4 ms·

How you make friends post 30? I'm struggling with this. Specially in places like the Bay Area where people are really closed off to each other.

winchling 8y ago
My theory is that bonds between people arise out of shared suffering/challenges. Thus lifelong friends were often at school together, or in the army, or somewhere else unpleasant, or at least occasionally so. There's reduced scope for this after the age of 30, obviously, unless you take up a dangerous sport or something else risky.
- tokyodude 8y ago
  this imo is actually an unindented consequence of crunch in video game dev. I hate the crunch but love the friends I made. yes I know you can make friend without crunch and I don't want to subject people to it but I have bonding memories of going out for breakfast after working all night
- ehnto 8y ago
  Mountain biking has had an uptick in popularity for all ages it seems.
- fjsolwmv 8y ago
  Not just your theory, that's textbook human psychology. That's why "hazing" exists.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
dawhizkid 8y ago
If you think Bay Area is closed off never move to Seattle.
shodan666 8y ago
1. Go out whenever you can. For example free dancing lessons, yoga, IT conferences etc. 2. Try to rent some room and live with some students :) Super easy to make some friends that way. 3. Find people who have similar hobbies. If you don't have any hobby (programming doesn't count in real life) - then find some. Super easy to get some female friends if you gonna get into tailoring etc.
- lisper 8y ago
  Meetup is a great source of leads.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
Fauntleroy 8y ago
Join organizations that you find fun, interesting, or meaningful. Over time you should be able to form friendships with like minded people, provided you are friendly enough.
- qnsi 8y ago
  What are examples of such organizations?
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
russellbeattie 8y ago
To make a friend, you have to be a friend. Pick up the phone and suggest an activity to someone you know casually. They'll all say 'no' because everyone is busy and no one past 30 likes to take a chance of dealing with another person in their life, especially if they already have a family or an already busy social life. So you have to try it again, and again. Note: I don't do this. I have basically just one friend, and only because he does the above. I blow him off constantly, and yet every month or so I get at least one text inviting me over to a barbecue or golf or a movie. I don't think I'm particularly special to him, he just makes a habit of being social. Personally, I can't stand the idea of putting myself out there like that. If I invite someone to do something once, and they say no, I'll never try again - and maybe I'll avoid them completely from that point on because I'm like that. My fragile little ego apparently can't deal with rejection. Yes, I hate being alone, but since I know what I need to do to change things but refuse to do what's required, I just have to accept loneliness as part of life. So, you have two choices: Change what you're doing and put yourself out there, or accept your lot in life. (Option 3, I guess, is to find a spouse who's super social and will get you off your ass. I suspect that's how a majority of men my age get by.) This just saved you thousands of dollars in therapist visits. You're welcome.
- mjevans 8y ago
  I have a __lot__ of trouble reading others. IF someone asks (that I know in meat-space) I can articulate things I'm interested in (In more detail than: food, social viewing of media / culture exchange, maybe light board games; in that order of priority). If I offer something a couple of times and No is always the answer, the message I receive is: I am not important to them. If I'm also not offered things that I would reasonably enjoy doing or trying occasionally, the message I receive is: I am not important to them. The message I've found most of my adult life: I am not important. (To anyone, except work, and they'd like me on their terms not mine.)
  - xapata 8y ago
    Why would you be important? More to the point, why does someone have to be important to be invited? I don't know many people in the city I moved to this year. Everyone I meet who is mildly interesting, I get their email and start inviting them to events and parties. Not many people respond and fewer reciprocate, but I'm planning to live here a while. If it takes me 10 years to make 10 good friends, all that effort will be worthwhile.
Carpetsmoker 8y ago
- Go to meetup.com events; most areas have some. - Check out Facebook events. - Some areas have couchsurfing events (hosting people on CF is also fun, but usually people move on after a few days at the most, although there are exceptions; I've hosted people looking to move in to my city). - Volunteer somewhere (for example I volunteered at the local beerfest this week). - Work in a coworking space or coffeeshop every once in a while if your job allows it. - Dating apps are frustrating and annoying for a host of reasons, but they do work to meet people. I met a few (platonic) friends like that. Basically, go where people are. A lot of the other people are also there to just meet people, so it all matches up. I moved to New Zealand last month; and I lived in the UK for two years before that. In both cases; I didn't really know anyone there. This worked fairly well for me (I'm 33). British people aren't exactly known for being open, so a lot of my friends were/are expats like me. Also don't be afraid to talk to people, or ask people if they want to do something if you're interested. I naturally tend (or rather, tended) to be somewhat socially anxious, but a lot of that has been better since I have been "forced" to go out and meet folk. Turns out, most of the time those kind of things are received positively.

winchling 8y ago

My theory is that bonds between people arise out of shared suffering/challenges. Thus lifelong friends were often at school together, or in the army, or somewhere else unpleasant, or at least occasionally so. There's reduced scope for this after the age of 30, obviously, unless you take up a dangerous sport or something else risky.

tokyodude 8y ago
this imo is actually an unindented consequence of crunch in video game dev. I hate the crunch but love the friends I made. yes I know you can make friend without crunch and I don't want to subject people to it but I have bonding memories of going out for breakfast after working all night
ehnto 8y ago
Mountain biking has had an uptick in popularity for all ages it seems.
fjsolwmv 8y ago
Not just your theory, that's textbook human psychology. That's why "hazing" exists.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]

dawhizkid 8y ago

If you think Bay Area is closed off never move to Seattle.

shodan666 8y ago

1. Go out whenever you can. For example free dancing lessons, yoga, IT conferences etc. 2. Try to rent some room and live with some students :) Super easy to make some friends that way. 3. Find people who have similar hobbies. If you don't have any hobby (programming doesn't count in real life) - then find some. Super easy to get some female friends if you gonna get into tailoring etc.

lisper 8y ago
Meetup is a great source of leads.

deleted 8y ago

[deleted]

Fauntleroy 8y ago

Join organizations that you find fun, interesting, or meaningful. Over time you should be able to form friendships with like minded people, provided you are friendly enough.

qnsi 8y ago
What are examples of such organizations?

deleted 8y ago

[deleted]

russellbeattie 8y ago

To make a friend, you have to be a friend. Pick up the phone and suggest an activity to someone you know casually. They'll all say 'no' because everyone is busy and no one past 30 likes to take a chance of dealing with another person in their life, especially if they already have a family or an already busy social life. So you have to try it again, and again. Note: I don't do this. I have basically just one friend, and only because he does the above. I blow him off constantly, and yet every month or so I get at least one text inviting me over to a barbecue or golf or a movie. I don't think I'm particularly special to him, he just makes a habit of being social. Personally, I can't stand the idea of putting myself out there like that. If I invite someone to do something once, and they say no, I'll never try again - and maybe I'll avoid them completely from that point on because I'm like that. My fragile little ego apparently can't deal with rejection. Yes, I hate being alone, but since I know what I need to do to change things but refuse to do what's required, I just have to accept loneliness as part of life. So, you have two choices: Change what you're doing and put yourself out there, or accept your lot in life. (Option 3, I guess, is to find a spouse who's super social and will get you off your ass. I suspect that's how a majority of men my age get by.) This just saved you thousands of dollars in therapist visits. You're welcome.

mjevans 8y ago
I have a __lot__ of trouble reading others. IF someone asks (that I know in meat-space) I can articulate things I'm interested in (In more detail than: food, social viewing of media / culture exchange, maybe light board games; in that order of priority). If I offer something a couple of times and No is always the answer, the message I receive is: I am not important to them. If I'm also not offered things that I would reasonably enjoy doing or trying occasionally, the message I receive is: I am not important to them. The message I've found most of my adult life: I am not important. (To anyone, except work, and they'd like me on their terms not mine.)
- xapata 8y ago
  Why would you be important? More to the point, why does someone have to be important to be invited? I don't know many people in the city I moved to this year. Everyone I meet who is mildly interesting, I get their email and start inviting them to events and parties. Not many people respond and fewer reciprocate, but I'm planning to live here a while. If it takes me 10 years to make 10 good friends, all that effort will be worthwhile.

Carpetsmoker 8y ago

- Go to meetup.com events; most areas have some. - Check out Facebook events. - Some areas have couchsurfing events (hosting people on CF is also fun, but usually people move on after a few days at the most, although there are exceptions; I've hosted people looking to move in to my city). - Volunteer somewhere (for example I volunteered at the local beerfest this week). - Work in a coworking space or coffeeshop every once in a while if your job allows it. - Dating apps are frustrating and annoying for a host of reasons, but they do work to meet people. I met a few (platonic) friends like that. Basically, go where people are. A lot of the other people are also there to just meet people, so it all matches up. I moved to New Zealand last month; and I lived in the UK for two years before that. In both cases; I didn't really know anyone there. This worked fairly well for me (I'm 33). British people aren't exactly known for being open, so a lot of my friends were/are expats like me. Also don't be afraid to talk to people, or ask people if they want to do something if you're interested. I naturally tend (or rather, tended) to be somewhat socially anxious, but a lot of that has been better since I have been "forced" to go out and meet folk. Turns out, most of the time those kind of things are received positively.