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Oh, this is so me. Except I'm constantly convinced I'm having a heart attack. For some reason I associate a fast pulse with imminent death. Then I start to pani

Oh, this is so me. Except I'm constantly convinced I'm having a heart attack. For some reason I associate a fast pulse with imminent death. Then I start to panic and the adrenaline floods in and guess what? My pulse gets faster and the cycle continues. It usually comes up out of nowhere when I'm alone, like I'm convinced I'm going to pass out and nobody is going to know and I'll die for lack of treatment. My doctor actually laughed at me when I described taking a shower, feeling my pulse go up, and imagining passing out, the hot water running out and me dying of a combined heart attack / hypothermia / drowning situation because it would be hours before anyone noticed I was missing. Don't get me started on what goes through my head while driving alone on a highway or, the horror, being out on a lake in a canoe. I try to ride my bike at least 16km a day, and it does help condition me to experiencing a high pulse without sudden death. EKG, stress test, heart ultrasound all came back perfect save for the palpitations, which my doctor described as "extremely, extremely benign." I feel better for a little while after every test but it inevitably comes back, as if I constantly need a medical professional to explain to me that I'm not dying. Are you considering treatment? I'm certainly thinking about it at this point.

fb03 8y ago
Reading your answer made me feel a little less crazy (thank you?). It is actually reassuring to know there are people experiencing the same stuff and doubts, and that i'm not alone. We all should really talk about this with our friends, coworkers, etc. We should let the word out. I don't know about you but I feel embarrassed of this condition, like I'm a lesser person because of this. And not talking about it makes me even more anxious... I don't like admitting it. When I talk about it freely (like I am doing now, in a somewhat leap of confidence (hopelessness? haah)) I feel way more relaxed and the monster becomes a little smaller. We are probably fine bro! You certainly wouldn't be able to bike 16km with a heart condition. It's all in our heads. Also, there is a lot of it to being a perfectionist. I somewhere read that having a low pulse is a good sign. When I'm really relaxed my pulse is like, 60-58bpm.... now picture this: I am at work right now, sitting in my chair, typing this and juggling 10 other tasks, I am definitely not relaxed. Just measured my pulse using a cellphone app, I'm at 70bpm, which is quite good (since the normal range is 60-100). BUT: - Why did I measure my HR in the first place just because I read about yours, even tho I am not experiencing any kind of symptoms right now? - Having measured it, and seeing a pretty normal number, why am I not satisfied? why am I apprehensive that it's not the 'best' number that could come out, it's only a 'good' number? I would have had some reason to be worried if i was sitting here feeling absolutely nothing and then I got a reading of idk, 105bpm. So why everything has to be always perfect in my head? We create these fantasies that things are/should be clear cut in real life, but we know everything is chaotic and imperfect. As we cling more and more into our 'perfect mental models' we suffer because it will always mismatch with reality. We should take a moment to stop and be grateful for what we have, instead of suffering for not attaining the perfect unattainable pattern we strive for. Answering your question: I have taken meds before (Xanax), and all symptoms went away, and then my ocd kinda receded too, I had a phase I simply forgot about all this and just lived. I am off it now because my doctor said I am already experienced enough to power through the panic attacks, and she knew I have a preference for not being on meds if I can (which is where I am now - trying to be sane and exercise and eat well and just power through). My BP phobia is really hard on me but if I don't relapse to the 'measuring everyday all day long' stage I am not going back to meds, nope. I want the real thing. Right now I am managing it quite okay, following the shrink's recommendation to just NOT MEASURE IT. not even if i have symptoms, not even if i have palpitations. The thought occurs to me and I try to acknowledge it and talk myself out of it, much like starting to meditate. Sorry for the huge answer but I felt 'at home' sharing this with you since it looks like we are very similar in this regard. Hope this helps you and everyone that reads this. If you wanna reach out, I am here. o/
- august9 8y ago
  Well, reading yours made me feel less crazy. I feel like you don't hear about this aspect of mental illness that often. It's like a weird cross-section between anxiety, hypochondria, and OCD (which I hadn't considered before). My doctor referred to it as "hypervigilance" and it seems like there is plenty of literature out there concerning it. This study actually looks pretty interesting: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2862826/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2862826/ I stopped actually counting my pulse a while back. It wasn't exactly willful... more like I just don't want to know because it's probably artificially high and it's not like I've ever felt better after checking it anyway. I know I'm in good health, which is where the "I'm not dying, just a little crazy" thoughts come in. When it gets really bad most of my energy is spent remembering that I can do things like ride 16km and feel just fine, despite feeling like I can't breathe and my heart is going to jump out of my chest and my nerve endings feel like they're on fire. Xanax has been recommended to me but I'm very reluctant to start down that road. I can't really justify why, it just seems slightly scary or somehow unpleasant. Also, you're right. I should communicate with those around me a little better. It gets very awkward trying to explain an attack away. Thanks for talking!
  - fb03 8y ago
    > Well, reading yours made me feel less crazy. Btw, I believe my wording made you think that somehow I said that you're crazier than me ahhaah and I feel better because I know there are 'crazier people than me'. English is not my first language, so sorry :-) What i really meant is that it feels good to know there are people going through the same stuff, because usually when we are having these symptoms, we tend to feel really alone ("why does this only occur to me?"), which is wrong -- there are lots of people going through this. Don't be scared of Xanax, I took it for two years and it really helped. It won't cure you, but it will do better: if you're struggling too much (daily) it will give you some time off to reorganize your thoughts and understand the whole situation (when you're in panic you're not able to have a logical train of thought, right?). And with better understanding comes better mental tools to deal with it (reassurance, previous experience, etc). Have a good one!
fb03 8y ago
PS: I am so obsessed with it that i measured it 4 or 5 more times. Now it's at 65 bpm, and I am now satisfied. this sucks

fb03 8y ago

Reading your answer made me feel a little less crazy (thank you?). It is actually reassuring to know there are people experiencing the same stuff and doubts, and that i'm not alone. We all should really talk about this with our friends, coworkers, etc. We should let the word out. I don't know about you but I feel embarrassed of this condition, like I'm a lesser person because of this. And not talking about it makes me even more anxious... I don't like admitting it. When I talk about it freely (like I am doing now, in a somewhat leap of confidence (hopelessness? haah)) I feel way more relaxed and the monster becomes a little smaller. We are probably fine bro! You certainly wouldn't be able to bike 16km with a heart condition. It's all in our heads. Also, there is a lot of it to being a perfectionist. I somewhere read that having a low pulse is a good sign. When I'm really relaxed my pulse is like, 60-58bpm.... now picture this: I am at work right now, sitting in my chair, typing this and juggling 10 other tasks, I am definitely not relaxed. Just measured my pulse using a cellphone app, I'm at 70bpm, which is quite good (since the normal range is 60-100). BUT: - Why did I measure my HR in the first place just because I read about yours, even tho I am not experiencing any kind of symptoms right now? - Having measured it, and seeing a pretty normal number, why am I not satisfied? why am I apprehensive that it's not the 'best' number that could come out, it's only a 'good' number? I would have had some reason to be worried if i was sitting here feeling absolutely nothing and then I got a reading of idk, 105bpm. So why everything has to be always perfect in my head? We create these fantasies that things are/should be clear cut in real life, but we know everything is chaotic and imperfect. As we cling more and more into our 'perfect mental models' we suffer because it will always mismatch with reality. We should take a moment to stop and be grateful for what we have, instead of suffering for not attaining the perfect unattainable pattern we strive for. Answering your question: I have taken meds before (Xanax), and all symptoms went away, and then my ocd kinda receded too, I had a phase I simply forgot about all this and just lived. I am off it now because my doctor said I am already experienced enough to power through the panic attacks, and she knew I have a preference for not being on meds if I can (which is where I am now - trying to be sane and exercise and eat well and just power through). My BP phobia is really hard on me but if I don't relapse to the 'measuring everyday all day long' stage I am not going back to meds, nope. I want the real thing. Right now I am managing it quite okay, following the shrink's recommendation to just NOT MEASURE IT. not even if i have symptoms, not even if i have palpitations. The thought occurs to me and I try to acknowledge it and talk myself out of it, much like starting to meditate. Sorry for the huge answer but I felt 'at home' sharing this with you since it looks like we are very similar in this regard. Hope this helps you and everyone that reads this. If you wanna reach out, I am here. o/

august9 8y ago
Well, reading yours made me feel less crazy. I feel like you don't hear about this aspect of mental illness that often. It's like a weird cross-section between anxiety, hypochondria, and OCD (which I hadn't considered before). My doctor referred to it as "hypervigilance" and it seems like there is plenty of literature out there concerning it. This study actually looks pretty interesting: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2862826/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2862826/ I stopped actually counting my pulse a while back. It wasn't exactly willful... more like I just don't want to know because it's probably artificially high and it's not like I've ever felt better after checking it anyway. I know I'm in good health, which is where the "I'm not dying, just a little crazy" thoughts come in. When it gets really bad most of my energy is spent remembering that I can do things like ride 16km and feel just fine, despite feeling like I can't breathe and my heart is going to jump out of my chest and my nerve endings feel like they're on fire. Xanax has been recommended to me but I'm very reluctant to start down that road. I can't really justify why, it just seems slightly scary or somehow unpleasant. Also, you're right. I should communicate with those around me a little better. It gets very awkward trying to explain an attack away. Thanks for talking!
- fb03 8y ago
  > Well, reading yours made me feel less crazy. Btw, I believe my wording made you think that somehow I said that you're crazier than me ahhaah and I feel better because I know there are 'crazier people than me'. English is not my first language, so sorry :-) What i really meant is that it feels good to know there are people going through the same stuff, because usually when we are having these symptoms, we tend to feel really alone ("why does this only occur to me?"), which is wrong -- there are lots of people going through this. Don't be scared of Xanax, I took it for two years and it really helped. It won't cure you, but it will do better: if you're struggling too much (daily) it will give you some time off to reorganize your thoughts and understand the whole situation (when you're in panic you're not able to have a logical train of thought, right?). And with better understanding comes better mental tools to deal with it (reassurance, previous experience, etc). Have a good one!

fb03 8y ago

PS: I am so obsessed with it that i measured it 4 or 5 more times. Now it's at 65 bpm, and I am now satisfied. this sucks