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(This may be obvious, but I want to hear it from you). Why add "kind"? Why not just "actionable and specific"?

by vladf 8y ago

xsmasher 8y ago
If you don't deliver a critique with kindness then the ego gets engaged, the shield goes up, and the target becomes unreceptive. You become the attacker/enemy.
onenite 8y ago
Many people, especially those not used to receiving and handling feedback, can misinterpret feedback as petty criticism or even as a personal attack. Being kind may help reassure the recipient of the feedback that we're actually trying to help them rather than hurt them.
exikyut 8y ago
Because criticism is the process of sitting square in the middle of the "sourest spot" of our failings and faults, and staying there for a few moments. It's never fun. So if someone who needs to shove something we're doing incorrectly in our faces so we can re-prioritize, and they don't do it kindly, that's kind of abusive, and very imbalanced. In that moment there needs to be acknowledgement and recognition of universal imperfection and vulnerability, and not "you're the worst person in the world right now." Comparing ourselves with others is incredibly toxic. It makes the condemner think they've truly "made it" (which in itself is a gigantic lie) and get complacent, and it makes the condemned think there's no point in going forward. So it slows both parties down! -- NB. Written because I compared what I was going to say with the two comments that were written, and I decided what I was going to say was more interesting and insightful and would attract more comments. Karma is an incredibly unhelpful digital sugarcube, I don't take it well (ref: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15634577 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15634577, https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16384194 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16384194).
HeyLaughingBoy 8y ago
Because many people (programmers seem especially susceptible to this) use "actionable and specific" as an excuse to be jerks.
guiambros 8y ago
If the person delivering feedback doesn't "care" about the person receiving it, you'll never get the tone right, and will never create the emotional connection that is so necessary for the feedback to be internalized. The receiving end will hear the words, but much harder to act on it. Kim Scott wrote extensively about this in her book "Radical Candor" [1]. Do yourself a favor and skip the video snippets and TED talks, and go straight to the book (so you don't get caught up on the click-baity "radical candor quadrant"). This is particularly true if you manage teams - or ever aspire to. The author is a former Googler and used to report to Sheryl Sandberg during the early days, before going to Apple and working with Jobs and Tim Cook, and more recently with Dick Costolo on Twitter. This is one of those books I wish I had read when I started my career. It would have saved me from so much pain and mistakes learned the hard way. [1] https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Candor-Kick-Ass-Without-Humanity/dp/1250103509/ https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Candor-Kick-Ass-Without-Human...
donw 8y ago
Few things are truly obvious, so this is a good question. There are a lot of good answers here, but I feel compelled to add one more. Kindness... opens doors. By being kind, your feedback is much more likely to actually benefit the person on the receiving end of it, which is the point of giving feedback in the first place. Kindness also reminds us to look at not just the things that we don't like, but also at the good, and to give credit wherever and whenever it is due. Here, for example, I could just have replied with an answer or a link to an article. That wouldn't have been unkind, per se. But you did ask a good question! Other people that read my reply may have wondered the same thing, and so by raising this, you helped all of those other people. Moreover, in looking back on things, I struggle to think of a time in my life when being unkind was a net benefit to me. Doing things that don't help me... doesn't sound like a solid strategy for winning. :) So, in general, I make it a point to Always Be Kind, and encourage others to do the same.

(This may be obvious, but I want to hear it from you). Why add "kind"? Why not just "actionable and specific"?

by vladf 8y ago

(This may be obvious, but I want to hear it from you). Why add "kind"? Why not just "actionable and specific"?

If you don't deliver a critique with kindness then the ego gets engaged, the shield goes up, and the target becomes unreceptive. You become the attacker/enemy.

onenite 8y ago

Many people, especially those not used to receiving and handling feedback, can misinterpret feedback as petty criticism or even as a personal attack. Being kind may help reassure the recipient of the feedback that we're actually trying to help them rather than hurt them.

exikyut 8y ago

Because criticism is the process of sitting square in the middle of the "sourest spot" of our failings and faults, and staying there for a few moments. It's never fun. So if someone who needs to shove something we're doing incorrectly in our faces so we can re-prioritize, and they don't do it kindly, that's kind of abusive, and very imbalanced. In that moment there needs to be acknowledgement and recognition of universal imperfection and vulnerability, and not "you're the worst person in the world right now." Comparing ourselves with others is incredibly toxic. It makes the condemner think they've truly "made it" (which in itself is a gigantic lie) and get complacent, and it makes the condemned think there's no point in going forward. So it slows both parties down! -- NB. Written because I compared what I was going to say with the two comments that were written, and I decided what I was going to say was more interesting and insightful and would attract more comments. Karma is an incredibly unhelpful digital sugarcube, I don't take it well (ref: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15634577 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15634577, https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16384194 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16384194).

HeyLaughingBoy 8y ago

Because many people (programmers seem especially susceptible to this) use "actionable and specific" as an excuse to be jerks.

guiambros 8y ago

If the person delivering feedback doesn't "care" about the person receiving it, you'll never get the tone right, and will never create the emotional connection that is so necessary for the feedback to be internalized. The receiving end will hear the words, but much harder to act on it. Kim Scott wrote extensively about this in her book "Radical Candor" [1]. Do yourself a favor and skip the video snippets and TED talks, and go straight to the book (so you don't get caught up on the click-baity "radical candor quadrant"). This is particularly true if you manage teams - or ever aspire to. The author is a former Googler and used to report to Sheryl Sandberg during the early days, before going to Apple and working with Jobs and Tim Cook, and more recently with Dick Costolo on Twitter. This is one of those books I wish I had read when I started my career. It would have saved me from so much pain and mistakes learned the hard way. [1] https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Candor-Kick-Ass-Without-Humanity/dp/1250103509/ https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Candor-Kick-Ass-Without-Human...

donw 8y ago

Few things are truly obvious, so this is a good question. There are a lot of good answers here, but I feel compelled to add one more. Kindness... opens doors. By being kind, your feedback is much more likely to actually benefit the person on the receiving end of it, which is the point of giving feedback in the first place. Kindness also reminds us to look at not just the things that we don't like, but also at the good, and to give credit wherever and whenever it is due. Here, for example, I could just have replied with an answer or a link to an article. That wouldn't have been unkind, per se. But you did ask a good question! Other people that read my reply may have wondered the same thing, and so by raising this, you helped all of those other people. Moreover, in looking back on things, I struggle to think of a time in my life when being unkind was a net benefit to me. Doing things that don't help me... doesn't sound like a solid strategy for winning. :) So, in general, I make it a point to Always Be Kind, and encourage others to do the same.