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It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I’m convinced that they aren’t constantly annoyed by me and everything that I say. I hide

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I’m convinced that they aren’t constantly annoyed by me and everything that I say. I hide it pretty well. Sartre was on to something with his comments about “the gaze of the Other”.

InitialLastName 8y ago
That's funny. It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm not constantly annoyed by them and everything that they say. I hide it pretty well. I've had to learn the difficult way that my first impression of people is usually not an impression they deserve.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- x0 8y ago
  > It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions. I had trouble with this for a time, I just tried to take my answers a tiny step further. If someone says "Wow, it's cold outside", instead of just responding with a "Yeah, it is cold", try and add your opinion on it. "Yeah it's cold, I love this weather", or "Yeah it's cold, I hope it gets warm for the weekend, because I was planning $outdoor_activity". Anything along those lines will make you seem more personable.
  - shrikant 8y ago
    Interesting. I tried this for a while, then for some reason got really conscious that the over-use of "I" and "me" in the response made me sound too self-absorbed. So nowadays I'm usually slowly thinking through whether a statement like "Wow, it's cold outside" warrants mere concurrence or greater engagement.
  - jschwartzi 8y ago
    This is exactly how to start a good conversation. People make small talk as a way of signaling that they'd like a conversation. All you have to do is say something that keeps the conversation going. The best things to say are positive statements about how you feel or what your background is because it gives the other person a chance to relate to you.
- brennebeck 8y ago
  Interestingly, I’d say both apply to me and it’s actually about the same time period, too.
- chrshawkes 8y ago
  I honestly suffer the same thing. I think deep down, it is a character flaw for sure. Something egotistical and asshole-ish.
mostlysilent 8y ago
It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions. It's impossible to hide pretty well, or at all really. Everyone I've ever known says something like "you don't talk much, do you" or something equally obvious. I used to wonder if people ask others the obvious "you're fat, aren't you" etc. I've learnt that few people like a strange, mostly silent creature being around long. It's very rare that I'm around anyone long enough for me to get past it and actually make a friend. I read articles that open with "all it takes is a little conversation". Gee thanks. That's the hardest thing I know, and getting harder the further into being an adult I get.
- djajshgsjja 8y ago
  I’ve had the same issue, and it’s really tough. I’ve had some success by asking people questions, paying attention to the answers, asking follow up questions, sharing details about myself if relevant. It doesn’t come naturally and I don’t always do it right, but it has allowed me to become friends with some people who I wouldn’t have been friends with otherwise.
  - FPGAhacker 8y ago
    Yeah, basically this. I personally don’t like people asking me a lot of questions, and so for a long time I assumed this was generally true. Apparently it isn’t. People like to talk about their lives. I guess my main reason for not liking people asking me questions is how their eyes glaze over and they start fidgeting when I answer. Maybe it’s me. I find it pretty annoying so I give terse answers or deflect in one way or another. But other people do like personal questions it seems. And I admit, it helps build relationships. I guess my problem is I just am not that curious about people I’ve just met. It would be pretty rare for me to give a shit about what you do for a living, and so if I ask, it’ll be my eyes glazing over. But I do make the effort anyway, particularly if I get the feeling that someone is a talker.
    - DoofusOfDeath 8y ago
      I'm no ace at social interactions, so please treat the following as a straw-man theory, but... I wonder if you (and I) sometimes fail to recognize when the person asking those questions is actually communicating something different (e.g., they want to become more friendly with you). But we fail to recognize that they're using a cultural idiom to do so. A neuro-psychologist has told me that based on some testing I've had done, there's a decent chance I'd also test positive for Asperger's. And this kind of focusing on the literal without noticing that it pattern-matches a different, idiomatic interpretation would make sense for a person with Asperger's. It reminds me of that line from the song What a Wonderful World, "I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do They're really saying I love you." If that's what's really going on, perhaps the number of questions you're getting can seem less onerous?

InitialLastName 8y ago

That's funny. It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm not constantly annoyed by them and everything that they say. I hide it pretty well. I've had to learn the difficult way that my first impression of people is usually not an impression they deserve.

deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
x0 8y ago
> It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions. I had trouble with this for a time, I just tried to take my answers a tiny step further. If someone says "Wow, it's cold outside", instead of just responding with a "Yeah, it is cold", try and add your opinion on it. "Yeah it's cold, I love this weather", or "Yeah it's cold, I hope it gets warm for the weekend, because I was planning $outdoor_activity". Anything along those lines will make you seem more personable.
- shrikant 8y ago
  Interesting. I tried this for a while, then for some reason got really conscious that the over-use of "I" and "me" in the response made me sound too self-absorbed. So nowadays I'm usually slowly thinking through whether a statement like "Wow, it's cold outside" warrants mere concurrence or greater engagement.
- jschwartzi 8y ago
  This is exactly how to start a good conversation. People make small talk as a way of signaling that they'd like a conversation. All you have to do is say something that keeps the conversation going. The best things to say are positive statements about how you feel or what your background is because it gives the other person a chance to relate to you.
brennebeck 8y ago
Interestingly, I’d say both apply to me and it’s actually about the same time period, too.
chrshawkes 8y ago
I honestly suffer the same thing. I think deep down, it is a character flaw for sure. Something egotistical and asshole-ish.

mostlysilent 8y ago

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions. It's impossible to hide pretty well, or at all really. Everyone I've ever known says something like "you don't talk much, do you" or something equally obvious. I used to wonder if people ask others the obvious "you're fat, aren't you" etc. I've learnt that few people like a strange, mostly silent creature being around long. It's very rare that I'm around anyone long enough for me to get past it and actually make a friend. I read articles that open with "all it takes is a little conversation". Gee thanks. That's the hardest thing I know, and getting harder the further into being an adult I get.

djajshgsjja 8y ago
I’ve had the same issue, and it’s really tough. I’ve had some success by asking people questions, paying attention to the answers, asking follow up questions, sharing details about myself if relevant. It doesn’t come naturally and I don’t always do it right, but it has allowed me to become friends with some people who I wouldn’t have been friends with otherwise.
- FPGAhacker 8y ago
  Yeah, basically this. I personally don’t like people asking me a lot of questions, and so for a long time I assumed this was generally true. Apparently it isn’t. People like to talk about their lives. I guess my main reason for not liking people asking me questions is how their eyes glaze over and they start fidgeting when I answer. Maybe it’s me. I find it pretty annoying so I give terse answers or deflect in one way or another. But other people do like personal questions it seems. And I admit, it helps build relationships. I guess my problem is I just am not that curious about people I’ve just met. It would be pretty rare for me to give a shit about what you do for a living, and so if I ask, it’ll be my eyes glazing over. But I do make the effort anyway, particularly if I get the feeling that someone is a talker.
  - DoofusOfDeath 8y ago
    I'm no ace at social interactions, so please treat the following as a straw-man theory, but... I wonder if you (and I) sometimes fail to recognize when the person asking those questions is actually communicating something different (e.g., they want to become more friendly with you). But we fail to recognize that they're using a cultural idiom to do so. A neuro-psychologist has told me that based on some testing I've had done, there's a decent chance I'd also test positive for Asperger's. And this kind of focusing on the literal without noticing that it pattern-matches a different, idiomatic interpretation would make sense for a person with Asperger's. It reminds me of that line from the song What a Wonderful World, "I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do They're really saying I love you." If that's what's really going on, perhaps the number of questions you're getting can seem less onerous?