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> The sooner we get rid of the emotion, the better, probably. Let's look at how this plays out in the real world. Someone gets dumped because they were a terri
by mrxd 8y ago
> The sooner we get rid of the emotion, the better, probably.
Let's look at how this plays out in the real world. Someone gets dumped because they were a terrible partner. We hope that the pain of loss motivates them to do better in their next relationship. They briefly feel bad, but start using the technique of "negative reappraisal" (the more common term is "blaming the other person"). This rapidly decreases their distress in the short term, but it also makes them avoid looking at their behavior and making changes, so they make the same mistakes in their next relationship, and the cycle repeats.
- buxtehude 8y agoPerhaps both of you are right in your own way. It is important and valuable to take time to reflect on how your behavior may have led to the negative outcome and think about how you could better yourself for the future - but take care not to be too self critical! Many people spend too much time in self pity and sadness over this kind of loss (I'm certainly guilty of this). Once you've done the necessary self-reflection - please start to move on. Hanging on to idealized memories of "we" takes you down a road of pain and not towards the future. Let it go. If "negative reappraisal" helps you let go - when you are ready - so much the better. Life is short, and your best "dating years" are an even shorter span of time - use them wisely - find someone worthy of you and enjoy your time together.
- bvy 8y agoGoing back to the back pain analogy--maybe it's the difference between taking painkillers to manage the pain rather than attempting to address the cause (posture).