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I am a 27 year-old woman and I am getting to the point where I will have to choose between my career (in tech, all-male team) and having a child. My partner an

I am a 27 year-old woman and I am getting to the point where I will have to choose between my career (in tech, all-male team) and having a child. My partner and I both want children. We are not yet married and we do not yet have a house. Despite this, I really can't wait too much longer to get pregnant, or else risk fertility issues. And yet, the moment I get pregnant, my job is at risk (even though legally it shouldn't be) Men really have no idea what it is like to have this struggle. I am both afraid for the career I will undoubtedly lose or the child I might struggle to conceive if I wait much longer. :(

toomuchtodo 8y ago
My wife and I waited until our 30s to have kids, for both medical and financial reasons. We lucked out that my job at the time of our first child provided 3 months of paternity leave, and my job when we had our second child provided 4 months. Even though we're well off, it's very expensive living in the US as a family of four on one income, and you're one job termination or healthcare emergency away from poverty. Due to very helpful HN posters, we're looking at me getting a Blue Card [1] so we can move to Germany or Belgium; I'll take a substantial pay cut, but the work culture, employment regulations, and family support services will more than make up for it. I recognize that I'm not a temporarily embarrassed millionaire. [2] America is a terrific place to be a business owner, but a terrible place to be an employee, have kids, or raise a family. You and your partner might consider looking for greener pastures. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Card_(European_Union) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Card_(European_Union) [2] http://www.temporarilyembarrassedmillionaires.org/ http://www.temporarilyembarrassedmillionaires.org/
toasterlovin 8y ago
Have children. Careers are ephemeral; when you stop working, they cease to exist or matter. Your children, though, will almost certainly outlast you. And each or your children will be a precious human life that was only possible because you brought it into existence.
- mrchicity 8y ago
  This. Not having children sooner is one of my deepest regrets. My wife and I had our first when we were 30, and luckily, another through IVF, which is far more complicated, painful, emotionally draining and expensive than you'd expect based on how people casually talk. It's unlikely that we can ever have more, even though we could easily take care of them, and we both come from big, happy families. I was afraid to get married and start a family. It seemed so daunting and I dreaded being a bad father/husband or letting a poor innocent kid down. My parents grew up struggling in Portugal and as poor immigrants to the US and I wanted no part of that. By the time I felt ready I had a few million dollars in investments, owned a large apartment in a nice city without a mortgage and was doing well in a very competitive job (HFT). And it ended up not mattering a bit. My industry got decimated, just as I'd feared, and I never touched a single dollar of the money I had put away. My kids never starved. My wife still had her job. I work hard and am somewhat clever. I found another that paid more than enough, not finance money, but plenty. Kids aren't that expensive. Once you have a family you aren't going to fancy restaurants or racking up big bar tabs every few weeks. Clothes can be cheap if you look around. Your kid doesn't need a 50k preschool. As long as you're employable in a middle or upper middle class job, you can take care of a kid. Money and career success aren't even the toughest parts. Being an old dad sucks. Everything is just physically and mentally harder than when I was in my 20s. In retrospect, I wish I were waking up at 3am to change diapers instead of getting in from the club at 26. It's a cliche but I feel more joy and personal satisfaction watching my sons grow and learn new things than anything else in the world. I've been very fortunate, had a lot of successes and cool experiences, but nothing comes close.
  - toasterlovin 8y ago
    Make sure you preach this. It's a message that people need to hear. Our children's generation is getting decimated before they are even born. I look at my Facebook and I'm saddened to realize that half of my friends probably won't have kids. They're great people and a world with their children in it would be a better world.
    - mrchicity 8y ago
TheCoelacanth 8y ago
The amount that fertility decreases with age is vastly overstated in most popular media. Much of the data for the most commonly quoted statistics about it comes from before the medical field discovered antibiotics or hand-washing. In a study of modern women, the decrease in fertility from age 28 to age 37 was determined to be about 4%[1]. There is a sharp decrease in the late 30's, but before that the drop-off is quite small. [1] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-lon...

toomuchtodo 8y ago

My wife and I waited until our 30s to have kids, for both medical and financial reasons. We lucked out that my job at the time of our first child provided 3 months of paternity leave, and my job when we had our second child provided 4 months. Even though we're well off, it's very expensive living in the US as a family of four on one income, and you're one job termination or healthcare emergency away from poverty. Due to very helpful HN posters, we're looking at me getting a Blue Card [1] so we can move to Germany or Belgium; I'll take a substantial pay cut, but the work culture, employment regulations, and family support services will more than make up for it. I recognize that I'm not a temporarily embarrassed millionaire. [2] America is a terrific place to be a business owner, but a terrible place to be an employee, have kids, or raise a family. You and your partner might consider looking for greener pastures. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Card_(European_Union) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Card_(European_Union) [2] http://www.temporarilyembarrassedmillionaires.org/ http://www.temporarilyembarrassedmillionaires.org/

toasterlovin 8y ago

Have children. Careers are ephemeral; when you stop working, they cease to exist or matter. Your children, though, will almost certainly outlast you. And each or your children will be a precious human life that was only possible because you brought it into existence.

mrchicity 8y ago
This. Not having children sooner is one of my deepest regrets. My wife and I had our first when we were 30, and luckily, another through IVF, which is far more complicated, painful, emotionally draining and expensive than you'd expect based on how people casually talk. It's unlikely that we can ever have more, even though we could easily take care of them, and we both come from big, happy families. I was afraid to get married and start a family. It seemed so daunting and I dreaded being a bad father/husband or letting a poor innocent kid down. My parents grew up struggling in Portugal and as poor immigrants to the US and I wanted no part of that. By the time I felt ready I had a few million dollars in investments, owned a large apartment in a nice city without a mortgage and was doing well in a very competitive job (HFT). And it ended up not mattering a bit. My industry got decimated, just as I'd feared, and I never touched a single dollar of the money I had put away. My kids never starved. My wife still had her job. I work hard and am somewhat clever. I found another that paid more than enough, not finance money, but plenty. Kids aren't that expensive. Once you have a family you aren't going to fancy restaurants or racking up big bar tabs every few weeks. Clothes can be cheap if you look around. Your kid doesn't need a 50k preschool. As long as you're employable in a middle or upper middle class job, you can take care of a kid. Money and career success aren't even the toughest parts. Being an old dad sucks. Everything is just physically and mentally harder than when I was in my 20s. In retrospect, I wish I were waking up at 3am to change diapers instead of getting in from the club at 26. It's a cliche but I feel more joy and personal satisfaction watching my sons grow and learn new things than anything else in the world. I've been very fortunate, had a lot of successes and cool experiences, but nothing comes close.
- toasterlovin 8y ago
  Make sure you preach this. It's a message that people need to hear. Our children's generation is getting decimated before they are even born. I look at my Facebook and I'm saddened to realize that half of my friends probably won't have kids. They're great people and a world with their children in it would be a better world.
  - mrchicity 8y ago

TheCoelacanth 8y ago

The amount that fertility decreases with age is vastly overstated in most popular media. Much of the data for the most commonly quoted statistics about it comes from before the medical field discovered antibiotics or hand-washing. In a study of modern women, the decrease in fertility from age 28 to age 37 was determined to be about 4%[1]. There is a sharp decrease in the late 30's, but before that the drop-off is quite small. [1] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-lon...