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...and this is why I created an alt account, so I could answer honestly. I would cheat on him. I was dating two other guys when we met, and we agreed when we

by Female 16y ago

...and this is why I created an alt account, so I could answer honestly. I would cheat on him. I was dating two other guys when we met, and we agreed when we became serious that our relationship would be exclusive. It was worth it to me. However, I'm not terribly good at resisting temptation. Add to the fire that my type (surprise!) is geeky males, and there's no way I could resist. A Y combinator class for me would be like tempting an Ethiopian to a buffet. He's absolutely right; it would destroy our marriage. Some things are more important than funding.

sahillavingia 16y ago
I don't really have the experience to comment, but if that would destroy your marriage, are you sure your marriage isn't destroyed already...?
- ramidarigaz 16y ago
  I think it's good to recognize that every relationship has limits. It's incredibly idealistic/naive to assume otherwise (I wish life worked that way though).
- Female 16y ago
  We both entered into this relationship with a full understanding of our proclivities. I knew that he couldn't stand to see me with another man; he knew that I have the impulse control of flea. Marriage isn't about being perfect for each other, it's about making a commitment to make it work. This is how we make it work. This is just like using StayFocusd or maxvisit; you know you don't have the willpower, so you use other means to keep yourself productive (or faithful, in this case.)
  - mkramlich 16y ago
    Heck I couldn't stand to be in SF for 3 months without reading HN and there isn't even an orgasm involved.
- bkrausz 16y ago
  Were someone to ignore their issues or hide them from their partner, I would claim it destroys the relationship more than anything else. But admitting one's flaws? As much as you may judge someone for a lack of self-control, you have a respect the honesty it takes to admit to your S.O. that you lack that self control. Even moreso, it's a very strong indication of your commitment to the other person when, after admitting your lack of self-control, you consciously choose not to put yourself in those situations because you know how much it would hurt your S.O. tl;dr; - A relationship where both parties are honest with each other and ok with the situation after being fully informed is the strongest possible relationship.
  - anigbrowl 16y ago
    consciously choose not to put yourself in those situations What do you call this, if not flirting with the idea?
sp4rki 16y ago
If you would cheat on him that easily I'd argue you're with him for convenience or because you settled. In any case, I'd hate distrusting my significant other to that point. I would really not be able to have a relationship like that. YMMV though.
- Female 16y ago
  Yeah, I can see how some people would mind having to keep tabs on their partner. It's not for everyone. He doesn't seem to mind. But it really has nothing to do with settling; some people are just not monogamous by nature. I'm sure you can understand, since people sometimes make that generalization about the entire male sex :).
  - sp4rki 16y ago
    Oh no I understand, I used to be the prime example of polygamy (well not really since they we're not really relationships). I used to be one of those guys for which every skirt is a new possibility and I had this knack for sleeping around, but once I settled for one I for the life of me can't even think about cheating. Whatever suits you guys though, if you guys are happy then more power to you. I'd would just find it incredibly difficult.
anigbrowl 16y ago
You don't meet each other's needs and you both know it. Deal with it now, or deal with it later: no blame, that's just how it goes sometimes. If you would cheat on him, then you want something he doesn't provide, but just lack confidence in your ability to find what he does provide somewhere else. This sub-thread exists only because it's an issue persistent enough in your life that you need to get it off your chest somehow. Face up to it. After a bad first experience I put off marrying again for a long time. When I did marry again, it was we were past those kind of trust questions. It's neither perfect nor predictable, but nor does it feel like a trade-off.
- philwelch 16y ago
  If you would cheat on him, then you want something he doesn't provide, but just lack confidence in your ability to find what he does provide somewhere else. Please just knock off the amateur psychiatry. Human beings aren't naturally wired to be monogamous[1]; that's why cultures have to exert tons of social pressure on people to be monogamous. Wanting to have sex with people who aren't your partner doesn't mean something's wrong; it's the natural state of the human being. A lot of people repress this with tons of social pressure and denial, but it's still there for probably a lot of people. If you're one of those people, I think acknowledging it and choosing to avoid temptation for the sake of accommodating a partner is, if anything, even more loving than living in denial. [1] If you doubt me, you can start with all the literature about sperm competition in humans, or about the high incidence of adultery.
  - anigbrowl 16y ago
    Cheating is a breach of trust. Had I meant monogamy, I would have said so.
    - philwelch 16y ago
      You seem to be implicitly assuming that everyone can resist temptation through sheer force of will. Even if you're that way, a lot of people aren't; they have to carefully engineer temptation out of their lives. (There's a known cognitive bias for assuming everyone else is psychologically like yourself, but for the life of me I can't remember what it's called right now.)
stcredzero 16y ago
I would cheat on him. Well, this suggestion is now completely infeasible due to the existence of this thread, but couldn't the two of you hire a chaperone? There are a lot of cultures where there are many people who are used to the chaperone role. I think (albeit, with a bit of effort) you'd be able to find someone willing to spend 3 or 4 months hanging out in San Francisco on an unconventional but free vacation. Just offer them a sizable reward if they catch you. (There is even a fetishist scene from which you can acquire working chastity belts!) Alternatively, just hire a "virtual personal assistant" to video chat with you once per hour and also go over a once per minute time-lapse film of you sleeping every day. IR sensitive webcams and IR LED lamps are pretty cheap. Even better, you can trade a favor with someone who handles the tech for the house arrest ankle bracelets. Granted, none of this is foolproof. You're probably smart enough to circumvent any of these measures, but you'd have to make an active effort to do so. This takes an affair well out of the realm of circumstantial "temptation." (Though in your case, given your unusually poor impulse control, the temptation might increase because of the measures.) EDIT: This gives me an idea for a product. Maybe call this something like "Watchdroid." It would be a battery operated remotely aimable webcam the size of a cell phone, connected over 3G.
- mkramlich 16y ago
  I began to think along the same lines. Or SpouseWatch.com

by Female 16y ago

sahillavingia 16y ago

I don't really have the experience to comment, but if that would destroy your marriage, are you sure your marriage isn't destroyed already...?

ramidarigaz 16y ago
I think it's good to recognize that every relationship has limits. It's incredibly idealistic/naive to assume otherwise (I wish life worked that way though).
Female 16y ago
We both entered into this relationship with a full understanding of our proclivities. I knew that he couldn't stand to see me with another man; he knew that I have the impulse control of flea. Marriage isn't about being perfect for each other, it's about making a commitment to make it work. This is how we make it work. This is just like using StayFocusd or maxvisit; you know you don't have the willpower, so you use other means to keep yourself productive (or faithful, in this case.)
- mkramlich 16y ago
  Heck I couldn't stand to be in SF for 3 months without reading HN and there isn't even an orgasm involved.
bkrausz 16y ago
Were someone to ignore their issues or hide them from their partner, I would claim it destroys the relationship more than anything else. But admitting one's flaws? As much as you may judge someone for a lack of self-control, you have a respect the honesty it takes to admit to your S.O. that you lack that self control. Even moreso, it's a very strong indication of your commitment to the other person when, after admitting your lack of self-control, you consciously choose not to put yourself in those situations because you know how much it would hurt your S.O. tl;dr; - A relationship where both parties are honest with each other and ok with the situation after being fully informed is the strongest possible relationship.
- anigbrowl 16y ago
  consciously choose not to put yourself in those situations What do you call this, if not flirting with the idea?

sp4rki 16y ago

If you would cheat on him that easily I'd argue you're with him for convenience or because you settled. In any case, I'd hate distrusting my significant other to that point. I would really not be able to have a relationship like that. YMMV though.

Female 16y ago
Yeah, I can see how some people would mind having to keep tabs on their partner. It's not for everyone. He doesn't seem to mind. But it really has nothing to do with settling; some people are just not monogamous by nature. I'm sure you can understand, since people sometimes make that generalization about the entire male sex :).
- sp4rki 16y ago
  Oh no I understand, I used to be the prime example of polygamy (well not really since they we're not really relationships). I used to be one of those guys for which every skirt is a new possibility and I had this knack for sleeping around, but once I settled for one I for the life of me can't even think about cheating. Whatever suits you guys though, if you guys are happy then more power to you. I'd would just find it incredibly difficult.

anigbrowl 16y ago

You don't meet each other's needs and you both know it. Deal with it now, or deal with it later: no blame, that's just how it goes sometimes. If you would cheat on him, then you want something he doesn't provide, but just lack confidence in your ability to find what he does provide somewhere else. This sub-thread exists only because it's an issue persistent enough in your life that you need to get it off your chest somehow. Face up to it. After a bad first experience I put off marrying again for a long time. When I did marry again, it was we were past those kind of trust questions. It's neither perfect nor predictable, but nor does it feel like a trade-off.

philwelch 16y ago
If you would cheat on him, then you want something he doesn't provide, but just lack confidence in your ability to find what he does provide somewhere else. Please just knock off the amateur psychiatry. Human beings aren't naturally wired to be monogamous[1]; that's why cultures have to exert tons of social pressure on people to be monogamous. Wanting to have sex with people who aren't your partner doesn't mean something's wrong; it's the natural state of the human being. A lot of people repress this with tons of social pressure and denial, but it's still there for probably a lot of people. If you're one of those people, I think acknowledging it and choosing to avoid temptation for the sake of accommodating a partner is, if anything, even more loving than living in denial. [1] If you doubt me, you can start with all the literature about sperm competition in humans, or about the high incidence of adultery.
- anigbrowl 16y ago
  Cheating is a breach of trust. Had I meant monogamy, I would have said so.
  - philwelch 16y ago
    You seem to be implicitly assuming that everyone can resist temptation through sheer force of will. Even if you're that way, a lot of people aren't; they have to carefully engineer temptation out of their lives. (There's a known cognitive bias for assuming everyone else is psychologically like yourself, but for the life of me I can't remember what it's called right now.)

stcredzero 16y ago

I would cheat on him. Well, this suggestion is now completely infeasible due to the existence of this thread, but couldn't the two of you hire a chaperone? There are a lot of cultures where there are many people who are used to the chaperone role. I think (albeit, with a bit of effort) you'd be able to find someone willing to spend 3 or 4 months hanging out in San Francisco on an unconventional but free vacation. Just offer them a sizable reward if they catch you. (There is even a fetishist scene from which you can acquire working chastity belts!) Alternatively, just hire a "virtual personal assistant" to video chat with you once per hour and also go over a once per minute time-lapse film of you sleeping every day. IR sensitive webcams and IR LED lamps are pretty cheap. Even better, you can trade a favor with someone who handles the tech for the house arrest ankle bracelets. Granted, none of this is foolproof. You're probably smart enough to circumvent any of these measures, but you'd have to make an active effort to do so. This takes an affair well out of the realm of circumstantial "temptation." (Though in your case, given your unusually poor impulse control, the temptation might increase because of the measures.) EDIT: This gives me an idea for a product. Maybe call this something like "Watchdroid." It would be a battery operated remotely aimable webcam the size of a cell phone, connected over 3G.

mkramlich 16y ago
I began to think along the same lines. Or SpouseWatch.com