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> There are likely tens of matches for me within a 5 minute drive, I just don't know how to find them. I have found meetup.com to be exactly this. Not everybo

> There are likely tens of matches for me within a 5 minute drive, I just don't know how to find them. I have found meetup.com to be exactly this. Not everybody at a meetup will click personally, but they're much more likely to share interests. One meetup group has completely changed my life, and I have met people I consider some of the best people I have ever encountered anywhere. And they all live right near me.

endtime 8y ago
I met my wife at a meetup, as well as some of my closest friends. Definitely recommend it if you're feeling lonely.
Kagerjay 8y ago
Same here, I've made my new best friend here. You just need to know what you are looking for, I pick mostly techmeetups and volunteer work as the common interest and to build mutual learning / bonding experience. I don't really get much out of pure generic "social" meetups though... people seem to care more about what you do VS. who you are in my opinion. Sports is another mutual bonding area too
loblollyboy 8y ago
I think almost every lonely person considers this, but when you are lonely you might also be depressed and that makes it hard t go meet other ppl because of one or some combo of the following: 1. you feel like nobody would want to associate with your miserable ass 2. you are low on energy from feeling sad and 3. you actually are not interested in anything. Thats what I went through and probably would be going through right now if it weren't for weddings/ bps I 'had' to go to and moving back home. We don't spend enough time together anymore b/c of the retarded 9-5 system we have and it just being easier to sit around and binge on content
- abledon 8y ago
  Thing about meetup.com which messes up touches on your point. Even though you may feel down... you get those small 'silces' of energy... even if they are brief.... You need to hit that 30 minute window of feeling pumped to go out and socialize. Feeling pumped? Yeah ! lets do this! goes on meetup.com.... F* the next cool thing is Sept 2. 89 hours away..... 30 minute window of feeling pumped to go socialize fades away... A better solution would be a queueing system like a video game a-la league of legends.... Want to socialize NOW.?!?! Did you just read an awesome book by Brandon Sanderson, or want to talk about FIFA ? Browse the dream app / Meetup 3.0 to see queue up spots nearby (hopefully situated at starbucks , mcdonalds, libraries or any other form of public space (that is shrinking in cities)). I'd do it myself but the legalities of a startup just seem like a truck-ton of work here in Canada (harder to setup the equivalent of a LLC).
  - swiley 8y ago
    Why do a start up? that sounds like it could be done in less than 30 lines of <insert favorite language> in CGI.
  - mattmanser 8y ago
    You're overthinking this. Pick one, put it in your diary, and go to it. No excuses. In those 30 minutes of action, commit yourself to that future action. Make it easy, in those 30 minutes plan your outfit, how to get there, look up the venue on a map, plan how much cash you'll take or what cards or whatever. Whatever excuses you come up with usually, plan against them. The group will usually say how to find them in the bar or cafe or wherever, write it down. Worst that can happen is you hate it and somehow make a fool of yourself. In front of people you will never ever see again, so who cares. Reality is you'll be welcomed, and at least one person, if not many, will go out of their way to make sure you are included. And even if your worst fear happened and it's a mini drama, you'll still get a win from going. You still get to feel great about trying. And if it doesn't click or you don't like anyone, don't go to that one again. You can just never turn up again, without any consequence. You aren't obliged.
    - huehehue 8y ago
      This is good advice but ignores moderate to severe social anxiety, depression, and many things in between. You're totally right that the worst case here is that you lose a few hours and maybe meet people you don't click with, but there's something in the mind of a lot of people that paralyzes them, or rationalizes staying in. It's not so much 30 minutes of feeling motivated or energized, it's 30 minutes of something else entirely, that you can't really psych yourself back into in much the same way that you can't "snap out of" a depressed state.
    - deleted 8y ago
      [deleted]
    - wool_gather 8y ago
      This is 100% correct. The problem is that this mental state is just completely fucked in this regard: you know that this advice is good. You know it'll help. You know you'll feel better if you do it; you'll have fun, and it'll even be easier next time! But the little monster still talks you out of it at the last minute, with your hand on the doorknob to leave the house. It can be beaten, and like I said, your advice is absolutely correct. But -- in my experience, at least -- reasoning about the situation is only part of the solution. Seeing the path does not automatically mean you will follow the path.
an_earwig 8y ago
Meetup seems to be the go to recommendation for people to get out and meet others, but I've had the problem, at least in my area, of Meetup groups consisting of people much older than who I find it hard to connect with.
aylmao 8y ago
I think a lot of this is economics, culture and the city-scape of the US. In other places (my home country included) there's no meetup.com, but there's just more community and family. Having lived in the US I've noticed the following: 1. Colleges get expensive and matter a lot, so people leave home for college if they want to achieve. Time to make new friends. 2. After college, a lot of people go where the job is-- this might be far from your family and since you went to college with a lot of people from a lot of different places, probably far from them too. Goodbye friends. 3. It's not unlikely your job brings you to a city, and US cities are notorious for having the tall downtown where most city life exists and the quiet, expansive suburbs. You're young so you move downtown. Time to make new friends. 4. Downtown will be expensive, apartments will be for rent not sale, so you'll be moving about constantly. You never form meaningful connections with neighbors. This point is interesting in that is, I feel, why people seem more glued to their phones today, interact with people around them less, and overall annoy each-other more. Their real friends are not necessarily the people around them: they live on your phone. You don't make an effort to meet people around you cause you might never see them again. Not even your neighbors: your lease is for just one year. 5. You eventually settle down and move to the suburbs. Time to make new friends. Everyone wants the lawn, but this also means houses are far between. How many people can your really interact with? Moreover, American suburbs are just that: houses. No one walks on the streets of suburbs, so meeting, bumping into and interacting with neighbors takes effort. All the time you spend shopping, working, having fun-- it's probably going to be around strangers downtown, not your neighbors. 6. You have kids, and your kids leave for college. They're not going to move back home, or to your neighborhood. They're going to go down the same path-- you better remind them to call. 7. You get very old, and then get put in a elderly home. Again, instability, and you probably have to find and make new friends. A lot about this progression seems relatively normal but are unusual where I'm from.
- mannanj 8y ago
  I think a lot of it is denial and wanting not to admit it to yourself, or to put up the appearance everything is ok. We can get pretty good at even lying to ourselves.
  - 8y ago

endtime 8y ago

I met my wife at a meetup, as well as some of my closest friends. Definitely recommend it if you're feeling lonely.

Kagerjay 8y ago

Same here, I've made my new best friend here. You just need to know what you are looking for, I pick mostly techmeetups and volunteer work as the common interest and to build mutual learning / bonding experience. I don't really get much out of pure generic "social" meetups though... people seem to care more about what you do VS. who you are in my opinion. Sports is another mutual bonding area too

loblollyboy 8y ago

I think almost every lonely person considers this, but when you are lonely you might also be depressed and that makes it hard t go meet other ppl because of one or some combo of the following: 1. you feel like nobody would want to associate with your miserable ass 2. you are low on energy from feeling sad and 3. you actually are not interested in anything. Thats what I went through and probably would be going through right now if it weren't for weddings/ bps I 'had' to go to and moving back home. We don't spend enough time together anymore b/c of the retarded 9-5 system we have and it just being easier to sit around and binge on content

abledon 8y ago
Thing about meetup.com which messes up touches on your point. Even though you may feel down... you get those small 'silces' of energy... even if they are brief.... You need to hit that 30 minute window of feeling pumped to go out and socialize. Feeling pumped? Yeah ! lets do this! goes on meetup.com.... F* the next cool thing is Sept 2. 89 hours away..... 30 minute window of feeling pumped to go socialize fades away... A better solution would be a queueing system like a video game a-la league of legends.... Want to socialize NOW.?!?! Did you just read an awesome book by Brandon Sanderson, or want to talk about FIFA ? Browse the dream app / Meetup 3.0 to see queue up spots nearby (hopefully situated at starbucks , mcdonalds, libraries or any other form of public space (that is shrinking in cities)). I'd do it myself but the legalities of a startup just seem like a truck-ton of work here in Canada (harder to setup the equivalent of a LLC).
- swiley 8y ago
  Why do a start up? that sounds like it could be done in less than 30 lines of <insert favorite language> in CGI.
- mattmanser 8y ago
  You're overthinking this. Pick one, put it in your diary, and go to it. No excuses. In those 30 minutes of action, commit yourself to that future action. Make it easy, in those 30 minutes plan your outfit, how to get there, look up the venue on a map, plan how much cash you'll take or what cards or whatever. Whatever excuses you come up with usually, plan against them. The group will usually say how to find them in the bar or cafe or wherever, write it down. Worst that can happen is you hate it and somehow make a fool of yourself. In front of people you will never ever see again, so who cares. Reality is you'll be welcomed, and at least one person, if not many, will go out of their way to make sure you are included. And even if your worst fear happened and it's a mini drama, you'll still get a win from going. You still get to feel great about trying. And if it doesn't click or you don't like anyone, don't go to that one again. You can just never turn up again, without any consequence. You aren't obliged.
  - huehehue 8y ago
    This is good advice but ignores moderate to severe social anxiety, depression, and many things in between. You're totally right that the worst case here is that you lose a few hours and maybe meet people you don't click with, but there's something in the mind of a lot of people that paralyzes them, or rationalizes staying in. It's not so much 30 minutes of feeling motivated or energized, it's 30 minutes of something else entirely, that you can't really psych yourself back into in much the same way that you can't "snap out of" a depressed state.
  - deleted 8y ago
    [deleted]
  - wool_gather 8y ago
    This is 100% correct. The problem is that this mental state is just completely fucked in this regard: you know that this advice is good. You know it'll help. You know you'll feel better if you do it; you'll have fun, and it'll even be easier next time! But the little monster still talks you out of it at the last minute, with your hand on the doorknob to leave the house. It can be beaten, and like I said, your advice is absolutely correct. But -- in my experience, at least -- reasoning about the situation is only part of the solution. Seeing the path does not automatically mean you will follow the path.

an_earwig 8y ago

Meetup seems to be the go to recommendation for people to get out and meet others, but I've had the problem, at least in my area, of Meetup groups consisting of people much older than who I find it hard to connect with.

aylmao 8y ago

I think a lot of this is economics, culture and the city-scape of the US. In other places (my home country included) there's no meetup.com, but there's just more community and family. Having lived in the US I've noticed the following: 1. Colleges get expensive and matter a lot, so people leave home for college if they want to achieve. Time to make new friends. 2. After college, a lot of people go where the job is-- this might be far from your family and since you went to college with a lot of people from a lot of different places, probably far from them too. Goodbye friends. 3. It's not unlikely your job brings you to a city, and US cities are notorious for having the tall downtown where most city life exists and the quiet, expansive suburbs. You're young so you move downtown. Time to make new friends. 4. Downtown will be expensive, apartments will be for rent not sale, so you'll be moving about constantly. You never form meaningful connections with neighbors. This point is interesting in that is, I feel, why people seem more glued to their phones today, interact with people around them less, and overall annoy each-other more. Their real friends are not necessarily the people around them: they live on your phone. You don't make an effort to meet people around you cause you might never see them again. Not even your neighbors: your lease is for just one year. 5. You eventually settle down and move to the suburbs. Time to make new friends. Everyone wants the lawn, but this also means houses are far between. How many people can your really interact with? Moreover, American suburbs are just that: houses. No one walks on the streets of suburbs, so meeting, bumping into and interacting with neighbors takes effort. All the time you spend shopping, working, having fun-- it's probably going to be around strangers downtown, not your neighbors. 6. You have kids, and your kids leave for college. They're not going to move back home, or to your neighborhood. They're going to go down the same path-- you better remind them to call. 7. You get very old, and then get put in a elderly home. Again, instability, and you probably have to find and make new friends. A lot about this progression seems relatively normal but are unusual where I'm from.

mannanj 8y ago
I think a lot of it is denial and wanting not to admit it to yourself, or to put up the appearance everything is ok. We can get pretty good at even lying to ourselves.
- 8y ago