7 ms·

Rediscovering My Daughter Through Instagram

104 points by spunker540 8y ago

bruxis 8y ago
I must be extremely disconnected from this author's perception of the world (and their relationship with their daughter). This quote at the very top of the article really grinds my gears: "Few things are more painful than loving a 15-year-old girl, particularly when she is your child." The rest of the article isn't as catchy, but reads a lot like a very long (15-year) case of postpartum depression.
- honkycat 8y ago
  I must be extremely disconnected from your perception of what an insightful comment is, because this is just low and dumb and adds nothing. Go be hateful somewhere else.
  - dang 8y ago
    Please don't break the site guidelines, even if another comment did. That only makes this place worse yet. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
- ars 8y ago
  Yes, you are disconnected. Do you/Did you have a 15-year-old daughter?
- yipbub 8y ago
  The last comment is quite rude and clearly unsubstantiated. The writer speaks of missing the daughters childhood. That is not postpartum depression. I see a mother respecting the boundaries a young person is experimenting with as she forms new relationships outside her parental ones. Something I expect is quite difficult as both parties make mistakes. You speak as if you find human disconnect baffling. Perhaps you've had no trouble in your relationships, but I'm extremely disconnected from your apparent perspective that parental relationships with teenagers can't be a source of a lot of pain for all parties. (I write as a 22 year old remembering my own somewhat recent teenage years.)
- gumby 8y ago
  I appreciated that the author even related her disconnection to her daughter to her own perspective of the same thing when she had been the same age. The whole point of childrearing is that the kids have to disconnect as part of becoming responsible independent adults. While the ultimate level of disconnection varies by parent/child, the process of getting there is going to oscillate above and below the "ideal" amount.
- dang 8y ago
  Please don't post shallow dismissals, especially when mixed with rage. None of us, including you I'm sure, wants HN to be the kind of place where people just secrete unfiltered bile. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
fouc 8y ago
Millennials - the generation of photographers, because of smartphones and instagram. Does anyone else get irritated when their friends feel obligated to whip out their phone to take pictures when you're out and about in new locations?
- Swizec 8y ago
  As one of those friends: I’m sorry I enjoy your company and want to cherish it as a good memory.
  - fouc 8y ago
    And worse is when it's the pictures are ultimately used to compete in the popularity contests of facebook & instagram :)
    - Swizec 8y ago
      That’s the thing though. We all enjoy experiences differently. Taking pictures helps me focus on interesting events and primes me to notice more about them. 90% of the time I never look at those photos again but the act of having taken them helps the event stick in my memory longer. Like taking notes during meeting or whatever. It’s a mindfulness device.
      - PavlovsCat 8y ago
        I love taking my DSLR in a bag with me, in the hopes of finding a photo on the way to wherever I'm going. I rarely take it out, I got real lazy, but just having it with me still "makes me" look at things differently, and I enjoy that. I don't know if it makes me more mindful, but it makes even a boring street I might walk down every day much more interesting.
  - rootusrootus 8y ago
    It depends on what you're taking pictures of. A lot of people seem to snap pictures of landscape, with or without other strangers in it. Those are the kind of pictures that aren't really durably interesting over the long haul. For well known places you can always find a pro who did a wonderful job capturing it. Now, if you're taking pictures of yourself and/or your friends, that makes perfect sense to me. As long as it doesn't get in the way of actually enjoying the experience.
kiliantics 8y ago
This seems mostly like a not-so-humblebrag about her daughter than anything else. Child of NYTimes editor and journalist in Brooklyn has 1000 followers on instagram. Real big news.
- swelz 8y ago
  It's more of her having an emotional discovery of how she can still see and view her daughter's life, even if she hasn't figured out how to be an active participant yet. Sure she used her position to write about it and throw it up on NYT but the bigger point is that it could help many parents who have similar issues find some solace, or maybe another avenue to reconnect with their teenager's life. I think this is something that resonates with those who have children that are pulling away.
- nl 8y ago
  I really don't think making a claim of 1000 followers is a humblebrag in any kind of sense. It's only slightly above average (the average being 843), so kind of a weird thing to think of as a brag.
- geden 8y ago
  Totally agree. Strongly felt like a particularly roundabout humblebrag to me and I'm very surprised you have been voted down.
warent 8y ago
"I had never asked to see Paulina’s feed. I didn’t even know the name she used." I think therein lies a big part of the problem. She's feeling rejected that her 15 year old daughter won't listen to her acoustic cover of some band from her generation, but then doesn't express interest in this huge part of her daughter's generation. I don't have children so this is just armchair/backseat parenting which I understand is much easier from the sidelines. That being said, it seems very evident to me that it would probably help her tremendously if she would update herself with pop culture and technology a little bit to make herself a more accessible and relatable to her daughter, because playing music from yester-generation is only going to make herself seem more foreign and distant (in this particular scenario)
- pacaro 8y ago
  Even as the parent of a 4 year old I feel that my opinion is somewhat “armchair/backseat” but I agree with you, with an addendum. It’s good and important for parents and other adults in teenagers’ lives to keep current on pop culture, but even at 30 years remove I remember how cringe worthy and counter productive it was when such an adult thought that they could relate because of a few radio and tv shows that they watched. Following your child’s Instagram feed may well give a way deeper insight, maybe asking to share their playlists too
  - Markoff 8y ago
    yeah but what if you were not really interested in current mainstream pop culture even when you were younger? i don't listen radio crap for long time, have clue about celebrities and i have similar child as you, same goes for TV shows where i am very picky and i don't have Facebook, twitter or other social network account besides Reddit, let alone youngsters snapchat or Instagram which i find meaningless already now, not 10-15 years from now when my children will be teenagers
- gumby 8y ago
  Consider it the other way -- she's giving her child privacy. I never asked to "friend" my son on social media (and told him why) and he invited me to FB, which I believe he curates pretty heavily and doesn't use much -- basically to make a picture for old people. He hasn't asked me to friend him on instagram or snapchat and that's OK (and various IG pictures leak out anyway via other channels, like other people)
taysic 8y ago
Wow that was beautifully written.
bigpoppa 8y ago
This persons daughter is an ungrateful spolied brooklyn brat who should be sent to work on a chicken farm in wisconsin to learn some respect for her mother. Did you know the chickens demand respect in wisconsin?
nickysielicki 8y ago
Never let anyone tell you that our current standard of "normal" is normal. It's only the pressures of the world that make teenagers retract from their parents. Every emotion you've ever felt has been developed, whether by God or by hundreds of thousands of years of natural selection. Conscious thought may deliver us to emotion, but the emotion that you arrive at is something that has always been inside of you. When feel something isn't right, it's a good indicator that something isn't the way it's supposed to be. There's no reason that the world would be made in a way where mothers of teenage daughters are supposed to be miserable and shut out. There's no reason that the transition of growing from a baby to becoming an adult should not be smooth and untraumatic for all involved parties. What is the evolutionary advantage of making mothers miserable as a necessary part of producing offspring? The idea that the family has become such a secondary consideration in modern society, to the point that this mother is advocating to others mothers about the opportunity to vicariously know your own child via the Internet... It's nothing short of heartbreaking. Nothing is more certain in my mind than the idea that it doesn't have to be this way, and historically has not been this way. Kids have been sexualized and have to grow up too quickly. Kids have been made into tiny workers that do busy work for most of their childhood, away from their parents, because both parents have to work. It's dystopian, disgusting and perverted
- adrianN 8y ago
  I think that children used to be independent much earlier before humans invented agriculture. By your mid to late teens your body is developed enough to survive on your own and have children of your own. The evolutionary advantage in a hunter-gatherer society of making parents miserable is encouraging offspring from separating from their parents to start families of their own and not compete for the same resources. You see it with all kinds of animals. And if I'm not mistaken it wasn't at all unusual until fairly recently for daughters to be married off and for sons to start an apprenticeship in their late teens. Only the necessity for decades of education for getting a job keeps children dependent on their parents so long.
- captain_chester 8y ago
  Well said.
dorkwood 8y ago
The author's attempt to connect with her daughter seemed obviously misguided to me. Upon discovering that her daughter -- a budding guitar player -- liked listening to one of the same songs she did, she thought it would be wise to demonstrate that she, the experienced adult, already knew how to play that particular song on the guitar. Next, she offered to teach her daughter how to play it herself, robbing her of any opportunity to a) learn the song on her own, and b) decide for herself that it was a song she wanted to learn in the first place. I think a lot of parents could do with a bit more empathy for their teenage children. Teenagers are developing newfound desires for autonomy and mastery, but still feel largely trapped by their circumstances. It's no wonder they lock themselves in their rooms -- it's the only environment they have any control over.
- silveroriole 8y ago
  Yes. I’m nearly 30 and my mother still has the power to instantly discourage any hobby I’m picking up by spamming me with tips, telling me the equipment I’ve bought is no good and I should buy what she has, and insisting on “showing me how it’s done”. That’s not bonding with your child, it’s overpowering your child. It’s subtly telling them that you, the parent, are all-knowing and all-powerful and you’ll never be impressed because you can always do better than your child. It’s asking the child to be impressed by you instead.
- r_c_a_d 8y ago
  As a parent it is really hard to find the right balance between wanting to spend time with your kids and trampling all over their hobbies. Especially if it is a hobby where they need you to drive them somewhere and stay or pick them up later. My father and I used to compete in the same sport and I always hated it when he did well. Because however well I did, it was always how much ahead of him I got that mattered. With my sons I have conciously either not competed against them, or only competed in events that I am rubbish at. And I don't go anywhere near their online games and social networks.
konart 8y ago
>A few months ago she cued up “The Rain Song” by Led Zeppelin, one of my favorites when I was her age. What a nice family!
lkdjjdjjjdskjd 8y ago
Discovering the fake perfected Instagram version of her daughter. Maybe she couldn't deal with the not-so-perfect normal life daughter, and that is why said daughter shut her out. Maybe not - but after "ruining" the Led Zeppelin song for he daughter, now she went after the one other thing that seems to make her daughter happy, which is Instagram. What if that article now gives her daughter unwanted fame and ruins that part of her life, too? Maybe it is still about control, not participating in someone's life?
- 0db532a0 8y ago
  If the daughter thinks that a song is suddenly uncool or ruined just because her mum liked it when she was younger and wanted to share that with her, then pardon my French, but the daughter sounds like a bit of a cunt. I’m sure there are a lot of people here who have picked up some top tunes from their parents. Of course we don’t see the full picture here, but I think it’s great that the mum sat down to play a tune that her daughter likes on the guitar.
  - Izkata 8y ago
    My perspective of the article, which seems to have not even crossed your mind: The mother's actions aren't those of someone trying to understand her daughter, but instead co-opt her daughter's interests to make it all about herself instead of her daughter. It's not so much that it's "uncool" or "ruined", but that her mother isn't allowing her to find her own identity, trying to pull her back into defining herself in terms of her mother. And she doesn't want to be just her mother's add-on.
  - lkdjjdjjjdskjd 8y ago
    We certainly don't know the full story, so I am not giving an absolute judgement. It was just a guess. I have to say that the mother is using her daughter for her articles is already a huge red flag to me. Especially since according to article, the mother is perfect and it is all the weirdness of her daughter that is to blame. On the other hand, of course, people have to be able to discuss their parenting issues, and it is important that there are also articles about that. I don't know a good solution for that problem.
richarddavid 8y ago
It is so sad that most spouse do not tend to be loyal now adays,it happened to me also, all i did to solve it was just to be smart, i contacted a DARK WEB officer DEEPWEBOFF1@PROTONMAIL.COM who could help me penetrate into my spouse phone and email, and also laptop and office computer and i got all i wanted, even found out he his already filing a divorce and was about handing me a letter. The darkweb officer helped me, you may need him too to get the truth you want to know, contact him on DEEPWEBOFF1@PROTONMAIL.COM he his good and i guarantee

104 points by spunker540 8y ago

I must be extremely disconnected from this author's perception of the world (and their relationship with their daughter). This quote at the very top of the article really grinds my gears: "Few things are more painful than loving a 15-year-old girl, particularly when she is your child." The rest of the article isn't as catchy, but reads a lot like a very long (15-year) case of postpartum depression.

honkycat 8y ago
I must be extremely disconnected from your perception of what an insightful comment is, because this is just low and dumb and adds nothing. Go be hateful somewhere else.
- dang 8y ago
  Please don't break the site guidelines, even if another comment did. That only makes this place worse yet. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
ars 8y ago
Yes, you are disconnected. Do you/Did you have a 15-year-old daughter?
yipbub 8y ago
The last comment is quite rude and clearly unsubstantiated. The writer speaks of missing the daughters childhood. That is not postpartum depression. I see a mother respecting the boundaries a young person is experimenting with as she forms new relationships outside her parental ones. Something I expect is quite difficult as both parties make mistakes. You speak as if you find human disconnect baffling. Perhaps you've had no trouble in your relationships, but I'm extremely disconnected from your apparent perspective that parental relationships with teenagers can't be a source of a lot of pain for all parties. (I write as a 22 year old remembering my own somewhat recent teenage years.)
gumby 8y ago
I appreciated that the author even related her disconnection to her daughter to her own perspective of the same thing when she had been the same age. The whole point of childrearing is that the kids have to disconnect as part of becoming responsible independent adults. While the ultimate level of disconnection varies by parent/child, the process of getting there is going to oscillate above and below the "ideal" amount.
dang 8y ago
Please don't post shallow dismissals, especially when mixed with rage. None of us, including you I'm sure, wants HN to be the kind of place where people just secrete unfiltered bile. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

fouc 8y ago

Millennials - the generation of photographers, because of smartphones and instagram. Does anyone else get irritated when their friends feel obligated to whip out their phone to take pictures when you're out and about in new locations?

Swizec 8y ago
As one of those friends: I’m sorry I enjoy your company and want to cherish it as a good memory.
- fouc 8y ago
  And worse is when it's the pictures are ultimately used to compete in the popularity contests of facebook & instagram :)
  - Swizec 8y ago
    That’s the thing though. We all enjoy experiences differently. Taking pictures helps me focus on interesting events and primes me to notice more about them. 90% of the time I never look at those photos again but the act of having taken them helps the event stick in my memory longer. Like taking notes during meeting or whatever. It’s a mindfulness device.
    - PavlovsCat 8y ago
      I love taking my DSLR in a bag with me, in the hopes of finding a photo on the way to wherever I'm going. I rarely take it out, I got real lazy, but just having it with me still "makes me" look at things differently, and I enjoy that. I don't know if it makes me more mindful, but it makes even a boring street I might walk down every day much more interesting.
- rootusrootus 8y ago
  It depends on what you're taking pictures of. A lot of people seem to snap pictures of landscape, with or without other strangers in it. Those are the kind of pictures that aren't really durably interesting over the long haul. For well known places you can always find a pro who did a wonderful job capturing it. Now, if you're taking pictures of yourself and/or your friends, that makes perfect sense to me. As long as it doesn't get in the way of actually enjoying the experience.

kiliantics 8y ago

This seems mostly like a not-so-humblebrag about her daughter than anything else. Child of NYTimes editor and journalist in Brooklyn has 1000 followers on instagram. Real big news.

swelz 8y ago
It's more of her having an emotional discovery of how she can still see and view her daughter's life, even if she hasn't figured out how to be an active participant yet. Sure she used her position to write about it and throw it up on NYT but the bigger point is that it could help many parents who have similar issues find some solace, or maybe another avenue to reconnect with their teenager's life. I think this is something that resonates with those who have children that are pulling away.
nl 8y ago
I really don't think making a claim of 1000 followers is a humblebrag in any kind of sense. It's only slightly above average (the average being 843), so kind of a weird thing to think of as a brag.
geden 8y ago
Totally agree. Strongly felt like a particularly roundabout humblebrag to me and I'm very surprised you have been voted down.

warent 8y ago

"I had never asked to see Paulina’s feed. I didn’t even know the name she used." I think therein lies a big part of the problem. She's feeling rejected that her 15 year old daughter won't listen to her acoustic cover of some band from her generation, but then doesn't express interest in this huge part of her daughter's generation. I don't have children so this is just armchair/backseat parenting which I understand is much easier from the sidelines. That being said, it seems very evident to me that it would probably help her tremendously if she would update herself with pop culture and technology a little bit to make herself a more accessible and relatable to her daughter, because playing music from yester-generation is only going to make herself seem more foreign and distant (in this particular scenario)

pacaro 8y ago
Even as the parent of a 4 year old I feel that my opinion is somewhat “armchair/backseat” but I agree with you, with an addendum. It’s good and important for parents and other adults in teenagers’ lives to keep current on pop culture, but even at 30 years remove I remember how cringe worthy and counter productive it was when such an adult thought that they could relate because of a few radio and tv shows that they watched. Following your child’s Instagram feed may well give a way deeper insight, maybe asking to share their playlists too
- Markoff 8y ago
  yeah but what if you were not really interested in current mainstream pop culture even when you were younger? i don't listen radio crap for long time, have clue about celebrities and i have similar child as you, same goes for TV shows where i am very picky and i don't have Facebook, twitter or other social network account besides Reddit, let alone youngsters snapchat or Instagram which i find meaningless already now, not 10-15 years from now when my children will be teenagers
gumby 8y ago
Consider it the other way -- she's giving her child privacy. I never asked to "friend" my son on social media (and told him why) and he invited me to FB, which I believe he curates pretty heavily and doesn't use much -- basically to make a picture for old people. He hasn't asked me to friend him on instagram or snapchat and that's OK (and various IG pictures leak out anyway via other channels, like other people)

taysic 8y ago

Wow that was beautifully written.

bigpoppa 8y ago

This persons daughter is an ungrateful spolied brooklyn brat who should be sent to work on a chicken farm in wisconsin to learn some respect for her mother. Did you know the chickens demand respect in wisconsin?

nickysielicki 8y ago

Never let anyone tell you that our current standard of "normal" is normal. It's only the pressures of the world that make teenagers retract from their parents. Every emotion you've ever felt has been developed, whether by God or by hundreds of thousands of years of natural selection. Conscious thought may deliver us to emotion, but the emotion that you arrive at is something that has always been inside of you. When feel something isn't right, it's a good indicator that something isn't the way it's supposed to be. There's no reason that the world would be made in a way where mothers of teenage daughters are supposed to be miserable and shut out. There's no reason that the transition of growing from a baby to becoming an adult should not be smooth and untraumatic for all involved parties. What is the evolutionary advantage of making mothers miserable as a necessary part of producing offspring? The idea that the family has become such a secondary consideration in modern society, to the point that this mother is advocating to others mothers about the opportunity to vicariously know your own child via the Internet... It's nothing short of heartbreaking. Nothing is more certain in my mind than the idea that it doesn't have to be this way, and historically has not been this way. Kids have been sexualized and have to grow up too quickly. Kids have been made into tiny workers that do busy work for most of their childhood, away from their parents, because both parents have to work. It's dystopian, disgusting and perverted

adrianN 8y ago
I think that children used to be independent much earlier before humans invented agriculture. By your mid to late teens your body is developed enough to survive on your own and have children of your own. The evolutionary advantage in a hunter-gatherer society of making parents miserable is encouraging offspring from separating from their parents to start families of their own and not compete for the same resources. You see it with all kinds of animals. And if I'm not mistaken it wasn't at all unusual until fairly recently for daughters to be married off and for sons to start an apprenticeship in their late teens. Only the necessity for decades of education for getting a job keeps children dependent on their parents so long.
captain_chester 8y ago
Well said.

dorkwood 8y ago

The author's attempt to connect with her daughter seemed obviously misguided to me. Upon discovering that her daughter -- a budding guitar player -- liked listening to one of the same songs she did, she thought it would be wise to demonstrate that she, the experienced adult, already knew how to play that particular song on the guitar. Next, she offered to teach her daughter how to play it herself, robbing her of any opportunity to a) learn the song on her own, and b) decide for herself that it was a song she wanted to learn in the first place. I think a lot of parents could do with a bit more empathy for their teenage children. Teenagers are developing newfound desires for autonomy and mastery, but still feel largely trapped by their circumstances. It's no wonder they lock themselves in their rooms -- it's the only environment they have any control over.

silveroriole 8y ago
Yes. I’m nearly 30 and my mother still has the power to instantly discourage any hobby I’m picking up by spamming me with tips, telling me the equipment I’ve bought is no good and I should buy what she has, and insisting on “showing me how it’s done”. That’s not bonding with your child, it’s overpowering your child. It’s subtly telling them that you, the parent, are all-knowing and all-powerful and you’ll never be impressed because you can always do better than your child. It’s asking the child to be impressed by you instead.
r_c_a_d 8y ago
As a parent it is really hard to find the right balance between wanting to spend time with your kids and trampling all over their hobbies. Especially if it is a hobby where they need you to drive them somewhere and stay or pick them up later. My father and I used to compete in the same sport and I always hated it when he did well. Because however well I did, it was always how much ahead of him I got that mattered. With my sons I have conciously either not competed against them, or only competed in events that I am rubbish at. And I don't go anywhere near their online games and social networks.

konart 8y ago

>A few months ago she cued up “The Rain Song” by Led Zeppelin, one of my favorites when I was her age. What a nice family!

lkdjjdjjjdskjd 8y ago

Discovering the fake perfected Instagram version of her daughter. Maybe she couldn't deal with the not-so-perfect normal life daughter, and that is why said daughter shut her out. Maybe not - but after "ruining" the Led Zeppelin song for he daughter, now she went after the one other thing that seems to make her daughter happy, which is Instagram. What if that article now gives her daughter unwanted fame and ruins that part of her life, too? Maybe it is still about control, not participating in someone's life?

0db532a0 8y ago
If the daughter thinks that a song is suddenly uncool or ruined just because her mum liked it when she was younger and wanted to share that with her, then pardon my French, but the daughter sounds like a bit of a cunt. I’m sure there are a lot of people here who have picked up some top tunes from their parents. Of course we don’t see the full picture here, but I think it’s great that the mum sat down to play a tune that her daughter likes on the guitar.
- Izkata 8y ago
  My perspective of the article, which seems to have not even crossed your mind: The mother's actions aren't those of someone trying to understand her daughter, but instead co-opt her daughter's interests to make it all about herself instead of her daughter. It's not so much that it's "uncool" or "ruined", but that her mother isn't allowing her to find her own identity, trying to pull her back into defining herself in terms of her mother. And she doesn't want to be just her mother's add-on.
- lkdjjdjjjdskjd 8y ago
  We certainly don't know the full story, so I am not giving an absolute judgement. It was just a guess. I have to say that the mother is using her daughter for her articles is already a huge red flag to me. Especially since according to article, the mother is perfect and it is all the weirdness of her daughter that is to blame. On the other hand, of course, people have to be able to discuss their parenting issues, and it is important that there are also articles about that. I don't know a good solution for that problem.

richarddavid 8y ago

It is so sad that most spouse do not tend to be loyal now adays,it happened to me also, all i did to solve it was just to be smart, i contacted a DARK WEB officer DEEPWEBOFF1@PROTONMAIL.COM who could help me penetrate into my spouse phone and email, and also laptop and office computer and i got all i wanted, even found out he his already filing a divorce and was about handing me a letter. The darkweb officer helped me, you may need him too to get the truth you want to know, contact him on DEEPWEBOFF1@PROTONMAIL.COM he his good and i guarantee