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> you are just one of the hundreds who've messaged her. Actually, I found it to be completely the opposite. Most of the guys messaging the girls either (sorted

by strlen 16y ago

> you are just one of the hundreds who've messaged her. Actually, I found it to be completely the opposite. Most of the guys messaging the girls either (sorted by frequency): 1) Send a picture of their privates 2) Send something incoherent e.g., "GURL UR SO HOT" 3) Send a long, creepy essay 4) Have zero compatibility with her, haven't read her profile (past the picture), etc... and are sending something generic. So if you actually read their profile and send intelligent messages selectively, you'll get responses.

steveklabnik 16y ago
Having talked to quite a few girls with OKC accounts, and having seen their inboxes, this is surprisingly true. I didn't believe it until I saw it, but this is pretty much all of the major archetypes.
jamesteow 16y ago
"So if you actually read their profile and send intelligent messages selectively, you'll get responses." In a dream world. I've done that on OKC and have gotten zero responses.
- strlen 16y ago
  Have you considered that it's your problem, not the site's? Worked very well for me.
  - jamesteow 16y ago
    Yeah, you're right, it is about me. But what do you want me to say? That it works for everyone? A lot of my good friends are photographers so most of my portraits are taken from them. Thus, I think my photos are well executed compared to self portraits taken via mirrors/cellphones. My profile is pretty genuine. I don't aim to be pretentious or egotistical. When I contact people, I usually start up with something that's related to their profile or something that's in common as to help talk about something interesting. Thus, no disrespectful pick-up lines or gratuitous photos. Contacted about... 21 people over six months (people of different levels of attractiveness)? Received like... 1 reply. So, congratulations on the site working very well for you. Really. But, not everyone has such fortunate results despite doing things that are civil and respectful. So when people say, "so if you actually read their profile and send intelligent messages selectively, you'll get responses" well I can say it doesn't always work.
    - FooBarWidget 16y ago
      Maybe 1 reply in 25 is normal for most people.
      - whimsy 16y ago
        It isn't according to OkCupid's exposed stats. Average reply rate to messages sent by males is between 1/3 and 1/4 (varying by age). If you hunt through the OkCupid blog archive, you can find the relevant stats. (I think they were released this year.)
        jamesteow 16y ago
        Ah. The truth hurts.
        whimsy 16y ago
        http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/ http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dati... is the relevant post, I think. It looks like I was wrong about it varying by age. (Maybe that was another post, though.) http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/ http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exact... may be relevant to your interests as well.
- desigooner 16y ago
  I have heard back from at least 5 girls on OKC and gone out with 3 of them at various points in the past year .. again, i might have messaged like 20 odd to get those 5 to responsed but it wasn't a cut-paste job ..
anonokcuser 16y ago
(anon male user) In a fit of experimentation, I created a female profile using a random photo from flickr (sorry, whoever you were). As a female user you get a LOT of messages - no private parts yet, but most of the male messages are exactly as the parent post describes: pretty dumb, explicit and anonymous/generic. It's reassuring for me. I know that I stand out from this crowd.
- strlen 16y ago
  It's quite amazing in the offline world too: just how much unwaranted (and usually creepy) attention women (all women, not just the attractive women) receive on a daily basis (on the street, at the gym, at work). On the other hand, it's also amazing how much rejection men receive every day: I wonder if the latter is one explanation of entrepreneurship being more attractive to men that it is to women. I am not sure it's a reason to be reassured. You're standing out from "population of men actively looking for a mate online", not from "population of men in general". It's not all that different from the programming job interview situation. Amongst candidates that are actively on the market, there's a percentage that are _always_ on the market because they are either horrible or have unrealistic expectations.

by strlen 16y ago

steveklabnik 16y ago

Having talked to quite a few girls with OKC accounts, and having seen their inboxes, this is surprisingly true. I didn't believe it until I saw it, but this is pretty much all of the major archetypes.

jamesteow 16y ago

"So if you actually read their profile and send intelligent messages selectively, you'll get responses." In a dream world. I've done that on OKC and have gotten zero responses.

strlen 16y ago
Have you considered that it's your problem, not the site's? Worked very well for me.
- jamesteow 16y ago
  Yeah, you're right, it is about me. But what do you want me to say? That it works for everyone? A lot of my good friends are photographers so most of my portraits are taken from them. Thus, I think my photos are well executed compared to self portraits taken via mirrors/cellphones. My profile is pretty genuine. I don't aim to be pretentious or egotistical. When I contact people, I usually start up with something that's related to their profile or something that's in common as to help talk about something interesting. Thus, no disrespectful pick-up lines or gratuitous photos. Contacted about... 21 people over six months (people of different levels of attractiveness)? Received like... 1 reply. So, congratulations on the site working very well for you. Really. But, not everyone has such fortunate results despite doing things that are civil and respectful. So when people say, "so if you actually read their profile and send intelligent messages selectively, you'll get responses" well I can say it doesn't always work.
  - FooBarWidget 16y ago
    Maybe 1 reply in 25 is normal for most people.
    - whimsy 16y ago
      It isn't according to OkCupid's exposed stats. Average reply rate to messages sent by males is between 1/3 and 1/4 (varying by age). If you hunt through the OkCupid blog archive, you can find the relevant stats. (I think they were released this year.)
      - jamesteow 16y ago
        Ah. The truth hurts.
        whimsy 16y ago
        http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/ http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dati... is the relevant post, I think. It looks like I was wrong about it varying by age. (Maybe that was another post, though.) http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/ http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exact... may be relevant to your interests as well.
desigooner 16y ago
I have heard back from at least 5 girls on OKC and gone out with 3 of them at various points in the past year .. again, i might have messaged like 20 odd to get those 5 to responsed but it wasn't a cut-paste job ..

anonokcuser 16y ago

(anon male user) In a fit of experimentation, I created a female profile using a random photo from flickr (sorry, whoever you were). As a female user you get a LOT of messages - no private parts yet, but most of the male messages are exactly as the parent post describes: pretty dumb, explicit and anonymous/generic. It's reassuring for me. I know that I stand out from this crowd.

strlen 16y ago
It's quite amazing in the offline world too: just how much unwaranted (and usually creepy) attention women (all women, not just the attractive women) receive on a daily basis (on the street, at the gym, at work). On the other hand, it's also amazing how much rejection men receive every day: I wonder if the latter is one explanation of entrepreneurship being more attractive to men that it is to women. I am not sure it's a reason to be reassured. You're standing out from "population of men actively looking for a mate online", not from "population of men in general". It's not all that different from the programming job interview situation. Amongst candidates that are actively on the market, there's a percentage that are _always_ on the market because they are either horrible or have unrealistic expectations.