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"What happens is not what happens. What happens is the story that we tell ourselves about what happens." A contrived example: Adult is home with parents. One

"What happens is not what happens. What happens is the story that we tell ourselves about what happens." A contrived example: Adult is home with parents. One of the parents asks her to clean up her dishes. She reacts quickly with a knee-jerk "I was going to do it! Ugh!". What happened was that the parents wanted to clean up the table. However, since the adult has this shifting narrative in her head about 'my parents don't treat me with respect', she immediately interpreted the simple request as proof or evidence that 'they are not treating me with respect' and emotionally reacted. Kind of like a vicious circle. It's kind of like when we have a bad day, we can interpret it as everything is conspiring against us. The thing is that we are interpreting what happens to us all the time. It doesn't have to be a single origin story/root cause like the author of the book in the article states. The way to look forward is to actually start taking proactive actions towards the story that you want. Since we don't exist without other people, you cannot simply spit affirmations into a mirror or make a vision board. You must put it out there with the people who are entangled in your reality. For the adult in this example, it would be something like being honest with her parents (something like non-violent communication) and telling them how she feels they are treating her without respect and working with them to "co-create" a new reality. Note: This is not my thought. It comes from a personal development organization that starts with 'L' and ends with the letter before 'l'. The extent of my involvement was going to a weekend seminar on invitation from a friend.

codetrotter 8y ago
> It comes from a personal development organization that starts with 'L' and ends with the letter before 'l'. Are they a secret organization or something :P or what is up with not wanting to state their name? As a foreigner not living in the US I have no idea what org you are talking about here, so excuse me if it is really obvious to people from the US. PS: With the font on my phone the ‘l’ looked like ‘I’ (uppercase ‘i’) rather than lowercase ‘L’. Regardless I have no idea what the name you are referring to is supposed to be.
- jupiter90000 8y ago
  Landmark Forum. They don't have the best reputation in general.
  - scarejunba 8y ago
    Thank you. But neither k nor m are the letter before i.
    - jupiter90000 8y ago
      lowercase L, not i
      - scarejunba 8y ago
        Oh haha. Thanks.
bena 8y ago
> telling them how she feels they are treating her without respect and working with them to "co-create" a new reality. You also have to be wary of people who know this as well. People are often able to hide equally shitty behaviors in the language of compromise and help. I've been told by someone that it was rude that I was texting them because they were out with someone catching up. Not that I knew that, but whatever. On the flipside, they felt free to text people the next time we were together and catching up and hanging out. And they said how rude it was for someone to tell them to not check their messages when they were hanging out. That it was controlling. It basically came down to always having the proper response to someone in order to do what they felt like doing at the time. It kind of goes with the article. It's all vaguely surface, "Let me do what I want" and then they concoct the reasoning that gets them there. The thing is that sometimes people are just flat out wrong and that person is just looking for a reason and the only real solution is for them to realize that they're being irrational. That there is no halfway point. Reminds me of a bit that happens in Fear of a Black Hat. The band is arguing with the label about the album cover. The label is complaining because it promotes violence against law enforcement as it shows a picture of the band on top of a pile of 15 dead cops. They want a different cover. The band wants the cover as is. The manager looks up from his phone and attempts to mediate the situation. He asks the band "How many cops do you want? 15?" then the label, "How many do you want? 0? Let's meet in the middle, 7 cops. Good?" The joke is that it's not the number that's the problem. There's no real compromise that can be reached here. Even one dead cop is basically giving in to the band. So it's possible the parents just asked with absolutely no disrespect in word or tone. But the adult child is simply railing against perceived slights. And them saying they "want to be treated with respect" is just being weaselly. What does that respect mean? How are you being disrespected? If you can't articulate that, then you aren't being disrespected. The problem is you, not the world.
- Retra 8y ago
  One of my roommates used to accuse me of making them uncomfortable all the time because I never talked to them (for instance, when I would walk into the kitchen and quietly wait for them to get out of the way.) It turned into an argument one day, and I just said "I hear what you're saying, but can't really change my behavior, because I just don't have anything to say to you and/or am thinking about something else." The absurd thing was that I wasn't doing anything noteworthy. Just in my head trying to map out what I wanted to do. If you're the person who 'throws the first stone', then it's pretty easy to make it look like the other person is at fault. Maybe they were uncomfortable for reasons that have nothing to do with my behavior? Maybe they don't have any reason to try and force me to be on the defensive? That makes me uncomfortable, and surely if I were more engaged I could have found some way to blame them for being in my way all the time rather than just spending time in my own thoughts. But who really wants to turn something boring and innocent into an outright conflict? People are fookn weird.
hnarn 8y ago
> This is not my thought. It comes from a personal development organization (...) I'm fairly sure that whatever organization you have in mind were NOT the original "inventors" of the idea that reality is what you make it, and that you actively can modify your subjective reality by choosing a narrative, or expectation, or whatever you want to call it. This is well used in areas like Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and you could argue that it touches on both buddhism ("wanting is suffering"), stoicism, what have you. Basically what I'm trying to say is that these organizations never make up new ideas. It's all branches of philosophy but popularized, so you don't have to apologize for the "source" of these ideas. They're very rarely original.
- murrayb 8y ago
  I suspect that the organization that the OP is referring to is Landmark and they do say that the material they present is their intellectual property and their "technology". Mostly though it's non original ideas eith added word soup.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
deltron3030 8y ago
>However, since the adult has this shifting narrative in her head about 'my parents don't treat me with respect', she immediately interpreted the simple request as proof or evidence that 'they are not treating me with respect' and emotionally reacted. Kind of like a vicious circle. It's not what you say, but how you say it. If that woman knows her parents, which I suppose she does, she would have heuristics to derive the intentions of her parents from how they're saying it. People who know each other just develop their own history of interaction and "hierarchy", and this can be weird if outsiders are involved who are much more "even" with that person.
- bena 8y ago
  Yeah, but her heuristics could also be wrong. We think we know ourselves and our subtexts a lot better than we do. Often neutral third parties can shine a lot on our biases.
  - deltron3030 8y ago
    It would depend on the relationship. Ideally, you as parent would read the situation and don't put your daughter into a defensive position, but lift her up. Unfortunately, some parents are just egomaniacs.
    - bena 8y ago
      I think this is one of the fundamental problems: we often cast people into the roles of antagonist and protagonist. Someone has to be "wrong", someone the villain. Why? Why can't it be two people who simply have a misunderstanding? Not everything is an adversarial relationship. I could easily say "Unfortunately, some children are just egomaniacs" and it would fit just as well. I'm always wary of someone who wants to put the entire burden on one side. Expecting everything to cater to one's expectations just sounds selfish. At some point, you have to compromise as well.
      - deltron3030 8y ago
        It's not about being right or wrong here, but demonstration of power in a setting where also other relationships are present (in this case the one between her and the other person).
zaptheimpaler 8y ago
Mind revealing the full name of the org? That example resonates, but I have no idea what L____H is.

codetrotter 8y ago

> It comes from a personal development organization that starts with 'L' and ends with the letter before 'l'. Are they a secret organization or something :P or what is up with not wanting to state their name? As a foreigner not living in the US I have no idea what org you are talking about here, so excuse me if it is really obvious to people from the US. PS: With the font on my phone the ‘l’ looked like ‘I’ (uppercase ‘i’) rather than lowercase ‘L’. Regardless I have no idea what the name you are referring to is supposed to be.

jupiter90000 8y ago
Landmark Forum. They don't have the best reputation in general.
- scarejunba 8y ago
  Thank you. But neither k nor m are the letter before i.
  - jupiter90000 8y ago
    lowercase L, not i
    - scarejunba 8y ago
      Oh haha. Thanks.

bena 8y ago

> telling them how she feels they are treating her without respect and working with them to "co-create" a new reality. You also have to be wary of people who know this as well. People are often able to hide equally shitty behaviors in the language of compromise and help. I've been told by someone that it was rude that I was texting them because they were out with someone catching up. Not that I knew that, but whatever. On the flipside, they felt free to text people the next time we were together and catching up and hanging out. And they said how rude it was for someone to tell them to not check their messages when they were hanging out. That it was controlling. It basically came down to always having the proper response to someone in order to do what they felt like doing at the time. It kind of goes with the article. It's all vaguely surface, "Let me do what I want" and then they concoct the reasoning that gets them there. The thing is that sometimes people are just flat out wrong and that person is just looking for a reason and the only real solution is for them to realize that they're being irrational. That there is no halfway point. Reminds me of a bit that happens in Fear of a Black Hat. The band is arguing with the label about the album cover. The label is complaining because it promotes violence against law enforcement as it shows a picture of the band on top of a pile of 15 dead cops. They want a different cover. The band wants the cover as is. The manager looks up from his phone and attempts to mediate the situation. He asks the band "How many cops do you want? 15?" then the label, "How many do you want? 0? Let's meet in the middle, 7 cops. Good?" The joke is that it's not the number that's the problem. There's no real compromise that can be reached here. Even one dead cop is basically giving in to the band. So it's possible the parents just asked with absolutely no disrespect in word or tone. But the adult child is simply railing against perceived slights. And them saying they "want to be treated with respect" is just being weaselly. What does that respect mean? How are you being disrespected? If you can't articulate that, then you aren't being disrespected. The problem is you, not the world.

Retra 8y ago
One of my roommates used to accuse me of making them uncomfortable all the time because I never talked to them (for instance, when I would walk into the kitchen and quietly wait for them to get out of the way.) It turned into an argument one day, and I just said "I hear what you're saying, but can't really change my behavior, because I just don't have anything to say to you and/or am thinking about something else." The absurd thing was that I wasn't doing anything noteworthy. Just in my head trying to map out what I wanted to do. If you're the person who 'throws the first stone', then it's pretty easy to make it look like the other person is at fault. Maybe they were uncomfortable for reasons that have nothing to do with my behavior? Maybe they don't have any reason to try and force me to be on the defensive? That makes me uncomfortable, and surely if I were more engaged I could have found some way to blame them for being in my way all the time rather than just spending time in my own thoughts. But who really wants to turn something boring and innocent into an outright conflict? People are fookn weird.

hnarn 8y ago

> This is not my thought. It comes from a personal development organization (...) I'm fairly sure that whatever organization you have in mind were NOT the original "inventors" of the idea that reality is what you make it, and that you actively can modify your subjective reality by choosing a narrative, or expectation, or whatever you want to call it. This is well used in areas like Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and you could argue that it touches on both buddhism ("wanting is suffering"), stoicism, what have you. Basically what I'm trying to say is that these organizations never make up new ideas. It's all branches of philosophy but popularized, so you don't have to apologize for the "source" of these ideas. They're very rarely original.

murrayb 8y ago
I suspect that the organization that the OP is referring to is Landmark and they do say that the material they present is their intellectual property and their "technology". Mostly though it's non original ideas eith added word soup.

deleted 8y ago

[deleted]

deltron3030 8y ago

>However, since the adult has this shifting narrative in her head about 'my parents don't treat me with respect', she immediately interpreted the simple request as proof or evidence that 'they are not treating me with respect' and emotionally reacted. Kind of like a vicious circle. It's not what you say, but how you say it. If that woman knows her parents, which I suppose she does, she would have heuristics to derive the intentions of her parents from how they're saying it. People who know each other just develop their own history of interaction and "hierarchy", and this can be weird if outsiders are involved who are much more "even" with that person.

bena 8y ago
Yeah, but her heuristics could also be wrong. We think we know ourselves and our subtexts a lot better than we do. Often neutral third parties can shine a lot on our biases.
- deltron3030 8y ago
  It would depend on the relationship. Ideally, you as parent would read the situation and don't put your daughter into a defensive position, but lift her up. Unfortunately, some parents are just egomaniacs.
  - bena 8y ago
    I think this is one of the fundamental problems: we often cast people into the roles of antagonist and protagonist. Someone has to be "wrong", someone the villain. Why? Why can't it be two people who simply have a misunderstanding? Not everything is an adversarial relationship. I could easily say "Unfortunately, some children are just egomaniacs" and it would fit just as well. I'm always wary of someone who wants to put the entire burden on one side. Expecting everything to cater to one's expectations just sounds selfish. At some point, you have to compromise as well.
    - deltron3030 8y ago
      It's not about being right or wrong here, but demonstration of power in a setting where also other relationships are present (in this case the one between her and the other person).

zaptheimpaler 8y ago

Mind revealing the full name of the org? That example resonates, but I have no idea what L____H is.