I went through some very traumatic experiences during my sophomore year of high school. I can't say 100% that it "started" my trich, but within that same year,

I went through some very traumatic experiences during my sophomore year of high school. I can't say 100% that it "started" my trich, but within that same year, I began pulling coarse/kinky black hairs from my head because I felt like they were out of place. I was fascinated by their presence among all my blonde hair. Moving into college I started targeting other more subtle areas like sideburns and my beard. I found that I could pull on these areas in the middle of class without drawing much attention to myself. Back in the privacy of my dorm room, I would pull pubic hairs to relieve the stress I felt while racking my brain over challenging math problems (I was a math major). During this same time, I also developed an addiction to pornography. Fast forward, I just had my 33rd birthday. I haven't looked at pornography in over 5 years. But I'm still struggling with pulling out my hair. And that's how I know how much of a stronghold this has on my life. I do it mainly when I'm self-soothing or just under a lot of stress. I know my triggers and I still can't defeat this thing. I have tried N-acetylcysteine, shaving my hair short, prayer. My wife will even swat my hand down (bless her heart) if she sees me reaching for a hair. But then I end up getting mad at her for not letting me have my fix. My theory is that I don't truly value and love myself and that's why I'm willing to inflict damage upon myself. Sometimes I even use pulling to "punish" myself for not understanding technical things. It's self-mutilating and there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with it. I'm still hopeful that one day I can overcome this habit (disorder?). I sure as hell don't want to have kids and have them grow up watching daddy pull hairs.