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Ask HN: How did you improve your conversational skills?

• 0db532a0 8y ago
  This is for public speaking, but you might want to try and find a Toastmasters club.
• mindcrime 8y ago
  For my thoughts on this, I'll just refer you to my post on a similar thread from a few years back. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14196558 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14196558 The rest of the thread will probably have some stuff you may find useful as well.
• QuiXotical1 8y ago
  I find that sometimes just talking about whatever pops into your head can make for good springboards into a fun conversation. Example: you’re talking and it stalemates, you look out the window and it’s snowing, so you say “ isn’t it crazy that no two snowflakes are the same?” And then the friend goes “yeah” so then you say “actually it kind of reminds me of people, we are all so similar, and there’s billions of us, but none of us are the same.” And just keep doing stuff like that until you find a new thread of conversation that sticks. When I find conversation hard, I usually notice that I’m second guessing my ideas, and thinking that it’s not worth saying whatever it is I’m thinking, and that’s what kills the convo, not that there’s nothing to say. You’re a complex human with complex thoughts, you’re insanely interesting and if you let your ideas out in a light hearted way, people will want to engage with them. Good luck!
• rasikjain 8y ago
  While initiating the conversation, I try to listening to the other person first before I speak anything. This way I clearly understand if there are any mutual or common interest/topics. Before this, I used to interrupt in the middle of conversation and folks did not like it. I had to change my habit of not interrupting and listening patiently. It gets bit difficult to continue the conversation if there is no mutual interest and takes a great deal of effort to continue having conversation. Public/Forum/Group/Toastmasters discussion definitely helps to overcome the fear and anxiety. Hope I am able to answer.
• afarrell 8y ago
  The books Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback from the Harvard Negotiation Project are somewhat helpful, but really only for heavier topics. I've been looking for a good resource on how to lightweight to medium-grade banter.
• deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
• muditmudit 8y ago
  If you are in SF/Bay Area, I would highly recommend taking a course from Jaunty (http://www.jaunty.org http://www.jaunty.org). I took their Co-Ed Comprehensive course (twice!). They are not cheap, (around $1600 for eight week course when I took it), but for me, there is a clear demarkation in my life pre-, and post-Jaunty. I read a lot of books (Art of Conversation, Seduction, How to Win Friends and Influence People, etc), but none of them came close to this course. They target social intelligence with basic conversation skills, humor, body language, etc. I would also highly recommend taking improv comedy classes. In SF/Bay Area, I recommend Made Up Theater (https://madeuptheatre.com/ https://madeuptheatre.com/). I took their classes for over 3-4 months. That really helped me build on conversations (Yes, and...) and not let them die. (Edit: added improv comedy section)
  • mrfusion 8y ago
    Can you tell me more about juanty? What’s it like, how does it work? Would it be worth taking a trip up to ny or sf for a course?
    • muditmudit 8y ago
      Regarding it being worth it for you, that totally depends on finances, and if you are able to find someone to crash with for the duration of the course. If money is no (or little) matter, then I think it'd be worth it. I signed up for Jaunty after being in a social rut for years. I tried books, videos on YouTube, online courses, and 1-on-1 coaching with a life coach. I didn't feel I was getting results that I wanted. With Jaunty, the course is organized in eight 4-5h class once a week. We met on Mondays at 6pm in SF. There were 20-25 other people, both men and women, in the class. Some were from tech, but not all. When I took it for the first time, I was 27. There were people that were younger than me, and some that were 40+. Each week, we did some theory in the class, and then exercises related to them. We all had homework, and an "accountability partner" to keep us on track. We also organized events to practice stuff we learned in class. Looking back, the stuff we covered is very basic. But for me, at the time, it didn't occur to me naturally at all; it took practice for them to become close to second nature. We worked on eye-contact, slowing down, listening, humor, accepting and giving compliments, being assertive, etc. We also practiced basic approaches, and starting up and keeping a conversation going with complete strangers. I still go back and look at my notes from the class. It helped my career at lot. I am better able to connect with colleagues, and more importantly, with managers and recruiters, and ask for more during reviews.
• arandr0x 8y ago
  * Have a goal to the encounter (the goal can be laughter, good feelings, learning whether the conference buffet is any good...) * end conversations when they've ended. If you're at a networking event it's OK to have 5min conversations with people about what they do, if you don't think you can entertain them further. * Try to notice when you're repeating yourself. To do that have group conversations with friends and ask them if they thought you insist too much on a particular issue generally. * When people are having fun they talk louder, faster, kind of lean into you. Optimize for that. * The converse is also true. If you laugh, smile, and generally talk like you're having fun, it makes people feel more comfortable. * When people are talking about a subject and they're suddenly talking a little faster, nod and ask questions. * When people are talking about a subject but don't look too engaged (look around, fidget, move between ideas), build on what they say but switch to a subject you may be able to talk about in some detail. * if it feels too challenging in specific situations, try to convert the situation to a group conversation. Ask dates to board games meetups, go to networking events with another professional, join conversations of existing groups, etc. It's easier to sustain conversations in groups.
• w1 8y ago
  This may sound odd, but my biggest improvement in ability to have casual conversation with anybody came after a few months of beginner improv classes (at Second City). I'm not sure if it was being forced to quickly say _something_, or just being made more comfortable in awkward situations, but those classes did wonders for my long sought-after transformation from "weird conversationalist" to "normal guy".
• sageabilly 8y ago
  I used to struggle with this, but as I've gotten older I have realized that people generally like talking about things they're interested in, and you can keep conversation going by asking questions about what they like. It helps to have kind of a decent memory so you can pick up where you left off before. So, for example, with your friends: "Hey, how's that [thing they were telling you about the last time you saw them] going?" then keep asking questions about it until the topic peters out. Also, a bit off topic, but if you're finding that you and your friends don't have a lot to talk about, maybe find new friends that share hobbies so you can have a more natural flow of conversation? With other professionals: "How did you end up in [Profession]?" or "What brings you to [Conference, lecture, talk, etc.]" A good one that will get you a lot of interesting conversation is "What's your biggest challenge at work right now?" On a date, just ask them about themselves. The whole point of a date is to get to know the other person better, so just ask questions. Maybe the conversation doesn't go anywhere, which is probably a good sign that the relationship isn't going to go anywhere. Random casual encounters: "Hey, [Person]! What have you been up to lately? Oh wow, that sounds really cool! Did you [have a good time, enjoy yourself, meet new people, learn anything new, manage to get that problem fixed, etc]? Great! Well, I have to run, fantastic to see you again!" With speaking one on one with other people, think of the conversation as branches on a tree. You have the main "trunk" of the conversation which is whatever you both have in common (for example, you're both attending the same professional conference), and then topics of conversations are branches of possibility (why they're at the conference, what interests them most about the conference, how they ended up in their profession, etc). You can follow a branch down further to more specific topics if the conversation seems to flow that way, or back up and try a different branch, or maybe following one topic of conversation will lead you in a different direction (They say they're at the conference because they just started a new job, so you start asking them about the job which leads to them saying they just moved, so you can start talking about where they moved from, etc). Something else that has helped me a lot is really thinking about what kind of person I want to be perceived as, and then holding that intent as I interact with others. In my personal life, it's a bit easier, as I just want to be myself, but in my professional life, I have spent some time thinking about what kind of impression I want to leave people with. As a result, whenever I go into a professional situation (like a conference or a big meeting) I spend a couple minutes thinking about what kind of impression I want to leave. That will naturally affect how I interact with others, as I will actively work toward leaving that impression. I'm not saying I create a false persona, just that I try and intentionally have my interactions be positive (so I strive to avoid complaining), that I come across as receptive to what the other person is saying (so I focus on really listening to the other person and understanding what they are saying), and that the other person perceives me as trustworthy (so I don't spread gossip or speak maliciously about anyone else, and I keep conversations private on an ongoing basis).
• nickk2006 8y ago
  When I was in high school, I was horrible at communicating with people. Never went on a date with a girl and bombed all of my interviews. Almost ten years later, I'm pretty much a different person and I think it has to do with three things: 1) Check out the book How to Win Friends & Influence People[1]. It argues that the best way to make connections with people is to be genuinely interested. I read it the summer after graduating high school and try to reread it every couple of years. 2) When I was in college, I went to parties with my friends and forced myself to talk to people. At first, it was extremely awkward, but after a couple years, everything just clicked. If you're out of college, it'd probably be bars/clubs instead of college parties. 3) I joined Toastmasters, which is an organization that helps people become better communicators. They have periodic meetings where you would give a prepared or impromptu speech and have people provide constructive criticism. It's a great place and everyone there is extremely supportive. I think the best way to improve your conversational skills is really just going out there and putting yourself in situations outside of your comfort zone. It'll take a while, but you'll improve a little bit each time. Good Luck! [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...
• sodafountan 8y ago
  I made it a new years resolution to become more social, you're definitely not alone in this. As a developer I sit in front of a screen for the better part of eight hours a day with very little social interaction other than a few emails and IM's and whoever decides they need something and wants to come up and talk. Social skills are like a muscle in my opinion, the more you use them the better they'll be, I'm a good developer because I use those muscles five days a week and I'm a bad conversationalist because I don't conversate much. Just like making a resolution to hit the gym more often in the new year, as a developer, I'm making a resolution to have more conversations.
• appleiigs 8y ago
  I used to think before speaking. That would screw up informal conversations. Now I speak what I’m thinking. Think out loud. I only need to pause when I’m thinking something negative or potentially offensive, then I say something like “oh that’s interesting”... pause (and think)... then say something neutral like “I would have done/thought/handled that differently”. My wife can speak for 10 mins in seemingly one long sentence, and her opinion can change from the beginning of the sentence to the end. It’s just because her brain is spewing out. However, people love talking to her.
  • deleted 8y ago
    [deleted]
• kyoob 8y ago
  Improv comedy classes helped me a lot. Not even necessarily with spontaneity. They helped me build confidence. "I don't know what this situation is, and that feels yucky. But I've felt that kind of yuck a lot of times before so I'm pretty sure I'll be able to navigate it." One of my improv instructors gave me this advice about conversations that always resonated with me: just make the conversation about the other person. If you get to the end of it, ask a question about them. "Are you traveling for the holidays?" "See any movies lately?" "Where'd you get that ring?" "How are your cats doing?" Anything, as long as it's about them. Keep them talking. A metaphor we learned was "bull and matador." You're dealing with someone who has their own full, rich inner life. They're like a bull ready to lunge forward with a new spike of conversation. Sometimes you just need to wave your cape this way or that to get them to do the work.
  • veddox 8y ago
    As well as keeping the conversation going, this has the added benefit of showing the other person that you care about them - great for relationship building! (Pro tip: it works best when you actually do care about them ;-) )
  • hashr8064 8y ago
    This is definitely the best tip. Two things have probably helped me more than any others, this and saying people's names. If you say someone's name you will remember it and I've noticed it helps them also remember you and have warmer feeling about you. Also asking questions will open up tons more information you can spring off of to learn more about them and find shared interests, opinions, differences, etc. I would say you will have to genuinely care, if you don't people will notice and it comes off fake and creepy. I have noticed this with some consultants / business people. ( not saying it only occurrs there, just anecdotal personal experience)
• WAthrowaway 8y ago
  LSD
• nunez 8y ago
  Instead of asking the usual talking points ("Where do you work?/What do you do for work?" "Where are you from?"), try to ask _around_ them. So instead of asking someone what they do for work, try asking them what their day was like and then probing into their emotions (Was it good? What made it good? Was it bad? What made it bad?). We are shaped by our habitat and our work life, so people will naturally divulge those details if you ask _around_ enough while providing more "honest" answers. Also, good conversations to most people are usually ones where they get to spend a lot of time talking about themselves. So one easy way to maintain a conversation is asking more questions that will get them talking about themselves. Also, some people just don't like talking or are not in the mood to talk. While I love talking and meeting new people, I HATE doing it in confined places that I can't easily exit from (planes, car rides) or while I'm working out (gym, biking). Something I'm not good at (that I am trying to improve on) is telling people that I'm not in the mood for talking in a nice way, so often times, I come across as a dick in those situations when people try to talk to me. Picking up on queues that insinuate "I don't want to talk" (looking at phone, sitting with body turned away from you, looking everywhere else but the conversation, one- or two-word responses) and respecting that is also important. Good luck!