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> friendless Do you get out much? I was friendless for a year until I went to the local Linux Users group. Now, almost all my friends (except one old school fr

by wlll 8y ago

> friendless Do you get out much? I was friendless for a year until I went to the local Linux Users group. Now, almost all my friends (except one old school friend I re-connected with a year ago) are Ruby or Go user group people. I get to see them all twice a month, I invite some of them to my birthdays, we get beers after the meetups. If it weren't for these people I'd have no friends either. Oh, sure, no-one is going to get a girlfriend from attending these meetups, but it's a start. I now go climbing because of these people (one of the members has been doing it for ages), and the more things or groups you get involved with outside of tech the more exposure you have to candidates for a partner, or even just other friends.

ryanmercer 8y ago
>Do you get out much? I train at two gyms 4 days a week, aside from my coach saying hi to me and occasionally bye to me everyone talks to each other and I'm off to the side effectively invisible. I'm an SCAdian. Every few years I'll email the baron or baroness and the seneschal and say hey I'm going to come to fighter practice, haven't been around, could you introduce me to people. They do and without fail 5 minutes in I might as well be a dust bunny in the corner. Same at church. I go every weekend just to be around people. I don't particularly believe what they do, in fact I'm mostly team simulation hypothesis, but they are upbeat and cheery and friendly... yet again though I have a pew to myself, people will sit elsewhere even if it means in folding chairs. Without fail. Every single weekend. I'm a Freemason, Lodge was always the same too. The casual hi to me, then everyone breaking off into their little social circles. Without fail I can try and start a conversation, or insert myself into one, and I'll often get talked over which is an interesting thing as more oft than not I'm the largest person in a room. It even happens in team meetings at work, it's like I've a damn cloaking device or something. You know in office space when, I believe Milton, keeps being passed the cake and being told to keep passing it... yeah, that, although it's generally more like I'm invisible. I can walk into rooms in plain site and finally say something and startle people if I talk because they were oblivious to my presence. I get the same thing at social groups. Sometimes I wonder if people that have Cotard delusion think they're dead because they have a similar experience to me and their brain just interprets it as 'omg I must be dead'. I don't know if it's because I simply lack in-person social skills and people on some subconscious level dismiss me like they would a cat or dog or what. When someone does engage me though, and starts talking about something that interests me, I'll talk their damn ear off. I've had dates text me after the fact with shitty comments like I was so self obsessed and never once asked them any questions about themselves and I'm like, you brought up a topic and we had an ongoing DIALOGUE for 3 hours where we both said quite a bit... I don't know, I just don't get people I guess. I know there's other people like me out there. I mentioned one above, but for all intents and purposes they might as well be considered a god with the level of responsibility and impact they have and again they are a couple thousand miles away. Try as I might, I can't find someone like that here or even someone that actually has free time for actual proper chats. I suspect a lot of it comes down to I'm simply not interested in what many people are. I don't care about what the sports ball team did or what happened in such and such television program, I don't particularly care that your child got a ribbon at their intermural swim dance piano recital, if you need to vent about your relationship it's a wholly alien subject to me and I haven't a clue what you're on about or what to say, when you're reminiscing about college I'm just like yeahhh no clue. I care about the future of our species, what we're doing to our planet, how we're running out of time to save ourselves, the statistical hopelessness of finding evidence of another intelligent species in the firmament even if human civilization last a million years.
- wlll 8y ago
  > When someone does engage me though, and starts talking about something that interests me, I'll talk their damn ear off. I catch myself talking too much about stuff I'm interested in, it doesn't help. I have to rein myself in. Cut myself off, ask the other person a question. Also, I don't bring up computers or tech unless they did. Turns out it's a niche subject. > I've had dates text me after the fact with shitty comments like I was so self obsessed and never once asked them any questions about themselves and I'm like, you brought up a topic and we had an ongoing DIALOGUE for 3 hours where we both said quite a bit... Talking at great length about something you're interested in isn't fun for the other person, in general, even if they're interested in it too. Perhaps try this, ask them about what they like, then get them to talk about that. Ask followup questions. Remember the answers next time you see them as best you can. "There's this place that serves your favourite pizza, do you want to go there" or "Hey, isn't that dog one of your favourite breeds?", or "How did you get on at the climbing gym the other day"?? Google "How to talk to people". > I don't know, I just don't get people I guess. I'm 40, it took me practice to get to the point I did, and I still have to work at it. It has been rewarding so far. > I suspect a lot of it comes down to I'm simply not interested in what many people are. Yes, me neither. I have (self diagnosed) aspergers and/or ADHD. I have to make a game of social stuff, though not to the point that I'm treating people like toys or subjects. > I'm just like yeahhh no clue. I just ask questions. Just simple ones, not argueing, or even discussion. Just exploratory. Even if it's something I don't care about. "So, what was it like at your college", "If you had your time agian would you choose the same place", "Do you stay in contact with people from that time?" etc. It doesn't matter if you're not interested in the answers. YMMV, good luck.
- badpun 8y ago
  I suspect a good therapist could be a great help for you. As you said yourself, you don't understand why people react to you the way the do. The reason will probably be obvious to experienced therapist, and he/she will be able to create a plan for you to correct whatever's wrong.
- bpizzi 8y ago
  > I suspect a lot of it comes down to I'm simply not interested in what many people are. That could be starting point, imho.

by wlll 8y ago

ryanmercer 8y ago

>Do you get out much? I train at two gyms 4 days a week, aside from my coach saying hi to me and occasionally bye to me everyone talks to each other and I'm off to the side effectively invisible. I'm an SCAdian. Every few years I'll email the baron or baroness and the seneschal and say hey I'm going to come to fighter practice, haven't been around, could you introduce me to people. They do and without fail 5 minutes in I might as well be a dust bunny in the corner. Same at church. I go every weekend just to be around people. I don't particularly believe what they do, in fact I'm mostly team simulation hypothesis, but they are upbeat and cheery and friendly... yet again though I have a pew to myself, people will sit elsewhere even if it means in folding chairs. Without fail. Every single weekend. I'm a Freemason, Lodge was always the same too. The casual hi to me, then everyone breaking off into their little social circles. Without fail I can try and start a conversation, or insert myself into one, and I'll often get talked over which is an interesting thing as more oft than not I'm the largest person in a room. It even happens in team meetings at work, it's like I've a damn cloaking device or something. You know in office space when, I believe Milton, keeps being passed the cake and being told to keep passing it... yeah, that, although it's generally more like I'm invisible. I can walk into rooms in plain site and finally say something and startle people if I talk because they were oblivious to my presence. I get the same thing at social groups. Sometimes I wonder if people that have Cotard delusion think they're dead because they have a similar experience to me and their brain just interprets it as 'omg I must be dead'. I don't know if it's because I simply lack in-person social skills and people on some subconscious level dismiss me like they would a cat or dog or what. When someone does engage me though, and starts talking about something that interests me, I'll talk their damn ear off. I've had dates text me after the fact with shitty comments like I was so self obsessed and never once asked them any questions about themselves and I'm like, you brought up a topic and we had an ongoing DIALOGUE for 3 hours where we both said quite a bit... I don't know, I just don't get people I guess. I know there's other people like me out there. I mentioned one above, but for all intents and purposes they might as well be considered a god with the level of responsibility and impact they have and again they are a couple thousand miles away. Try as I might, I can't find someone like that here or even someone that actually has free time for actual proper chats. I suspect a lot of it comes down to I'm simply not interested in what many people are. I don't care about what the sports ball team did or what happened in such and such television program, I don't particularly care that your child got a ribbon at their intermural swim dance piano recital, if you need to vent about your relationship it's a wholly alien subject to me and I haven't a clue what you're on about or what to say, when you're reminiscing about college I'm just like yeahhh no clue. I care about the future of our species, what we're doing to our planet, how we're running out of time to save ourselves, the statistical hopelessness of finding evidence of another intelligent species in the firmament even if human civilization last a million years.

wlll 8y ago
> When someone does engage me though, and starts talking about something that interests me, I'll talk their damn ear off. I catch myself talking too much about stuff I'm interested in, it doesn't help. I have to rein myself in. Cut myself off, ask the other person a question. Also, I don't bring up computers or tech unless they did. Turns out it's a niche subject. > I've had dates text me after the fact with shitty comments like I was so self obsessed and never once asked them any questions about themselves and I'm like, you brought up a topic and we had an ongoing DIALOGUE for 3 hours where we both said quite a bit... Talking at great length about something you're interested in isn't fun for the other person, in general, even if they're interested in it too. Perhaps try this, ask them about what they like, then get them to talk about that. Ask followup questions. Remember the answers next time you see them as best you can. "There's this place that serves your favourite pizza, do you want to go there" or "Hey, isn't that dog one of your favourite breeds?", or "How did you get on at the climbing gym the other day"?? Google "How to talk to people". > I don't know, I just don't get people I guess. I'm 40, it took me practice to get to the point I did, and I still have to work at it. It has been rewarding so far. > I suspect a lot of it comes down to I'm simply not interested in what many people are. Yes, me neither. I have (self diagnosed) aspergers and/or ADHD. I have to make a game of social stuff, though not to the point that I'm treating people like toys or subjects. > I'm just like yeahhh no clue. I just ask questions. Just simple ones, not argueing, or even discussion. Just exploratory. Even if it's something I don't care about. "So, what was it like at your college", "If you had your time agian would you choose the same place", "Do you stay in contact with people from that time?" etc. It doesn't matter if you're not interested in the answers. YMMV, good luck.
badpun 8y ago
I suspect a good therapist could be a great help for you. As you said yourself, you don't understand why people react to you the way the do. The reason will probably be obvious to experienced therapist, and he/she will be able to create a plan for you to correct whatever's wrong.
bpizzi 8y ago
> I suspect a lot of it comes down to I'm simply not interested in what many people are. That could be starting point, imho.