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You are doing it wrong. The way to do it is to let them come to you. I've never initiated any conversation on OKCupid and I've been on dates with about 50 wome

You are doing it wrong. The way to do it is to let them come to you. I've never initiated any conversation on OKCupid and I've been on dates with about 50 women from that site. They have always contacted me first. In mid september of this year I had 15 different women contact me in one week, resulting in 10 dates, which was the record. The key is to just have a few decent photos and be funny. It's very surprising how most people can't even be bothered to get a decent photo of themselves, or figure out anything clever to say in their profile. Also, NYC has proven to be 5 times better than SF in terms of both quantity and quality. More dates and cool women with interesting jobs, etc. SF women are generally easier and put out on the first date, but are also much crazier. If at all possible, don't let them know your phone number. Make sure you can easily get a prescription for antibiotics.

keefe 16y ago
I think you're both doing it wrong. Women tend to approach men less than the reverse, I presume that if you approached more then you'd end up with higher values in the qualities you care about. It's also only important to note you are not just "competing" with the other guys she saw this week, but the whole online/offline pool of available males attractive females invariably have. It's about leveraging the speed of the internet to find another human being that is ACTUALLY a good match, so one would expect to beat out other people to get to a 1 in 100 match. > SF women are generally easier and put out on the first date, but are also much crazier... wow at this whole set of sentences... I rarely care but this kind of misogynistic, antiquated nonsense is mildly offensive even to me. I personally try not to treat other human beings like disposable hump dolls and look for some kind of a real connection, but maybe I'm just some kind of crazy hippie. To avoid the apparent but incorrect inference, I am not into monogamy now either.
- maxawaytoolong 16y ago
  I wasn't the one looking for the "disposable hump doll." I've never even initiated a contact. The women who contacted me were just looking for sex. This happened far more often in SF. In NYC some are looking for that, but more seem to be actually looking for a husband, or a long term boyfriend. I put the crazy and antibiotics lines in there because I really did get the clap, and really did have to change my phone number.
  - keefe 16y ago
    the point was that describing women in the manner of the last 3 sentences signals such a world view. Also, there's nothing wrong with casual sex, it's pretty awesome... so like, you had these bad experiences after just letting the stereotypically passive sex chase you, maybe use a bit more selection and go after the really interesting ones and you'll have better experience I mean if you put yourself in list for casual sex then yeah, you need to be super careful about the people that contact you because typically attractive sexually liberated females get enough attention they don't have to pursue males
- tieTYT 16y ago
  > Women tend to approach men less than the reverse Yeah, that's true. I've talked to girls on the site that didn't even know it had a search. How do they think they get all those messages? It's bizarre.
mithaler 16y ago
I agree that it's better when women send first messages. This dating site startup is trying to take advantage of that by not allowing men to send initial messages: http://www.herway.com http://www.herway.com
- mxavier 16y ago
  I wonder how this dynamic plays out for homosexual relationships.
FooBarWidget 16y ago
I think that only works if your looks are above average. I once used a photo of an actor on my profile just to see the effect. That raised quite some responses without me doing anything. Then I replaced my photo with a real one (my best one back then) and the number of responses instantly dropped tenfold.
- maxawaytoolong 16y ago
  I don't think I'm ugly but not particularly attractive, either. However, your post is interesting because I apparently do look very similar to a certain B-list celebrity. That is what most women open with. "Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like X..."
  - aaronbrethorst 16y ago
    I really hope they don't end that sentence with "Steve Buscemi." Also, my understanding is that using two condoms increases risk of breakage.
Robin_Message 16y ago
If by > put out on the first date [...] Make sure you can easily get a prescription for antibiotics. you mean "don't bother practising safe sex", then are you nuts or am I missing something? Some STIs are for life and antibiotics aren't gonna cut it.
- maxawaytoolong 16y ago
  Yeah. Paradoxically, I've found if someone makes a point to say they are clean and not to worry about it that's the most important time to wrap it up, maybe twice. I'm sure there's at least one rap lyric about this.
  - swolchok 16y ago
    Despite the possibility of getting trolled: using two condoms increases the risk of failure vs. using one. Don't do it.

keefe 16y ago

I think you're both doing it wrong. Women tend to approach men less than the reverse, I presume that if you approached more then you'd end up with higher values in the qualities you care about. It's also only important to note you are not just "competing" with the other guys she saw this week, but the whole online/offline pool of available males attractive females invariably have. It's about leveraging the speed of the internet to find another human being that is ACTUALLY a good match, so one would expect to beat out other people to get to a 1 in 100 match. > SF women are generally easier and put out on the first date, but are also much crazier... wow at this whole set of sentences... I rarely care but this kind of misogynistic, antiquated nonsense is mildly offensive even to me. I personally try not to treat other human beings like disposable hump dolls and look for some kind of a real connection, but maybe I'm just some kind of crazy hippie. To avoid the apparent but incorrect inference, I am not into monogamy now either.

maxawaytoolong 16y ago
I wasn't the one looking for the "disposable hump doll." I've never even initiated a contact. The women who contacted me were just looking for sex. This happened far more often in SF. In NYC some are looking for that, but more seem to be actually looking for a husband, or a long term boyfriend. I put the crazy and antibiotics lines in there because I really did get the clap, and really did have to change my phone number.
- keefe 16y ago
  the point was that describing women in the manner of the last 3 sentences signals such a world view. Also, there's nothing wrong with casual sex, it's pretty awesome... so like, you had these bad experiences after just letting the stereotypically passive sex chase you, maybe use a bit more selection and go after the really interesting ones and you'll have better experience I mean if you put yourself in list for casual sex then yeah, you need to be super careful about the people that contact you because typically attractive sexually liberated females get enough attention they don't have to pursue males
tieTYT 16y ago
> Women tend to approach men less than the reverse Yeah, that's true. I've talked to girls on the site that didn't even know it had a search. How do they think they get all those messages? It's bizarre.

mithaler 16y ago

I agree that it's better when women send first messages. This dating site startup is trying to take advantage of that by not allowing men to send initial messages: http://www.herway.com http://www.herway.com

mxavier 16y ago
I wonder how this dynamic plays out for homosexual relationships.

FooBarWidget 16y ago

I think that only works if your looks are above average. I once used a photo of an actor on my profile just to see the effect. That raised quite some responses without me doing anything. Then I replaced my photo with a real one (my best one back then) and the number of responses instantly dropped tenfold.

maxawaytoolong 16y ago
I don't think I'm ugly but not particularly attractive, either. However, your post is interesting because I apparently do look very similar to a certain B-list celebrity. That is what most women open with. "Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like X..."
- aaronbrethorst 16y ago
  I really hope they don't end that sentence with "Steve Buscemi." Also, my understanding is that using two condoms increases risk of breakage.

Robin_Message 16y ago

If by > put out on the first date [...] Make sure you can easily get a prescription for antibiotics. you mean "don't bother practising safe sex", then are you nuts or am I missing something? Some STIs are for life and antibiotics aren't gonna cut it.

maxawaytoolong 16y ago
Yeah. Paradoxically, I've found if someone makes a point to say they are clean and not to worry about it that's the most important time to wrap it up, maybe twice. I'm sure there's at least one rap lyric about this.
- swolchok 16y ago
  Despite the possibility of getting trolled: using two condoms increases the risk of failure vs. using one. Don't do it.