I want apples that I can fit three in my mouth at a time, that squish like grapes. I want apples bigger than my head, that I can pop into the oven whole, then

I want apples that I can fit three in my mouth at a time, that squish like grapes. I want apples bigger than my head, that I can pop into the oven whole, then cut off the top and spoon out the flesh like custard. I want apples that crunch when I bite them. I want apples that splat when I throw them. I want apples that taste like cherries. I want apples that taste like pears. I want apples that taste like different kinds of apple when you bite opposite sides of the fruit. I want apples that stay the same color when you cut them up. I want apples that are already fermenting by the time you get them home. I want apples that shrivel up all winter into little wrinkly apple-raisins, and then still taste fine in spring. What I don't want is one apple that's one size fits all. Because the last variety they tried for that was Red Delicious, and it is the worst named variety of apple I have ever eaten. The only way to get worse is to try naturally pollinated grown-from-seed apples, and even then you have to be very unlucky with your pick. Apple farmers tend to graft the variety clones onto dwarfing rootstock, to control for height and branching, so it's likely that any mutual crop would work just as well for any kind of apple. I seem to recall that someone was trying to get truffle to grow in apple orchards, but I don't remember seeing anything about it actually being successful.