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I’m Australian and my wife Norwegian. Norwegians are very very relaxed with their kids, and so are Australians for the most part... That said my wife, left un

I’m Australian and my wife Norwegian. Norwegians are very very relaxed with their kids, and so are Australians for the most part... That said my wife, left unchecked, is a helicopter parent... it’s inherited by her mother who is the most anxious person I’ve ever met, my sister in law is also as anxious. So I always have to try and help my wife relax and have less anxiety with our daughter. One thing is when our daughter falls over... my wife and her side of the family’s reaction is to run over and repeat in Norwegian “you poor thing” or something to it’s like. Where as my side of the family.. we almost celebrate falling over, we treat it like a positive. “Ohh come on get up” said in a very positive tone. Then we clap our hands and say “yay” when my daughter gets up. The difference, my daughter almost never cries when she falls over. If she really hurts herself of course we will go to her, I’m not a monster... but other kids could fall over and scream for an hour over the smallest of falls. Why? Because their parents run to them and try to wrap them in cotton wool. My point with all this, is parenting styles from what I’ve witnessed isn’t really based on nationality.. but more the cultural norms, and how you were brought up. I have read that the great generation, had a very very hands off parental approach. The boomers had a more hands on approach, and then gen X and gen Y seem for the more part to have a much more hands on approach than their parents. I’m gen Y, my wife gen X. I think there’s a lot more factors involved here than just nationality.

charmides 8y ago
Do you all live in Norway?
andreshb 8y ago
Reaction to a child falling across cultures is so interesting in its differences. In a lot of countries in Latin America, when a toddler falls, all adults look away, to pretend as if we did not notice the child fell. The logic goes that if the child has an audience, they will cry, otherwise, they will just dust it off and keep playing.
- intothemild 8y ago
  I've had other parents explain to me that if you run to your child and make a huge fuss, that they will react as such. So in future if they fall and don't hurt themselves, they will cry. I don't know what the efficacy of this is, but it doesn't hurt to try.
nadezhda18 8y ago
> other kids could fall over and scream for an hour over the smallest of falls. Why? From what I have learned so far by reading various parents' comments etc, all kids are very different and making general conclusions like this one seems to be pointless / incorrect. Your first kid may be calm and chill and your second one can be agitated (or vice versa) while your parenting style stays the same. Why? Because these are two different humans and not something else.
- intothemild 8y ago
  Ahh, Nurture vs Nature.. Of course two children could be totally different. But you cannot deny that the influence you have as a parent. I gave the scenario of my mother-in-law, and her two daughters. My mother-in-law is 1 of 3 sisters, a very anxious person. Her two sisters polar opposites. Their mother a very calm, very hands off parent. Right there is a great example of your point. 3 children, 2 similar, one the same. Now where it gets interesting, is my mother-in-law had 2 daughters... both as anxious as their mother. Where my mother-in-laws two sisters, whom are very laid back and hands off as parents. Their children are also laid back and relaxed, much more so than my wife and her sister. This is anecdotal for sure, but so is cherry picking comments from online and drawing a conclusion. I'm not saying that my comments are 100% accurate, not even close.. I'm saying in my observations this is the driving factor in the parenting choices I've decided to make for my daughter, and no one else's.
  - nadezhda18 8y ago
    > you cannot deny that the influence you have as a parent for sure, I agree with you. It seems to me that it is better to make conclusions looking at grown adults and families in total - like you did with your in-laws. I just wanted to say there might be a tendency to look at screaming (or in this case, it would be anxious) kids and generalize and criticize their parents for bad parenting skills / inability to deal with kids / whatever; meanwhile, it's not their fault. Just good to remember that. (Edits: minor formatting)
    - intothemild 8y ago
throwawy3589 8y ago
The only thing that has changed is that people aren't having as many kids and are starting later. Having 5+ kids wasn common 2 generations ago. Older siblings could take care of the younger so parents didn't have to stress so much. If a kid died due to an accident or disease it wasn't so bad, relatively speaking. Compare that to a 35+ year old couple with 1-2 kids. They have to handle everything and worry because if something happens they don't have another shot. Helicopter parenting is just a natural reaction in western countries caused by reduced fertility.
xevb3k 8y ago
A lot of men in tech don’t spend a lot of time looking after their kids. They then criticise their wives parenting methods. I’m not saying this is what you’re doing, but it’s made me a cynic about most of what I read on HN.
- intothemild 8y ago
  That’s quite the generalisation. I don’t know many parents in tech, but the ones that I know spend a lot of time with their kids. I devote a large amount of time to my daughter. The other parents who are in tech are quite similar. Perhaps I live in a bubble here in Norway.
  - xevb3k 8y ago
    There’s a reasonable amount of evidence that fathers still don’t do their share of parenting in general: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jul/05/childcare-men-pull-weight https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jul/05/childca... Though I’d be interested in more stats on this. I’ve known enough HN’ers and tech fathers in real life who talk a lot but don’t look after their kids to have become cynical myself.
    - intothemild 8y ago
      Ahh yes. I agree. Men don’t do their share of parenting as a whole. I thought you were saying this is specific to tech, of which I’d disagree. It’s more wide spread than that.
      - xevb3k 8y ago
        Yes, my phrasing was not ideal. I don’t know if it’s particular bad in tech. But it is a general problem I’ve seen (and also noticed in tech).
Markoff 8y ago
I am from EU and have similar attitude, I mean if child would be hurt it would start to cry, if it ain't really hurt they just expect from parent what to do - I just say to my child "it's nothing" and it continue playing, if it hurts a bit child call me to blow it without crying and cry really only when has reason to cry. Then I see other children who just fall down, nothing serious, they seem fine but their mother arrives saying oh you poor thing, did you hurt yourself etc pushing and pushing child to start crying making drama out of nothing. It's basic psychology child repeat reaction after parents, if you make it big thing child will make it big thing too. Sadly I can't say this would be really national thing because I see way too many people with approach I don't agree with. But you can usually see difference between more laid back fathers and stressed mothers and also overprotective grandparents (which ain't really bad considering their physical abilities, but sadly despite being overprotective they just don't realize some real dangers like my mother thinking when it's 33C in shadow and i prefer to stay in AC place with my child instead of baking outside). To the guy below saying men on HN don't take care of their children, my wife went to work and I was home with our first, now with second (and also the first) we are both at home and I am helping around taking care of older, cooking etc.

charmides 8y ago

Do you all live in Norway?

andreshb 8y ago

Reaction to a child falling across cultures is so interesting in its differences. In a lot of countries in Latin America, when a toddler falls, all adults look away, to pretend as if we did not notice the child fell. The logic goes that if the child has an audience, they will cry, otherwise, they will just dust it off and keep playing.

intothemild 8y ago
I've had other parents explain to me that if you run to your child and make a huge fuss, that they will react as such. So in future if they fall and don't hurt themselves, they will cry. I don't know what the efficacy of this is, but it doesn't hurt to try.

nadezhda18 8y ago

> other kids could fall over and scream for an hour over the smallest of falls. Why? From what I have learned so far by reading various parents' comments etc, all kids are very different and making general conclusions like this one seems to be pointless / incorrect. Your first kid may be calm and chill and your second one can be agitated (or vice versa) while your parenting style stays the same. Why? Because these are two different humans and not something else.

intothemild 8y ago
Ahh, Nurture vs Nature.. Of course two children could be totally different. But you cannot deny that the influence you have as a parent. I gave the scenario of my mother-in-law, and her two daughters. My mother-in-law is 1 of 3 sisters, a very anxious person. Her two sisters polar opposites. Their mother a very calm, very hands off parent. Right there is a great example of your point. 3 children, 2 similar, one the same. Now where it gets interesting, is my mother-in-law had 2 daughters... both as anxious as their mother. Where my mother-in-laws two sisters, whom are very laid back and hands off as parents. Their children are also laid back and relaxed, much more so than my wife and her sister. This is anecdotal for sure, but so is cherry picking comments from online and drawing a conclusion. I'm not saying that my comments are 100% accurate, not even close.. I'm saying in my observations this is the driving factor in the parenting choices I've decided to make for my daughter, and no one else's.
- nadezhda18 8y ago
  > you cannot deny that the influence you have as a parent for sure, I agree with you. It seems to me that it is better to make conclusions looking at grown adults and families in total - like you did with your in-laws. I just wanted to say there might be a tendency to look at screaming (or in this case, it would be anxious) kids and generalize and criticize their parents for bad parenting skills / inability to deal with kids / whatever; meanwhile, it's not their fault. Just good to remember that. (Edits: minor formatting)
  - intothemild 8y ago

throwawy3589 8y ago

The only thing that has changed is that people aren't having as many kids and are starting later. Having 5+ kids wasn common 2 generations ago. Older siblings could take care of the younger so parents didn't have to stress so much. If a kid died due to an accident or disease it wasn't so bad, relatively speaking. Compare that to a 35+ year old couple with 1-2 kids. They have to handle everything and worry because if something happens they don't have another shot. Helicopter parenting is just a natural reaction in western countries caused by reduced fertility.

xevb3k 8y ago

A lot of men in tech don’t spend a lot of time looking after their kids. They then criticise their wives parenting methods. I’m not saying this is what you’re doing, but it’s made me a cynic about most of what I read on HN.

intothemild 8y ago
That’s quite the generalisation. I don’t know many parents in tech, but the ones that I know spend a lot of time with their kids. I devote a large amount of time to my daughter. The other parents who are in tech are quite similar. Perhaps I live in a bubble here in Norway.
- xevb3k 8y ago
  There’s a reasonable amount of evidence that fathers still don’t do their share of parenting in general: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jul/05/childcare-men-pull-weight https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jul/05/childca... Though I’d be interested in more stats on this. I’ve known enough HN’ers and tech fathers in real life who talk a lot but don’t look after their kids to have become cynical myself.
  - intothemild 8y ago
    Ahh yes. I agree. Men don’t do their share of parenting as a whole. I thought you were saying this is specific to tech, of which I’d disagree. It’s more wide spread than that.
    - xevb3k 8y ago
      Yes, my phrasing was not ideal. I don’t know if it’s particular bad in tech. But it is a general problem I’ve seen (and also noticed in tech).

Markoff 8y ago

I am from EU and have similar attitude, I mean if child would be hurt it would start to cry, if it ain't really hurt they just expect from parent what to do - I just say to my child "it's nothing" and it continue playing, if it hurts a bit child call me to blow it without crying and cry really only when has reason to cry. Then I see other children who just fall down, nothing serious, they seem fine but their mother arrives saying oh you poor thing, did you hurt yourself etc pushing and pushing child to start crying making drama out of nothing. It's basic psychology child repeat reaction after parents, if you make it big thing child will make it big thing too. Sadly I can't say this would be really national thing because I see way too many people with approach I don't agree with. But you can usually see difference between more laid back fathers and stressed mothers and also overprotective grandparents (which ain't really bad considering their physical abilities, but sadly despite being overprotective they just don't realize some real dangers like my mother thinking when it's 33C in shadow and i prefer to stay in AC place with my child instead of baking outside). To the guy below saying men on HN don't take care of their children, my wife went to work and I was home with our first, now with second (and also the first) we are both at home and I am helping around taking care of older, cooking etc.