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Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?
I am 20, in college, and majoring is mechanical engineering. I (used to) do some hacking (building web sites, wordpress themes, html, css, js) on the side. Started as a hobby that could help me make money in HS, and it picked up from there. I made some money, and I guess got high headed. This is a throwaway account, but I have been on HN for a while (1.5 yr+). Its a great community and a lot of what I have learned here has proven really helpful. I have read a fair share of posts from people that are in situations not as great as mine who have asked for help, advice, about life/depression/suicide, to whatnot. I have benefited a lot from some of the advice that has been doled out to introverts.
Back in school I thought I knew what I wanted to do, but now I am utterly clueless. I interned for a big company last summer, and utterly hated the experience, so much that I quit 5 weeks into the 10 week program. I was just uncomfortable with the whole experience, and I was very self conscious all the time, even though, I was working more efficiently, and delivering better work than my co-interns. (not to sound cocky, but true).
Here is my problem. I am a junior in college now, and I have no idea with regards to what I want to do. I have lost interest in classes (this actually happened a while back), but I do not want to/ cannot drop out, because I have no clue as to what I would do, so basically I am just dragging through school, and it all seems kinda pointless. I am Indian (expected to take care of my parents, sister, and be a responsible son) so a lot is expected of me, another reason that I cannot quit school. I haven't really been able to talk to my parents, and such about all of this, and other than that I am an introvert, and don't have much friends that I can talk to. I have a few friends in college from clubs, etc. but that is it, and I liked spending time alone, but now every-time I am by myself, I keep thinking about all of this ^^. that I have no freaking clue as to what I am doing with my life, and am essentially bleeding time. I do not enjoy my major, and my self esteem / self worth is at an all time low. I guess I could say that I am even losing all motivation to go to classes, and that isn't helping either. I run / workout for 45-60 minutes everyday, and that is the highlight of my day, because for a while I am able to feel good, but then this whole viscous cycle kicks in.
I have been to the college counseling center and that wasn't much help either because the lady I talked to the first time was just either stupid or trying to just waste my time. It wasn't beneficial, so I did repeat this process again with some other counselor, and though he was better, his suggestions still didn't help much. He suggested that I join the group counseling for international students, which was an utter waste of time.
Thing is that I am in control of most of my actions, just that my motivation is not there to kick in when I start to lose the grip on the situation, and start reassessing myself, and start the process of re-evaluating what I need to do. I don't know whether something is wrong with me, or whether this is something that is part of the process of entering adulthood, but life is in utter chaos, and I could use some advice/help. If you have been in a similar situation, or could help me figure out a process to get my life back on track, I would really appreciate it.
Thanks in anticipation.
*throwaway account
EDIT: US College
- stevenp 16y agoI'm not a therapist, but it seems to me that you should focus on what you're passionate about. It sounds like you're having a problem with other people (society, parents, etc.) telling you what's important in life and you're not buying into it. Good for you! It sounds like you're in the midst of a quarter-life crisis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis). Stop thinking that "what to do with your life" is a choice that you have to make. Just do stuff. When something doesn't make you happy, drop it. When something does make you happy, double-down on it. When it stops being fun and starts being work, find something else to do. The one thing that jumped out to me is that your daily exercise routine energizes you and makes you feel good. Why not pursue that? Find a way to do more of what you love and less of what you don't. Instead of being paralyzed by feeling like you're being pressured to make choices, be excited that the world is open in front of you and you have the ability to do whatever you want, everyone else be damned.
- daxelrod 16y agostevenp's response inspired me: >Stop thinking that "what to do with your life" is a choice that you have to make. Further, your major doesn't lock you into a particular career the rest of your life. One of my best CS mentors majored in film. He graduated, got a job in the film industry, and couldn't stand it. A friend gave him a job swapping backup tapes in a server room, and he got into computers from there. Your experience with the job was a great way to find out a path that you don't want to head down. Don't think of it as a failure on your part. >Instead of being paralyzed by feeling like you're being pressured to make choices, be excited that the world is open in front of you and you have the ability to do whatever you want, everyone else be damned. It sounds to me like The Future is ruining your present. Instead of asking "What can I do to prepare myself for tomorrow?" ask "What can I do to make today better?" Luckily, a college campus usually has tons of answers to that question, especially outside of classes. Go to one of those billboards plastered with announcements, and see if there's an event that strikes your interest. Then go to it! Student groups are a great way to dabble in all kinds of things without making a lifelong commitment to them. (If you still don't know what to pick, I find if I help others, my own problems mostly work themselves out.) Living in the present isn't being irresponsible. It's taking care of yourself so that you're prepared for whatever comes in the future. I should also note that counselling is far more effective if you continue to meet with the counselor on a regular basis. A counselor's main value isn't giving out advice, it's helping you to understand yourself differently. A good counselor isn't always easy to find, but if you think there's some hope, it may be worth a few sessions before you give up on them. A lot of us have been where you are. Things will get better. And please do follow up with us. We care.