6 ms·

Here's an interesting article: "Why is it hard to make friends over 30?" [1] "As external conditions change, it becomes tougher to meet the three conditions th

by wenc 8y ago

Here's an interesting article: "Why is it hard to make friends over 30?" [1] "As external conditions change, it becomes tougher to meet the three conditions that sociologists have considered crucial to making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other." [1] https://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?fbclid=IwAR2OOyMBHuRYlmoodgUP4IytWePx1Ky6SZag-zfxW3F9mk72S3_wLzH8P-g https://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-...

chiefalchemist 8y ago
I'd add a fourth...People being able to interact spontaneously and without fear. It's hard to strike up a micro-conversation. People either aren't able or aren't willing. Long to short, "friends"is two way street. And such things can't happen without communication.
- humanrebar 8y ago
  > It's hard to strike up a micro-conversation. This really varies a lot. In urban areas where few people are "from there", you'll find chatting with strangers happens less often. In small towns and neighborhoods full of locals, it happens a lot more.
humanrebar 8y ago
I make new friends of all ages all the time. At church. It does provide "proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other". And not by coincidence. One of the major goals of church is to help people form healthy and significant relationships (that is, friendships).
- BurningFrog 8y ago
  Yeah, as an atheist, the weekly unforced meetup you guys have is the one thing I do envy. I wonder how many of the churchgoers secretly have no real faith and are only there for the company...
  - grandmczeb 8y ago
    At least at my church growing up: a lot. Granted, the church I went to was as much a cultural institution as a religious one, but there were plenty of people who were pretty open about not believing if you directly asked them.
  - mirimir 8y ago
    You could go, as someone who's open to the possibility of spiritual enlightenment. And likes company. But if you really are an atheist, you'd probably be most comfortable with a Unitarian church. Or perhaps a Friends meeting.
  - Baeocystin 8y ago
    That's what congregations like the Unitarians are like. I go once a month to the local one, and I've been an atheist my entire life. I'd guess about half the people that there are, too, but no one really seems to mind one way or the other, as long as you're friendly and civil to everyone else. Mostly it's a discussion group, and I quite enjoy it.
    - raverbashing 8y ago
      The hard thing about (some) interest groups is that sometimes they have people "way out there" in political opinions, "different" view of the world (think the views that include the usage of aluminium headwear) or just maladjusted to normal living.
      - apatters 8y ago
        Why is this so hard, though? It might be a little tedious to sit through their ramblings, but it seems to me a sign of the times that this would be considered hard to do.
        raverbashing 8y ago
        Depending on the level, it is really detrimental to the experience. I mean I can take your average left/right winger rambling on, but depending on how far and away it goes it's really a no for me.
- tathougies 8y ago
  Same. It's great. Moreover, I meet people from all walks of life. I'm a software engineer, but my men's group has electricians, video editors, plumbers, therapists, etc. It's a mixed bag. I wonder how much of the issues we have with increasing social stratification are due to the fact that who you know is basically completely dependent on your job these days.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- cmrdporcupine 8y ago
  I grew up in a church and this is basically the only thing I miss. In fact it just makes me angry when I think back -- here we have a warm community in which that friendship and companionship are available only on the condition that you alter your cognition and beliefs to conform to a very precise code. Some serious strings-attached.
  - chrisseaton 8y ago
    You can get the same experience in a lot of collegiate environments. For example literally being in a college, being in a mess in the military, being in a sports team.
sali0 8y ago
I do Brazilian jiujitsu and I find it is great for making friends outside of college and work. There is something about exerting a lot of energy and aggression safely in a safe place against others that is able to forge some strong friendships. Highly recommend for everyone.

by wenc 8y ago

chiefalchemist 8y ago

I'd add a fourth...People being able to interact spontaneously and without fear. It's hard to strike up a micro-conversation. People either aren't able or aren't willing. Long to short, "friends"is two way street. And such things can't happen without communication.

humanrebar 8y ago
> It's hard to strike up a micro-conversation. This really varies a lot. In urban areas where few people are "from there", you'll find chatting with strangers happens less often. In small towns and neighborhoods full of locals, it happens a lot more.

humanrebar 8y ago

I make new friends of all ages all the time. At church. It does provide "proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other". And not by coincidence. One of the major goals of church is to help people form healthy and significant relationships (that is, friendships).

BurningFrog 8y ago
Yeah, as an atheist, the weekly unforced meetup you guys have is the one thing I do envy. I wonder how many of the churchgoers secretly have no real faith and are only there for the company...
- grandmczeb 8y ago
  At least at my church growing up: a lot. Granted, the church I went to was as much a cultural institution as a religious one, but there were plenty of people who were pretty open about not believing if you directly asked them.
- mirimir 8y ago
  You could go, as someone who's open to the possibility of spiritual enlightenment. And likes company. But if you really are an atheist, you'd probably be most comfortable with a Unitarian church. Or perhaps a Friends meeting.
- Baeocystin 8y ago
  That's what congregations like the Unitarians are like. I go once a month to the local one, and I've been an atheist my entire life. I'd guess about half the people that there are, too, but no one really seems to mind one way or the other, as long as you're friendly and civil to everyone else. Mostly it's a discussion group, and I quite enjoy it.
  - raverbashing 8y ago
    The hard thing about (some) interest groups is that sometimes they have people "way out there" in political opinions, "different" view of the world (think the views that include the usage of aluminium headwear) or just maladjusted to normal living.
    - apatters 8y ago
      Why is this so hard, though? It might be a little tedious to sit through their ramblings, but it seems to me a sign of the times that this would be considered hard to do.
      - raverbashing 8y ago
        Depending on the level, it is really detrimental to the experience. I mean I can take your average left/right winger rambling on, but depending on how far and away it goes it's really a no for me.
tathougies 8y ago
Same. It's great. Moreover, I meet people from all walks of life. I'm a software engineer, but my men's group has electricians, video editors, plumbers, therapists, etc. It's a mixed bag. I wonder how much of the issues we have with increasing social stratification are due to the fact that who you know is basically completely dependent on your job these days.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
cmrdporcupine 8y ago
I grew up in a church and this is basically the only thing I miss. In fact it just makes me angry when I think back -- here we have a warm community in which that friendship and companionship are available only on the condition that you alter your cognition and beliefs to conform to a very precise code. Some serious strings-attached.
- chrisseaton 8y ago
  You can get the same experience in a lot of collegiate environments. For example literally being in a college, being in a mess in the military, being in a sports team.

sali0 8y ago

I do Brazilian jiujitsu and I find it is great for making friends outside of college and work. There is something about exerting a lot of energy and aggression safely in a safe place against others that is able to forge some strong friendships. Highly recommend for everyone.