6 ms·

New Feelings: Selfish Intimacy

112 points by longdefeat 8y ago

mikejulietbravo 8y ago
I feel like avid Social media users are more likely to feel imposter syndrome because they're accustomed to curating their image. If you're broadcasting a specific or hyper-competent image to coworkers, there's always going to be a risk that someone will call out the fact that what you say you are (or can do) and what you actually are (or can actually do) are not in alignment.
- monetus 8y ago
  I'd intuit you're probably right. One problem when people are too honest in public though is that negativity is perceived more than its opposite. Having a bad quality can invalidate your good ones sadly.
mLuby 8y ago
So much good in here, thanks for sharing! >For my mother, privacy is not just a personal boundary or a practical concern but an instinct, and something like an ethos: She has a deep revulsion to the idea of something private circulating in public context. She dislikes having her picture taken and hates having it shared; it removes her right to represent herself. >As I circled my parents’ house with my phone, I claimed to be acting in good faith…But…I was trailing the threat of an unknown audience through her space.
- symfoniq 8y ago
  > She dislikes having her picture taken and hates having it shared; it removes her right to represent herself. I sympathize with the mother. Every time one of my children has been born, I've had conversations with the "usual suspects" about not posting pictures on social media when they come visit us in the hospital. They haven't always complied with my request.
- darepublic 8y ago
  so she likes the encapsulation principle
Sir_Cmpwn 8y ago
Maybe I'm just out of touch (25 years old here) but I've never felt this desire to share this stuff. I don't want to be the stereotypical "it's the kids who are wrong" here - but I think this behavior has been trained into them by companies whose interests are served by it. In my book that's a bad thing. A desire for privacy isn't selfish at all, it's actually a sign of a well-adjusted person.
- compiler-guy 8y ago
  Some people really do like to share things about themselves. It's akin to liking to perform on stage. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself. It's dragging others along with you that is unseemly.
- threwawasy1228 8y ago
  I don't really get it either and I'm about the same age as you. I feel like I don't get it to such an extreme that I actually am not sure I understand the article at all. I like to take pictures of lots of things, I like to take pictures of lots of mundane things also, I like to take pictures with friends, of the various apartments I've had in messy states, candid photos of my loved ones just like the person in the article. I love taking photos of those things because I want to have aids in remembering what has happened and transpired. I want to remember fully what all my apartments used to look like and the things I used to own. I want to remember my father in his old age, I want to remember obscure spots I went hiking once and forgot all about. I want to have these memories stored outside my volatile brain-memory. I don't post a single one of them on social media at all. I have zero compulsion to do so in any way, shape, or form! I do enjoy pulling out a photo sometimes when a conversation comes up it might relate to or when I want to say "hey look at us a few years back ahaha!" but that is not very often. I can't understand the authors perspective.
  - theoh 8y ago
    The article is not about taking photos, it's about how relationships are mediated and affected by (e.g.) someone's Instagram feed. It comes down to an essentially Sherry Turkle-esque observation: when a relationship is mediated through images on social media, each fresh image doesn't so much affirm the relationship as assert the continuing independence and individuality of the poster. You could look at it from an information theory perspective: showing people what you are up to through digital images is very different from doing things with those people.
beautifulfreak 8y ago
I wonder if her mother, who let her publish this article, really grasps how invasive it is. It strikes me as an example of "praeteritio," the rhetorical device of mentioning that which can't be mentioned. It's very well written, but is it in earnest? Because I feel she's shared too great an intimacy. But I suppose the writer's gaze is always somewhat rapacious.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
justtopost 8y ago
Wow, this author needs a camping trip. That is a messed up way to experince life.
hyperpallium 8y ago
Some standup comedians self-disclose for entertainment. Now you can too.
stuaxo 8y ago
Stopped reading fairly early on, just comes across as very strange - visit people or your parents to visit them, it's really odd behaviour to want to go and take only pictures of their house. The only reason we've been encouraged to "share" photos of everything is to enrich social media companies.
- lifeformed 8y ago
  The whole article is about the strangeness you felt reading it, you should probably keep reading.
axOve 8y ago
how irrelevant - this and you and what you share with strangers
clanrebornwow 8y ago
Recently I made a successful company broke up with girlfriend. She always used to make me beg for little things while freely spent whatever was possible on my cards, living on my dime and still ignoring me. Always busy on her Instagram, replying to comments made by her fans bla bla. And with so called boyfriend has couldn't even share a paragraph of text on instant messenger let alone finding time for intimacy or dialogue. I'd write her paragraphs of text and at the end she will reply with a single word. Even when in front of her, she would be busy with her own thing. I've lost interest in women since then. It's better to be alone than have a false sense of companionship. Sure others around me might think how successful I am and how I've one hot gal, damnn I never met someone as self obsessive as her This is my experience so far, not onces or twice, 4 times already. These days everyone is also self obsessed. I just want realistic sex dolls, so no one is able to manipulate me in lieu of sex. I feel incredibly sad and lonely, and now i am very bitter too. I argument and verbally attack people. I also hate myself now, nights and weekends are incredibly painful and lonely. I am gravitating towards drug abuse, hell I was a guy who wouldn't even smoke or drink. On the outside, people see a successful man with nice car/house and inside it's a demon which they don't know about and can attack them anytime.
- Beefin 8y ago
  Hey man, send me a PM, I know what you’re going through after living in a similarly-superficial environment. It’s just important to understand cognitive biases and how it perceives our outlook on the world. Needless to say, if you continue to have that mentality it will only continue with a self fulfilling prophecy. CBT would be an effective technique to help you learn about these thought processes and address them at their core. Often the crux of the problem isn’t as transparent as you’d think. Take care !
- devit 8y ago
  That's not a girlfriend, it's someone taking advantage of you. My suggestion is to read "Models: Attract Women though Honesty", by far the best book on how to be a better man, and possibly the best bet on changing your thought processes for the better (in addition to therapy, possibly). If you feel like you really need sex to be happy, hire escorts: the ones that are well reviewed online are generally far better people than the women you describe, and will deliver what you agree upon with no manipulation.

112 points by longdefeat 8y ago

I feel like avid Social media users are more likely to feel imposter syndrome because they're accustomed to curating their image. If you're broadcasting a specific or hyper-competent image to coworkers, there's always going to be a risk that someone will call out the fact that what you say you are (or can do) and what you actually are (or can actually do) are not in alignment.

monetus 8y ago
I'd intuit you're probably right. One problem when people are too honest in public though is that negativity is perceived more than its opposite. Having a bad quality can invalidate your good ones sadly.

mLuby 8y ago

So much good in here, thanks for sharing! >For my mother, privacy is not just a personal boundary or a practical concern but an instinct, and something like an ethos: She has a deep revulsion to the idea of something private circulating in public context. She dislikes having her picture taken and hates having it shared; it removes her right to represent herself. >As I circled my parents’ house with my phone, I claimed to be acting in good faith…But…I was trailing the threat of an unknown audience through her space.

symfoniq 8y ago
> She dislikes having her picture taken and hates having it shared; it removes her right to represent herself. I sympathize with the mother. Every time one of my children has been born, I've had conversations with the "usual suspects" about not posting pictures on social media when they come visit us in the hospital. They haven't always complied with my request.
darepublic 8y ago
so she likes the encapsulation principle

Sir_Cmpwn 8y ago

Maybe I'm just out of touch (25 years old here) but I've never felt this desire to share this stuff. I don't want to be the stereotypical "it's the kids who are wrong" here - but I think this behavior has been trained into them by companies whose interests are served by it. In my book that's a bad thing. A desire for privacy isn't selfish at all, it's actually a sign of a well-adjusted person.

compiler-guy 8y ago
Some people really do like to share things about themselves. It's akin to liking to perform on stage. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself. It's dragging others along with you that is unseemly.
threwawasy1228 8y ago
I don't really get it either and I'm about the same age as you. I feel like I don't get it to such an extreme that I actually am not sure I understand the article at all. I like to take pictures of lots of things, I like to take pictures of lots of mundane things also, I like to take pictures with friends, of the various apartments I've had in messy states, candid photos of my loved ones just like the person in the article. I love taking photos of those things because I want to have aids in remembering what has happened and transpired. I want to remember fully what all my apartments used to look like and the things I used to own. I want to remember my father in his old age, I want to remember obscure spots I went hiking once and forgot all about. I want to have these memories stored outside my volatile brain-memory. I don't post a single one of them on social media at all. I have zero compulsion to do so in any way, shape, or form! I do enjoy pulling out a photo sometimes when a conversation comes up it might relate to or when I want to say "hey look at us a few years back ahaha!" but that is not very often. I can't understand the authors perspective.
- theoh 8y ago
  The article is not about taking photos, it's about how relationships are mediated and affected by (e.g.) someone's Instagram feed. It comes down to an essentially Sherry Turkle-esque observation: when a relationship is mediated through images on social media, each fresh image doesn't so much affirm the relationship as assert the continuing independence and individuality of the poster. You could look at it from an information theory perspective: showing people what you are up to through digital images is very different from doing things with those people.

beautifulfreak 8y ago

I wonder if her mother, who let her publish this article, really grasps how invasive it is. It strikes me as an example of "praeteritio," the rhetorical device of mentioning that which can't be mentioned. It's very well written, but is it in earnest? Because I feel she's shared too great an intimacy. But I suppose the writer's gaze is always somewhat rapacious.

deleted 8y ago

[deleted]

justtopost 8y ago

Wow, this author needs a camping trip. That is a messed up way to experince life.

hyperpallium 8y ago

Some standup comedians self-disclose for entertainment. Now you can too.

stuaxo 8y ago

Stopped reading fairly early on, just comes across as very strange - visit people or your parents to visit them, it's really odd behaviour to want to go and take only pictures of their house. The only reason we've been encouraged to "share" photos of everything is to enrich social media companies.

lifeformed 8y ago
The whole article is about the strangeness you felt reading it, you should probably keep reading.

axOve 8y ago

how irrelevant - this and you and what you share with strangers

clanrebornwow 8y ago

Recently I made a successful company broke up with girlfriend. She always used to make me beg for little things while freely spent whatever was possible on my cards, living on my dime and still ignoring me. Always busy on her Instagram, replying to comments made by her fans bla bla. And with so called boyfriend has couldn't even share a paragraph of text on instant messenger let alone finding time for intimacy or dialogue. I'd write her paragraphs of text and at the end she will reply with a single word. Even when in front of her, she would be busy with her own thing. I've lost interest in women since then. It's better to be alone than have a false sense of companionship. Sure others around me might think how successful I am and how I've one hot gal, damnn I never met someone as self obsessive as her This is my experience so far, not onces or twice, 4 times already. These days everyone is also self obsessed. I just want realistic sex dolls, so no one is able to manipulate me in lieu of sex. I feel incredibly sad and lonely, and now i am very bitter too. I argument and verbally attack people. I also hate myself now, nights and weekends are incredibly painful and lonely. I am gravitating towards drug abuse, hell I was a guy who wouldn't even smoke or drink. On the outside, people see a successful man with nice car/house and inside it's a demon which they don't know about and can attack them anytime.

Beefin 8y ago
Hey man, send me a PM, I know what you’re going through after living in a similarly-superficial environment. It’s just important to understand cognitive biases and how it perceives our outlook on the world. Needless to say, if you continue to have that mentality it will only continue with a self fulfilling prophecy. CBT would be an effective technique to help you learn about these thought processes and address them at their core. Often the crux of the problem isn’t as transparent as you’d think. Take care !
devit 8y ago
That's not a girlfriend, it's someone taking advantage of you. My suggestion is to read "Models: Attract Women though Honesty", by far the best book on how to be a better man, and possibly the best bet on changing your thought processes for the better (in addition to therapy, possibly). If you feel like you really need sex to be happy, hire escorts: the ones that are well reviewed online are generally far better people than the women you describe, and will deliver what you agree upon with no manipulation.