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I am by nature not the most charming person in the world, but with effort I can be extremely charming and even charismatic. The approach I use is to really lis

I am by nature not the most charming person in the world, but with effort I can be extremely charming and even charismatic. The approach I use is to really listen to people talking and work out what they are trying to say and mirror it back to them in a more eloquent manner. The result is they think the two of us have totally "clicked". I rarely use this approach as it is mentally very taxing and I don't need to charm many people, but it is very effective. Another strategy that works well for creating friendships is to build a thicket of small favours. Ask for some small favour and then let the other person ask you for something small in return. Repeat. It is always best to be in favour debt with other people (you owe them) than the reverse. There is no better way of creating a true enemy than really helping someone and not letting them return the favour.

vergessenmir 8y ago
This is an interesting piece of advice and I will try it. I have a peculiar nature where I go out of my way to help others but resist favours and help. It is not received very well and have always been confused by it. Can you expand on 'there is no better way of creating a true enemy than ...'
- danieltillett 8y ago
  It appear that people are not very good at carrying the psychology burden caused by not being able to return help. They need to find some way of unloading this debt and if they can't help you back, the best solution seems to be to turn it into hate. The people who hate me the most in the world are not those that I have wronged, but those I really helped. Make sure that if you help someone that you ask them for some help back - it doesn't need to be anything big, but the sooner you unload the debt the happier the person will be towards you. If there is nothing you need help with just make something up and then say thank you.
Zanni 8y ago
Ah, this is brilliant. Your point about mirroring is obvious in retrospect but it's not something I do naturally. In fact, the more I hope to make an impression on someone, the less likely I am to do it. (I'm cycling through some embarrassing memories right now.) I love the idea of repeating back to someone what they have said in a more eloquent manner. That's a specific, actionable strategy (more so than "listening") that's enough of a game that my introverted self could probably put it into practice.

vergessenmir 8y ago

This is an interesting piece of advice and I will try it. I have a peculiar nature where I go out of my way to help others but resist favours and help. It is not received very well and have always been confused by it. Can you expand on 'there is no better way of creating a true enemy than ...'

danieltillett 8y ago
It appear that people are not very good at carrying the psychology burden caused by not being able to return help. They need to find some way of unloading this debt and if they can't help you back, the best solution seems to be to turn it into hate. The people who hate me the most in the world are not those that I have wronged, but those I really helped. Make sure that if you help someone that you ask them for some help back - it doesn't need to be anything big, but the sooner you unload the debt the happier the person will be towards you. If there is nothing you need help with just make something up and then say thank you.

Zanni 8y ago

Ah, this is brilliant. Your point about mirroring is obvious in retrospect but it's not something I do naturally. In fact, the more I hope to make an impression on someone, the less likely I am to do it. (I'm cycling through some embarrassing memories right now.) I love the idea of repeating back to someone what they have said in a more eloquent manner. That's a specific, actionable strategy (more so than "listening") that's enough of a game that my introverted self could probably put it into practice.