a very comfortable childhood and watched moderately successful parents in a place which has little entrepreneurship fall apart over time. I was protected by good skills and work performance, but in combination with the financial crisis this pushed me to a toxic place as I looked to protect me and my family. First, my father got so ill that my mom and brother had to be his caregiver. For a while the family business continued to some success, but my brother was never invested in it. I realize now that I worked my ass off to escape and do my own thing and my brother didn't have direction. Over time with the failed economy and then my Dad's death they ended up closing down the business. My brother has drifted and my mom gets by, but it's not the life they expected.
- mistersquid 8y ago
  > being unable to get out of that mindset doesn't make her a shitty spouse This is an incredibly helpful reminder that people should not be reduced to their flaws and relationships are not the mere sum of their drawbacks. Because people are risk-averse, it's easy to focus on what's bad and take for granted what's good. So when a relationship becomes challenging, people can reflexively give up (or throw away) rather than work with and get through. Relationships are worth maintaining and building, even when they become difficult. In some cases, relationships are worth maintaining especially when they become difficult because the relationship becomes stronger and promotes greater well-being to the degree that it has survived hardship.

gdfasfklshg4 8y ago

It sounds like you have serious issues with your relationship.

balabaster 8y ago
Had, don't worry, that's no longer a problem. Past tense.

a-saleh 8y ago

If I were in that position, and wouldn't want to break off the relationship, I would probably try to change billable-hours to billable days (or even weeks?) I would then try to keep strict 8-hour a day work-schedule (ok, maybe even just 6 to be honest :-) Like, I am programming in professional fashion for around 10 years, and there are hours, where I make more progress than previous days. I don't want to be fighting for billable hours.

balabaster 8y ago
I've been programming since I was 8 years old. Professionally for the last 25 years. I've seen entire classes and subsets of programming paradigms dominate the industry and fade to irrelevance. There's enough to keep up with, without stressing about billing. I try to carry billable days or even work on retainer such that a minimum income is guaranteed and anything over and above is billed at a daily rate. From everything others have said, the jump from "programmer" to "consultant" is the hardest leap and one I've had considerable difficulty hurdling. My existing clients are often actively working against me to make this leap because they look at me as someone who can solve their problems in minutes and want them fixed now. It's on me to help change their mindset to one of allowing me to teach them to solve these problems for themselves. My greatest value is in teaching them to be self sufficient. It's helping them to become more than the sum of their parts so that when they call me, they're calling me to show them what they're doing wrong and show them how to fix it, I'm not fixing it for them.

malvosenior 8y ago

Whether you're freelancing or doing a startup, it's critical to have your spouse's support. Entrepreneurship is extremely difficult and if you're in a serious relationship, the other partner has to be ok with the ups and downs. In my experience, few are. I've seen numerous early stage startups fail when the spouse of one of the co-founders pulls the plug. The difficulty in achieving this over a long period of time is one of the things that makes the founder's over sized equity stake make a lot more sense. You're literally putting your relationships on the line to make your company work.

balabaster 8y ago
They not only have to be onboard and be supportive, but they need to understand what it takes, the risks that are going to come up, the fine line that needs to be walked to balance your success, your mental health and your relationship. They need to really understand that and be capable of rolling with it. Entrepreneurship takes a heavy toll on relationships, and I think honestly, her lack of ability to cope with the stress had a heavy influence on my ability to cope with the stress. If it had been just me with my own thoughts, my resolve and resilience would've been far stronger. Having to balance the needs of your partner makes tough and potentially risky choices ten times harder.

goldenkey 8y ago

Sounds like you got cucked due to youth and naivety. Looks like you learned your lesson. Remember, it's your work, not hers.

balabaster 8y ago
It may be easy to assume that from one statement, but there's far more to relationships than one slice of one facet of our dynamic. When you're in a relationship, you work together for the common good of your relationship. It might be my work, but it was our family, and a household that she had every bit as much right to feel safe and secure about as I had to my needs. That's not naivete, that's considering that I'm part of something greater than myself.
- rchaud 8y ago
  Not who you're replying to, but I wanted to say I respect you for offering thoughtful, measured responses to what seem to be throwaway comments from internet alphas who couldn't resist projecting their own biases and stereotypes into their replies, simply because you happened to mention your ex-spouse was a woman.
  - balabaster 8y ago
    Thanks. I don't tend to rise to such personalities, but I equally won't let their comments off the hook and allow toxic behavior to propagate unchallenged.
    - rchaud 8y ago
      This is the only way to maintain a solid level of discourse on online forums in this day and age. Hopefully more commenters will take the approach you have.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- ska 8y ago

scirocco 8y ago

Reminds me of Avicii, who wanted to stop touring but his peers reminded him how much we would lose, and how irresponsible he was to turn down ”unique opportunities”. So much for his mental health

anongraddebt 8y ago

Is there a way to tackle the interpersonal problem of perception (regarding time invested in work) here by presenting a nice spreadsheet showing time worked and linking it to income appearing in the bank account? I'm not sure whether this would solve the problem rather than just create new ones, but if I was a freelancer and my significant other was suffering from misperception my first instinct would be showing them the data. Of course, if the underlying issue is that they want you to increase your income target, then that requires a different solution.