11 ms·

These are true stories. I don't wish to come across as bragging. The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the bes

These are true stories. I don't wish to come across as bragging. The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the best engineer he ever knew. And he worked for some pretty well known engineering firms. If he had told me that before, I might not have left. A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around to her telling me how depressed she was about her life and loves. After maybe 10 minutes, she thanked me for being such a good listener and said something about I was just so charismatic. I almost fell out of my chair. I taught electronics at a trade school to a morning class for a couple of years. There were hundreds of students, and I knew I was a good teacher, but I didn't think the students thought once about me when they went home. On my last day of work, one of the guys asked me to give a special last lecture on a topic. As I walked into the room, I was followed by students from my class, the afternoon class and the evening class! They filled the room and presented me with a fairly expensive bottle of whiskey. I've had a few girls tell me, after it was too late, that they always had a crush on me. Well, I was interested in them, too. If someone would have just said something sooner, life, for me, would be totally different now.

draw_down 8y ago
I can certainly relate. But the thing is, a lot of times people don't say anything. And life can sometimes require us to be a bit bolder than we otherwise would be, to get what we want.
davemp 8y ago
This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks. For a small communication effort, you may make a big enough impact for your compliment to be remembered for years. Maybe the person will even smile to themselves and write a nice HN comment about it! (or not quit your company)...
- edgarvaldes 8y ago
  After a presentation about the software we built the last year for internal consumption (something we do twice a year -the talk, I mean), this high-rank guy come to my office and told me I was a really good presentator and that "We are wasting your talents, you must give more talks or training". I did not expect that. I felt very grateful for his words.
- DoreenMichele 8y ago
  This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks I've been seriously and repeatedly burned for doing that. I then spent years dialing it back. I'm 53 and only just now working on figuring out how to do that again without letting it turn into some shit show where everyone treats me like I'm their bitch. Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly turned into a psycho asshole monster and made me wish I never met him. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. But my feeling is there are reasons most people don't gush at you until your last day in their life as you leave: Because so many people promptly act like monkeys do if humans make the mistake of feeding them and just make your life a living hell over the crime of trying to be nice.
  - jacobolus 8y ago
    > Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly turned into a psycho asshole monster and made me wish I never met him. I have seen / heard of many guys getting complimented over the years (including myself a few times), and never heard of one of them turning into a “psycho”, “asshole”, or ”monster”. A couple times I saw a guy get complimented out of the blue and then kind of stammer something and hurry away looking embarrassed, because he didn’t have any idea how to respond. A couple times I have seen men brush off / refuse compliments it looked like because they wanted to seem modest (e.g. “oh it was really no big deal, please don’t think anything of it...” after someone had just directly said their action was very helpful/meaningful). Once I saw a guy get complimented and respond “yeah, everyone says the same thing”, which I admit is a pretty obnoxious response. I have also heard plenty of stories of guys who were monsters (physical abusers, stalkers, spreaders of nasty rumors ...), but to my knowledge none of those came out of a compliment. I believe you, but I’m having trouble imagining quite what happened. Maybe you can elaborate a bit? Do you mean that those men turned around and demanded something more from you? Stopped treating you with basic respect? Wouldn’t talk to you anymore? Chased you around? ...
    - DoreenMichele 8y ago
      I don't want to get into a lot of details, but I will give one example. I had an affair in my twenties with a man whose life could have been absolutely ruined because of it. He wasn't especially good looking, but he had beautiful blue eyes and I had a thing for blue eyes and told him how much I liked his blue eyes. We were not sleeping together at the time and it wasn't an unreasonable thing to say, given circumstances. This was a huge turning point in the relationship and he ended up nutcase levels of obsessed with me. This man is the reason I did not use my first and last name online for many years -- because it is a fairly unique combination and I didn't want to be easily and readily found by him. Five years after I ditched him, he hired a fucking detective to track me down and called my house where I answered the goddamned phone in front of my children, like that isn't awkward as all hell. No, he hadn't filed for divorce from his alcoholic wife. No, he hadn't left his incredibly conservative career. No, he absolutely was not in any position whatsoever to say "Oops, sorry. You can move in with me." if his phone call outed me to my husband and resulted in a divorce. I'm not exaggerating when I say psycho asshole monster. It's only not been more of a debacle because avoiding drama is one of my skills, thankfully.
- relyio 8y ago
  >This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks. That's what I try to do. Sometimes people take it as insincere flattery because I guess they think it is sarcasm at first. But I do mean it, every time!
- m3kw9 8y ago
  If you tell someone how you feel and goes awry, some people cannot handle it. This is prime reason people don’t tell their feelings.
Balgair 8y ago
Also, not trying to brag: I've also been told similar things, usually by people that thought less of me (or so I thought, sometimes for years). Typically it's a 'last day' phenomenon. I've had a fair few experiences where I was leaving a place and thought everyone had hated me, but, like you, I was totally wrong. There is one glaring exception though: my winter coat. It's really the only piece of clothing that I have consistently received unsolicited compliments on. It's an old Swedish army surplus wool first-class greatcoat. As it's army surplus, it comes in nearly every size, so it fits me like a glove, and is fairly cheap[0]. It's a lesson I've tried to learn: dress well. However, in my own 'experiments' only the coat gets the compliments, not nice shoes or shirts or ties. You kinda have to dress 2 levels higher to get noticed enough for others to say anything. Dunno if that helps at all with this issue. [0]https://www.surplusandoutdoors.com/greatcoat-swedish-airforce-wool-387144.html https://www.surplusandoutdoors.com/greatcoat-swedish-airforc... (something like this)
- make3 8y ago
  or maybe it's just customary to tell anyone you think they are cool, really enjoyed working with them and wish them the best when they leave
  - deleted 8y ago
    [deleted]
  - taejo 8y ago
    Or somewhere in between: most people like something about you, so in a context where compliments are called for they can make a genuine one, even if they don't feel that great about you overall.
- liveoneggs 8y ago
  cool coat, though
- kulahan 8y ago
  Holy crap, I'd expect a coat like that to be $150 easily.
hyperpallium 8y ago
> Well, I was interested in them, too. If you would have just said something sooner, life, for you, would be totally different now.
- grecht 8y ago
  That's exactly what I thought. What's the harm in just telling them? He makes it sound like it was completely out of his control.
  - toxik 8y ago
    I think there are pretty obvious difficulties with telling coworkers you’ve a crush on them.
    - grecht 8y ago
      I think you got that wrong, he didn't say they were coworkers. But sure, that'd be very different.
      - akvadrako 8y ago
        No it wouldn't.
        Regardsyjc 8y ago
        A coworker stared at my boobs for a little too long and I felt immediately uncomfortable and put a jacket on. If he ever expressed interest in a romantic relationship, I would feel really uncomfortable, and probably quit.
    - chrshawkes 8y ago
      Not really, direct communication, eye contact etc... If one cannot do that, facebook friend them and try to tell them that way. The worst they say is they are not interested. It's a numbers game.
megaremote 8y ago
I wouldn't necessarily put too much evidence in what people tell you on your last few days. Not too say rule it out, and the bottle of whiskey is something hard to deny.
mehrdadn 8y ago
Reminds me of a video I saw: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqq1roF4C8s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqq1roF4C8s
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
gaius 8y ago
At my previous job on my last day there was no one in my reporting line around so I went to the group next door and asked their manager if I could hand in my company BB and credit card to him instead. He was bemused but said OK. An hour later I get a call, I have to come over there urgently. When I get there, that guy has organised me a leaving party on the fly. There were 30 people, cakes, and a card full of nice messages. Several people made speeches. I was totally blown away, he didn’t need to do that at all. If I had worked for that guy I probably never would have left... I've had a few girls tell me, after it was too late, that they always had a crush on me. This started happening to me after I got married.
- EADGBE 8y ago
  > This started happening to me after I got married. This seems common. I'd bet that they feel safer admitting this after the fact; not wanting you to assume that you should pursue a relationship with them.
- pm90 8y ago
  > This started happening to me after I got married. Social signalling is very important. The fact that you're married is a signal to others that you're stable/good/OK enough that another human being has committed to spend their life with you, to start a family with you, to be exclusive with you etc. It is signalling maturity which many folks find calming and attractive.
vlasev 8y ago
Now can you imagine...in someone's eyes, you are the person they are not even sure if he likes them or appreciates them or not!
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
emodendroket 8y ago
> A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around to her telling me how depressed she was about her life and loves. After maybe 10 minutes, she thanked me for being such a good listener and said something about I was just so charismatic. I almost fell out of my chair. I get this a lot too despite not being any great conversationalist. I think in some sense people who don't talk too much are blessed with being perceived as great listeners.
chrshawkes 8y ago
The lesson here I think should be to not make assumptions about what others think of you. In your case, you assumed these girls were not interested in you but you say they should have told you, maybe you should have told them and it would have been even better?

draw_down 8y ago

I can certainly relate. But the thing is, a lot of times people don't say anything. And life can sometimes require us to be a bit bolder than we otherwise would be, to get what we want.

davemp 8y ago

This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks. For a small communication effort, you may make a big enough impact for your compliment to be remembered for years. Maybe the person will even smile to themselves and write a nice HN comment about it! (or not quit your company)...

edgarvaldes 8y ago
After a presentation about the software we built the last year for internal consumption (something we do twice a year -the talk, I mean), this high-rank guy come to my office and told me I was a really good presentator and that "We are wasting your talents, you must give more talks or training". I did not expect that. I felt very grateful for his words.
DoreenMichele 8y ago
This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks I've been seriously and repeatedly burned for doing that. I then spent years dialing it back. I'm 53 and only just now working on figuring out how to do that again without letting it turn into some shit show where everyone treats me like I'm their bitch. Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly turned into a psycho asshole monster and made me wish I never met him. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. But my feeling is there are reasons most people don't gush at you until your last day in their life as you leave: Because so many people promptly act like monkeys do if humans make the mistake of feeding them and just make your life a living hell over the crime of trying to be nice.
- jacobolus 8y ago
  > Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly turned into a psycho asshole monster and made me wish I never met him. I have seen / heard of many guys getting complimented over the years (including myself a few times), and never heard of one of them turning into a “psycho”, “asshole”, or ”monster”. A couple times I saw a guy get complimented out of the blue and then kind of stammer something and hurry away looking embarrassed, because he didn’t have any idea how to respond. A couple times I have seen men brush off / refuse compliments it looked like because they wanted to seem modest (e.g. “oh it was really no big deal, please don’t think anything of it...” after someone had just directly said their action was very helpful/meaningful). Once I saw a guy get complimented and respond “yeah, everyone says the same thing”, which I admit is a pretty obnoxious response. I have also heard plenty of stories of guys who were monsters (physical abusers, stalkers, spreaders of nasty rumors ...), but to my knowledge none of those came out of a compliment. I believe you, but I’m having trouble imagining quite what happened. Maybe you can elaborate a bit? Do you mean that those men turned around and demanded something more from you? Stopped treating you with basic respect? Wouldn’t talk to you anymore? Chased you around? ...
  - DoreenMichele 8y ago
    I don't want to get into a lot of details, but I will give one example. I had an affair in my twenties with a man whose life could have been absolutely ruined because of it. He wasn't especially good looking, but he had beautiful blue eyes and I had a thing for blue eyes and told him how much I liked his blue eyes. We were not sleeping together at the time and it wasn't an unreasonable thing to say, given circumstances. This was a huge turning point in the relationship and he ended up nutcase levels of obsessed with me. This man is the reason I did not use my first and last name online for many years -- because it is a fairly unique combination and I didn't want to be easily and readily found by him. Five years after I ditched him, he hired a fucking detective to track me down and called my house where I answered the goddamned phone in front of my children, like that isn't awkward as all hell. No, he hadn't filed for divorce from his alcoholic wife. No, he hadn't left his incredibly conservative career. No, he absolutely was not in any position whatsoever to say "Oops, sorry. You can move in with me." if his phone call outed me to my husband and resulted in a divorce. I'm not exaggerating when I say psycho asshole monster. It's only not been more of a debacle because avoiding drama is one of my skills, thankfully.
relyio 8y ago
>This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks. That's what I try to do. Sometimes people take it as insincere flattery because I guess they think it is sarcasm at first. But I do mean it, every time!
m3kw9 8y ago
If you tell someone how you feel and goes awry, some people cannot handle it. This is prime reason people don’t tell their feelings.

Balgair 8y ago

Also, not trying to brag: I've also been told similar things, usually by people that thought less of me (or so I thought, sometimes for years). Typically it's a 'last day' phenomenon. I've had a fair few experiences where I was leaving a place and thought everyone had hated me, but, like you, I was totally wrong. There is one glaring exception though: my winter coat. It's really the only piece of clothing that I have consistently received unsolicited compliments on. It's an old Swedish army surplus wool first-class greatcoat. As it's army surplus, it comes in nearly every size, so it fits me like a glove, and is fairly cheap[0]. It's a lesson I've tried to learn: dress well. However, in my own 'experiments' only the coat gets the compliments, not nice shoes or shirts or ties. You kinda have to dress 2 levels higher to get noticed enough for others to say anything. Dunno if that helps at all with this issue. [0]https://www.surplusandoutdoors.com/greatcoat-swedish-airforce-wool-387144.html https://www.surplusandoutdoors.com/greatcoat-swedish-airforc... (something like this)

make3 8y ago
or maybe it's just customary to tell anyone you think they are cool, really enjoyed working with them and wish them the best when they leave
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- taejo 8y ago
  Or somewhere in between: most people like something about you, so in a context where compliments are called for they can make a genuine one, even if they don't feel that great about you overall.
liveoneggs 8y ago
cool coat, though
kulahan 8y ago
Holy crap, I'd expect a coat like that to be $150 easily.

hyperpallium 8y ago

> Well, I was interested in them, too. If you would have just said something sooner, life, for you, would be totally different now.

grecht 8y ago
That's exactly what I thought. What's the harm in just telling them? He makes it sound like it was completely out of his control.
- toxik 8y ago
  I think there are pretty obvious difficulties with telling coworkers you’ve a crush on them.
  - grecht 8y ago
    I think you got that wrong, he didn't say they were coworkers. But sure, that'd be very different.
    - akvadrako 8y ago
      No it wouldn't.
      - Regardsyjc 8y ago
        A coworker stared at my boobs for a little too long and I felt immediately uncomfortable and put a jacket on. If he ever expressed interest in a romantic relationship, I would feel really uncomfortable, and probably quit.
  - chrshawkes 8y ago
    Not really, direct communication, eye contact etc... If one cannot do that, facebook friend them and try to tell them that way. The worst they say is they are not interested. It's a numbers game.

megaremote 8y ago

I wouldn't necessarily put too much evidence in what people tell you on your last few days. Not too say rule it out, and the bottle of whiskey is something hard to deny.

mehrdadn 8y ago

Reminds me of a video I saw: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqq1roF4C8s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqq1roF4C8s

deleted 8y ago
[deleted]

gaius 8y ago

At my previous job on my last day there was no one in my reporting line around so I went to the group next door and asked their manager if I could hand in my company BB and credit card to him instead. He was bemused but said OK. An hour later I get a call, I have to come over there urgently. When I get there, that guy has organised me a leaving party on the fly. There were 30 people, cakes, and a card full of nice messages. Several people made speeches. I was totally blown away, he didn’t need to do that at all. If I had worked for that guy I probably never would have left... I've had a few girls tell me, after it was too late, that they always had a crush on me. This started happening to me after I got married.

EADGBE 8y ago
> This started happening to me after I got married. This seems common. I'd bet that they feel safer admitting this after the fact; not wanting you to assume that you should pursue a relationship with them.
pm90 8y ago
> This started happening to me after I got married. Social signalling is very important. The fact that you're married is a signal to others that you're stable/good/OK enough that another human being has committed to spend their life with you, to start a family with you, to be exclusive with you etc. It is signalling maturity which many folks find calming and attractive.

vlasev 8y ago

Now can you imagine...in someone's eyes, you are the person they are not even sure if he likes them or appreciates them or not!

deleted 8y ago

[deleted]

emodendroket 8y ago

> A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around to her telling me how depressed she was about her life and loves. After maybe 10 minutes, she thanked me for being such a good listener and said something about I was just so charismatic. I almost fell out of my chair. I get this a lot too despite not being any great conversationalist. I think in some sense people who don't talk too much are blessed with being perceived as great listeners.

chrshawkes 8y ago

The lesson here I think should be to not make assumptions about what others think of you. In your case, you assumed these girls were not interested in you but you say they should have told you, maybe you should have told them and it would have been even better?