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I was molested & bullied as a kid, starting between 3-5 years old. It traumatized me. I started withdrawing emotionally into video games and television at age 8

I was molested & bullied as a kid, starting between 3-5 years old. It traumatized me. I started withdrawing emotionally into video games and television at age 8 or sooner. I was diagnosed with ADD after 8th grade. I added porn and learning about tech at age 12 to my avoidance habits. I entered into recovery for information, gaming, porn, masturbation, sex, love, and sugar addictions at age 32. I was accused for years of being autistic in some way. Nope...I simply disconnected emotionally at an early age and didn't learn to actually feel my feelings until 20+ years after I was biologically supposed to. Anxiety was my norm and I didn't know it because I didn't know what anxiety was. The fact that I could go so long without basic lessons on what emotions are, how we feel them physically in the body, and what to do with them is a damning commentary on our society. The fact that my trauma went unrecognized as such, even by me, til 32 is a damning commentary on psychology. I've been feeling my feelings for 2.5 years and it started as a direct result of me saying aloud to myself while alone "That traumatized me." The next moment was a flood of emotions, including excitement over whatever this flood of emotions was or could lead to and how weird it was that simply saying words out loud could lead to it. I now think everyone could benefit from making a list of things they think didn't traumatize them that other people have been historically traumatized by before, consider how their personal story lines up with standard stories of denial, and then consider the idea that they were traumatized in ways they don't yet realize while saying "That traumatized me."

perfmode 8y ago
Thank you for sharing this.
kaybe 8y ago
Is there a list of what people have been historically traumatized from before?
- crawfordcomeaux 8y ago
  There are. This was one of the first hits from searching "What are examples of traumatic events" (https://keltymentalhealth.ca/post-traumatic-stress-disorder https://keltymentalhealth.ca/post-traumatic-stress-disorder) - domestic or family violence, dating violence - community violence (shooting, mugging, burglary, assault, bullying) - sexual or physical abuse natural disaster such as a hurricane, flood, fire or earthquake - a serious car accident -sudden unexpected or violent death of someone close (suicide, accident) - serious injury (burns, dog attack) - major surgery or life-threatening illness (childhood cancer) - war or political violence (civil war, terrorism, refugee) I'd add to this a few more: - chronic negligence, either from the self, community, or family (if someone's treated like an outcast and/or isn't regularly meeting their needs) - persistent threat to resources (food/job/housing insecurity) - witnessing trauma - psychosocial or cultural enslavement (choosing to hold and/or act on beliefs that don't contribute to making life more wonderful for all life, capitalism) I'm sure there are others. I find it helpful to keep an open mind about trauma and how to define it. I personally consider being born into a capitalistic society without being given the explicit option to enjoy life without direct participation in capitalism to be traumatizing, to some degree. Same goes for being born into a government that doesn't allow for peacefully revoking consent to be governed at any time for any reason. Both can lead to automatic and largely unconscious complicity in violent systems. I think realizing my participation in such systems was traumatic, as well as the responses I get from people when I talk about it. Just today, our landlord told us that because we have a friend staying with us and helping out with our newborn, we need to pay an extra $50/month. Their reason for the added rent is explicitly and purely out of disagreement with how we live our lives and their projections on our friend as being homeless. We've already dealt with this sort of nonsense, so we've grown through the trauma of having loved ones (and, yes, we love our landlords) try to punish us for our way of life or shame us into changing. Most people haven't and this could've easily been an event that feeds into a cycle of housing insecurity or social exclusion. Basically, did one or more of someone's need go unmet/denied in a big way or for a long time? Probably trauma. I don't think there's harm in assuming trauma when there isn't any, as long as the reason for doing so is to heal from it, which includes forgiving all those involved and finding gratitude for the event because I learned to better identify & meet my needs from it. If assuming trauma to judge others, I'd stop and reflect on why that is; there's likely a different trauma in myself that's been activated leading me to want to lash out at others. Often times, like when I've realized ways I contributed to systems of violence, the prescription that helps with that kind of trauma is mourning/grieving. I've also heard therapists say "It was trauma if you say it was," meaning it's up to the individual to determine the impact of something. Unfortunately, this can lead to denial when someone carries a default of judging others as good/bad. A friend grew up being whipped harshly by their dad and strapped into their bed at night against their will. This had a lasting impression on them emotionally & they wouldn't admit to it, possibly because they heavily subscribed to black-and-white thinking & viewing their parents as having traumatized them would've required labeling people they love as bad. I suspect this is one reason why so much trauma goes unreported: people have mindsets that promote denial. Acceptance is a key to healing from trauma for this reason.
ethanwillis 8y ago
Thank you for sharing that publicly. A lot of these things go unsaid and that makes it hard for others to make the realizations they need to make. I've gone through the exact same thing, I'm 27 now and I feel like I'm just now finally beginning to understand myself. I used to think that resilience was a great trait, I prided myself on being able to be emotionally distant from charged situations and keep a level head. But really resilience can be a double edged sword where you fall into avoidance patterns in many different ways that does nothing but isolate you in harmful ways if you don't get a grip on it. For anyone else who this speaks to, I'd recommend reading this book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd I just finished it a week or two ago and it was amazing.
susanhi 8y ago
Thank you for sharing this. I commend your courage. I had similar experiences to what you described. In my mid-30s, I sought out the best attachment therapist that I could find. My search was world-wide since I was willing to move to get treatment and me and my husband can work from anywhere. I found a group in near Boston called the Attachment Institute of New England. Though they predominantly work with children, they agreed to treat me. It completely changed my life and allowed me to overcome and heal from my past. That was 5 years ago and since then, I’ve had children. I know I would not be the parent I am without their help. I only wish I could somehow replicate what they did for me to help more people as I know most people don’t have the luxury of finances and time to do what I was able to do.
- crawfordcomeaux 8y ago
  My first child is almost 8 weeks old & I'm incredibly grateful for the work myself and my partner have done on ourselves leading up to this point. Would you be willing to connect outside of this thread to talk about your treatment? I'm writing a book centered on a framework for self programming I'm designing and would love to inform it with the experiences of others. I'm convinced we can mathematically define the human system in a computational/programmatic way and use computer science to figure out language constructs resulting in scripts to follow for achieving what we want our minds/bodies/brains to do (or configuring them however we want). I've been "programming" myself in this way for 2 years and have experienced a lot of rapid change, as a result. I'm hoping the book will help people do the same things you & I have accomplished, but in ways they can adapt to their daily lives so they don't have to take a break from life. The book will only be sold if there's a structure in place such that one purchase funds several free copies or freely helping others in some financial way. I don't want to profit from its sale.
- 5580 8y ago
  For those who are believers, there is a no-cost ministry in Tulsa, OK (God's ER, godser.us) that helps people work through trauma by similar means. They also have means of remote ministry. My daughter no longer registers on the autism spectrum after working with this ministry. I have friends that have worked through some heavy things in their past and now have high degrees of emotional function.

perfmode 8y ago

Thank you for sharing this.

kaybe 8y ago

Is there a list of what people have been historically traumatized from before?

crawfordcomeaux 8y ago
There are. This was one of the first hits from searching "What are examples of traumatic events" (https://keltymentalhealth.ca/post-traumatic-stress-disorder https://keltymentalhealth.ca/post-traumatic-stress-disorder) - domestic or family violence, dating violence - community violence (shooting, mugging, burglary, assault, bullying) - sexual or physical abuse natural disaster such as a hurricane, flood, fire or earthquake - a serious car accident -sudden unexpected or violent death of someone close (suicide, accident) - serious injury (burns, dog attack) - major surgery or life-threatening illness (childhood cancer) - war or political violence (civil war, terrorism, refugee) I'd add to this a few more: - chronic negligence, either from the self, community, or family (if someone's treated like an outcast and/or isn't regularly meeting their needs) - persistent threat to resources (food/job/housing insecurity) - witnessing trauma - psychosocial or cultural enslavement (choosing to hold and/or act on beliefs that don't contribute to making life more wonderful for all life, capitalism) I'm sure there are others. I find it helpful to keep an open mind about trauma and how to define it. I personally consider being born into a capitalistic society without being given the explicit option to enjoy life without direct participation in capitalism to be traumatizing, to some degree. Same goes for being born into a government that doesn't allow for peacefully revoking consent to be governed at any time for any reason. Both can lead to automatic and largely unconscious complicity in violent systems. I think realizing my participation in such systems was traumatic, as well as the responses I get from people when I talk about it. Just today, our landlord told us that because we have a friend staying with us and helping out with our newborn, we need to pay an extra $50/month. Their reason for the added rent is explicitly and purely out of disagreement with how we live our lives and their projections on our friend as being homeless. We've already dealt with this sort of nonsense, so we've grown through the trauma of having loved ones (and, yes, we love our landlords) try to punish us for our way of life or shame us into changing. Most people haven't and this could've easily been an event that feeds into a cycle of housing insecurity or social exclusion. Basically, did one or more of someone's need go unmet/denied in a big way or for a long time? Probably trauma. I don't think there's harm in assuming trauma when there isn't any, as long as the reason for doing so is to heal from it, which includes forgiving all those involved and finding gratitude for the event because I learned to better identify & meet my needs from it. If assuming trauma to judge others, I'd stop and reflect on why that is; there's likely a different trauma in myself that's been activated leading me to want to lash out at others. Often times, like when I've realized ways I contributed to systems of violence, the prescription that helps with that kind of trauma is mourning/grieving. I've also heard therapists say "It was trauma if you say it was," meaning it's up to the individual to determine the impact of something. Unfortunately, this can lead to denial when someone carries a default of judging others as good/bad. A friend grew up being whipped harshly by their dad and strapped into their bed at night against their will. This had a lasting impression on them emotionally & they wouldn't admit to it, possibly because they heavily subscribed to black-and-white thinking & viewing their parents as having traumatized them would've required labeling people they love as bad. I suspect this is one reason why so much trauma goes unreported: people have mindsets that promote denial. Acceptance is a key to healing from trauma for this reason.

ethanwillis 8y ago

Thank you for sharing that publicly. A lot of these things go unsaid and that makes it hard for others to make the realizations they need to make. I've gone through the exact same thing, I'm 27 now and I feel like I'm just now finally beginning to understand myself. I used to think that resilience was a great trait, I prided myself on being able to be emotionally distant from charged situations and keep a level head. But really resilience can be a double edged sword where you fall into avoidance patterns in many different ways that does nothing but isolate you in harmful ways if you don't get a grip on it. For anyone else who this speaks to, I'd recommend reading this book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd I just finished it a week or two ago and it was amazing.

susanhi 8y ago

Thank you for sharing this. I commend your courage. I had similar experiences to what you described. In my mid-30s, I sought out the best attachment therapist that I could find. My search was world-wide since I was willing to move to get treatment and me and my husband can work from anywhere. I found a group in near Boston called the Attachment Institute of New England. Though they predominantly work with children, they agreed to treat me. It completely changed my life and allowed me to overcome and heal from my past. That was 5 years ago and since then, I’ve had children. I know I would not be the parent I am without their help. I only wish I could somehow replicate what they did for me to help more people as I know most people don’t have the luxury of finances and time to do what I was able to do.

crawfordcomeaux 8y ago
My first child is almost 8 weeks old & I'm incredibly grateful for the work myself and my partner have done on ourselves leading up to this point. Would you be willing to connect outside of this thread to talk about your treatment? I'm writing a book centered on a framework for self programming I'm designing and would love to inform it with the experiences of others. I'm convinced we can mathematically define the human system in a computational/programmatic way and use computer science to figure out language constructs resulting in scripts to follow for achieving what we want our minds/bodies/brains to do (or configuring them however we want). I've been "programming" myself in this way for 2 years and have experienced a lot of rapid change, as a result. I'm hoping the book will help people do the same things you & I have accomplished, but in ways they can adapt to their daily lives so they don't have to take a break from life. The book will only be sold if there's a structure in place such that one purchase funds several free copies or freely helping others in some financial way. I don't want to profit from its sale.
5580 8y ago
For those who are believers, there is a no-cost ministry in Tulsa, OK (God's ER, godser.us) that helps people work through trauma by similar means. They also have means of remote ministry. My daughter no longer registers on the autism spectrum after working with this ministry. I have friends that have worked through some heavy things in their past and now have high degrees of emotional function.