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> Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. No, you're just falling foul of a dynamic that preexists you. Women giving men compliments is, for the most part, interpreted

> Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. No, you're just falling foul of a dynamic that preexists you. Women giving men compliments is, for the most part, interpreted as a come-on. It's not fair, and it hinders the frank communication between men and women that makes really healthy social environments such a joy to operate in, but it's the case more often than not.

compcoffee 8y ago
>Women giving men compliments is, for the most part, interpreted as a come-on. It's not fair Umm..I'm pretty sure men complementing women have it a lot worse.
- crispinb 8y ago
  Not in my experience. If a woman does interpret a compliment as an approach, they are very unlikely to act as if that gives them carte blanche to behave proprietorially towards the complimenting party from that point on. It's hard to imagine the experience @DoreenMichelle reports happening to a man. Some 'compliments' are of course thinly-disguised acts of creepiness. Different category altogether, and dead easy to spot for people within a normal range of emotional intelligence. I compliment people (men & women alike) quite frequently. Usually on their work, sometimes on their behaviour in other respects, less commonly on appearance. When directed towards a woman, not once has this been interpreted (AFAIK) as a come-on or unwarranted approach. By and large people can tell when you're being friendly with a light touch, and without an agenda.
  - ryanwaggoner 8y ago
    I am so confused...it sounds to me from the story not that she complimented someone who then starting acting like a psycho. It sounds like she complimented someone, things grew from there, they had an actual physical affair, and then he started acting like a psycho. Why is the compliment even remotely relevant to this chain of events? Do we imagine that if he made the first move he wouldn’t have turned out to be a psycho later? Or that psychos never make the first move? Maybe I just misread the story.
maroonblazer 8y ago
Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. I was in this position a few years ago and interpreted her complements as a romantic interest in me. I explored the situation by asking her out to lunch, inquiring as to whether she was dating, etc. I learned she had a boyfriend and that she was happy in the relationship so I backed off. Admittedly it's anecdotal but I believe that there are simple and effective ways for both sexes to communicate interest, availability (or lack thereof) while still managing to remain respectful of yourself and others.
- funkaster 8y ago
  > Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. wat? maybe I'm really off here. but someone telling me I have nice eyes, or look fit, or she likes my outfit, I really would not interpret that as hitting on. Do you only make compliments to women when you're sexually/romantically attracted to them? (I'm genuinely curious). I personally do not, and I would be very upset if those comments were interpreted as trying to hit on someone.
  - maroonblazer 8y ago
    No, I don't restrict my compliments to only those I'm interested in romantically. Nor do I restrict them to just women. I also don't interpret every compliment I receive as a romantic advance.
  - quacked 8y ago
    No, but the problem is that compliments from women are a very common way for them to indicate interest- so you have a set of "compliments from women", of which a subset is "compliments from women that are actually them hinting they're into you", and you need to have a lot of experience and be sensitive to subtle cues to tell which is which.

compcoffee 8y ago

>Women giving men compliments is, for the most part, interpreted as a come-on. It's not fair Umm..I'm pretty sure men complementing women have it a lot worse.

crispinb 8y ago
Not in my experience. If a woman does interpret a compliment as an approach, they are very unlikely to act as if that gives them carte blanche to behave proprietorially towards the complimenting party from that point on. It's hard to imagine the experience @DoreenMichelle reports happening to a man. Some 'compliments' are of course thinly-disguised acts of creepiness. Different category altogether, and dead easy to spot for people within a normal range of emotional intelligence. I compliment people (men & women alike) quite frequently. Usually on their work, sometimes on their behaviour in other respects, less commonly on appearance. When directed towards a woman, not once has this been interpreted (AFAIK) as a come-on or unwarranted approach. By and large people can tell when you're being friendly with a light touch, and without an agenda.
- ryanwaggoner 8y ago
  I am so confused...it sounds to me from the story not that she complimented someone who then starting acting like a psycho. It sounds like she complimented someone, things grew from there, they had an actual physical affair, and then he started acting like a psycho. Why is the compliment even remotely relevant to this chain of events? Do we imagine that if he made the first move he wouldn’t have turned out to be a psycho later? Or that psychos never make the first move? Maybe I just misread the story.

maroonblazer 8y ago

Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. I was in this position a few years ago and interpreted her complements as a romantic interest in me. I explored the situation by asking her out to lunch, inquiring as to whether she was dating, etc. I learned she had a boyfriend and that she was happy in the relationship so I backed off. Admittedly it's anecdotal but I believe that there are simple and effective ways for both sexes to communicate interest, availability (or lack thereof) while still managing to remain respectful of yourself and others.

funkaster 8y ago
> Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. wat? maybe I'm really off here. but someone telling me I have nice eyes, or look fit, or she likes my outfit, I really would not interpret that as hitting on. Do you only make compliments to women when you're sexually/romantically attracted to them? (I'm genuinely curious). I personally do not, and I would be very upset if those comments were interpreted as trying to hit on someone.
- maroonblazer 8y ago
  No, I don't restrict my compliments to only those I'm interested in romantically. Nor do I restrict them to just women. I also don't interpret every compliment I receive as a romantic advance.
- quacked 8y ago
  No, but the problem is that compliments from women are a very common way for them to indicate interest- so you have a set of "compliments from women", of which a subset is "compliments from women that are actually them hinting they're into you", and you need to have a lot of experience and be sensitive to subtle cues to tell which is which.