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I really need advice, I'm in this exact situation and I'm feeling lost. I'm gonna go throwaway since I really need to spill the beans here: My story is full o

I really need advice, I'm in this exact situation and I'm feeling lost. I'm gonna go throwaway since I really need to spill the beans here: My story is full of 'pendulum swings' and 'comparisons' and I can't really make up my mind. I need help. - I am married with children. - I live in Brazil, which is shitty right now, as most of you know (far-right trigger-happy president just got elected). Lots of unemployment going down here, people are genuinely struggling. Basically everyone knows someone unemployed or in bad shape financially. - I managed to somehow escape all the suffering from the last 3-5 years by landing a .gov job several years ago. That means I currently have a good stable income, I am able to afford a mortgage and a comfy home, I have a car and health insurance. Not much money left at the end of the month but everything is properly paid and managed. And I basically cannot be laid off unless I do something really bad. (Lots of people here would kill to have this job -- in our culture landing a .gov job is synonymous of "having made it", because the majority of Brazilians don't really enjoy hard work -- they measure success by your amount of free time). - Problem is, my current 8-5 job is as meaningless as one can imagine. I siphon data thru python scripts and write excel spreadsheets, deal with lots of useless crap, data that is not going to be used for anything, and that's it. It's a .gov job after all, filled with bureaucracy and useless stuff to do just to fill time. It makes me feel really empty and after all these years I have ended up developing Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks ;( - Otoh, before working here I worked on places in which I've consistently put 70h+ work weeks, I was really fat and my overall health (blood pressure, sugar, cholesterol levels) was poor. After joining this boring dayjob I managed to have more time for exercising and hobbies and I ended up losing an excess of 50kg, which was really good to me. My health is mostly in check, besides my anxiety which fucks me on a weekday basis (I almost don't have it on weekends). - After I arrive home from my dayjob I'm usually so stressed out for not really doing anything meaningful (which worsens my anxiety) that I have several freelance gigs lined up so I can 'feel alive' for a bit. I am a systems developer and I have almost 20 years of UN*X experience, which lends well to these kinds of custom workloads where they need specialized solutions and whatnot. When I'm in the zone doing this kind of work at my home office, I have no anxiety whatsoever. - I know I need more free time for my family and the kid. I don't think I should be living two work lives for that much time or I'll end up not seeing my kid grow up or something. As much as the freelance gigs make me feel really accomplished, I realize I also need time for "real" hobbies (music making, woodworking), exercise, etc. - All these freelance gigs helped me shape my career outside of my day job and build a good network and portfolio of solutions and cases. I currently have some interviews lined up with recruiters from Europe, and some are going pretty well. I think I might score a job there soon-ish and if that happens I'll be offered to move. That means abandoning my "dream job" here. - Thing is, I don't know how it can turn up there, it could be good, it could be bad and if I come back I'll not have my safe job anymore, and I'll end up being thrown into genpop without any kind of safe net which is much needed in this extremely volatile environment that is Brazil right now. And now I'm older and I have a mortgage and a kid. - I am currently "taking a hit for the team". Not happy at my dayjob, but I do it anyway and I "like it" because I am thinking about how I am able to keep my family together and well-fed, while several people are losing their houses etc and suffering a lot. It really is a 'lesser evil' situation. My doubts are: - Am I complaining on an full stomach? Should I stick to my safe job and not go into unsafe adventures? - What if I end up hating there as well and regretting not having valued my current safety as much as I should? - Otoh, what if I am losing myself into this hole of a job and living a lesser life, for me and for my family? Emigrating to a better place could mean more work and less slack but also living in a better place, with less crime and with a better overall quality of life. Doubts doubts doubts. I'd appreciate your sincere opinions! I'm gonna come back in a few hours to read the replies. Thanks in advance and have a good day, y'all! o/

tcrow 8y ago
"- I know I need more free time for my family and the kid. I don't think I should be living two work lives for that much time or I'll end up not seeing my kid grow up or something. As much as the freelance gigs make me feel really accomplished, I realize I also need time for "real" hobbies (music making, woodworking), exercise, etc." This bothers me. You made a decision to start a family, when you did so, you made a commitment to uphold their well-being to the best of your ability. Living "two work lives" will most likely have detrimental effects on your relationship with them. I know, I've been there. Be careful to balance your needs with those of the ones you love, they are more important than some temporary high of doing fun work on the side. Yes we need to do meaningful work in our lives, but not necessarily at the cost of these other meaningful things. As a programmer (and creative) with a family, I completely understand where you are coming from. As a loving father, it is easy to make the necessary sacrifices. I hope you find more meaningful work soon, but unless you breath that work with your heart and soul (which is rare), it will always be just that, work, and at best a fun distraction you will trade for time.
- throwaway909808 8y ago
  thank you for your reply!
HeyLaughingBoy 8y ago
they measure success by your amount of free time All other things considered, so do I!
rockyj 8y ago
I can feel you brother. First of all I want to say that you are a good person, you are working for your family, you work for them even though you do not enjoy your day job and you have provided for them while working hard and improving your craft in your free time. I think your situation is really complex with no clear solution. You have job safety, a family to take care of and decent life where you have. In my case, I had something similar but I gave it all up and moved to Germany (when I was 35) which has been rewarding but hard. I had to reboot my whole life as if I had just graduated from university and at 40 I am in a similar position as I was when I was 30 (in terms of finance, housing etc.). The initial 1-2 years were super hard as well in terms of finance and setting up a new apartment etc. My work quality has improved a lot since I moved to India but it has not always been a bed of roses. Things were super hard when my father was sick back home for example. On the other hand my kids may have a better life here in Germany since the education / opportunities here are a lot better. My take is, life will be hard anywhere and some decisions will always be tough. With a family you will have to make sacrifices no matter where you go (unless you are really lucky). Gratitude, hard work and creativity will also take you far anywhere. It boils down to your priorities, for me India was hard because of the pollution and my asthma was getting really bad, I did not want my kids to go through the same so I moved. I would say, make a list of what matter most for you (e.g. family, job satisfaction, health etc.) and use that to make a choice.

tcrow 8y ago

"- I know I need more free time for my family and the kid. I don't think I should be living two work lives for that much time or I'll end up not seeing my kid grow up or something. As much as the freelance gigs make me feel really accomplished, I realize I also need time for "real" hobbies (music making, woodworking), exercise, etc." This bothers me. You made a decision to start a family, when you did so, you made a commitment to uphold their well-being to the best of your ability. Living "two work lives" will most likely have detrimental effects on your relationship with them. I know, I've been there. Be careful to balance your needs with those of the ones you love, they are more important than some temporary high of doing fun work on the side. Yes we need to do meaningful work in our lives, but not necessarily at the cost of these other meaningful things. As a programmer (and creative) with a family, I completely understand where you are coming from. As a loving father, it is easy to make the necessary sacrifices. I hope you find more meaningful work soon, but unless you breath that work with your heart and soul (which is rare), it will always be just that, work, and at best a fun distraction you will trade for time.

throwaway909808 8y ago
thank you for your reply!

HeyLaughingBoy 8y ago

they measure success by your amount of free time All other things considered, so do I!

rockyj 8y ago

I can feel you brother. First of all I want to say that you are a good person, you are working for your family, you work for them even though you do not enjoy your day job and you have provided for them while working hard and improving your craft in your free time. I think your situation is really complex with no clear solution. You have job safety, a family to take care of and decent life where you have. In my case, I had something similar but I gave it all up and moved to Germany (when I was 35) which has been rewarding but hard. I had to reboot my whole life as if I had just graduated from university and at 40 I am in a similar position as I was when I was 30 (in terms of finance, housing etc.). The initial 1-2 years were super hard as well in terms of finance and setting up a new apartment etc. My work quality has improved a lot since I moved to India but it has not always been a bed of roses. Things were super hard when my father was sick back home for example. On the other hand my kids may have a better life here in Germany since the education / opportunities here are a lot better. My take is, life will be hard anywhere and some decisions will always be tough. With a family you will have to make sacrifices no matter where you go (unless you are really lucky). Gratitude, hard work and creativity will also take you far anywhere. It boils down to your priorities, for me India was hard because of the pollution and my asthma was getting really bad, I did not want my kids to go through the same so I moved. I would say, make a list of what matter most for you (e.g. family, job satisfaction, health etc.) and use that to make a choice.