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Loneliness is usually presented as a matching or communication problem: if only all the lonely people could find each other, and had the social skills to initia

Loneliness is usually presented as a matching or communication problem: if only all the lonely people could find each other, and had the social skills to initiate contact, all would be well. But what if it’s deeper than that? Could we be losing the life/personality traits that make people interested in us? Overstimulated by other sources so that friendships with ordinary people are not interesting uses of time? For example, just because you yourself are overweight, does not mean you will be attracted to other overweight people. So we should expect a decline in sexual relationships as the prevalence of obesity rises.

ThrowMeDown01 8y ago
> if only all the lonely people could find each other, and had the social skills to initiate contact, all would be well. I'd say I have very good social skills, never have a problem getting to know people when I take the time. The problem is I'm simultaneously a bit lonely (not a desperation level though) - but also not interested (in meeting people). It's really weird. Note that the "not interested" does not come from a(ny) level of depression, there is none (I know because I used to have a noticeable level of it many years ago, so I know how it feels to be incapacitated by even a small bit of that affliction). I just don't find most people interesting enough. That's not a "looking down" kind of feeling, but merely a mismatch. A big part of it is the way we all live our lives though, I think. I want (a larger) community and cannot find or even see it, no so much "the one" friendship, or even "just friends". Having superficial talks now and then just isn't enough for me, I'm looking for a larger purpose.
- akvadrako 8y ago
  I have less than average social skills but I mostly feel the same way, so for me socialization is even less worth it. What I trying to make happen is to build a community of people with similar goals and world views, so we can have productive conversations about interesting ideas and actually produce something I care about.
- csunbird 8y ago
  I think you are just a guy who is at wrong place, at wrong time. Maybe you should try changing your circle of friends and meet different people, that can instantly change your mood. For example, at the place that I'm working, I felt the same way, then I found a nerdy group of people playing DnD. Instantly I felt better and I have people that I can call friends that I can just hang out with. My 2 cents :)
sacado2 8y ago
> So we should expect a decline in sexual relationships as the prevalence of obesity rises. I don't have the numbers at hand, but AFAIK it's the case. People on average have less and less sexual relations, despite the so-called "hookup culture". Not sure it's a causality link, though.
arandr0x 8y ago
Currently, I have a friend (and in addition family & romantic relationships, a small number, maybe a total of 5 people I really care about). These "inner circle" relationships are the best use of my time I have ever found. However I have basically no interest in the "get to know you" small talk people engage in at parties or hobby groups. I don't like pretending or seeing other people pretend, so I never manage to actually make friends the normal way. All my platonic friends have come to me during a time of crisis where they were somewhat vulnerable and I was somewhat restless and it causes a sort of break where all kinds of things not normally allowed by polite society become possible, and that makes them interesting to me and they become my friend. (This is not a problem with family relationships because all families have dysfunction, and it's not a problem with romantic relationships because sex is great at generating intimacy and letting people off their masks.) Is there a way to meet people (that doesn't involve sex, drugs or joining the army) where you can find out essential things about what they fear, want, etc in 1-5 encounters or do you have to put up with months of pointless lying if you want friends?
- minkzilla 8y ago
  You are doing small talk wrong if you are lying. Also why not just be blunt with things you want to know about people? It will put off a lot of people. But what is the point of lying ? I made one of my best friends by asking him about gender roles and Catholicism the second time I ever met him, when I found out he was Catholic.

ThrowMeDown01 8y ago

> if only all the lonely people could find each other, and had the social skills to initiate contact, all would be well. I'd say I have very good social skills, never have a problem getting to know people when I take the time. The problem is I'm simultaneously a bit lonely (not a desperation level though) - but also not interested (in meeting people). It's really weird. Note that the "not interested" does not come from a(ny) level of depression, there is none (I know because I used to have a noticeable level of it many years ago, so I know how it feels to be incapacitated by even a small bit of that affliction). I just don't find most people interesting enough. That's not a "looking down" kind of feeling, but merely a mismatch. A big part of it is the way we all live our lives though, I think. I want (a larger) community and cannot find or even see it, no so much "the one" friendship, or even "just friends". Having superficial talks now and then just isn't enough for me, I'm looking for a larger purpose.

akvadrako 8y ago
I have less than average social skills but I mostly feel the same way, so for me socialization is even less worth it. What I trying to make happen is to build a community of people with similar goals and world views, so we can have productive conversations about interesting ideas and actually produce something I care about.
csunbird 8y ago
I think you are just a guy who is at wrong place, at wrong time. Maybe you should try changing your circle of friends and meet different people, that can instantly change your mood. For example, at the place that I'm working, I felt the same way, then I found a nerdy group of people playing DnD. Instantly I felt better and I have people that I can call friends that I can just hang out with. My 2 cents :)

sacado2 8y ago

> So we should expect a decline in sexual relationships as the prevalence of obesity rises. I don't have the numbers at hand, but AFAIK it's the case. People on average have less and less sexual relations, despite the so-called "hookup culture". Not sure it's a causality link, though.

arandr0x 8y ago

Currently, I have a friend (and in addition family & romantic relationships, a small number, maybe a total of 5 people I really care about). These "inner circle" relationships are the best use of my time I have ever found. However I have basically no interest in the "get to know you" small talk people engage in at parties or hobby groups. I don't like pretending or seeing other people pretend, so I never manage to actually make friends the normal way. All my platonic friends have come to me during a time of crisis where they were somewhat vulnerable and I was somewhat restless and it causes a sort of break where all kinds of things not normally allowed by polite society become possible, and that makes them interesting to me and they become my friend. (This is not a problem with family relationships because all families have dysfunction, and it's not a problem with romantic relationships because sex is great at generating intimacy and letting people off their masks.) Is there a way to meet people (that doesn't involve sex, drugs or joining the army) where you can find out essential things about what they fear, want, etc in 1-5 encounters or do you have to put up with months of pointless lying if you want friends?

minkzilla 8y ago
You are doing small talk wrong if you are lying. Also why not just be blunt with things you want to know about people? It will put off a lot of people. But what is the point of lying ? I made one of my best friends by asking him about gender roles and Catholicism the second time I ever met him, when I found out he was Catholic.