6 ms·

Long-term: dating/relationships. I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely st

Long-term: dating/relationships. I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone. Short-term: not much! I recently dropped everything and moved to the other side of the globe (Japan) on a student visa. I'm studying a very interesting language and culture and making friends with people from all over the world that are on average 15 years my junior. I'm also brushing up on technology, learning new programming languages and stacks. This is a sort of sabbatical for me, so I plan on picking up creative hobbies (drawing, making music) as time permits.

shatobi 8y ago
Somewhat similar situation, though living in Tokyo already for quite a while. It would be lovely if we could hang out once.
- etatoby 8y ago
  I'd love to! Can you contact me at username at gmail? This also goes for anybody else who would like to meet for a drink, or for whatever question about studying / moving to Japan.
  - shatobi 8y ago
    sent
kotrunga 8y ago
Are you at a language school? I started learning Japanese recently, and would love to move there one day.
- etatoby 8y ago
  Yes, Intercultural Institute of Japan. Awesome school, from all points of view. You need someone to work out the papers and details for you. That can be your local language school, if you have one, or an international service such as Go Go Nihon. I strongly recommend getting good at hiragana, katakana, and learning the writing (not the reading) of all 2,200 common kanji before coming here. It will make a huge difference in your rate of learning. I would focus on that, because they already cover grammar and vocabulary at a reasonable pace here at school. I used Heisig's book and the excellent Kanji Koohii website/progressive app. It's a long business, but not hard at all. It just takes time and dedication, say 1–2 hours every day for several months. But you can and should split that time into small chunks all throughout the day. Basically, whenever you're not actively working, sleeping, or driving, take out your phone and use that app. Also, if English is your 1st language, get a pronunciation coach. The vowels and many consonants are completely different. If you happen to be Italian, then you're in luck, because we have 99% the same sounds as Japanese. (Only the U is slightly different.)
zombieprocess 8y ago
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I always dream of this kind of stuff but then convince myself I am too old for this. I am 31.
- thinkingkong 8y ago
  Im 36. Just do it now. Youre younger than you think and in 10 years you’ll just wish you had done it anyway.
- etatoby 8y ago
  I'm 38, almost 39 next month ;-) I'm having a blast. Best move of my life! The only thing I slightly regret is not doing it 10 years ago. But it's still ok. I'm loving the place (Tokyo), the culture, the opportunities, the food, the way of life, and I'm making tons of friends. If I can get proficient in the language (it's looking good, I'm top of the class for now) I'll look for a job here, hopefully for an American tech company. I have a CS degree and 10+ years of experience. English is my 2nd language, but I'm way ahead than in Japanese, plus I'd rather work in a US- or EU-style workplace, because Japanese companies are scary places. I'd love to make a tech startup, I have tons of ideas. But that will depend on connections, opportunities, and visa status. Finally, girls seem to be more interested in me here, and the social dynamics seem more... relaxed? so I may have a chance to overcome my struggle. But the first step is getting good at the actual language.
sloaken 8y ago
" I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable" I had the same problem. I am sure you have heard this before"you regret what you do not do, not what you did". So SUCK IT UP, and get out there. After a few dates, you will thank me. But I agree the short term sucks, but it will be worth it.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- AnIdiotOnTheNet 8y ago
  I assure you, there are many many things in life that you will regret doing if you have any sense of shame or a conscience.
  - jklein11 8y ago
    Yes but there are very few things in life that you can't make better however it is very difficult to make up for lost time
JimboOmega 8y ago
Is the dating/relationships thing more of a problem in the context of Japan, or just in general?
- etatoby 8y ago
  No, in general. If anything, here I'm an "exotic" person who has done a "brave" thing (moving to another continent) and therefore I seem to be more "interesting" than I was back home. Time will tell.
thorin 8y ago
I used to have something similar in terms of dating. Not sure how old you are but once you do it once it gets easier. I had a near death experience at about 25 and a friend showed a romantic interest and we were together for a long while after that. My problem is that I either wasn't interested in anyone or I fell in love completely with all the issues that can cause but for a lot of people dating isn't quite like that...
gnulinux 8y ago
I'm 21, never asked a girl out. I'm same as you, I think I'm pretty outgoing and generally social (not to social, but I'm ok I guess) and I'm good looking too (I go to the gym 5 days a week). But the whole dating thing seems almost pointlessly stressful to me, I don't even quite know how to do it and at this age it seems embarrassing to be this inexperienced.
- mixmastamyk 8y ago
  Social activities, like all others need to be practiced regularly to become good at them. Quick question, which produces better results, going to the gym, or thinking about going to the gym over and over in your head? How about public speaking? Think of it as a muscle to be exercised. An actor friend of mine described acting in the same manner.
  - gnulinux 8y ago
    But it just seems impossible to practice. I'm 21 years old and at this age everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners but I know that I cannot fulfill those expectations, exactly because of what you said (because I never practiced those muscles). It just feels very strongly like if I ever ask a girl out I'll just make a dick out of myself. Ok, see I'm NOT shy, if I see you in a conference, I'l talk to you. I don't have social anxiety or whatever too. It just feels there is a very high probability me insulting the girl I'm hitting on (and PLEASE don't tell me "you don't have to hit on a girl, just become friends" I have tons of girl friends and that never works, if you don't ask a girl out, no matter how often you guys hang out, you're just always friends. And that's the barrier I keep hitting all the time) and thus ruining everything in a horrible manner.
    - slavoingilizov 8y ago
      > everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners This is the thinking you have to get away from. The expectations are not that great, and if you think they are, this just makes you more anxious. You'll be surprised how forgiving/nice/helpful people can be when you're vulnerable or screw up. So go and do it anyway, and ask forgiveness later.
camel_Snake 8y ago
> I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone. I can relate to this a lot. If I may make a recommendation - despite the awful name, Models[0] by Mark Manson[1] did a lot to re-frame my interaction with women I'm romantically interested in. It takes the refreshing approach that rather than learning tricks or lines like other male-oriented dating books this one comes from a place of honesty and vulnerability. He has a blog [2] if you want a taste of his writing. [0] https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24 https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-... [1] Better known for his book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck' [2] https://markmanson.net/archive https://markmanson.net/archive

shatobi 8y ago

Somewhat similar situation, though living in Tokyo already for quite a while. It would be lovely if we could hang out once.

etatoby 8y ago
I'd love to! Can you contact me at username at gmail? This also goes for anybody else who would like to meet for a drink, or for whatever question about studying / moving to Japan.
- shatobi 8y ago
  sent

kotrunga 8y ago

Are you at a language school? I started learning Japanese recently, and would love to move there one day.

etatoby 8y ago
Yes, Intercultural Institute of Japan. Awesome school, from all points of view. You need someone to work out the papers and details for you. That can be your local language school, if you have one, or an international service such as Go Go Nihon. I strongly recommend getting good at hiragana, katakana, and learning the writing (not the reading) of all 2,200 common kanji before coming here. It will make a huge difference in your rate of learning. I would focus on that, because they already cover grammar and vocabulary at a reasonable pace here at school. I used Heisig's book and the excellent Kanji Koohii website/progressive app. It's a long business, but not hard at all. It just takes time and dedication, say 1–2 hours every day for several months. But you can and should split that time into small chunks all throughout the day. Basically, whenever you're not actively working, sleeping, or driving, take out your phone and use that app. Also, if English is your 1st language, get a pronunciation coach. The vowels and many consonants are completely different. If you happen to be Italian, then you're in luck, because we have 99% the same sounds as Japanese. (Only the U is slightly different.)

zombieprocess 8y ago

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I always dream of this kind of stuff but then convince myself I am too old for this. I am 31.

thinkingkong 8y ago
Im 36. Just do it now. Youre younger than you think and in 10 years you’ll just wish you had done it anyway.
etatoby 8y ago
I'm 38, almost 39 next month ;-) I'm having a blast. Best move of my life! The only thing I slightly regret is not doing it 10 years ago. But it's still ok. I'm loving the place (Tokyo), the culture, the opportunities, the food, the way of life, and I'm making tons of friends. If I can get proficient in the language (it's looking good, I'm top of the class for now) I'll look for a job here, hopefully for an American tech company. I have a CS degree and 10+ years of experience. English is my 2nd language, but I'm way ahead than in Japanese, plus I'd rather work in a US- or EU-style workplace, because Japanese companies are scary places. I'd love to make a tech startup, I have tons of ideas. But that will depend on connections, opportunities, and visa status. Finally, girls seem to be more interested in me here, and the social dynamics seem more... relaxed? so I may have a chance to overcome my struggle. But the first step is getting good at the actual language.

sloaken 8y ago

" I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable" I had the same problem. I am sure you have heard this before"you regret what you do not do, not what you did". So SUCK IT UP, and get out there. After a few dates, you will thank me. But I agree the short term sucks, but it will be worth it.

deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
AnIdiotOnTheNet 8y ago
I assure you, there are many many things in life that you will regret doing if you have any sense of shame or a conscience.
- jklein11 8y ago
  Yes but there are very few things in life that you can't make better however it is very difficult to make up for lost time

JimboOmega 8y ago

Is the dating/relationships thing more of a problem in the context of Japan, or just in general?

etatoby 8y ago
No, in general. If anything, here I'm an "exotic" person who has done a "brave" thing (moving to another continent) and therefore I seem to be more "interesting" than I was back home. Time will tell.

thorin 8y ago

I used to have something similar in terms of dating. Not sure how old you are but once you do it once it gets easier. I had a near death experience at about 25 and a friend showed a romantic interest and we were together for a long while after that. My problem is that I either wasn't interested in anyone or I fell in love completely with all the issues that can cause but for a lot of people dating isn't quite like that...

gnulinux 8y ago

I'm 21, never asked a girl out. I'm same as you, I think I'm pretty outgoing and generally social (not to social, but I'm ok I guess) and I'm good looking too (I go to the gym 5 days a week). But the whole dating thing seems almost pointlessly stressful to me, I don't even quite know how to do it and at this age it seems embarrassing to be this inexperienced.

mixmastamyk 8y ago
Social activities, like all others need to be practiced regularly to become good at them. Quick question, which produces better results, going to the gym, or thinking about going to the gym over and over in your head? How about public speaking? Think of it as a muscle to be exercised. An actor friend of mine described acting in the same manner.
- gnulinux 8y ago
  But it just seems impossible to practice. I'm 21 years old and at this age everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners but I know that I cannot fulfill those expectations, exactly because of what you said (because I never practiced those muscles). It just feels very strongly like if I ever ask a girl out I'll just make a dick out of myself. Ok, see I'm NOT shy, if I see you in a conference, I'l talk to you. I don't have social anxiety or whatever too. It just feels there is a very high probability me insulting the girl I'm hitting on (and PLEASE don't tell me "you don't have to hit on a girl, just become friends" I have tons of girl friends and that never works, if you don't ask a girl out, no matter how often you guys hang out, you're just always friends. And that's the barrier I keep hitting all the time) and thus ruining everything in a horrible manner.
  - slavoingilizov 8y ago
    > everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners This is the thinking you have to get away from. The expectations are not that great, and if you think they are, this just makes you more anxious. You'll be surprised how forgiving/nice/helpful people can be when you're vulnerable or screw up. So go and do it anyway, and ask forgiveness later.

camel_Snake 8y ago

> I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone. I can relate to this a lot. If I may make a recommendation - despite the awful name, Models[0] by Mark Manson[1] did a lot to re-frame my interaction with women I'm romantically interested in. It takes the refreshing approach that rather than learning tricks or lines like other male-oriented dating books this one comes from a place of honesty and vulnerability. He has a blog [2] if you want a taste of his writing. [0] https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24 https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-... [1] Better known for his book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck' [2] https://markmanson.net/archive https://markmanson.net/archive