7 ms·

I'm a relatively active HN user. This is a throwaway, because I'm not "out" as a girl on HN. I have not applied, and I'm not going to, because my husband woul

by Female 16y ago

I'm a relatively active HN user. This is a throwaway, because I'm not "out" as a girl on HN. I have not applied, and I'm not going to, because my husband would never let me spend 3 months in SF by myself (and he has a job where he couldn't come with me.) And this is not a hypothetical, we've discussed it and he put his foot down.

deleted 16y ago
[deleted]
bkrausz 16y ago
May I ask why you're hiding your gender on HN? I know of many potential reasons, just curious what yours is.
- Female 16y ago
  Honestly? You're all so anti-sexist it sickens me. Whenever a female posts, you put away the boxing gloves and take out the kid skin gloves. The only people that actually say negative things are the unapologetic sexists, and no, I don't like that either. But it doesn't bother me as much. So it might just be my imagination, but just to be safe I prefer to be one of the guys for my recreational forum activities.
  - peteforde 16y ago
    Bullshit! I support your right to portray yourself in whatever light you can muster, but there's no shortage of critical thinkers on Hacker News. The phenomena that you're describing is often called "othering" and it generally sums up nicely as "a room full of dudes bending over backwards to be so accepting to a woman that it's creepy". It is a real problem. However, I know I'm not the only person on here who couldn't care less what your gender is. I want to respect you for what you produce, and I'm not going to mince words if I think something is goofy. Being a radical is tiring and it's not cool to put the onus for change on women, who I suspect get worn down demanding equality. I know that I would. Yet, there are times and places where major gains come only from sticking your neck out once in a while. Being a woman on HN might be one of those places.
    - Female 16y ago
      I doubt I have much to gain from being a female on HN, unless I a) wanted to take advantage of my rarity and b) wanted to apply to HN. In which case they would find out I was female when I submitted my application, anyway. And I'm not applying.
  - elbenshira 16y ago
    This is really unfortunate. Can you point to threads that you thought were sexist? I'm really curious because it's sometimes hard for a guy to empathize.
  - bkrausz 16y ago
    I can see that. The problem I see is that everyone gets labeled as one extreme or the other. As much as I hate sugar-coating what I say to someone because of their gender or other quality, I'd rather get labeled as an anti-sexist than a sexist. Also, I see that happen a lot more not because of gender, but because we're discussing gender issues. Anytime someone brings up a sensitive issue people are going to tip-toe more, regardless of the attributes of anyone actually bringing it up.
  - gruseom 16y ago
    Wow. Full respect.
    - maggie 16y ago
      Respect because she's a textbook-case of minority oppression?
      - armandososa 16y ago
        Wow. Are women really considered minority?
        michaelfairley 16y ago
        In tech? On HN? In YC? Definitely.
      - gruseom 16y ago
        What? No, because she doesn't want any special treatment and finds the idea insulting.
  - johnyzee 16y ago
    Refreshing viewpoint. As a woman in this kind of community you it would be difficult to avoid special treatment, for better or worse, and it definitely takes focus away from whatever it is we come here to accomplish.
  - ig1 16y ago
    I don't know about others but I don't generally associate a gender with poster's nick unless they're very well known. As a case in point, it wouldn't have occurred to me that the OP (limedaring) was female if I saw her posting in another thread, even though I recognize her name from elsewhere and could tell you she was female if I thought about it.
  - deleted 16y ago
    [deleted]
vietor 16y ago
Could you go into more detail about what the reasons given were? My initial reactions on reading that was ... unreservedly hostile. Given the likely upside of going through YC if accepted, 12 weeks of separation seems insignificant. (On topic: I applied this year and one of my two co-founders is female.)
- Female 16y ago
  ...and this is why I created an alt account, so I could answer honestly. I would cheat on him. I was dating two other guys when we met, and we agreed when we became serious that our relationship would be exclusive. It was worth it to me. However, I'm not terribly good at resisting temptation. Add to the fire that my type (surprise!) is geeky males, and there's no way I could resist. A Y combinator class for me would be like tempting an Ethiopian to a buffet. He's absolutely right; it would destroy our marriage. Some things are more important than funding.
  - sahillavingia 16y ago
    I don't really have the experience to comment, but if that would destroy your marriage, are you sure your marriage isn't destroyed already...?
    - ramidarigaz 16y ago
      I think it's good to recognize that every relationship has limits. It's incredibly idealistic/naive to assume otherwise (I wish life worked that way though).
    - Female 16y ago
      We both entered into this relationship with a full understanding of our proclivities. I knew that he couldn't stand to see me with another man; he knew that I have the impulse control of flea. Marriage isn't about being perfect for each other, it's about making a commitment to make it work. This is how we make it work. This is just like using StayFocusd or maxvisit; you know you don't have the willpower, so you use other means to keep yourself productive (or faithful, in this case.)
sbowles 16y ago
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that. My husband is actually quitting his awesome, well-paid job so we can move back to SF because he really believes in me and my business. Long distance relationships are initially scary, but you can pull it off by staying in daily contact. We have been long distance four times, ranging from three to eight months each time (Toronto-Montreal, Toronto-Paris, Toronto-San Francisco, San Francisco-Los Angeles). We both work in tech and we’ve never wanted to deny each other the opportunity to succeed. It has meant moving cities and countries multiple times, but it has actually made our relationship stronger and our careers much more interesting.
puredemo 16y ago
That's fucked up. Relationships are not intended to be that controlling / limiting.

by Female 16y ago

deleted 16y ago

[deleted]

bkrausz 16y ago

May I ask why you're hiding your gender on HN? I know of many potential reasons, just curious what yours is.

Female 16y ago
Honestly? You're all so anti-sexist it sickens me. Whenever a female posts, you put away the boxing gloves and take out the kid skin gloves. The only people that actually say negative things are the unapologetic sexists, and no, I don't like that either. But it doesn't bother me as much. So it might just be my imagination, but just to be safe I prefer to be one of the guys for my recreational forum activities.
- peteforde 16y ago
  Bullshit! I support your right to portray yourself in whatever light you can muster, but there's no shortage of critical thinkers on Hacker News. The phenomena that you're describing is often called "othering" and it generally sums up nicely as "a room full of dudes bending over backwards to be so accepting to a woman that it's creepy". It is a real problem. However, I know I'm not the only person on here who couldn't care less what your gender is. I want to respect you for what you produce, and I'm not going to mince words if I think something is goofy. Being a radical is tiring and it's not cool to put the onus for change on women, who I suspect get worn down demanding equality. I know that I would. Yet, there are times and places where major gains come only from sticking your neck out once in a while. Being a woman on HN might be one of those places.
  - Female 16y ago
    I doubt I have much to gain from being a female on HN, unless I a) wanted to take advantage of my rarity and b) wanted to apply to HN. In which case they would find out I was female when I submitted my application, anyway. And I'm not applying.
- elbenshira 16y ago
  This is really unfortunate. Can you point to threads that you thought were sexist? I'm really curious because it's sometimes hard for a guy to empathize.
- bkrausz 16y ago
  I can see that. The problem I see is that everyone gets labeled as one extreme or the other. As much as I hate sugar-coating what I say to someone because of their gender or other quality, I'd rather get labeled as an anti-sexist than a sexist. Also, I see that happen a lot more not because of gender, but because we're discussing gender issues. Anytime someone brings up a sensitive issue people are going to tip-toe more, regardless of the attributes of anyone actually bringing it up.
- gruseom 16y ago
  Wow. Full respect.
  - maggie 16y ago
    Respect because she's a textbook-case of minority oppression?
    - armandososa 16y ago
      Wow. Are women really considered minority?
      - michaelfairley 16y ago
        In tech? On HN? In YC? Definitely.
    - gruseom 16y ago
      What? No, because she doesn't want any special treatment and finds the idea insulting.
- johnyzee 16y ago
  Refreshing viewpoint. As a woman in this kind of community you it would be difficult to avoid special treatment, for better or worse, and it definitely takes focus away from whatever it is we come here to accomplish.
- ig1 16y ago
  I don't know about others but I don't generally associate a gender with poster's nick unless they're very well known. As a case in point, it wouldn't have occurred to me that the OP (limedaring) was female if I saw her posting in another thread, even though I recognize her name from elsewhere and could tell you she was female if I thought about it.
- deleted 16y ago
  [deleted]

vietor 16y ago

Could you go into more detail about what the reasons given were? My initial reactions on reading that was ... unreservedly hostile. Given the likely upside of going through YC if accepted, 12 weeks of separation seems insignificant. (On topic: I applied this year and one of my two co-founders is female.)

Female 16y ago
...and this is why I created an alt account, so I could answer honestly. I would cheat on him. I was dating two other guys when we met, and we agreed when we became serious that our relationship would be exclusive. It was worth it to me. However, I'm not terribly good at resisting temptation. Add to the fire that my type (surprise!) is geeky males, and there's no way I could resist. A Y combinator class for me would be like tempting an Ethiopian to a buffet. He's absolutely right; it would destroy our marriage. Some things are more important than funding.
- sahillavingia 16y ago
  I don't really have the experience to comment, but if that would destroy your marriage, are you sure your marriage isn't destroyed already...?
  - ramidarigaz 16y ago
    I think it's good to recognize that every relationship has limits. It's incredibly idealistic/naive to assume otherwise (I wish life worked that way though).
  - Female 16y ago
    We both entered into this relationship with a full understanding of our proclivities. I knew that he couldn't stand to see me with another man; he knew that I have the impulse control of flea. Marriage isn't about being perfect for each other, it's about making a commitment to make it work. This is how we make it work. This is just like using StayFocusd or maxvisit; you know you don't have the willpower, so you use other means to keep yourself productive (or faithful, in this case.)

sbowles 16y ago

Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that. My husband is actually quitting his awesome, well-paid job so we can move back to SF because he really believes in me and my business. Long distance relationships are initially scary, but you can pull it off by staying in daily contact. We have been long distance four times, ranging from three to eight months each time (Toronto-Montreal, Toronto-Paris, Toronto-San Francisco, San Francisco-Los Angeles). We both work in tech and we’ve never wanted to deny each other the opportunity to succeed. It has meant moving cities and countries multiple times, but it has actually made our relationship stronger and our careers much more interesting.

puredemo 16y ago

That's fucked up. Relationships are not intended to be that controlling / limiting.