4 ms·

>Remember this piece before you argue with someone that they should move away from their friends, family, their support systems for work or other development op

>Remember this piece before you argue with someone that they should move away from their friends, family, their support systems for work or other development opportunities. Blood is certainly thicker than water as they say, for good and for evil. I used to think exactly as you stated the above and I don't mean to suggest how rigid you are but my recent experience with family is that relationships must go both ways, and when your attempts at expressing yourself go unheard or ignored then perhaps cutting ties is the right approach.

toomuchtodo 8y ago
> I used to think exactly as you stated the above and I don't mean to suggest how rigid you are but my recent experience with family is that relationships must go both ways, and when your attempts at expressing yourself go unheard or ignored then perhaps cutting ties is the right approach. I would encourage you to use this as a growth opportunity. I had a similar situation occur with a close family member who died unexpectedly, and years later, my heart still hurts every day because of it. Take care of your self, but grow emotionally to put yourself out there when you can. I won't discount that cutting ties is appropriate under certain circumstances. For myself, it is a last resort. People are people, fallible to their core.
- castlecrasher2 8y ago
  I appreciate your reply, but starting a message with advice instead of understanding leaves me wondering if you're more interested in being an advice dispenser than understanding where I'm coming from and then giving advice. Forgive my reaction, my family is adept at that very thing: pretending to listen then dispensing the advice they think will fix you and your problems; I've now realized that empathy means simply listening actively, and generally the complainer will come to the correct conclusion on their own, they just need a willful listening ear. At least, I've never been genuinely convinced I was in the wrong unless someone first recognized my pains then gave advice or I noticed someone else's example. My entire life has constituted shame-based discipline, and not even the direct "you're stupid for doing x thing" but "she's your mother, she brought you into this world." Like, yeah, but that doesn't help me not be upset, and I may have even agreed at the time but the point is my emotions are high and ignoring my feelings leaves me subconsciously believing that my emotional being is wrong or unimportant. tl;dr I'm a big boy, I can get over it but understand me before giving advice
  - deleted 8y ago
    [deleted]
  - toomuchtodo 8y ago
    Assume positive intent on my part.
thex10 8y ago
This is a great point, though it's also why I had bought into the move away from your network for opportunity mentality for so long. Of course I'll leave my immediate family for opportunity - in my case, they're terrible people who posed a detriment to my future. On the other hand I never learned how to function as part of a community of people (family, friends, whatever), and am left feeling like I have no support system. Which is apparently super important, but I only realize that now at 30 instead of earlier. :(
77pt77 8y ago
> your attempts at expressing yourself go unheard or ignored then perhaps cutting ties is the right approach. Sometimes they are actively used against you. In that case the right course of action should even be clearer.
- castlecrasher2 8y ago
  >Sometimes they are actively used against you Absolutely. I've termed this emotional gaslighting, where I'm frustrated about something and bring it up and the family member I'm frustrated with deflects or points the finger right back at me as if they're the ones that were frustrated all along. This leaves me doubting my frustration as if my feelings weren't ever valid at all, which I suspect had a huge hand in my intense anxiety that I've fortunately largely overcome.

toomuchtodo 8y ago

> I used to think exactly as you stated the above and I don't mean to suggest how rigid you are but my recent experience with family is that relationships must go both ways, and when your attempts at expressing yourself go unheard or ignored then perhaps cutting ties is the right approach. I would encourage you to use this as a growth opportunity. I had a similar situation occur with a close family member who died unexpectedly, and years later, my heart still hurts every day because of it. Take care of your self, but grow emotionally to put yourself out there when you can. I won't discount that cutting ties is appropriate under certain circumstances. For myself, it is a last resort. People are people, fallible to their core.

castlecrasher2 8y ago
I appreciate your reply, but starting a message with advice instead of understanding leaves me wondering if you're more interested in being an advice dispenser than understanding where I'm coming from and then giving advice. Forgive my reaction, my family is adept at that very thing: pretending to listen then dispensing the advice they think will fix you and your problems; I've now realized that empathy means simply listening actively, and generally the complainer will come to the correct conclusion on their own, they just need a willful listening ear. At least, I've never been genuinely convinced I was in the wrong unless someone first recognized my pains then gave advice or I noticed someone else's example. My entire life has constituted shame-based discipline, and not even the direct "you're stupid for doing x thing" but "she's your mother, she brought you into this world." Like, yeah, but that doesn't help me not be upset, and I may have even agreed at the time but the point is my emotions are high and ignoring my feelings leaves me subconsciously believing that my emotional being is wrong or unimportant. tl;dr I'm a big boy, I can get over it but understand me before giving advice
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- toomuchtodo 8y ago
  Assume positive intent on my part.

thex10 8y ago

This is a great point, though it's also why I had bought into the move away from your network for opportunity mentality for so long. Of course I'll leave my immediate family for opportunity - in my case, they're terrible people who posed a detriment to my future. On the other hand I never learned how to function as part of a community of people (family, friends, whatever), and am left feeling like I have no support system. Which is apparently super important, but I only realize that now at 30 instead of earlier. :(

77pt77 8y ago

> your attempts at expressing yourself go unheard or ignored then perhaps cutting ties is the right approach. Sometimes they are actively used against you. In that case the right course of action should even be clearer.

castlecrasher2 8y ago
>Sometimes they are actively used against you Absolutely. I've termed this emotional gaslighting, where I'm frustrated about something and bring it up and the family member I'm frustrated with deflects or points the finger right back at me as if they're the ones that were frustrated all along. This leaves me doubting my frustration as if my feelings weren't ever valid at all, which I suspect had a huge hand in my intense anxiety that I've fortunately largely overcome.