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Sorry you had to go through such a shitty aftermath. That sounds terrifying. It sounds like he took the compliment as a sign that you were really serious about

Sorry you had to go through such a shitty aftermath. That sounds terrifying. It sounds like he took the compliment as a sign that you were really serious about him and the relationship, whereas you intended it just as a statement about his eyes. The “nutcase levels of obsessed” part sounds like a pre-existing problem / part of this guy’s temperament, rather than a normal response to receiving compliments. The people I know who attracted stalkers didn’t so far as I know trigger them with any particular action. Dunno, I’m not a psychologist. I would be interested to hear more about this kind of compliment-as-behavior-switch in other kinds of circumstances.

DoreenMichele 8y ago
I think a key detail is he wasn't especially good looking and I complimented him on a physical trait. I've known lots of people over the years who had baggage over X and who made X into some big damn deal where it was impossible to say you liked them without it going weird places. Short men do this a lot and make it impossible to say "Eh, your height doesn't bother me, but I like X about you." Men who see themselves as ugly do this. Men who are heavyset and hung up about it. Etc ad nauseum. At some point, my personal policy became "Sorry you have so much baggage. I'm not your goddamned therapist. I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole, not because you are short, but because, Oh. My. God. BTDT, got the t-shirt and life is too short for this shit, geez." People paint themselves into a corner and make it impossible for other people to make X trait into a non issue. And then it becomes this hill to die on and god help you if you stupidly are oblivious and genuinely didn't think they were too short, too ugly or whatever.
- compcoffee 8y ago
  >"Short men do this a lot and make it impossible to say "Eh, your height doesn't bother me, but I like X about you." Men who see themselves as ugly do this." Wait, you think telling someone, "Don't worry, your ugliness doesn't bother me. After all, you're friendly!" is a reasonable thing to say someone? That's the exact opposite of making X trait a non-issue.
  - deleted 8y ago
    [deleted]
  - thecatspaw 8y ago
    I think this is a response after they complained about their own height. "oh man, why am I so short?" - "hey man, that doesnt bother me at all, you look great none the less"
    - DoreenMichele 8y ago
      More like you can't say "I like you" because all they talk about 24/7 is how no one will date someone their height. You would practically need to give a sworn affidavit that you didn't care. They don't let you avoid the issue by talking about anything else at all. It becomes a case of "No one loves me because of my big hairy wart. Want to see my big hairy wart? Let me tell you how many hairs it has. I've actually named all the hairs. This grey one is called George. It's vastly uglier than the other hairs because it's grey..." Ad nauseum, making it absolutely impossible to go "My, what lovely hands you have. Gosh, that's a terrific jacket and it really goes well with your eyes. Want to have coffee sometime?" They basically insist you love their wart upfront in a way that just makes the entire thing a non starter no matter how hard you try to avoid the topic of their wart and focus on other things. No, their wart is their entire dating identity and only someone with a wart fetish could possibly figure out how to work things out with them.
  - tasuki 8y ago
    > "Don't worry, your ugliness doesn't bother me. After all, you're friendly!" I had someone say pretty much this to me at work. It startled me but for some reason wasn't a problem. I've since noticed many successful, well-liked (rich, famous) people are quite ugly.
- thecatspaw 8y ago
  I know you deleted your other comment, but I'd still like to respond to one point about it. I hope that doesnt give you any troubles, if so, please mention it and I will delete my comment. > He made it absolutely impossible to tell him I liked him without it going really terrible places. I feel for him. I do have ADHD as well, and it is very hard for me to accept compliments. I was also bullied in school which I assume also plays into this. Everytime someone compliments me, I feel like I am getting set up for a joke. Raising your hopes, and then slashing them in the most hurtfull way possible. "Oh wait, you actually thought I like your eyes? lmao you're such an idiot" But I do also agree that you're not his therapist, and that he probably should have talked to his therapist(which I assume he saw for his adhd) about it. I did. Its great.
  - DoreenMichele 8y ago
    Pro tip: Go ahead and "take the bait." The assholes who are merely setting you up will out themselves as assholes and you can stop wondering. You can also not take it personally because they are assholes. They are telling you who they are, not who you are. And then the non assholes will finally have a chance to connect with you in a genuine way without having to try to wrestle you to the ground and cram a compliment down your throat against your will. Because I assure you, healthy people won't do that. If you set your boundaries to "Fuck you and get the hell away from me" healthy people will stay the hell away. The only people who will try to get close will be people with serious issues and it becomes self fulfilling prophecy. I'm not comfortable with compliments either. Most people are perfectly fine with being told that as an explanation for lack of ability to graciously accept a compliment and then they don't have to wonder if you think they did something wrong. Anyway, I think I'm done here. Too many people seem to feel I need "advice" or whatever and I don't.
    - thecatspaw 8y ago
      > You can also not take it personally I cant. Malfunction of the executive functions make it pretty hard to relativize it. Initially I am gonna think, wow, thanks, I guess my eyes do suck, and so do I. Usually people would try to think about it again and be able to relativize it "wait, why did he say that? wow, what an asshole thing to say". But I get stuck in that "I guess you're right" feeling. > Go ahead and "take the bait." This is very hard to do, but I am working on it. Its not easy to overcome a childhood trauma though, and trust people again. It took me about half a year to finally open up to my therapist. Learning to trust again, and let yourself be vulnerable is terrible hard after learning for 10 years that its the wrong thing to do, you cant "just do it" I didnt mean to give any unsolicited advice, apologies
- tonyarkles 8y ago
  You know, that was one of the first things I thought too, having been on the other side of it. Compliments from women to men can be exceptionally rare, and when they do show up they can have a pretty profound impact. Of course, that perpetuates the cycle because women see that men overreact to simple compliments and are hesitant to give them. Compliments become more rare and... here we are. I’m truly sorry for what you had to go through. That really sucks.
  - amphibian87 8y ago
    I get compliments from women all the time. Never on my appearance, but I think I'm handsome. It's always something genuine like my art I post in social media or a cool shirt I happen to be wearing, or that I'm always genteel. I think it depends on your culture of course but from my experience it's a weekly occurrence.

DoreenMichele 8y ago

I think a key detail is he wasn't especially good looking and I complimented him on a physical trait. I've known lots of people over the years who had baggage over X and who made X into some big damn deal where it was impossible to say you liked them without it going weird places. Short men do this a lot and make it impossible to say "Eh, your height doesn't bother me, but I like X about you." Men who see themselves as ugly do this. Men who are heavyset and hung up about it. Etc ad nauseum. At some point, my personal policy became "Sorry you have so much baggage. I'm not your goddamned therapist. I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole, not because you are short, but because, Oh. My. God. BTDT, got the t-shirt and life is too short for this shit, geez." People paint themselves into a corner and make it impossible for other people to make X trait into a non issue. And then it becomes this hill to die on and god help you if you stupidly are oblivious and genuinely didn't think they were too short, too ugly or whatever.

compcoffee 8y ago
>"Short men do this a lot and make it impossible to say "Eh, your height doesn't bother me, but I like X about you." Men who see themselves as ugly do this." Wait, you think telling someone, "Don't worry, your ugliness doesn't bother me. After all, you're friendly!" is a reasonable thing to say someone? That's the exact opposite of making X trait a non-issue.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- thecatspaw 8y ago
  I think this is a response after they complained about their own height. "oh man, why am I so short?" - "hey man, that doesnt bother me at all, you look great none the less"
  - DoreenMichele 8y ago
    More like you can't say "I like you" because all they talk about 24/7 is how no one will date someone their height. You would practically need to give a sworn affidavit that you didn't care. They don't let you avoid the issue by talking about anything else at all. It becomes a case of "No one loves me because of my big hairy wart. Want to see my big hairy wart? Let me tell you how many hairs it has. I've actually named all the hairs. This grey one is called George. It's vastly uglier than the other hairs because it's grey..." Ad nauseum, making it absolutely impossible to go "My, what lovely hands you have. Gosh, that's a terrific jacket and it really goes well with your eyes. Want to have coffee sometime?" They basically insist you love their wart upfront in a way that just makes the entire thing a non starter no matter how hard you try to avoid the topic of their wart and focus on other things. No, their wart is their entire dating identity and only someone with a wart fetish could possibly figure out how to work things out with them.
- tasuki 8y ago
  > "Don't worry, your ugliness doesn't bother me. After all, you're friendly!" I had someone say pretty much this to me at work. It startled me but for some reason wasn't a problem. I've since noticed many successful, well-liked (rich, famous) people are quite ugly.
thecatspaw 8y ago
I know you deleted your other comment, but I'd still like to respond to one point about it. I hope that doesnt give you any troubles, if so, please mention it and I will delete my comment. > He made it absolutely impossible to tell him I liked him without it going really terrible places. I feel for him. I do have ADHD as well, and it is very hard for me to accept compliments. I was also bullied in school which I assume also plays into this. Everytime someone compliments me, I feel like I am getting set up for a joke. Raising your hopes, and then slashing them in the most hurtfull way possible. "Oh wait, you actually thought I like your eyes? lmao you're such an idiot" But I do also agree that you're not his therapist, and that he probably should have talked to his therapist(which I assume he saw for his adhd) about it. I did. Its great.
- DoreenMichele 8y ago
  Pro tip: Go ahead and "take the bait." The assholes who are merely setting you up will out themselves as assholes and you can stop wondering. You can also not take it personally because they are assholes. They are telling you who they are, not who you are. And then the non assholes will finally have a chance to connect with you in a genuine way without having to try to wrestle you to the ground and cram a compliment down your throat against your will. Because I assure you, healthy people won't do that. If you set your boundaries to "Fuck you and get the hell away from me" healthy people will stay the hell away. The only people who will try to get close will be people with serious issues and it becomes self fulfilling prophecy. I'm not comfortable with compliments either. Most people are perfectly fine with being told that as an explanation for lack of ability to graciously accept a compliment and then they don't have to wonder if you think they did something wrong. Anyway, I think I'm done here. Too many people seem to feel I need "advice" or whatever and I don't.
  - thecatspaw 8y ago
    > You can also not take it personally I cant. Malfunction of the executive functions make it pretty hard to relativize it. Initially I am gonna think, wow, thanks, I guess my eyes do suck, and so do I. Usually people would try to think about it again and be able to relativize it "wait, why did he say that? wow, what an asshole thing to say". But I get stuck in that "I guess you're right" feeling. > Go ahead and "take the bait." This is very hard to do, but I am working on it. Its not easy to overcome a childhood trauma though, and trust people again. It took me about half a year to finally open up to my therapist. Learning to trust again, and let yourself be vulnerable is terrible hard after learning for 10 years that its the wrong thing to do, you cant "just do it" I didnt mean to give any unsolicited advice, apologies
tonyarkles 8y ago
You know, that was one of the first things I thought too, having been on the other side of it. Compliments from women to men can be exceptionally rare, and when they do show up they can have a pretty profound impact. Of course, that perpetuates the cycle because women see that men overreact to simple compliments and are hesitant to give them. Compliments become more rare and... here we are. I’m truly sorry for what you had to go through. That really sucks.
- amphibian87 8y ago
  I get compliments from women all the time. Never on my appearance, but I think I'm handsome. It's always something genuine like my art I post in social media or a cool shirt I happen to be wearing, or that I'm always genteel. I think it depends on your culture of course but from my experience it's a weekly occurrence.