4 ms·

I'm speaking as a long term and paid user of both Tinder and OKC. Online dating is complete garbage and I feel regret every time I open the services. The fact t

by dgzl 8y ago

I'm speaking as a long term and paid user of both Tinder and OKC. Online dating is complete garbage and I feel regret every time I open the services. The fact that Facebook is joining the game makes my stomach churn.

iamdave 8y ago
I'm pretty jaded on the modernity of dating in general. OKC, Tinder, others haven't really helped that, and maybe it's generational or maybe it isn't--doesn't feel like many in my age group (27) are really that much interested in relationships of substance and trend more towards relationships because 'relationship'. But again, jaded on dating in general, pretty darn content with everything else otherwise if I'm being honest (except the cat really does need to get a job and start pulling his weight around here).
- davemp 8y ago
  I can see where you’re coming from. My armchair hypothesis is that people aren’t being taught how to have healthy long term monogamous relationships and why being in one (a healthy ltmr) can be so amazing. I won’t speculate on the cause, beyond suggesting that there is a negatively correlated social trend (based on no actual data) that seems like a logical inference. This hypothetical situation implies that it is much less likely for people to find another party interested in teaming up. Luckily if both sides: know how to identify a healthy ltmr, know how to & will participate in a healthy ltmr, will keep testing partners until a healthy ltmr is formed, and are balanced population size (and more), everyone interested and capable will end up in a healthy ltmr. The regressions in this scenario are longer expected time to relationship and the emotional cost of testing potential partners. (Probably significant enough to address). Based on the above scenario actionable advice is to do one’s best to satisfy the assumptions, weather the regression costs, and try to optimize your strategy to minimize the costs (becareful not to become a bad actor/violate the assumptions). This scenario & strategy is likely full of holes, but maybe it can provide hope that there is a strategy that offers a high success rate.
  - iamdave 8y ago
    Or just do what I did: say "screw it" to the whole idea, get a dog and go fishing on the weekends.
    - davemp 8y ago
      Fair enough. I believe that iron sharpens iron as person sharpens person; and if a person is looking for sharpening, a strong partner is the best tool. Also a cook needs more than just sharp knives. :)
      - iamdave 8y ago
        if a person is looking for sharpening, a strong partner is the best tool. I kind of disagree with this notion, personal enrichment can come from all sorts of sources and places, and ins't reliant on having a significant other, but your point is taken for what it is.
klohto 8y ago
Can you explain why do you think it’s garbage?
- dgzl 8y ago
  Within, you'll find both facts and my own opinions. I believe that, in the beginning, Tinder shocked women because they a) were reaffirmed that they were held in high value, and b) a subset of men will ruin a good chance (i.e. matching with someone) by sending unwanted dickpicks or just bring gross. Over time, women felt jaded while also being put on a pedestal, a confusing situation no doubt. Now it's women's responsibility to avoid that, and they do so by being very selective with who they swipe on. As another commenter said, only the top percentage of men will regularly get matches while majority of women will easily match. (Anecdotal experience of mine and friends I talk with) This leads to men having to liberally swipe right, while women can be very selective. At the same time, cultural standards say men have to be the first ones to message when a match occurs, which furthers the disadvantage, and requires even more work from men before a connection is even made. And if your message doesn't meet the usually high bar, then too bad sucker. Even if you do, there's a decent chance you'll get ghosted after a few messages. I won't even go into the societal norms of men having to pay for the dates. (mostly because this is slightly shifting) Not to mention some of the seriously rude things I've found from the experience: "I'll always Love my dog more than you", "queen of xyz", "you better be this tall with this size of d!@$", direct racism against both black and white folks, saying "you have to put in more work than just saying hi" but then gives minimal effort in return. I also see a lot of "I love honestly, respect, love, kindness", being virtuous essentially, but then interacting with them gives me the entirely opposite vibe. OKC is a different bag of nonsense. They've really screwed the messaging system recently. First you have to "like" someone before you can message them, then you get one message to send before their profile disappears from you -unless- they like/message you back. If you made an error or forgot something in your initial message, too bad. If you want to talk with someone without "liking" them, too bad. Further, the message you send doesn't even end up in their inbox- the message replaces your profile card when you're searching the general pool. (I.e. the recieving party didn't get an alert when they have a message, they have to stumble across it on the website) Essentially, it feels like women hold all the chips for interaction, but they're also not being considerate about how they play the game. Both application boundaries and social boundaries give women the winning favor in online and regular dating. I believe there's an art for men to matching with women in the modern day, but I also believe that's it's based on a lot of shallow crap that women shouldn't be looking for in the first place.
Rinzler89 8y ago
It's only garbage when you're not in the top 10% of desirable males or top 80% of desirable females :)
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
browsercoin 8y ago
I didn't know my socially liberal city was secretly racist until I joined Tinder and OKC. Unfiltered, unbiased, completely raw racism against Asian males. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth continue living as a North American. There's just institutionalized racism from Hollywood, which everybody takes cue from. Especially when there's a vacuum of identity due to the mosaic nature of Canadian identity, it creates ethnic silos, and just an air of unfriendly unwelcoming misery that is Vancouver, BC. Or maybe everybody is house poor and blame it on Asians in Ferraris.....whyflag
- uniclaude 8y ago
  That's the first time I hear about racism there. How does this manifest? "No Asians please" written on female profiles?
jhanschoo 8y ago
I'll copy my top-level coment here: I think FB is well-positioned to provide a better online dating experience than specialized online dating platforms. Specialized online dating platforms have a disincentive to cater to people looking for stable relationships, since these people typically stop using the platform once they have found a match. For example, I find that OkCupid's redesign last year/earlier this year (I forget the exact time interval when) smells of a reorientation towards catering to heavy users of the platform. FB users, on the other hand, probably do not see (or see as much) a decrease in activity if/when they enter a stable relationship, and so FB can be more well-aligned with the relationship goals of its users.

by dgzl 8y ago

iamdave 8y ago

I'm pretty jaded on the modernity of dating in general. OKC, Tinder, others haven't really helped that, and maybe it's generational or maybe it isn't--doesn't feel like many in my age group (27) are really that much interested in relationships of substance and trend more towards relationships because 'relationship'. But again, jaded on dating in general, pretty darn content with everything else otherwise if I'm being honest (except the cat really does need to get a job and start pulling his weight around here).

davemp 8y ago
I can see where you’re coming from. My armchair hypothesis is that people aren’t being taught how to have healthy long term monogamous relationships and why being in one (a healthy ltmr) can be so amazing. I won’t speculate on the cause, beyond suggesting that there is a negatively correlated social trend (based on no actual data) that seems like a logical inference. This hypothetical situation implies that it is much less likely for people to find another party interested in teaming up. Luckily if both sides: know how to identify a healthy ltmr, know how to & will participate in a healthy ltmr, will keep testing partners until a healthy ltmr is formed, and are balanced population size (and more), everyone interested and capable will end up in a healthy ltmr. The regressions in this scenario are longer expected time to relationship and the emotional cost of testing potential partners. (Probably significant enough to address). Based on the above scenario actionable advice is to do one’s best to satisfy the assumptions, weather the regression costs, and try to optimize your strategy to minimize the costs (becareful not to become a bad actor/violate the assumptions). This scenario & strategy is likely full of holes, but maybe it can provide hope that there is a strategy that offers a high success rate.
- iamdave 8y ago
  Or just do what I did: say "screw it" to the whole idea, get a dog and go fishing on the weekends.
  - davemp 8y ago
    Fair enough. I believe that iron sharpens iron as person sharpens person; and if a person is looking for sharpening, a strong partner is the best tool. Also a cook needs more than just sharp knives. :)
    - iamdave 8y ago
      if a person is looking for sharpening, a strong partner is the best tool. I kind of disagree with this notion, personal enrichment can come from all sorts of sources and places, and ins't reliant on having a significant other, but your point is taken for what it is.

klohto 8y ago

Can you explain why do you think it’s garbage?

dgzl 8y ago
Within, you'll find both facts and my own opinions. I believe that, in the beginning, Tinder shocked women because they a) were reaffirmed that they were held in high value, and b) a subset of men will ruin a good chance (i.e. matching with someone) by sending unwanted dickpicks or just bring gross. Over time, women felt jaded while also being put on a pedestal, a confusing situation no doubt. Now it's women's responsibility to avoid that, and they do so by being very selective with who they swipe on. As another commenter said, only the top percentage of men will regularly get matches while majority of women will easily match. (Anecdotal experience of mine and friends I talk with) This leads to men having to liberally swipe right, while women can be very selective. At the same time, cultural standards say men have to be the first ones to message when a match occurs, which furthers the disadvantage, and requires even more work from men before a connection is even made. And if your message doesn't meet the usually high bar, then too bad sucker. Even if you do, there's a decent chance you'll get ghosted after a few messages. I won't even go into the societal norms of men having to pay for the dates. (mostly because this is slightly shifting) Not to mention some of the seriously rude things I've found from the experience: "I'll always Love my dog more than you", "queen of xyz", "you better be this tall with this size of d!@$", direct racism against both black and white folks, saying "you have to put in more work than just saying hi" but then gives minimal effort in return. I also see a lot of "I love honestly, respect, love, kindness", being virtuous essentially, but then interacting with them gives me the entirely opposite vibe. OKC is a different bag of nonsense. They've really screwed the messaging system recently. First you have to "like" someone before you can message them, then you get one message to send before their profile disappears from you -unless- they like/message you back. If you made an error or forgot something in your initial message, too bad. If you want to talk with someone without "liking" them, too bad. Further, the message you send doesn't even end up in their inbox- the message replaces your profile card when you're searching the general pool. (I.e. the recieving party didn't get an alert when they have a message, they have to stumble across it on the website) Essentially, it feels like women hold all the chips for interaction, but they're also not being considerate about how they play the game. Both application boundaries and social boundaries give women the winning favor in online and regular dating. I believe there's an art for men to matching with women in the modern day, but I also believe that's it's based on a lot of shallow crap that women shouldn't be looking for in the first place.

Rinzler89 8y ago

It's only garbage when you're not in the top 10% of desirable males or top 80% of desirable females :)

deleted 8y ago
[deleted]

browsercoin 8y ago

I didn't know my socially liberal city was secretly racist until I joined Tinder and OKC. Unfiltered, unbiased, completely raw racism against Asian males. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth continue living as a North American. There's just institutionalized racism from Hollywood, which everybody takes cue from. Especially when there's a vacuum of identity due to the mosaic nature of Canadian identity, it creates ethnic silos, and just an air of unfriendly unwelcoming misery that is Vancouver, BC. Or maybe everybody is house poor and blame it on Asians in Ferraris.....whyflag

uniclaude 8y ago
That's the first time I hear about racism there. How does this manifest? "No Asians please" written on female profiles?

jhanschoo 8y ago

I'll copy my top-level coment here: I think FB is well-positioned to provide a better online dating experience than specialized online dating platforms. Specialized online dating platforms have a disincentive to cater to people looking for stable relationships, since these people typically stop using the platform once they have found a match. For example, I find that OkCupid's redesign last year/earlier this year (I forget the exact time interval when) smells of a reorientation towards catering to heavy users of the platform. FB users, on the other hand, probably do not see (or see as much) a decrease in activity if/when they enter a stable relationship, and so FB can be more well-aligned with the relationship goals of its users.