4 ms·

Sounds like Dirty Jobs' don't do what you love, love what you do https://youtube.com/watch?v=NT1i26RbrhM&t=8s https://youtube.com/watch?v=NT1i26RbrhM&t=8s I've

Sounds like Dirty Jobs' don't do what you love, love what you do https://youtube.com/watch?v=NT1i26RbrhM&t=8s https://youtube.com/watch?v=NT1i26RbrhM&t=8s I've heard that arranged marriages end up as loving relationships. If choosen as compatible and with no choice but to make it work... plausible. Or it could be that people put up with damaging situations.

pm90 8y ago
Arranged marriages are still marriages and come with the same issues. Couple of factors why they succeed often is: * compatibility is established by design * usually, its a union of families, which creates a wider social circle that helps out the newlywed couple through difficulties Personally, I believe that _any_ two people living together and sharing so much will inevitably end up loving/hating each other. You simply can't be indifferent to people who are in such close social contact with you for so long.
- graycat 8y ago
  Good that you mentioned the two families. And having 3-4 generations all right there is a big help. Also helping are having kids if only because it creates and orders the TODO list when a baby cries or a child needs food, shoes, etc. Also helping are well established ROLES. Both husband and wife already know in good terms what they are to do. Also helped was the village church and the weekly services emphasizing family formation. Also helped was village social pressure, at times really severe.
  - dbt00 8y ago
    There's also specific pressure creating cultural conformity; if you need to go to your mother in law when your husband is an asshole, you and your mother in law had better agree on what being an asshole is and how he should change. This creates a bias towards cultural stability but also limits unions involving social outsiders or non-traditional marriage partners.
- btilly 8y ago
  Another factor not to dismiss is that cultures with arranged marriages also generally allow husbands to beat their wives. Therefore the marriage "works out"...or else. Or put another way, you can find a standard by which the marriage worked out. But is it a relationship that the people involved would want to freely choose?
  - DiabloD3 8y ago
    I find that comment rather sexist. Wives are just as likely to beat their husbands so the marriage "works out or else", even in "those" cultures. Most of the world isn't Saudi Arabia.
    - solveit 8y ago
      Wives do beat their husbands, I'll grant you that. But I'm going to want to see one hell of an impressive citation before I believe that they are "just as likely to beat their husbands".
      - girvo 8y ago
        Not that I'm agreeing with the grandparent comment, but this is a pretty great paper discussing that. They're not just as likely to beat their husbands, but violence against children appears to be 50-50; family violence vs. intimate partner violence, basically. https://www.dvrcv.org.au/sites/default/files/Mens%20as%20victims%20of%20domestic%20violence%20%28full%20paper%29.pdf https://www.dvrcv.org.au/sites/default/files/Mens%20as%20vic...
        TheCoelacanth 8y ago
        That appears to be a study from Australia. Not exactly a country well known for arranged marriages.
    - watwut 8y ago
      Physical violence is more likely to be done by husband - by factor 10:1. Verbal abuse is less unequally distributed. The rates of both depend on a lot of factors like culture, employment rates of males, employment rates of women, etc.
dbt00 8y ago
Do you know people with arranged marriages? They work and I don't judge, but it's based on a very different cultural paradigm than what we're (mostly) used to the west; I certainly wouldn't call them happier than modern western marriages I'm familiar with. There's a lot more extended family negotiation when there are problems, rather than direct communication.
distant_hat 8y ago
The problem is that they are often prone to emotional abuse and occasionally physical abuse. The option to not leave means people (usually women) put up with a lot. E.g., here is an article https://www.thehindu.com/society/sum-of-her-parts-why-are-the-vast-majority-of-indian-organ-donors-women/article25271956.ece https://www.thehindu.com/society/sum-of-her-parts-why-are-th... on why organ donors in India are mostly women. Arranged marriages allow this kind of coercion to happen. There is a lot of other stuf why it doesn't work very well, if you expect to be equal partners.

pm90 8y ago

Arranged marriages are still marriages and come with the same issues. Couple of factors why they succeed often is: * compatibility is established by design * usually, its a union of families, which creates a wider social circle that helps out the newlywed couple through difficulties Personally, I believe that _any_ two people living together and sharing so much will inevitably end up loving/hating each other. You simply can't be indifferent to people who are in such close social contact with you for so long.

graycat 8y ago
Good that you mentioned the two families. And having 3-4 generations all right there is a big help. Also helping are having kids if only because it creates and orders the TODO list when a baby cries or a child needs food, shoes, etc. Also helping are well established ROLES. Both husband and wife already know in good terms what they are to do. Also helped was the village church and the weekly services emphasizing family formation. Also helped was village social pressure, at times really severe.
- dbt00 8y ago
  There's also specific pressure creating cultural conformity; if you need to go to your mother in law when your husband is an asshole, you and your mother in law had better agree on what being an asshole is and how he should change. This creates a bias towards cultural stability but also limits unions involving social outsiders or non-traditional marriage partners.
btilly 8y ago
Another factor not to dismiss is that cultures with arranged marriages also generally allow husbands to beat their wives. Therefore the marriage "works out"...or else. Or put another way, you can find a standard by which the marriage worked out. But is it a relationship that the people involved would want to freely choose?
- DiabloD3 8y ago
  I find that comment rather sexist. Wives are just as likely to beat their husbands so the marriage "works out or else", even in "those" cultures. Most of the world isn't Saudi Arabia.
  - solveit 8y ago
    Wives do beat their husbands, I'll grant you that. But I'm going to want to see one hell of an impressive citation before I believe that they are "just as likely to beat their husbands".
    - girvo 8y ago
      Not that I'm agreeing with the grandparent comment, but this is a pretty great paper discussing that. They're not just as likely to beat their husbands, but violence against children appears to be 50-50; family violence vs. intimate partner violence, basically. https://www.dvrcv.org.au/sites/default/files/Mens%20as%20victims%20of%20domestic%20violence%20%28full%20paper%29.pdf https://www.dvrcv.org.au/sites/default/files/Mens%20as%20vic...
      - TheCoelacanth 8y ago
        That appears to be a study from Australia. Not exactly a country well known for arranged marriages.
  - watwut 8y ago
    Physical violence is more likely to be done by husband - by factor 10:1. Verbal abuse is less unequally distributed. The rates of both depend on a lot of factors like culture, employment rates of males, employment rates of women, etc.

dbt00 8y ago

Do you know people with arranged marriages? They work and I don't judge, but it's based on a very different cultural paradigm than what we're (mostly) used to the west; I certainly wouldn't call them happier than modern western marriages I'm familiar with. There's a lot more extended family negotiation when there are problems, rather than direct communication.

distant_hat 8y ago

The problem is that they are often prone to emotional abuse and occasionally physical abuse. The option to not leave means people (usually women) put up with a lot. E.g., here is an article https://www.thehindu.com/society/sum-of-her-parts-why-are-the-vast-majority-of-indian-organ-donors-women/article25271956.ece https://www.thehindu.com/society/sum-of-her-parts-why-are-th... on why organ donors in India are mostly women. Arranged marriages allow this kind of coercion to happen. There is a lot of other stuf why it doesn't work very well, if you expect to be equal partners.