4 ms·

how do you know these memories are real?

by gameswithgo 8y ago

boomboomsubban 8y ago
Does it matter? Presumably the memories were troubling and addressing them helped their wellbeing.
- S-E-P 8y ago
  Oh it does. I've met people who thought dead relatives came back to punish them. That's a bit far.
  - boomboomsubban 8y ago
    If they dealt with that fake memory and left better, I still don't see why it mattered. Though, those sound more like hallucinations or delusions than a false memory.
    - S-E-P 8y ago
      In the short term it's not very damaging, but it will cripple them later in life as false memories can very well damage a persons reputation. If you go out to dinner with some lovely individual who believes their dead great aunt talked to them on one or more occasions, would you really go out with that person a second time?
      - boomboomsubban 8y ago
        People have all sorts of crazy sounding stories, partially because so many of our memories are fake, and it doesn't cause huge issues. And if they can't realize that their problems were impacting their memories I doubt they're truly over them.
mindgam3 8y ago
Because I was able to cross check them with legal filings made during my parents’ divorce proceedings. I have also obtained documentation of similar instances of abuse in previous generations on both sides of my family. So at some point the whole “your memories aren’t real” attack starts to fall apart and ultimately be revealed as more gaslighting. I encourage you to use more caution the next time you question an abuse survivor.
- S-E-P 8y ago
  That's a bit of a misstep my dude. >I encourage you to use more caution the next time you question an abuse survivor. Is not a great response, but I understand where you are coming from. That is a perfectly reasonable question to ask, and as long as you don't attribute malice to the writer, it should not illicit any negative response. A little context, I've dealt with abuse growing up (not from family, externally) and gas lighting, so I understand the response. But they weren't attacking you, just asking how you knew. I had to ask myself for years if what I remembered was actually real and I was able to confirm it. It's not an attack, it's an inquiry.
  - mindgam3 8y ago
    I appreciate the context. Didn’t realize we were already at “my dude” level, my good sir. Note that I was careful myself not to attribute malice to your question. But I do stand by my original request to push you on your “trauma etiquette”, for my own sake and for all the other trauma survivors who are much less comfortable speaking about what happened. If you have experienced abuse and gaslighting then you must know that the typical response when speaking out is more gaslighting. For this reason, actual trauma survivors (as opposed to people playing victim) tend to be hyper vigilant. When speaking to a fellow trauma survivor, you must know that this is one of the issues that will come up, and if you are going to ask an innocent sounding question that could also be easily construed as skeptical as opposed to curious, it behooves you to add an extra word or two to make your intent clear. Literally a phrase like “not saying I don’t believe you, I’m genuinely curious” is enough to differentiate between a good faith question and more abuse.

how do you know these memories are real?

boomboomsubban 8y ago

Does it matter? Presumably the memories were troubling and addressing them helped their wellbeing.

S-E-P 8y ago
Oh it does. I've met people who thought dead relatives came back to punish them. That's a bit far.
- boomboomsubban 8y ago
  If they dealt with that fake memory and left better, I still don't see why it mattered. Though, those sound more like hallucinations or delusions than a false memory.
  - S-E-P 8y ago
    In the short term it's not very damaging, but it will cripple them later in life as false memories can very well damage a persons reputation. If you go out to dinner with some lovely individual who believes their dead great aunt talked to them on one or more occasions, would you really go out with that person a second time?
    - boomboomsubban 8y ago
      People have all sorts of crazy sounding stories, partially because so many of our memories are fake, and it doesn't cause huge issues. And if they can't realize that their problems were impacting their memories I doubt they're truly over them.

mindgam3 8y ago

Because I was able to cross check them with legal filings made during my parents’ divorce proceedings. I have also obtained documentation of similar instances of abuse in previous generations on both sides of my family. So at some point the whole “your memories aren’t real” attack starts to fall apart and ultimately be revealed as more gaslighting. I encourage you to use more caution the next time you question an abuse survivor.

S-E-P 8y ago
That's a bit of a misstep my dude. >I encourage you to use more caution the next time you question an abuse survivor. Is not a great response, but I understand where you are coming from. That is a perfectly reasonable question to ask, and as long as you don't attribute malice to the writer, it should not illicit any negative response. A little context, I've dealt with abuse growing up (not from family, externally) and gas lighting, so I understand the response. But they weren't attacking you, just asking how you knew. I had to ask myself for years if what I remembered was actually real and I was able to confirm it. It's not an attack, it's an inquiry.
- mindgam3 8y ago
  I appreciate the context. Didn’t realize we were already at “my dude” level, my good sir. Note that I was careful myself not to attribute malice to your question. But I do stand by my original request to push you on your “trauma etiquette”, for my own sake and for all the other trauma survivors who are much less comfortable speaking about what happened. If you have experienced abuse and gaslighting then you must know that the typical response when speaking out is more gaslighting. For this reason, actual trauma survivors (as opposed to people playing victim) tend to be hyper vigilant. When speaking to a fellow trauma survivor, you must know that this is one of the issues that will come up, and if you are going to ask an innocent sounding question that could also be easily construed as skeptical as opposed to curious, it behooves you to add an extra word or two to make your intent clear. Literally a phrase like “not saying I don’t believe you, I’m genuinely curious” is enough to differentiate between a good faith question and more abuse.