11 ms·

“I'm surrounded by people - but I feel so lonely”

78 points by gadders 8y ago

gaspoweredcat 8y ago
welcome to the modern world! the media and other influences have done a great job in driving a wedge between all different types of people to the point that were all barely able to communicate let alone socialise or possibly make friends
- tasticanal 8y ago
  This. We think we socialise through apps, but in reality we are really alone.
  - finaliteration 8y ago
    I definitely think that it makes being alone more painful. I stopped using Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat almost a year ago, and I just shut down Instagram about two months ago. It made me realize how much more I focused on how lonely I felt because I saw all of these interactions but it never felt like I was connected or intimate with anyone. I’m still lonely and spend a lot of time alone, but it doesn’t feel like it’s taunting me and driving me towards suicide out of despair.
- yaps8 8y ago
  It is really not the tone of the article: > There is a common stereotype that loneliness mainly strikes older, isolated people - and of course it can, and does. But the BBC survey found even higher levels of loneliness among younger people, and this pattern was the same in every country. > It's tempting to conclude that something about modern life is putting young people at a higher risk of loneliness, but when we asked older people in our survey about the loneliest times in their lives, they also said it was when they were young. > There are several reasons why younger people might feel lonelier. The years between 16 and 24 are often a time of transition where people move home, build their identities and try to find new friends. > Meanwhile, they've not had the chance to experience loneliness as something temporary, useful even, prompting us to find new friends or rekindle old friendships - 41% of people believe that loneliness can sometimes be a positive experience.
- cyborgx7 8y ago
  Friends aren't profitable. You are much easier to be exploited if you are by yourself.
  - icebraining 8y ago
    Anecdotally, the people I know who socialize (IRL) the most also spend the most, often into debt. Friends pull you into expensive activities, provoke a need of one-upmanship, etc. Whereas the people who give up "the race" are often loners. (This is not an argument against having friends, mind you!) Of course, it could be argued that social networks are a way to re-engineer "friendships" so that they provoke the spending part (looking good on the feed, winning in stupid games, etc) without giving the satisfaction that one might get from just spending time with them.
    - cyborgx7 8y ago
      >Of course, it could be argued that social networks are a way to re-engineer "friendships" so that they provoke the spending part (looking good on the feed, winning in stupid games, etc) without giving the satisfaction that one might get from just spending time with them. I'm actually seing similar strategies employed all over the place. Ever brand wants to build a "community" around them. But they are not doing anything to foster the connection between members. Because if the members formed connections they could act in solidarity with eachother and actually gain some amount of power through collective action. No, the only part of "community" they foster is the loyalty aspect. Loyalty to the brand. Because that is the part that is profitable.
  - gaspoweredcat 8y ago
    very true, not that friends dont exploit us too, its just done in more subtle ways so you often dont notice it. but i have a very different way of looking at the world than most
coldtea 8y ago
The key is intimacy, not mere headcount. And intimacy is superficial when the other is just an account on some social website. It's very easy to ignore the plight of the other, or tune out to more entertaining things.
- dagw 8y ago
  And intimacy is superficial when the other is just an account on some social website. This is far too sweeping a generalization. Some of the most intimate and trusting relationships I've ever formed where with people I met on Usenet.
- code_duck 8y ago
  I don’t find that people I relate to in person have significantly more ‘real’ feelings about me than people I know online.
  - coldtea 8y ago
    Merely "relating to someone in person" is not intimacy. "Intimacy: close familiarity or friendship. "the intimacy between a husband and wife" synonyms: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, confidentiality, close association, close relationship, close attachment, close friendship, friendliness, comradeship, companionship, amity, affection, mutual affection, warmth, warm feelings, understanding, fellow feeling;" Some random coworker or some person you might meet at the coffee place once in a blue moon is not an "intimate" relationship either. But online-only relationships are hardly ever intimate.
    - code_duck 8y ago
      Okay, I agree with all of that too.
- Broken_Hippo 8y ago
  And intimacy is superficial when the other is just an account on some social website. It's very easy to ignore the plight of the other, or tune out to more entertaining things. Sure, it can be. Or it might be the opposite. I met my spouse playing some random online game. I moved across an ocean a few years after we met, and I'm still happy 5 years later. I have had friendships that are just as meaningful as the in-person friendships I've had. The only time it isn't possible to tune out the plight of others is when the others live with you. Even then, there are ways.
yaps8 8y ago
Being old and lonely / alone is really terrifying. > Jack still misses his late wife desperately. [...] "The weekend is a dismal time," says Jack. "The time can drag. I don't have any friends because all my friends are dead. All the ladies I loved are dead. At this age nearly everybody is dead - except me. I'm still here at 96-and-a-half."
- stephengillie 8y ago
  So make new friends. Old people are people.
  - simplemts 8y ago
    It's hard to make friends with people and I'm in my 30s. I can't imagine how hard it would be to "find new people" when you are 90+ and probably can't even drive.
    - yaps8 8y ago
      It think it's also hard because at this point you don't want to make new friends beside smalltalk (which he does). Imagine having been with your spouse for 60 years, your friends 40-80 years (?), your children I guess at least 40 years, having a new friend has nothing to do with this, you will never know them this good and neither will they.
      - stephengillie 8y ago
        When we make better the enemy of good, there's no end to what we can't do.
    - charlesdm 8y ago
      My grandfather, who is 85, made a new friend a few months ago. He's in his 80s as well. So it's definitely possible!
      - astura 8y ago
Cthulhu_ 8y ago
I think this is a major factor why I'm afraid to leave my job and find something more fulfilling and better paying; at this moment, without my job and colleagues (and the light casual interactions I have during the day), my social life would be reduced to some online friends (who are lately only intermittently active themselves) and my cat. I'm sure I'd be able to rebuild, and it might even be a good development in the long run both socially and financially, but in the short term it'll be a problem. But that's how it goes. Every time I (/ one) leaves their school or job or the place they live, most of the people you see daily will be out of your life completely. I'm not the type to really reach out like "hey you wanna hang out", but then apparently nobody else is either so idk if it's just me.
- charlesdm 8y ago
  You might want to go out more then, and try to connect with people over shared activities and interests. The people you work with generally are not friends -- while I've met interesting and nice people over the years in a professional context, it's not common for me to find those relationships meaningful.
  - Cthulhu_ 8y ago
    The challenge there is that most of those shared activities and interests are kinda solitary as well, video games and such. One part of thinking about getting a different job would be to have more free time to expand my activities.
    - ido 8y ago
      Try board games! Close enough to computer games but social.
      - gdhbcc 8y ago
        Can confirm. I got a board games group and we meet almost every week and sometimes multiple times a week. Its also a good jumping off point for other activities
waterhouse 8y ago
Proposed definition: Loneliness is needing some kind of interaction from other people, and not getting it. Proposed understanding: People likely need to have enough of each of several different kinds of interaction (analogy: nutrients), and different people need different amounts of them. Kinds of interaction that at least some people need probably include: intellectual, sharing of problems, "merely seeing another human's face", romantic, sexual, sharing of hobbies/interests...
- tcbawo 8y ago
  I believe that loneliness comes from lacking people that are emotionally invested in you. The strongest bonds and closest relationships people tend to have are family (blood and marriage), which often come with a high cost to sever. The easier it is to walk away, the more superficial the relationship. Loneliness is a realization (or fear) that nobody is there when you need them. It isn't a modern problem, but modern life seems to be exacerbating it.
Theodores 8y ago
Some of the loneliest people are those faces you see on television. Some of them have no real friends even though they are mixing it with the celebrity famous types and have adoring fans. In reality they might have their parents and that is it for support, then those parents might be the pushy types that wanted superstar kids so not the best type of loving parents. This absence and loneliness is hard to imagine given the public persona. Seemingly they have it all. But, after the studio lights go down they get bundled off into a taxi, to get driven home. Meanwhile the rest of the production crew pack up and go to the pub because 'it is a wrap'. The production crew will also be professional in that they will respect the 'talent' (people in front of camera are 'talent') and not make clumsy, unprofessional advances. This is not always the case, in Hollywood women are still expected to sleep with the producer or director to keep getting the roles, however, this is the exception, your average lighting engineer or sound guy will have nothing but professional respect. These lonely stars of TV also don't really relate to their fans, it is a different world they work in and know. It is also a one-way relationship, a fan may know everything about the lonely 'star' but the 'star' will know nothing of the fan's life. So sometimes you do get major 'A list' celebrities types hitching their wagon to some member of the crew who can relate to them. Because of how TV gigs are freelance there is also no feeling for the 'talent' that they are part of a company thing. They are just hired for the day, with no continuity. They also might have to spend half their time on location or living in hotels, in this way they end up with no community and don't know their neighbours. Then youth gets extinguished and the wrinkles set in... So then the gigs are few and far between. Life becomes a struggle. Think of how many celebrity types from TV and music die horrifically alone. Or with a substance abuse problem for company. It happens all the time. Despite the millions of fans they can end up knowing nobody with nobody to trust. Margaret Thatcher died as a very lonely woman, yet once their was a time when the world would hang on her every word, albeit to probably hate her. Her family didn't care, however, due to being a former Prime Minister she did have police protection until the bitter end. Yet nobody could even be bothered to throw insults at her, and, as every narcissist knows, hate is at least 'attention'. She wasn't even getting that during her final days, a cruel and unusual punishment. Tony Blair is probably in the same predicament, I found his autobiography at the local tip the other day and I am sure that is indicative of how people feel about the 'once great man'. At the other end of the scale are people that work and live in a small community, e.g. village sized, know everyone, have lovely family, a life long partner and not a lot of material riches. These are some of the happiest and least lonely people in the world. They might not have got very far, e.g. to spend their working life as a local builder, they might not know anyone famous and yet they have all the ingredients for the rewarding life that eludes those faces on TV that seem to have it all. In an age when everyone seeks superstardom - 'get rich or die trying' - the local folk that 'did not get very far' are having the last laugh.
Hard_Space 8y ago
Above a certain age, you need to make a determined effort to meet new friends. My partner and I both work freelance, and so we are aware of the potential to cloister up, particularly in a cold eastern European winter. So we make definite effort to meet new people, go for drinks or dinner, and maintain and develop such friendships and give them a chance.
- hd4 8y ago
  Above a certain age I've wondered about this a lot. I don't think our generation (I'm assuming most of us are millenials) operates in this regard in the way even our parents did and other than the prevalence of social media and possibly because of more diverse demographics, I can't really understand why that is. Why do we suddenly get very inward-looking in our 30s when it comes to forming new friendships, especially among the more affluent?
  - a008t 8y ago
    When you are in full-time education (school, university) friendships come naturally from the people you share the experience with. Work doesn't have the same effect because being professional usually implies not combining work with fun and not getting personally close to people. So when you are in your 30s, you have limited time and limited opportunities to make friends. If you don't spend a lot of time hanging out with someone it is tough to make really good connections. Other factors come into play as well - comparing yourself to others, more niche interests, lack of desire to invest time, having a partner, etc.
  - compcoffee 8y ago
    >Why do we suddenly get very inward-looking in our 30s when it comes to forming new friendships This is typically the time when you or those in your age cohort are focusing on their families. Time is at a premium.
    - buboard 8y ago
      It happens equally to single people.
dijit 8y ago
I still have my IRC friends. That might sound sad to you, dear reader, but the bonds are strong. We've gone through life together. Being primarily online means I can "uproot" and move anywhere. Sure, I miss going and having a beer or a hackathon, but flights are fairly cheap so we can do it once a while and those interactions are actually better for that. I am super lucky to have what amounts to a social group that's been around 15+ years. I wonder if this level of interaction is enough for everyone or if I'll have some weird breakdown in 5 years.
agumonkey 8y ago
Scream. Express yourself. That's how you get out of loneliness. It's awkward if not painful for many (including me) but based on my own experience that's how you solve it.
sbov 8y ago
Finding a good neighborhood helps a lot with this. We've made more friends in a couple years in the suburbs than the 8 we lived in SF. We know everyone on our block. We all go out after work so people's kids can play with eachother in our street - even people without kids come out to chat about things. People invite others over to BBQ. And so on.
rimliu 8y ago
Now when I think about it, I spend a lot of my time alone. I lived alone from 17 to 37, I parted ways with my only true friend when I was 24… yet I do not recall being horribly lonely. And I think people should learn to spend more time alone and, most important, undistracted. It looks like many are afraid ot the silence, or the voices from within they'd hear if they are alone and in silence. Forget your headphones (and maybe phone too) and go for a half-days walk. You may find something interesting even without going to the new places.
- umichguy 8y ago
  " And I think people should learn to spend more time alone and, most important, undistracted. It looks like many are afraid ot the silence, or the voices from within they'd hear if they are alone and in silence." I am totally guilty of this. I really just can't sit in a silent environment without going crazy. At least need music. My GF and I broke up after a 2yr long relationship, having shared an apartment. She left and moved to a different city, coming home to an empty place after a long day at work was a bit too much sometimes, especially during the weekends. So when the contract ended I actually moved into a house share, where I like the company, there is usually someone always around. I am 35 and have never ever lived in a place by myself, apart from when I was in a relationship or something.
a008t 8y ago
I think the way the internet has changed in the last decade has contributed to loneliness significantly. 10-15 years ago, the internet was full of small independent communities: message boards, IRC channels, chat rooms of all kinds, etc. You could really "hang out" with the same people and get to know them. But something killed pretty much all of them. Instead we have centralized "social media" that is at best all about narcissism and self-promotion. Sites like Reddit where there is too many people and everyone converges to a single "hive-mind", you cannot have someone reply to an interesting post you made years ago, and that really take the humanity out of the whole thing (like Facebook or Tinder or what not). Even HN is problematic in this regard - it is good for the purpose it exists for, but you cannot have any sort of casual threads or discussions just to get any sort of rapport within the community. Even messengers have somehow become worse in this regard. Yahoo/MSN messengers, ICQ etc. were somehow all about having connections with online friends. Maybe it is just me, but there just doesn't seem to be an option that works for this as well nowadays. Or at least people do not seem to use the existing options in the same way.
- dexen 8y ago
  > message boards, IRC channels, chat rooms of all kinds, etc > But something killed pretty much all of them. Not in the least. Interest-driven, channel-centric communities are alive and kicking, from IRC through Discord, Steam and other gaming communities, to Youtube/BitChute comment sections (nasty as they may be) and new meta-/platforms like Mastodon or Minds.com. What has changed is the expanded version of Eternal September - influx of newcommers who join the ?book / ?gram / ?itter du jour, enjoy the interface candy and the occasional outrage, and are very slow to - or even fail to - explore the wider net of chats and other communities. It certainly doesn't help that media tend to paint all non-mainstream platforms as dark, scarry underbelly of the internet with nothing of value to offer, best to be avoided. [1] The slow filtering in of new users into smaller communities is not even necessarily a bad thing, as quick influx of newcommers to interest communities can easily disrupt them to the point of derailing. The IRC and the likes being a cozy hangout where friendships are forged and projects are kicked off isn't based on a particular technical quirk of the IRC protocol or clients. It's all thanks to the established, cozy & social culture[2] being able to take in a certain amount of newcomers, guide them in and let them grow into part of the community. Moving too fast tends to break things. [1] the smartphone is also partly to blame, as it's much less comfortable for extended back-and-forth conversations than a computer; IMO it's more of a prepackaged content consumption terminal. But that's a personal, debatable opinion. [2] certain glaring exceptions notwithstanding
havetocharge 8y ago
In my view, a significant factor in people feeling lonely is due to the unwillingness of most to reach out to others. Many people, and in my experience younger ones more than older, are waiting to be approached, queried, interviewed, prompted. I think there's a failure to realize that most people have good intent, and would be willing to help out with advice and opinion, but this opportunity is rarely exploited.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
trippypig 8y ago
a child in the park said hello to me today she mustn't have been four years old not yet old enough to be scared of an old hobo sitting on a bench levity for my worn soul a barrel fire in blast winter cold so rare to feel something real i smiled a lot as a child i remember ms gibson her jocular bellow ‘ain't startin' this class ‘til that boy stops smiling’ the same ms gibson who said seriously this time ‘y’all poor, all of youse’ ‘y’all ain’t amount to nothin’ i guess she knew a teacher's clairvoyance look at me now: a hobo sitting on a bench how did i get here? how can i be so alone? that a small child's hello could move me so?

78 points by gadders 8y ago

welcome to the modern world! the media and other influences have done a great job in driving a wedge between all different types of people to the point that were all barely able to communicate let alone socialise or possibly make friends

tasticanal 8y ago
This. We think we socialise through apps, but in reality we are really alone.
- finaliteration 8y ago
  I definitely think that it makes being alone more painful. I stopped using Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat almost a year ago, and I just shut down Instagram about two months ago. It made me realize how much more I focused on how lonely I felt because I saw all of these interactions but it never felt like I was connected or intimate with anyone. I’m still lonely and spend a lot of time alone, but it doesn’t feel like it’s taunting me and driving me towards suicide out of despair.
yaps8 8y ago
It is really not the tone of the article: > There is a common stereotype that loneliness mainly strikes older, isolated people - and of course it can, and does. But the BBC survey found even higher levels of loneliness among younger people, and this pattern was the same in every country. > It's tempting to conclude that something about modern life is putting young people at a higher risk of loneliness, but when we asked older people in our survey about the loneliest times in their lives, they also said it was when they were young. > There are several reasons why younger people might feel lonelier. The years between 16 and 24 are often a time of transition where people move home, build their identities and try to find new friends. > Meanwhile, they've not had the chance to experience loneliness as something temporary, useful even, prompting us to find new friends or rekindle old friendships - 41% of people believe that loneliness can sometimes be a positive experience.
cyborgx7 8y ago
Friends aren't profitable. You are much easier to be exploited if you are by yourself.
- icebraining 8y ago
  Anecdotally, the people I know who socialize (IRL) the most also spend the most, often into debt. Friends pull you into expensive activities, provoke a need of one-upmanship, etc. Whereas the people who give up "the race" are often loners. (This is not an argument against having friends, mind you!) Of course, it could be argued that social networks are a way to re-engineer "friendships" so that they provoke the spending part (looking good on the feed, winning in stupid games, etc) without giving the satisfaction that one might get from just spending time with them.
  - cyborgx7 8y ago
    >Of course, it could be argued that social networks are a way to re-engineer "friendships" so that they provoke the spending part (looking good on the feed, winning in stupid games, etc) without giving the satisfaction that one might get from just spending time with them. I'm actually seing similar strategies employed all over the place. Ever brand wants to build a "community" around them. But they are not doing anything to foster the connection between members. Because if the members formed connections they could act in solidarity with eachother and actually gain some amount of power through collective action. No, the only part of "community" they foster is the loyalty aspect. Loyalty to the brand. Because that is the part that is profitable.
- gaspoweredcat 8y ago
  very true, not that friends dont exploit us too, its just done in more subtle ways so you often dont notice it. but i have a very different way of looking at the world than most

coldtea 8y ago

The key is intimacy, not mere headcount. And intimacy is superficial when the other is just an account on some social website. It's very easy to ignore the plight of the other, or tune out to more entertaining things.

dagw 8y ago
And intimacy is superficial when the other is just an account on some social website. This is far too sweeping a generalization. Some of the most intimate and trusting relationships I've ever formed where with people I met on Usenet.
code_duck 8y ago
I don’t find that people I relate to in person have significantly more ‘real’ feelings about me than people I know online.
- coldtea 8y ago
  Merely "relating to someone in person" is not intimacy. "Intimacy: close familiarity or friendship. "the intimacy between a husband and wife" synonyms: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, confidentiality, close association, close relationship, close attachment, close friendship, friendliness, comradeship, companionship, amity, affection, mutual affection, warmth, warm feelings, understanding, fellow feeling;" Some random coworker or some person you might meet at the coffee place once in a blue moon is not an "intimate" relationship either. But online-only relationships are hardly ever intimate.
  - code_duck 8y ago
    Okay, I agree with all of that too.
Broken_Hippo 8y ago
And intimacy is superficial when the other is just an account on some social website. It's very easy to ignore the plight of the other, or tune out to more entertaining things. Sure, it can be. Or it might be the opposite. I met my spouse playing some random online game. I moved across an ocean a few years after we met, and I'm still happy 5 years later. I have had friendships that are just as meaningful as the in-person friendships I've had. The only time it isn't possible to tune out the plight of others is when the others live with you. Even then, there are ways.

yaps8 8y ago

Being old and lonely / alone is really terrifying. > Jack still misses his late wife desperately. [...] "The weekend is a dismal time," says Jack. "The time can drag. I don't have any friends because all my friends are dead. All the ladies I loved are dead. At this age nearly everybody is dead - except me. I'm still here at 96-and-a-half."

stephengillie 8y ago
So make new friends. Old people are people.
- simplemts 8y ago
  It's hard to make friends with people and I'm in my 30s. I can't imagine how hard it would be to "find new people" when you are 90+ and probably can't even drive.
  - yaps8 8y ago
    It think it's also hard because at this point you don't want to make new friends beside smalltalk (which he does). Imagine having been with your spouse for 60 years, your friends 40-80 years (?), your children I guess at least 40 years, having a new friend has nothing to do with this, you will never know them this good and neither will they.
    - stephengillie 8y ago
      When we make better the enemy of good, there's no end to what we can't do.
  - charlesdm 8y ago
    My grandfather, who is 85, made a new friend a few months ago. He's in his 80s as well. So it's definitely possible!
    - astura 8y ago

Cthulhu_ 8y ago

I think this is a major factor why I'm afraid to leave my job and find something more fulfilling and better paying; at this moment, without my job and colleagues (and the light casual interactions I have during the day), my social life would be reduced to some online friends (who are lately only intermittently active themselves) and my cat. I'm sure I'd be able to rebuild, and it might even be a good development in the long run both socially and financially, but in the short term it'll be a problem. But that's how it goes. Every time I (/ one) leaves their school or job or the place they live, most of the people you see daily will be out of your life completely. I'm not the type to really reach out like "hey you wanna hang out", but then apparently nobody else is either so idk if it's just me.

charlesdm 8y ago
You might want to go out more then, and try to connect with people over shared activities and interests. The people you work with generally are not friends -- while I've met interesting and nice people over the years in a professional context, it's not common for me to find those relationships meaningful.
- Cthulhu_ 8y ago
  The challenge there is that most of those shared activities and interests are kinda solitary as well, video games and such. One part of thinking about getting a different job would be to have more free time to expand my activities.
  - ido 8y ago
    Try board games! Close enough to computer games but social.
    - gdhbcc 8y ago
      Can confirm. I got a board games group and we meet almost every week and sometimes multiple times a week. Its also a good jumping off point for other activities

waterhouse 8y ago

Proposed definition: Loneliness is needing some kind of interaction from other people, and not getting it. Proposed understanding: People likely need to have enough of each of several different kinds of interaction (analogy: nutrients), and different people need different amounts of them. Kinds of interaction that at least some people need probably include: intellectual, sharing of problems, "merely seeing another human's face", romantic, sexual, sharing of hobbies/interests...

tcbawo 8y ago
I believe that loneliness comes from lacking people that are emotionally invested in you. The strongest bonds and closest relationships people tend to have are family (blood and marriage), which often come with a high cost to sever. The easier it is to walk away, the more superficial the relationship. Loneliness is a realization (or fear) that nobody is there when you need them. It isn't a modern problem, but modern life seems to be exacerbating it.

Theodores 8y ago

Some of the loneliest people are those faces you see on television. Some of them have no real friends even though they are mixing it with the celebrity famous types and have adoring fans. In reality they might have their parents and that is it for support, then those parents might be the pushy types that wanted superstar kids so not the best type of loving parents. This absence and loneliness is hard to imagine given the public persona. Seemingly they have it all. But, after the studio lights go down they get bundled off into a taxi, to get driven home. Meanwhile the rest of the production crew pack up and go to the pub because 'it is a wrap'. The production crew will also be professional in that they will respect the 'talent' (people in front of camera are 'talent') and not make clumsy, unprofessional advances. This is not always the case, in Hollywood women are still expected to sleep with the producer or director to keep getting the roles, however, this is the exception, your average lighting engineer or sound guy will have nothing but professional respect. These lonely stars of TV also don't really relate to their fans, it is a different world they work in and know. It is also a one-way relationship, a fan may know everything about the lonely 'star' but the 'star' will know nothing of the fan's life. So sometimes you do get major 'A list' celebrities types hitching their wagon to some member of the crew who can relate to them. Because of how TV gigs are freelance there is also no feeling for the 'talent' that they are part of a company thing. They are just hired for the day, with no continuity. They also might have to spend half their time on location or living in hotels, in this way they end up with no community and don't know their neighbours. Then youth gets extinguished and the wrinkles set in... So then the gigs are few and far between. Life becomes a struggle. Think of how many celebrity types from TV and music die horrifically alone. Or with a substance abuse problem for company. It happens all the time. Despite the millions of fans they can end up knowing nobody with nobody to trust. Margaret Thatcher died as a very lonely woman, yet once their was a time when the world would hang on her every word, albeit to probably hate her. Her family didn't care, however, due to being a former Prime Minister she did have police protection until the bitter end. Yet nobody could even be bothered to throw insults at her, and, as every narcissist knows, hate is at least 'attention'. She wasn't even getting that during her final days, a cruel and unusual punishment. Tony Blair is probably in the same predicament, I found his autobiography at the local tip the other day and I am sure that is indicative of how people feel about the 'once great man'. At the other end of the scale are people that work and live in a small community, e.g. village sized, know everyone, have lovely family, a life long partner and not a lot of material riches. These are some of the happiest and least lonely people in the world. They might not have got very far, e.g. to spend their working life as a local builder, they might not know anyone famous and yet they have all the ingredients for the rewarding life that eludes those faces on TV that seem to have it all. In an age when everyone seeks superstardom - 'get rich or die trying' - the local folk that 'did not get very far' are having the last laugh.

Hard_Space 8y ago

Above a certain age, you need to make a determined effort to meet new friends. My partner and I both work freelance, and so we are aware of the potential to cloister up, particularly in a cold eastern European winter. So we make definite effort to meet new people, go for drinks or dinner, and maintain and develop such friendships and give them a chance.

hd4 8y ago
Above a certain age I've wondered about this a lot. I don't think our generation (I'm assuming most of us are millenials) operates in this regard in the way even our parents did and other than the prevalence of social media and possibly because of more diverse demographics, I can't really understand why that is. Why do we suddenly get very inward-looking in our 30s when it comes to forming new friendships, especially among the more affluent?
- a008t 8y ago
  When you are in full-time education (school, university) friendships come naturally from the people you share the experience with. Work doesn't have the same effect because being professional usually implies not combining work with fun and not getting personally close to people. So when you are in your 30s, you have limited time and limited opportunities to make friends. If you don't spend a lot of time hanging out with someone it is tough to make really good connections. Other factors come into play as well - comparing yourself to others, more niche interests, lack of desire to invest time, having a partner, etc.
- compcoffee 8y ago
  >Why do we suddenly get very inward-looking in our 30s when it comes to forming new friendships This is typically the time when you or those in your age cohort are focusing on their families. Time is at a premium.
  - buboard 8y ago
    It happens equally to single people.

dijit 8y ago

I still have my IRC friends. That might sound sad to you, dear reader, but the bonds are strong. We've gone through life together. Being primarily online means I can "uproot" and move anywhere. Sure, I miss going and having a beer or a hackathon, but flights are fairly cheap so we can do it once a while and those interactions are actually better for that. I am super lucky to have what amounts to a social group that's been around 15+ years. I wonder if this level of interaction is enough for everyone or if I'll have some weird breakdown in 5 years.

agumonkey 8y ago

Scream. Express yourself. That's how you get out of loneliness. It's awkward if not painful for many (including me) but based on my own experience that's how you solve it.

sbov 8y ago

Finding a good neighborhood helps a lot with this. We've made more friends in a couple years in the suburbs than the 8 we lived in SF. We know everyone on our block. We all go out after work so people's kids can play with eachother in our street - even people without kids come out to chat about things. People invite others over to BBQ. And so on.

rimliu 8y ago

Now when I think about it, I spend a lot of my time alone. I lived alone from 17 to 37, I parted ways with my only true friend when I was 24… yet I do not recall being horribly lonely. And I think people should learn to spend more time alone and, most important, undistracted. It looks like many are afraid ot the silence, or the voices from within they'd hear if they are alone and in silence. Forget your headphones (and maybe phone too) and go for a half-days walk. You may find something interesting even without going to the new places.

umichguy 8y ago
" And I think people should learn to spend more time alone and, most important, undistracted. It looks like many are afraid ot the silence, or the voices from within they'd hear if they are alone and in silence." I am totally guilty of this. I really just can't sit in a silent environment without going crazy. At least need music. My GF and I broke up after a 2yr long relationship, having shared an apartment. She left and moved to a different city, coming home to an empty place after a long day at work was a bit too much sometimes, especially during the weekends. So when the contract ended I actually moved into a house share, where I like the company, there is usually someone always around. I am 35 and have never ever lived in a place by myself, apart from when I was in a relationship or something.

a008t 8y ago

I think the way the internet has changed in the last decade has contributed to loneliness significantly. 10-15 years ago, the internet was full of small independent communities: message boards, IRC channels, chat rooms of all kinds, etc. You could really "hang out" with the same people and get to know them. But something killed pretty much all of them. Instead we have centralized "social media" that is at best all about narcissism and self-promotion. Sites like Reddit where there is too many people and everyone converges to a single "hive-mind", you cannot have someone reply to an interesting post you made years ago, and that really take the humanity out of the whole thing (like Facebook or Tinder or what not). Even HN is problematic in this regard - it is good for the purpose it exists for, but you cannot have any sort of casual threads or discussions just to get any sort of rapport within the community. Even messengers have somehow become worse in this regard. Yahoo/MSN messengers, ICQ etc. were somehow all about having connections with online friends. Maybe it is just me, but there just doesn't seem to be an option that works for this as well nowadays. Or at least people do not seem to use the existing options in the same way.

dexen 8y ago
> message boards, IRC channels, chat rooms of all kinds, etc > But something killed pretty much all of them. Not in the least. Interest-driven, channel-centric communities are alive and kicking, from IRC through Discord, Steam and other gaming communities, to Youtube/BitChute comment sections (nasty as they may be) and new meta-/platforms like Mastodon or Minds.com. What has changed is the expanded version of Eternal September - influx of newcommers who join the ?book / ?gram / ?itter du jour, enjoy the interface candy and the occasional outrage, and are very slow to - or even fail to - explore the wider net of chats and other communities. It certainly doesn't help that media tend to paint all non-mainstream platforms as dark, scarry underbelly of the internet with nothing of value to offer, best to be avoided. [1] The slow filtering in of new users into smaller communities is not even necessarily a bad thing, as quick influx of newcommers to interest communities can easily disrupt them to the point of derailing. The IRC and the likes being a cozy hangout where friendships are forged and projects are kicked off isn't based on a particular technical quirk of the IRC protocol or clients. It's all thanks to the established, cozy & social culture[2] being able to take in a certain amount of newcomers, guide them in and let them grow into part of the community. Moving too fast tends to break things. [1] the smartphone is also partly to blame, as it's much less comfortable for extended back-and-forth conversations than a computer; IMO it's more of a prepackaged content consumption terminal. But that's a personal, debatable opinion. [2] certain glaring exceptions notwithstanding

havetocharge 8y ago

In my view, a significant factor in people feeling lonely is due to the unwillingness of most to reach out to others. Many people, and in my experience younger ones more than older, are waiting to be approached, queried, interviewed, prompted. I think there's a failure to realize that most people have good intent, and would be willing to help out with advice and opinion, but this opportunity is rarely exploited.

deleted 8y ago

[deleted]

trippypig 8y ago

a child in the park said hello to me today she mustn't have been four years old not yet old enough to be scared of an old hobo sitting on a bench levity for my worn soul a barrel fire in blast winter cold so rare to feel something real i smiled a lot as a child i remember ms gibson her jocular bellow ‘ain't startin' this class ‘til that boy stops smiling’ the same ms gibson who said seriously this time ‘y’all poor, all of youse’ ‘y’all ain’t amount to nothin’ i guess she knew a teacher's clairvoyance look at me now: a hobo sitting on a bench how did i get here? how can i be so alone? that a small child's hello could move me so?