6 ms·

I don't get why people find it so hard to empathise with a child. I've solved a bunch of my youngish children's problems by taking the time to try to figure out

by MRD85 8y ago

I don't get why people find it so hard to empathise with a child. I've solved a bunch of my youngish children's problems by taking the time to try to figure out their reasoning and talk to them about it. I've had a huge chip on my shoulder about parenting for years. I'm a single parent of a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old and it's been this way since the youngest was a baby. I've had so many bad experiences, especially when my boy was a baby, where people have treated me poorly because I was a dad with his kids. I've put in so much effort towards parenting because I want to prove the world wrong. I very rarely get angry about anything with them because I realise a lot of their bad behaviours are simply what children do. I correct what they've done wrong but I don't need to be angry about it. The best analogy I've got is "if there is a dog that's a known chewer and I leave my shoes outside with it and my shoes end up chewed, who is it fault?". I'm the responsible adult with functioning cognitive skills, the dog simply is acting on instinct. Little children don't have developed cognitive skills, and their behaviour reflects what their environment has allowed. If you want to change behaviour you need to consider why it is occurring and work on countering the root cause.

passing_by_and 8y ago
>>To your comment about people not empathizing with a child. What I have observed is that people just get worn down. They just can't muster up the energy to see the child's perspective. They aren't bad people or parents, but being a parent is much harder than advertised. No one tells you it is an endurance sport. I am not sure how to give people more energy, but I suspect one of the reasons we organized ourselves in small closely knit families in the past was to help with this very problem. Contrast that with today in most wealthy countries... Totally agree with your overall point of kids being kids.
- chooseaname 8y ago
  > What I have observed is that people just get worn down. They just can't muster up the energy to see the child's perspective. They aren't bad people or parents, but being a parent is much harder than advertised. No one tells you it is an endurance sport. Along with all the other advice they would receive, if I were giving a new parent advice, I would say, "Be predictable". Have routines that children can follow. Always be telling them the next few things that are about to happen; don't just say, "Let's go, we're getting in the car." Tell them where you're going. Tell them what to expect when you get there. Tell them when they'll be coming home. We foster and once we get the children into routines and once they realize we tell them what's going to happen and when, most tantrums and bad behaviors go away. The rest is easier to handle because there's usually a specific reason for them. Children can't communicate as easily as we do, but they generally aren't that different from us. Routines help us to keep from getting worn down.
Loughla 8y ago
>people have treated me poorly because I was a dad with his kids. That's interesting. Honestly, I've found that I get passes for many mistakes, because the bar to being a good dad is set so low in most peoples' minds. If I'm not hitting them and basically know their initials, I seem to be a success. What has your experience been? If you don't mind me asking.
- sangnoir 8y ago
  > Honestly, I've found that I get passes for many mistakes I'm not gp, but I'm assuming both your experiences are rooted in the same incorrect idea: that dads are lesser/"assistant" parents, real parenting is done by (and expected of) moms. No doubt gp probably experienced the automatic suspicion heaped on any man with small children without a plausible mother-figure around.
- MRD85 8y ago
  I'll give some examples, keep in mind that individually these aren't too bad but they add up over time and wear you down. * Being asked by a doctor "where's the mum?" as the first question when I've taken to the children to the doctor. * Getting a lot of offers for help because of an assumption of my incompetence. i.e. during kindergarten induction for my daughter, I was asked if I needed help with some of the jobs like covering books. I was the only man in the room. * Getting glared at while playing with my kids at the playground. If you're actually playing with your kids and not sitting on your phone then suddenly you'll find ALL the little kids near you wanting to play. Mums don't like adult men playing near their kids, even if it's with their own kids. * While Christmas shopping with two kids in tow I've received comments like "giving mum a day off huh?". I feel I'm doing an amazing job as a parent so the constant assumptions just do my head in.
  - air7 8y ago
    Sounds annoying. However I feel this is a universal problem for anyone who is an anomaly. We all use generalization heuristics, and overall it severs us very well. The "price" is wrong judgement for the rare cases. However it's still a better algorithm than discarding generalizations (if that was even possible) because most things are normal, by definition. What I learn from your comments is that in your area mums usually take their kids to the doctors, single dads are viewed as more incompetent, mostly women play with kids at the playground, and men Christmas shopping with two kids are more likely to be married than single. You are the anomaly and therefore are being wrongly categorized. This is not a personal thing at all! Quite the opposite, it's a manifestation of how your peer group is perceived by the general public. I bet that people that get to know you change this perception and adapt it to you, personally.

by MRD85 8y ago

passing_by_and 8y ago

>>To your comment about people not empathizing with a child. What I have observed is that people just get worn down. They just can't muster up the energy to see the child's perspective. They aren't bad people or parents, but being a parent is much harder than advertised. No one tells you it is an endurance sport. I am not sure how to give people more energy, but I suspect one of the reasons we organized ourselves in small closely knit families in the past was to help with this very problem. Contrast that with today in most wealthy countries... Totally agree with your overall point of kids being kids.

chooseaname 8y ago
> What I have observed is that people just get worn down. They just can't muster up the energy to see the child's perspective. They aren't bad people or parents, but being a parent is much harder than advertised. No one tells you it is an endurance sport. Along with all the other advice they would receive, if I were giving a new parent advice, I would say, "Be predictable". Have routines that children can follow. Always be telling them the next few things that are about to happen; don't just say, "Let's go, we're getting in the car." Tell them where you're going. Tell them what to expect when you get there. Tell them when they'll be coming home. We foster and once we get the children into routines and once they realize we tell them what's going to happen and when, most tantrums and bad behaviors go away. The rest is easier to handle because there's usually a specific reason for them. Children can't communicate as easily as we do, but they generally aren't that different from us. Routines help us to keep from getting worn down.

Loughla 8y ago

>people have treated me poorly because I was a dad with his kids. That's interesting. Honestly, I've found that I get passes for many mistakes, because the bar to being a good dad is set so low in most peoples' minds. If I'm not hitting them and basically know their initials, I seem to be a success. What has your experience been? If you don't mind me asking.

sangnoir 8y ago
> Honestly, I've found that I get passes for many mistakes I'm not gp, but I'm assuming both your experiences are rooted in the same incorrect idea: that dads are lesser/"assistant" parents, real parenting is done by (and expected of) moms. No doubt gp probably experienced the automatic suspicion heaped on any man with small children without a plausible mother-figure around.
MRD85 8y ago
I'll give some examples, keep in mind that individually these aren't too bad but they add up over time and wear you down. * Being asked by a doctor "where's the mum?" as the first question when I've taken to the children to the doctor. * Getting a lot of offers for help because of an assumption of my incompetence. i.e. during kindergarten induction for my daughter, I was asked if I needed help with some of the jobs like covering books. I was the only man in the room. * Getting glared at while playing with my kids at the playground. If you're actually playing with your kids and not sitting on your phone then suddenly you'll find ALL the little kids near you wanting to play. Mums don't like adult men playing near their kids, even if it's with their own kids. * While Christmas shopping with two kids in tow I've received comments like "giving mum a day off huh?". I feel I'm doing an amazing job as a parent so the constant assumptions just do my head in.
- air7 8y ago
  Sounds annoying. However I feel this is a universal problem for anyone who is an anomaly. We all use generalization heuristics, and overall it severs us very well. The "price" is wrong judgement for the rare cases. However it's still a better algorithm than discarding generalizations (if that was even possible) because most things are normal, by definition. What I learn from your comments is that in your area mums usually take their kids to the doctors, single dads are viewed as more incompetent, mostly women play with kids at the playground, and men Christmas shopping with two kids are more likely to be married than single. You are the anomaly and therefore are being wrongly categorized. This is not a personal thing at all! Quite the opposite, it's a manifestation of how your peer group is perceived by the general public. I bet that people that get to know you change this perception and adapt it to you, personally.