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> They never, ever made me feel bad about it. I think this is what real seniors are about, they avoid making others feel inferior. > Maybe find a better place

• afarrell 8y ago
  > they start questioning any technical decision I make in a humiliating way, You regain respect by getting clarity on what they meant when they said the humiliating thing. "When we were X, you said Y. By that, did you mean to imply Z?" They'll either clarify that they didn't mean Z or they will double down and explicitly ridicule you. In the first case, problem solved. Maybe you talk about why his words would make a reasonable person feel ridiculed, maybe you don't. Either way, you've eliminated the possibility of misinterpretation, which always exists when humans communicate. In the second case, you need to actually confront him about that if you want to gain respect. Look him in the eye and say something like, "Okay look dude, we're here to help each other learn and solve problems. If you're going to ridicule someone for asking a clearly-framed question, you're not doing a good job at that. That's a serious problem. How can I help you practice that?" Is this confrontational and therefore uncomfortable? Absolutely. Does it require enduring an uneasy feeling in your bowels as you stand up straight and maintain eye contact? yep. But being willing to deal with uncomfortable situations, keep calm, and drive problem-solving-focused confrontation is necessary for the sort of leadership that earns the respect you are looking for.
  • beaconstudios 8y ago
    > "Okay look dude, we're here to help each other learn and solve problems. If you're going to ridicule someone for asking a clearly-framed question, you're not doing a good job at that. That's a serious problem. How can I help you practice that?" It might be just me, but this comes across as condescending or patronising. I'd be inclined to be more straight forward and just say something like "I was asking <your question> to <valid reason a senior would ask said question>. I don't appreciate you ridiculing me for what should be a perfectly normal thing to ask, so please don't do that again." Obviously don't go that route if they aren't owning the ridicule. If they try to weasel out of it or be passive aggressive then sometimes you just have to pin people to their implications.
• ggm 8y ago
  The other senior was a friend of mine that I don't want to lose. This is hard. A real friend, you could say "this is hurtful" but it's been my experience both sides of this (saying it, and having it said to me because I have been a royal prick sometimes) is a hard place to come back from. The friendship will be different afterward. If this is causing you enough damage (in some sense) its possible sacrificing the friendship is more important than retaining it, for your own sense of self-worth. I wish this wasn't so, I hope not, but if you begin to find this becomes a core problem for you, then I don't think this friendship justifies the damage it is doing to you. I did bad things at work, and it went to mediation, and it worked really well for me. I think it worked ok-well for the other party, but I felt I shed burdens and learned things (I was the offending party btw) -So, its possible something formal like mediating this outcome could work.