6 ms·

I think a lot of parents don't know how to effectively parent and make up for that with enthusiasm. Too much involvement, not enough parenting. I am guilty of t

I think a lot of parents don't know how to effectively parent and make up for that with enthusiasm. Too much involvement, not enough parenting. I am guilty of this.

MaxBarraclough 8y ago
Which leads to the question of how one teaches general parenting skill.
- stcredzero 8y ago
  We simply don't live together enough to observe other parents enough to get the right information. We only see surfaces nowadays.
  - charlchi 8y ago
    I mean it's obvious that the vast majority of people, parents and their children, are spending too much time in front of a computer, TV or phone screen. I'm 20 now, growing up I barely had any contact with my father besides maybe an hour around the dinner table a day. That's when we actually sat around a dinner table. For the vast majority of my early childhood and teens we never did.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- citizenkeen 8y ago
  My wife is a pediatric occupational therapist. My dad's always saying "There's no book on parenting." My response if always "Screw you, yes there is. But you went to business school." You can pay someone to fix your injuries, or broken pipes, but you can't pay someone to raise your kids. When my son was born, I went into it with the knowledge of three highly rated books on Amazon I had picked at random. My wife went into it with years of experience dealing with difficult kids. She worked at a feeding clinic at a research institute, helping parents figure out how to get their kids to eat their vegetables. I'm so grateful. My 2 year old helps fold laundry, says please and thank you, and knows to put away his toys before bath time. I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't married this woman. I don't know where I would have gotten the skills I have now.
  - nugget 8y ago
    So what would you recommend for potential parents who don't have the years of hands-on experience that your wife had?
    - analog31 8y ago
      Be born with genes for incredible self discipline and emotional stamina, and your kids are likely to be born with those genes as well. In fact, all the books I read said that you have to apply the techniques with total consistency and regularity, or the method doesn't work. That's something I'm utterly incapable of doing.
      - dragonwriter 8y ago
        > In fact, all the books I read said that you have to apply the techniques with total consistency and regularity, or the method doesn't work. Note that's long been a line used when people are selling stuff they know doesn't work, because people don't do much of anything with total consistency and regularity, so when the inevitable failures occur, you've pre-biased the buyer of your woo to find an excuse to blame themselves, rather than the snake-oil you sold them. Even if it's not knowing fraud, any parenting approach that doesn't accommodate and specifically address the reality that parents are fallible isn't going to work with real people very well, even if it might work for the mythical beasts it must be designed for.
    - astura 8y ago
      I have a nanny friend. FWIW her advice is always (paraphrasing): "Kids are like dogs, you reward and encourage behavior you want and punish and discourage behavior you do want."
      - astura 8y ago
        Typo: "Kids are like dogs, you reward and encourage behavior you want and punish and discourage behavior you do NOT want."
  - 8y ago
- Viliam1234 8y ago
  You can start by reading "Don't shoot the dog" and "Nonviolent communication"; and then perhaps "Games people play". None of that is specifically about parenting, but each teaches an important skill to a parent.
conductr 8y ago
I also think it’s a new form of keeping up with the Jones. Which is why it happens in the privileged set. Stay at home parent? Nanny? Housekeeper? Dad present at all activities? Coaching the team? All things are social signals and increased parental activity is how parents compete with each other.
- chasd00 8y ago
  my wife is a stay-at-home mom except for working at a non-profit for 10-15 hours per week. The stay-at-home mom crowd is about the most vicious group i've ever seen when it comes to status and who is viewed as the best parent.
- gowld 8y ago
  The fun part of social signals is that you can choose your own. You can hire a nanny and sneer at parents who can't hack high-powered careers, or you can be with your kids and sneer at the gunners who can't raise their own children. Or you can work long days and have no nanny and pass your kid from cousin to uncle to latchkey because you are a normal human being with no time to play status games of the privileged.
  - conductr 8y ago
    Ya I agree. I think the lifestyle signals are the new thing since the old signals (homes, cars, material things) could be faked through debt. The car you drive doesn’t send a signal anymore unless it’s a Bentley or lambo etc.

I think a lot of parents don't know how to effectively parent and make up for that with enthusiasm. Too much involvement, not enough parenting. I am guilty of this.

MaxBarraclough 8y ago

Which leads to the question of how one teaches general parenting skill.

stcredzero 8y ago
We simply don't live together enough to observe other parents enough to get the right information. We only see surfaces nowadays.
- charlchi 8y ago
  I mean it's obvious that the vast majority of people, parents and their children, are spending too much time in front of a computer, TV or phone screen. I'm 20 now, growing up I barely had any contact with my father besides maybe an hour around the dinner table a day. That's when we actually sat around a dinner table. For the vast majority of my early childhood and teens we never did.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
citizenkeen 8y ago
My wife is a pediatric occupational therapist. My dad's always saying "There's no book on parenting." My response if always "Screw you, yes there is. But you went to business school." You can pay someone to fix your injuries, or broken pipes, but you can't pay someone to raise your kids. When my son was born, I went into it with the knowledge of three highly rated books on Amazon I had picked at random. My wife went into it with years of experience dealing with difficult kids. She worked at a feeding clinic at a research institute, helping parents figure out how to get their kids to eat their vegetables. I'm so grateful. My 2 year old helps fold laundry, says please and thank you, and knows to put away his toys before bath time. I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't married this woman. I don't know where I would have gotten the skills I have now.
- nugget 8y ago
  So what would you recommend for potential parents who don't have the years of hands-on experience that your wife had?
  - analog31 8y ago
    Be born with genes for incredible self discipline and emotional stamina, and your kids are likely to be born with those genes as well. In fact, all the books I read said that you have to apply the techniques with total consistency and regularity, or the method doesn't work. That's something I'm utterly incapable of doing.
    - dragonwriter 8y ago
      > In fact, all the books I read said that you have to apply the techniques with total consistency and regularity, or the method doesn't work. Note that's long been a line used when people are selling stuff they know doesn't work, because people don't do much of anything with total consistency and regularity, so when the inevitable failures occur, you've pre-biased the buyer of your woo to find an excuse to blame themselves, rather than the snake-oil you sold them. Even if it's not knowing fraud, any parenting approach that doesn't accommodate and specifically address the reality that parents are fallible isn't going to work with real people very well, even if it might work for the mythical beasts it must be designed for.
  - astura 8y ago
    I have a nanny friend. FWIW her advice is always (paraphrasing): "Kids are like dogs, you reward and encourage behavior you want and punish and discourage behavior you do want."
    - astura 8y ago
      Typo: "Kids are like dogs, you reward and encourage behavior you want and punish and discourage behavior you do NOT want."
- 8y ago
Viliam1234 8y ago
You can start by reading "Don't shoot the dog" and "Nonviolent communication"; and then perhaps "Games people play". None of that is specifically about parenting, but each teaches an important skill to a parent.

conductr 8y ago

I also think it’s a new form of keeping up with the Jones. Which is why it happens in the privileged set. Stay at home parent? Nanny? Housekeeper? Dad present at all activities? Coaching the team? All things are social signals and increased parental activity is how parents compete with each other.

chasd00 8y ago
my wife is a stay-at-home mom except for working at a non-profit for 10-15 hours per week. The stay-at-home mom crowd is about the most vicious group i've ever seen when it comes to status and who is viewed as the best parent.
gowld 8y ago
The fun part of social signals is that you can choose your own. You can hire a nanny and sneer at parents who can't hack high-powered careers, or you can be with your kids and sneer at the gunners who can't raise their own children. Or you can work long days and have no nanny and pass your kid from cousin to uncle to latchkey because you are a normal human being with no time to play status games of the privileged.
- conductr 8y ago
  Ya I agree. I think the lifestyle signals are the new thing since the old signals (homes, cars, material things) could be faked through debt. The car you drive doesn’t send a signal anymore unless it’s a Bentley or lambo etc.