4 ms·

The difference between the "hot" example and the "fat" example is not just switching some group labels around! The "hot" example is complimenting the recipient'

The difference between the "hot" example and the "fat" example is not just switching some group labels around! The "hot" example is complimenting the recipient's appearance and expressing (presumably pleasant) surprise at their presence. The "fat" example is insulting the recipient and explicitly advising them against being there. We can imagine examples of weird and uncomfortable compliments that are in some way related to the demographics of the recipient - like someone attempting to flirt by telling a French man "Your voice is way too sexy for you to be a founder" or a well-built black man "You look way too athletic to be a founder". These seem about as socially inept as the "way too hot" example and strike me as reasonable analogues. But the examples in the post I replied to higher in this chain are nothing like this.

munchbunny 8y ago
You're missing some important context then. "Hot" is not a compliment when an investor says this about you, because that's not a trait that matters as a startup founder, and because of the boys club atmosphere that pervades some parts of the VC world, it carries the strong implication that an irrelevant trait is getting in the way of your purpose for being there. If you look at the example the parent poster gave, that's exactly the implication. "Oh, you're way too hot to be a startup founder, what are you doing here?"
toomanybeersies 8y ago
It's not actually a complement though. They're basically saying "I value your presence here because of your appearance, not because of your ideas". Let's give another example of a complement that really isn't: "Wow, it's nice to see some black people at this event for once". It's a positive statement, sure, but it's not an appropriate comment to make. Can you understand how this belittles people?
itronitron 8y ago
If you consider the difference between your two examples, the French man and the black man, I think you may see how one would be more put off than the other by the uncomfortable compliment. Specifically, within the United States (and other countries as well) the black man has been historically disenfrachised and therefore any comment/compliment that they do not belong there will not be well received. The 'too xyz to be here' comment is typically made by people that aren't in a position to judge, possibly for a number of reasons.

munchbunny 8y ago

You're missing some important context then. "Hot" is not a compliment when an investor says this about you, because that's not a trait that matters as a startup founder, and because of the boys club atmosphere that pervades some parts of the VC world, it carries the strong implication that an irrelevant trait is getting in the way of your purpose for being there. If you look at the example the parent poster gave, that's exactly the implication. "Oh, you're way too hot to be a startup founder, what are you doing here?"

toomanybeersies 8y ago

It's not actually a complement though. They're basically saying "I value your presence here because of your appearance, not because of your ideas". Let's give another example of a complement that really isn't: "Wow, it's nice to see some black people at this event for once". It's a positive statement, sure, but it's not an appropriate comment to make. Can you understand how this belittles people?

itronitron 8y ago

If you consider the difference between your two examples, the French man and the black man, I think you may see how one would be more put off than the other by the uncomfortable compliment. Specifically, within the United States (and other countries as well) the black man has been historically disenfrachised and therefore any comment/compliment that they do not belong there will not be well received. The 'too xyz to be here' comment is typically made by people that aren't in a position to judge, possibly for a number of reasons.