11 ms·

Ask HN: I'm 40 this year, and have depression. Any words of wisdom?

• MrEfficiency 8y ago
  You were happy at different jobs and in a relationship. Could you replicate similar in a 5 and 10 year plan?
• dazc 8y ago
  Since it sounds like you're at a point where you realise you need to do something, do it now because it's not going to get any easier the longer you leave it.
• thinkingkong 8y ago
  Genuinely happy youve reached out to a community to help. First off Ill say that you’ll probably get a ton of different answers but nobody can really understand your motivation, your “blocks”, what you think the issues are, etc in a post. That kind of thing takes some work and time with a really good counselor/ therapist. Id really suggest finding someone. Dont go for fancy titles, just look around your area and start coming up with some criteria. Would you feel more comfortable with a male or female? Phd and brainey or soul searching? Meet with 5 people. They should all offer free 30min sessions for you to at least see if you’ll click Go with your instincts and trust them. And please, keep up with the exercise.
  • dole 8y ago
    If you haven't had a regular therapist and start looking, realize that it usually takes a few visits with you mostly talking to establish enough history in order for them to start sorting you out. If you don't start clicking with them in 5-6 sessions or so, look elsewhere.
• chris_wot 8y ago
  I have no words of wisdom. I have PTSD from something that happened to me, but I'm in a similar situation. All I can do is say you aren't alone, and I wish you the very best.
• glitchc 8y ago
  Consider going back to school. I have a feeling you entered the workforce too early. It might give you a new perspective on things, and open a path to a completely different career.
• Madmallard 8y ago
  Life is relationships. Put most of your work into those and your mood should improve.
  • glitchc 8y ago
    I've found meaningful work to be far more beneficial to my mood. I don't control what other people do and many a times their illogical decisions and the ensuing drama are not a pleasant experience.
    • taway_1212 8y ago
      Find better people? I know it's easier said than done.
    • Madmallard 8y ago
      Yeah you need to find better people
  • cableshaft 8y ago
    I don't know about most of your work. That's time not spent on creative pursuits, usually (there are exceptions to this) and relationships can drain you in a different way. I tend to get a lot more out of creative pursuits, personally. But both are good.
    • Madmallard 8y ago
      Finding the right people to pursue creative ambitions with > doing it on your own
      • cableshaft 8y ago
        If you can find those people and keep those people, yeah. I've found those tend to fall apart over time, though, have creative differences, etc. Some of my more interesting works have been in collaboration with others, though. I've had better luck with finding people where you work on your own thing, but at the same time/location, and sometimes bounce some ideas their direction to get their thoughts on things.
• chmike 8y ago
  People don't put the same meaning behind "mentally damaged". Some people are really mentally damaged. You don't sound mentally damaged to me.
  • sp332 8y ago
    He said he has anhedonia.
  • logfromblammo 8y ago
    Mentally scratched and dented, maybe. Strip the old finish, sand it down a bit, and refinish, and that brain will look just like new. OP is probably old enough now to accept that everyone eventually dies and becomes forgotten, and it's best to do things for yourself in the present, instead of fueling some invented myth of your own future importance. "Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair." Your brain is just dumping different quantities of different chemicals all over itself, and it's making you think you've gone crazy, just because it's different from what you remember from when you were younger. Well, you haven't gone crazy. The same thing happens to a lot of people. You get to a certain age, and your kids become more independent, your parents die, your pets die, your career hits a plateau, and maybe your spouse has some of the same stresses and blames you in some way for them, and that becomes yet another stress. Exercise and diet help balance your brain chemicals, but then again so do prescription drugs, herbal remedies, and recreational drugs. Some people resort to religion or psychedelics or both. Some people start a second batch of kids or adopt or get several cats. Some start to write books or music, or create visual art. Some splurge on luxury goods. There are a lot of ways to try to get back to feeling "normal" again; some actually work, and some are just placebo. Ultimately, the common factor is that all these people realize that they are mortal, and their time is running out at the rate of one day of life per day on the calendar. They're afraid they're wasting it. But no matter what you do, you're going to die, and then everyone who cared about you or hated you will also die, and it may well be that your greatest accomplishment will be to spend your entire lifetime just propping up a trade economy with tasks that have little meaning when considered individually. But maybe you and the 7 billion other people also doing existentially meaningless grunt work manage to support themselves for species survival, and also collectively put together a colonization mission somewhere other than Earth, and you contributed more than a 7-billionth share of that accomplishment. Hooray for humanity; hooray for you! If you can't find meaning in your life, just make one up. If it's a bad one, it will be forgotten; if it's a good one, it too will be forgotten. Your memory might last 2 years, or 2000 years, but it won't be you--you will be dead and gone. The important thing is that your chosen meaning motivates you to continue living your life, even when you have become genetically useless to the species and so many of your former peers seem to have gained more social status than you in the same amount of time. You don't need to be great and influential. Just being is enough, and you can be whatever you want to be, instead of someone else's child, or someone else's parent, or someone else's spouse, or someone else's employee.
• segmondy 8y ago
  Go see a therapist.
• elmerfud 8y ago
  First, stop thinking of yourself as mentally damaged. You're normal. If by the time you're 30-40 and you haven't realized that all new things that you encounter will eventually go away, then you're mentally damaged. It's a normal transition from shortsighted childishness to farsighted maturity. You're in the prime of your life. You're at a stage where you have skills and experience to do lots of things and make decent money. Your job may be boring as hell, but view your job as a tool. It something that gives you the means to do what you want. That is the hard part, figuring out what you want. Ultimately contentment comes from within but it's easier to have with the correct external forces supporting you. Things at this point in your life should be easier to achieve, not because they are in fact easier because often time they are more difficult tasks, but because you have years of experience knowing that you can overcome any obstacle placed in your path. I'm 45 and can relate to much of what you've said. I wish I had time to write more, but you really are in your prime. Do want you need to do so you can do what you want to do. Those two things should be very balanced at this point in your life, whereas when you're younger you're always doing the needs and you never have time to think about your wants.
  • jamesrcole 8y ago
    > First, stop thinking of yourself as mentally damaged. You're normal I think it's unhelpful to assert things like that when we don't have enough information for making definitive statements. Perhaps they do have some genuine and serious issues? We can't know just from the description given. If they do then acting like they don't isn't very helpful.
    • elmerfud 8y ago
      Like many of the other commenters, my point was that labeling yourself as broken and assuming the victim mindset is what's unhelpful. Everyone has issues, literally everyone and understanding that it's normal and not what defines you is what's important. This allows you to acknowledge, embrace, and seek help if needed.
      • jamesrcole 8y ago
• jtr_47 8y ago
  Have you tried a little meditation to help with some symptoms? I recommend this. Sit in a slightly dark room, be comfortable. Close your eyes, relax & take no thought (try it's hard). Do that for 15-30 minutes. Do this at least once a week, more the better. This will help you focus. Peace and love on your journey. JTR
• cjg 8y ago
  Psychotherapy, meditation and community.
• badbug 8y ago
  > I'm 40 this year and as a milestone birthday It's only a milestone if you make it a milestone. You don't have to participate in these made up events if you don't want to. I'd recommend the book "a guide to the good life" by William Irvine. It may help you transform your "anhedonia" from something negative to something positive.
• jamesrcole 8y ago
  Do you know what you want to do in the future, or what changes you want to make? If you want, could you elaborate on the 'mental damage' you mention? I think answers to questions like these would help people provide advice.
• phakding 8y ago
  This is what I realized; no matter how much you love your work/profession when you started out, it's impossible to keep that flame of curiosity and interest after 15-20 years of work. You need to get away from it frequently to rekindle that flame. Find hobbies that have nothing to do with technology or computers or programming like playing instruments, hiking, running, knitting or whatever else that interests you.
• dfsegoat 8y ago
  As others have stated, the biggest thing is to stop beating yourself up - stop calling yourself damaged. Also, you need to start exercising - it is the only thing for me personally that will keep "the darkness" at bay. The research and neurobiology behind exercise being an effective modulator of mood is all solid. Further, I recommend you listen to Jocko Podcast [1] - by Jocko Willink, a retired Navy SEAL commander, he does some great interviews with guys like Col. Bill Reeder, who spent several years in a POW camp. Think about guys like John Mccain, who spent 6 years being tortured, neglected and beaten day in and day out -- and it really starts to put things in perspective, because he put ALL of that trauma aside and went on to lead a fairly remarkable career, and raise a family etc. 1 - http://jockopodcast.com/2017/02/22/63-through-the-valley-my-captivity-in-vietnam-with-colonel-william-reeder-us-army-pilot-vietnam-pow/ http://jockopodcast.com/2017/02/22/63-through-the-valley-my-...
  • cpr 8y ago
    Everything else sounds good, but McCain is not what he seems: http://www.unz.com/runz/american-pravda-when-tokyo-rose-ran-for-president/ http://www.unz.com/runz/american-pravda-when-tokyo-rose-ran-...
    • dfsegoat 8y ago
      Fair enough... Then I'll stick to my original examples of Col. Bill Reeder, and Capt. Charlie Plumb. Check out their stories on the podcast: Charlie plumb: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XgwpDnalZE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XgwpDnalZE Bill reeder: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHIxtd-oYTs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHIxtd-oYTs
  • datadwarfs 8y ago
    I listen to Jocko too- It's an excellent podcast! If you like Jocko, then you'll probably like Jordan Peterson too. His audiobook "12 rules for life" on audible is great because he narrates it.
• goalieca 8y ago
  There’s going to be some fulfilment from having a great career but none of the funerals I’ve been to have any mention about career. It was always about hobbies and friends and family. “Work to live, not live to work”
• becga 8y ago
  Make sure you are getting B-vitamins.
• nrjames 8y ago
  I've skipped off of the surface of mid-life crisis for a few years, wondering often how to find meaning in life. The only advice I have is to seek happiness from within, whatever that means for you. You're unlikely to 'turn the corner' seeking external fulfillment. For me, I have to make/create things in order to be happy. That can be hard to fit into life, but now that I've figured out that I need it, I try to build time into my schedule.
• benjohnson 8y ago
  That you're seeking contentment over happiness says to me that you're wise - and without knowing your particular details, I would generally recommend starting a family. For me, seeing my children grown in love provides me with the most contentment I've ever had.
• mattharney 8y ago
  Focus on gratitude. Write a list of what you are thankful for. Repeat often - at least weekly, best daily.
• timwaagh 8y ago
  you had it too good when young so much so you don't appreciate your current life. you're a technical consultant. much better than a code monkey. you should be proud. but when you came from manager and events speaker, that kind of changes things.
• AlexCoventry 8y ago
  It's hard to get good advice about something like this over the internet. Consider talking to a capable therapist or life coach or the like.
• RobertRoberts 8y ago
  It sounds like you are doing what all of have to. I am just over 40, and I have had a similar set of experiences. Getting back on the horse is the cure. Try going out on a date. My brother, a few years older, had it worse than I did in some ways, and is just starting to date again and it took him a while but he's happy he's met someone similar to him in life now. Compare this with a friend who (late 30s) complains about being lonely but won't ask a woman out that he likes. It hits a point where you need to just dive in and face everything. But, by the way you wrote your post here, it seems like you are doing that. Keep going, you won't feel better until you make a breakthrough, but you won't make a breakthrough if you give up. Just trust that steady forward progress makes results. I hope you do well. I think many of us techies had rousing younger years and some have a harder time adjusting to slowing down or changing our perspective when life slows down around us.
• nimbius 8y ago
  full time engine mechanic here. ASE certified and everything...ive been doing it for 15 years. Some days are worse than others, like when im coming back from a 3 day weekend full of cadillac margaritas and over-grilled burgers...but nothing like what you describe. When I think 'mentally damaged' im picturing someone who sticks their hand in a running engine to 'feel if the belts are moving ok.' You're doing pretty good from what I can tell, but ever since I started checking out HN ive seen quite a few people in tech that feel the same way you do. Is it offices that do this? nobody I know in my office ever seems really happy in the morning. seems like sitting around all day staring at a computer might start to eat away at a mans soul. If money isnt an issue, I'd suggest spending time learning a trade as a hobby or maybe more. maybe pick up a shift changing oil at a local shop, and see how that grabs you. Im not saying its the easiest thing in the world, but the job is pretty social and even though your shoulders and arms ache after the first day, you never feel like you arent doing something useful.
• m3mpp 8y ago
  Religion/spirituality is a great asset, especially as we get older.
• ddmma 8y ago
  Build your own zen garden, continue doing what is good for you and try to let the destructive things way behind as from another era. I guess there is a change resistance as the age process is going, pain comes as result either physical or mental. Change is also healthy, dare to do new things and be in situations were you can achieve simple positive outcome. PS. Search also for 'The Art of the Good Life' by Rolf Dobelli
• wu-ikkyu 8y ago
  Do you have any savings? Now might be a perfect time to take some time off work, travel, and/or figure out what you want to do with your life. Many people with a spouse and children will never have that opportunity
• honkycat 8y ago
  Are you seeing a therapist? I would highly recommend going to a therapist. I had the same problem around a year ago, and having an unbiased person to go and talk to about my feelings once a week, keep track of my moods and persistent frustrations, and help me set and meet realistic goals was extremely helpful. I also made it clear I was not interested in taking any medication. I went for about a year straight, but I don't go anymore. I still value the time I spent in therapy and thought it was helpful. I simply progressed enough such that the ball was in my court. I'll probably go back in a year or two.
• mrburton 8y ago
  I'm turning 40 this year too; 2019 I'll be 40. Let's be honest with one another? You need to change your thinking and behavior. It's all mental and you know it. Feed into the bullshit negative thinking and it'll continue to grow and take over your life. You already know the answer - go out and experience new things. Take a road trip, have a beer, watch two grown ass men kick the shit out of one another in an MMA fight or go to a coffee shop with a book and tell yourself "Today, I let the moment slip by while I sip on coffee" and remember... Stop over thinking life. You can't control it and you'll never win if you think you can control it. Life is like a box of chocolates - eventually it'll be empty and kicked to the side of the road. For now, its full and everyone wants a piece.
• lottin 8y ago
  Read "12 Rules for Life" by Jordan Peterson. It has many interesting ideas which were new to me and it helped me understand many of the things going on in my life. It is not a recipe for happiness but a set of tools that you can use to analyse yourself and others and to become a better person.
• kawfey 8y ago
  I think you're finding some semblance of pleasure in fresh air and exercise. I'd look back to your roots. It's easier than ever to get into podcasting, and with your experience it should be a breeze to podcast about something that you love.
• AnnoyingSwede 8y ago
  Like a few other mentioned, don't label your self as damaged and even avoid labling yourself by a prognos you might or might not have gotten. During my life i have seen quite a handful of people with rather small problems blowing them up into unreasonably large sandcastles that only prohibited further development and covered every bridge they wanted to pass. Like many other here i loved computers as a kid but growing up making it my job made me lose that love, and i barelly hack software at home anymore. The reason i love being at work is because i have great coworkers, not that i burn for what i do. I bet a lot here can identify themselves with this here. If i could just give you one advise, it would be: Get a 1000cc superbike. I have a very short commute to work, but i only need to ride 5 minutes to come to work all pumped with adrenalin, which i replace with a coffeine-rush as i step in to the office. The rest of the day flows, and i can't wait to get back on my bike to go home. This might not be a one-size-fits-all-solution, but it's worth a try and a mention. Good luck mate.
  • anothergoogler 8y ago
    One nit to pick, a beginning rider should NOT get a 1000cc superbike and then use it for an adrenaline rush. That's a ticket to the ER/morgue.
    • tudelo 8y ago
      Also depending on where you live you might want to be careful about riding a bike... honestly would never ride one in the WDC area.
    • falcolas 8y ago
      Seconded. A 250cc bike will still give you more acceleration than almost any car, will cost 1/10th the price, and limit the accident-causing potential of goosing the throttle.
    • chaoticmass 8y ago
      Anecdote: My step-dad taught my how to ride and gifted me a 500cc Yamaha. Every rider I talked to would tell me something like "it's not a matter of if you're going to crash, but when." This stuck with me, and after riding and having fun for two years I gave it up before my luck ran out.
• yesenadam 8y ago
  Read Gail Sheehy's Passages. It talks about the different phases of life - life in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s etc. Without that reference, when there's unease it's hard to know what's "you" and what's "just being human". I certainly found it very enlightening.
  • yesenadam 8y ago
    This is her interviewed at length on The Open Mind about her subsequent book Pathfinders. Very inspiring. http://www.thirteen.org/openmind-archive/aging/pathfinders/ http://www.thirteen.org/openmind-archive/aging/pathfinders/
• LyndsySimon 8y ago
  I'm 34, and it sounds like I struggle with a lot of the same emotional issues that you do. I wish I had a better answer for you, but all I have is "just keep swimming". The first time I experienced depression and anhedonia, it basically broke me. I was truly despondent and was almost incapable of hope for the future. In time - and with the help of family, my wife, psychologists, and prescription drugs - it lifted. That first time took almost two years before I saw the first glimmers of hope again; two years before I felt anything, really. Thereafter, just knowing that it was a temporary state and that it had passed before help more than anything else. I go through bouts of it every few months now and during that time I'm much less effective in both my personal and professional life, but it passes much more quickly and with much less effort from me. I just... wait it out. I recognize that the way I feel isn't based on real inputs, but is just a part of the way my body works. I strongly distrust my own emotions, and always verify that what I'm feeling has a rational basis. If it doesn't, I do my best to make decisions without regard for how I feel about the. And yes, being outside seems to help me quite a bit.
• dawidw 8y ago
  > At 35, I was divorced and had to start from scratch. That seems to be the root of the problem. Do you have children?
  • ak39 8y ago
    I thought so too. But didn’t want to post because it is a total guess. Breaking and ending a once loving, intimate and totally absorbing relationship is one of the hardest things for a human to endure. The end of anything is always sad, the end of relationships most of all. But again, we are guessing. Life’s multifactorial and single issues often connect, catalyse and exaggerate what the mind imagines to be a single stress. Wish the OP all the best.
    • dawidw 8y ago
      I asked about children not because of curiosity, but how to deal with the situation. I think if OP doesn't have kids, then the best would be just finish all the contacts with ex-wife. Physical and mental. It's mental effort due to fact that you can't forget you had wife. If OP has kids, the situation is more complicated. Kids need parents, even they are divorced/separated. So I would encourage to keep the best contact with them as possible in certain circumstances. The problem is that there will be need to constantly meet ex-wife, and that would require even bigger mental effort to deal with it.
• ttb44 8y ago
  Meditate, meditate, meditate. It's a rich world with a lot to learn and will definitely help. You've already mentioned air (nature) and exercise, which I would endorse as well. Try Bikram, hard to be depressed after a sweat like that. Get some sun. Read "the seeing that frees" and "right concentration." GL
• dkitchen 8y ago
  You've got strengths and are already aware of several variables (exercise, fasting) you can control to increase your well-being and decrease your suffering. I encourage you to keep moving in the direction of ever increasing possibilities. I offer you 3 Immutable Laws of Forward Motion: 1. Pain. 2. Uncertainty 3. Ceaseless Effort Any attempts to exonerate yourself from these laws will necessarily lead to the sense of being stuck (without options) and hopeless (without possibilities). However if you accumulate skills to embrace these laws, you will increase well-being both for yourself and those you care about. When you say, "things in my life have been a lot harder to do/achieve than they should...", you're headed for a dead end. Any plan that seeks contentment as a destination is likely to be a dead end. The best game to play has no promise of "win" or "lose". It's the game where you get to keep playing. Evolution seems to be playing that game, and it has produced some fairly numinous wonders. You being one of them.
• Arun2009 8y ago
  If you haven't heard of it yet, I suggest that you look at Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), and start training yourself to aggressively fight any demons that might be haunting you. I highly recommend Ellis's book, "A Guide to Rational Living", which will train you in challenging your own self-defeating thoughts. Note that I don't mean this as a cure-all, but merely as one of the tools you (or anyone else!) should have in their life's toolbox. The fundamental premise of REBT is that it's not the events in our lives themselves, but our beliefs about the events that upset our emotional state. Hence to change our negative emotions, we must attack through reason the beliefs that promote negative emotional states. Here's is a useful summary of the REBT approach: https://rebtnetwork.org/whatis.html https://rebtnetwork.org/whatis.html . What I love most about REBT is that it trains us to be our own therapist. That is quite empowering and liberating!
  • petecooper 8y ago
    >What I love most about REBT is that it trains us to be our own therapist. Thank you for your advice and recommendation -- I have just purchased a copy of the book.
• crshstsh 8y ago
  Consider getting your testosterone levels checked, and if you have a strong libido, try to limit masturbating if not completely stop.
• theandrewbailey 8y ago
  Clean your room. Take some responsibility. Bear your burdens. https://jordanbpeterson.com/ https://jordanbpeterson.com/ https://www.youtube.com/user/JordanPetersonVideos/videos https://www.youtube.com/user/JordanPetersonVideos/videos
• DoreenMichele 8y ago
  I have anhedonia, but I've accepted that when I find something fun that'll go away. It's a symptom of the low-level depression that comes and goes The ancients had a saying: A sound mind in a sound body. I think lack of enjoyment is often due to lack of energy, plus unrecognized health issues. There is a lot of research linking depression to diet and brain inflammation. Off the top of my head, a Mediterranean Diet is sometimes shown as correlating to less brain inflammation and less depression. The olive oil used in it is thought to be one of the reasons. So on top of the fasting and exercise, consider looking at research of that ilk, start a food and health journal and carefully experiment with diet to see if anything clicks. Best.
• user3359 8y ago
  Exercise, sleep and nutrition can always be improved. Also get your hormone levels tested. I had cyclic depression from 15 through 25 and HRT has been a life saver. It becomes more noticeable at your age. Everyone is different, but for me personally, a needle in the ass once per week is 100x better than depression, and it becomes something you have to live with, like brushing your teeth. Standard doses of 100mg/week are anarchaic though, look for 200mg/week and don't settle for the topical gels.
  • rbelem 8y ago
    I have similar issues with my testosterone levels. One doctor said that I have to take testosterone from time to time, but I didn't accept the solution and looked for another doctor that said that I need a surgery to remove a varicocele.
• XalvinX 8y ago
  mother nature is the best medicine. trees, birds, clouds, water, rocks...time spent immersed in the elements (preferably alone, i think) can only make you feel better. even just an half-day hike in the woods or mountains or few hours surfing or walking along an uncrowded beach can charge you for days. and my god man, don't give energy to "I have anhedonia" and "I'm mentally damaged" ...that is only true if you believe it, like many things in life. everybody can feel pleasure. you just need to get out of your house, out of the city, and feel the sun and such. sunshine alone can cure most depression...just take off your shirt and let it sink in.
• criveros 8y ago
  - Why don't you try taking a long vacation? Stay in some hostels in South America. Meet some new people along the way. Maybe work remotely from there after you travel. - You could try microdosing LSD for the low-level depression.
  • petecooper 8y ago
    >You could try microdosing LSD for the low-level depression. Thanks for this. CBD oil and psilocybin microdosing works pretty well for me, though there is a tendency for me to not find any immediate effect to the psilocybin and as such it's not something I do often enough. The CBD oil is more pronounced, though.
    • criveros 8y ago
      How do you feel about the travelling part?
      • petecooper 8y ago
        >How do you feel about the travelling part? Honestly, scared that I'll have time away from work. It's becoming more clear to me that I have a dysfunctional relationship with my work, and some deep-rooted money issues (despite having enough to live on and money saved up). Finding the root cause of my perceived issues is a priority, there's only so much I can repair (or improve, to be less weasel word-y) myself without locating and addressing the thing(s) that cause my issue(s).
• CodeWriter23 8y ago
  I don’t know if this would apply to you. Your story sounds similar to mine, so I’ll share what I did, just in case. I also apologize in advance if this does not apply. That said, I found my depression was a direct result of consuming depressants. Alcohol, weed, anything else I could get my hands on. Suicidal ideation was the order of the day. I got clean almost 23 years ago with the help of a 12-Step program. It sounds like an odd choice for an Atheist like myself. But it was absolutely the best thing I ever did for myself. I’d really like to tell you my life is a bowl of cherries all day every day. But that would be a lie. I do have a life that I was incapable of envisioning for myself. I am married, I am a dad and I’m pursuing my dream building my own company. I’m completely in love with my wife and my nine-year-old daughter. I get to feel a wide range of emotions. Every day. I get to be present for everything. I get to participate in every decision in my life, instead of living life by the default settings. And I get to be responsible for every one of those choices. It is freedom for my mind, my heart, and my body.
• deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
• cruppstahl 8y ago
  I'm 40, and I enjoy being 40. I feel that I start to understand why things are the way they are, why other people behave like they do, and why I am how I am. I don't go so far to say that i grok everything, but I certainly have a lot of clarity now that I did not have when I was younger. And I have a toolbox of things that help me when I am not sure about me, about my life etc. The rest of your life is starting today. You have a job, a large dating pool and an open future. Visualize your future (it might look like a grey void) and give it a smile and it will no longer look scary (this is something that always works for me!). Then go and find a therapist. She'll help you get rid of the depression, to find motivation in your job and to figure out what to do in the next 40 years. BTW - I found this article to be encouraging: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/04/opinion/sunday/how-to-survive-your-40s.html https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/04/opinion/sunday/how-to-sur...
• gesman 8y ago
  With depression - the key is not fighting with depression, but rather find what you want to focus on - something interesting, meaningful, especially if it relates to helping other people - and focus on it, whether you feel depressed or not. That activity needs to be mental + physical.
• datadwarfs 8y ago
  1. See a professional therapist to help you sort out your issues. Maybe talk to several therapists initially to find one that you enjoy working with and then stick with that one therapist for awhile. 2. Live healthy - By that I mean try to exercise daily and eat healthy. Gets lots of rest and drink lots of water. Avoid alcohol, sugar, and junk food. 3. In addition to seeing a therapist, read "12 Rules for Life" by Jordan Peterson or listen to the audiobook version (available on audible and narrated by the author) while you go out jogging or hiking. Jordan Peterson also has an interactive "self authoring" program available (https://www.selfauthoring.com/ https://www.selfauthoring.com/) which is designed to help you sort out your past, present, and future.
• TheAlchemist 8y ago
  Well, I would recommend starting some serious exercising. What are you doing ? Lifting weights ? Running ? If you're into running it would be great to fix some longer term goals, like running a marathon or a trail. I've found that long distance running and everything that goes with it, provides an enormous joy and an overall improvement in life perception. And if you do run, go running in a forest or at least in a park - not in a gym.
• lafar6502 8y ago
  find the cause of your unhappiness and try to block it from influencing you. maybe you think a lot about what you no longer have or compare your past career to current. so try to isolate from that. find someone positive and optimistic to talk to
• d2161 8y ago
  Go see a medical professional. They can connect you to a counsellor, someone who can give you more evidence based actionable ways to get yourself back on your feet.
• throwaway5250 8y ago
  Can relate. Anhedonia/depression all my life, and a mid-life divorce devastated me financially and personally. Beyond what others have said, consider the possibility that this is a problem you may have for the rest of your life. Mine hasn't decreased much, but I've made some peace with it. To a degree, I just ignore or ride out the worst days. Reading the stoics seems to help. Literally just doing things can help. If you feel like doing something--anything--try to get yourself to do it.
• mhkool 8y ago
  I suggest to go to www.brokenbrain.com where Dr Mark Hyman explains the causes of depression and other brain-related diseases. Once you understand the real causes, it is relatively simple to remove the causes and get healthy again.
• browsercoin 8y ago
  hmmm, you really need to get to the root of the problem. All I can tell you is that there are tools at your disposable. Old and New. One that is shunned by modern science because they say because there is no evidence or can't prove beyond statistically significance that something works or not, but you see people benefit from the old civilizations way of treating pain both spiritual and physical. The most obvious one is daily exercise. Are you exercising regularly? If not, start immediately. This is not an age to start slacking. Eat healthy. Relax. Avoid, stress if possible. Smoke a little ganja if your doctor is okay with it. Always remember suicide is temporary, your loved ones will pay the ultimate price, and honestly I believe that your consciousness will painfully witness it. It's fallacy to accept that just because the physical body perishes that "you" end. I don't think so. The consciousness must live on, beyond the 3rd dimension. Michio Kaku, read his book, and tell me that in the trillions of stars that's been around for billions of years or less is thriving with life, life which may extend beyond the 3rd dimension which us mortals are limited to....but the 4th, 5th up till 11th. It totally makes sense that we aren't alone in this universe and that there are higher dimensional beings that look down upon our 3rd dimensional world on earth as we would look down upon the water striders who have no concept of up or down, unaware that we can seemingly teleport them from one location to another by lifting them out of the water and placing it in another place. To us, we can connect the cause and effect. To the water strider, it's the craziest shit that ever happened. There's also evidence of children remembering their past lives, like that kid who got murdered and then remembered the guy that killed him as a boy and ended up arresting the guy.
• charmides 8y ago
  Why did you have to start from scratch at 35?
• mrsareen 8y ago
  Thanks for your honest truth, most people shy away from. Please have a look at the subject of "Mindfulness". I learnt it myself from the similar titled book from Joseph Goldstein. Wishing you a fulfilling journey.
• RantyDave 8y ago
  Right. You have an extremely common illness and like all extremely common illnesses you should go and see a doctor. Even better if you can bypass some crap and go straight to a psychiatrist. You're not broken. You're not mentally damaged. You're ill.
• arayh 8y ago
  I'm 34 and have just recently pulled myself out of a 10-year phase of minor depression. Rational control is great and is something I often make use of to control the stress and reduce toxicity in my life, but wresting control of your emotional state and fueling your motivation is arguably far more important. Like you, I've started to take exercise more seriously and also watching my diet a bit more than usual. This seems to help immensely. If you're anything like me, I tend to overthink too many things and I've found that to be a huge obstacle in trying to ward away depression, so I've put some focus on improving various aspects of my life rather than ruminating over random thoughts in my head. Meeting new people and expanding your circle of friends seems to be a good way to keep your mental health in check as the human interaction doubles as an emotional support system.
• Jesus_saves 8y ago
  Seek Jesus with all your heart, and you will find peace and purpose.
• beerbaron23 8y ago
  This plan worked for this dude, worth a shot :P https://np.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/2lbqym/traveled_to_mexico_to_buy_chemicals_to_humanely https://np.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/2lbqym/traveled_...
• uptownfunk 8y ago
  If your state is not where you want it to be then you have to change it somehow. There are many ways to do it, but maybe consider taking a break from work and doing something else if you can afford it. Volunteer somewhere, help someone else out if you are in a position to do so. If you think it's medical/clinical then seek professional help. There are many buddhist/christian/hindu/etc. retreat centers around the world, consider a stay there for a few days and keep an open mind, you may find something there. It's not much different then a mental hospital except they won't force you to take meds. Many times for smart/technical folks, the problem is less psychochemical and more intellectual/philosophical in nature. All the best, hope you find the help/motivation you need..
• tixocloud 8y ago
  Hi Pete, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. If I may recall, did you start a newsletter service of some sort in the past? We may have crossed paths before. Nevertheless, your journey to this point has been nothing short of remarkable and you should be proud of all your accomplishments. Many people probably do not have the good fortune to pull off what you’ve done. I think everyone goes through moments where they feel trapped so feel what you feel but also know that you have the ability to overcome it. I’m happy if you’d like a buddy to listen to. Sometimes it’s best to just let it all out and express yourself. Visit some place you’ve never been. See worlds different from yours and you might discover new things.
• coretx 8y ago
  Try some magic mushrooms and learn something totally new.