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figuring out how to be a good partner to my boyfriend who just admitted he was molested as a child. he says he doesn't want to talk about it but he's also the o

figuring out how to be a good partner to my boyfriend who just admitted he was molested as a child. he says he doesn't want to talk about it but he's also the one who's brought it up on multiple occasions. we both have very bad past experiences with counseling and medication, so it is unlikely he'd be very receptive to going down that road again. he's the most loving and beautiful person i've ever known & i want nothing more than to show him that he can still be loved by not treating him any differently than i would otherwise but is that really and different from repression? there's also the fear that he's becoming very dependent upon me while my own mental illness is still very much unresolved. he still lives with his abuser and i really want to get him out of that situation but if i take him in, it'll create a situation where he is both emotionally and financially reliant. any advice would be deeply appreciated

detcader 8y ago
There's a lot of ways to help besides getting someone set up with medication or a therapist. One thing I can advise is that it's important to (continue to) have patience. Patience is a really powerful thing. I know this suggestion sounds hilarious but look into the book Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies. I've seen it recommended on mental health forums, for anyone, including with no clinical diagnoses. From what I understand, CBT is not a process that is just for people with a specific set of disorders, but for everyone, and the usual setting of the therapist's office isn't the sole way to go about exploring it. I don't have many more specific actionable ideas but I would look at forums (Reddit or maybe somewhere else) for people with similar positions who have been given advice. Just know that if you and him can't do one-on-one therapist visits or medication there is not nothing you can do. Being there to listen to him and communicating with him every day is better infinitely better than nothing.
_ah 8y ago
Don't take him in. People grow, and you can encourage/assist, but each person ultimately has to choose for themself. If he needed to get out from his abuser he could presumably do it on his own, with varying levels of difficulty / pain. The fact that he hasn't done so means you would be "saving" him, a terrible choice. Unless he takes the step himself to become a fully self-reliant adult he is very unlikely to become that person under your protection. Alternatively you could help him escape and provide a safe place for him to grow, while realizing that your relationship will probably be doomed in the process. I don't recommend this path.

detcader 8y ago

There's a lot of ways to help besides getting someone set up with medication or a therapist. One thing I can advise is that it's important to (continue to) have patience. Patience is a really powerful thing. I know this suggestion sounds hilarious but look into the book Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies. I've seen it recommended on mental health forums, for anyone, including with no clinical diagnoses. From what I understand, CBT is not a process that is just for people with a specific set of disorders, but for everyone, and the usual setting of the therapist's office isn't the sole way to go about exploring it. I don't have many more specific actionable ideas but I would look at forums (Reddit or maybe somewhere else) for people with similar positions who have been given advice. Just know that if you and him can't do one-on-one therapist visits or medication there is not nothing you can do. Being there to listen to him and communicating with him every day is better infinitely better than nothing.

_ah 8y ago

Don't take him in. People grow, and you can encourage/assist, but each person ultimately has to choose for themself. If he needed to get out from his abuser he could presumably do it on his own, with varying levels of difficulty / pain. The fact that he hasn't done so means you would be "saving" him, a terrible choice. Unless he takes the step himself to become a fully self-reliant adult he is very unlikely to become that person under your protection. Alternatively you could help him escape and provide a safe place for him to grow, while realizing that your relationship will probably be doomed in the process. I don't recommend this path.