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> are hard to get ahold of I have a friend that is like this, he's very difficult to get a hold of through messaging/e-mail or text. When we're hanging out tog

• andrewingram 8y ago
  Sounds like he has some sort of social anxiety to be honest. You’ve basically just described me.
  • petersellers 8y ago
    I have the same problem. I get extremely anxious whenever I am in charge of planning a social event but if one of my friends plans something I always have a great time when I attend.
    • ChrisFoster 8y ago
      As a slight variation on the same theme - just the anticipation of a social event can make me quite anxious and edgy regardless of whether I've been part of the planning. The thing that fixes it for me is going to events with a clear group activity other than "generic socializing".
• deleted 8y ago
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• fimdomeio 8y ago
  I have friends since university that I would have completely lost if it wasn't from the effort on my side, for us to get together. At some extreme point I had one friend complaining that I was not calling her enough while she never actually did it herself. We have a great time when we're together and I know that these friendships are very important for me and for them. At some point I just started assuming that it is part of my role in life... to be the one that makes the phone call.
  • wizardforhire 8y ago
    This. Relationships are two way streets. Humbling yourself to this fact while having compassion for where others are at and what they have going on in their life can give you the courage you may need to pick up the phone and call while alleviating the fear that they are not reaching out because they don’t appreciate or like you.
  • chrisbennet 8y ago
    My Dad once complained that my sister never called him. She pointed out that "The phone lines go both ways you know."
• Swizec 8y ago
  As someone who is like that: Is it possible they’re just constantly overcommitted and stretched thin? I enjoy hanging out with my friends, but whenever I do it feels like I have to take great pains to carve the time out of my schedule, reshuffle a bunch of priorities, and try to somehow keep my head above water despite the reduced time in the day. What do them is a “Lets grab a quick drink” is to me a “What am I not getting done this week and how far behind will that put me?” Hence I never reach out proactively. Any spare time goes to keeping the SO relationshio strong.
  • itronitron 8y ago
    As someone with children and limited social engagement with other adults (other than spouse) I hold my last interaction with any adult in perpetuity. The quantity and frequency of interaction takes a back seat to quality.
• std_throwaway 8y ago
  Some people wait for an external trigger. If you're having a good time, meet them from time to time. Don't stress it. It's good.
• ravenstine 8y ago
  I am probably that guy to a lot of people. For me, it has nothing to do with social anxiety, disrespect, etc. It's all about how I value my time differently from others. In my world, there's no such thing as recreation or relaxation, beyond the occasional Halo game. I do everything with objectives in mind. I constantly have several thoughts and ideas floating around in my head that I have to coalesce into coherence, because one of those ideas might be worth further investigation. When someone texts me, messages me, emails me, etc., that's a relatively small interruption but can easily throw everything off in my head when I'm in the middle of a thread of thought. It's even worse if I am trying to focus on a specific task at hand. Yeah, I'm a serious person, but I enjoy the way my mind works and have been much happier by embracing it instead of treating it as a sickness (like the public school system). So when I get those handful of messages coming at me every day, I ignore most of them and reply later, if ever. I know this hurts people sometimes, and I try to help them understand. Buy I've given up explaining this over and over again. My ideas and questions around writing a line encoder are more important than your cat photos or going out for lunch, or favors for things one can easily take care of on their own. It's not that I don't love my friends and family, but I can't have their drivel constantly loop around in my head.
  • deleted 8y ago
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  • katzgrau 8y ago
    This is me exactly - and interestingly enough, the parent post sounds like a lot of my friends. I find text messaging and chats distracting from what I'm doing. But when I do hang out with my friends or family, they have my undivided attention and we have a great time.
    • harlanji 8y ago
      Cool, I’m not special validation. I like the focus on quality while present. That’s what I sell. If I forget to tell a new partner, now... we gave a great date and then she wants to start texting intensely, and feels I’m blowing her off and has resulted in anger over being led on/brushed off. No loss on my part, but I always forget on my first few dates after some time off and it results in disappointment or worse on their part, seemingly needlessly. Careful out there, fellow focus junkies.
• DoreenMichele 8y ago
  I tend to let other people initiate. It isn't because I don't want attention. It's more complicated than that. I will suggest that instead of guessing or asking internet strangers to guess, you would be better off just asking your friend a few questions. Some people are just busy. Some people just don't do text messages or don't check their email regularly. Some people have social anxiety. Etc. Etc. There can be lots of obstacles to making a connection that have nothing to do with the other person just not liking you. Only you can decide if you are getting enough out of it to keep at it.
• cm2012 8y ago
  My wife is very socially anxious and its very hard for other people to get in touch with her out of the blue. But she loves them dearly. I wouldn't take it too personally if you enjoy your time together. It's probably not out of disrespect.
• sn41 8y ago
  I am not a professional therapist, but he sounds like a person with anxiety, probably of the Anxious-Avoidant type. I am optimistic that once there is a basic understanding and respect of each person's needs and bounds, almost every relationship can be made to work.
• cyberferret 8y ago
  My wife and kids are constantly pushing me to call my friends and arrange hangouts with them. It is not that I am anti-social or particularly introverted. I genuinely love my friends and love it when I hang out with them - however I just always seem to be busy doing stuff and never really realise that I haven't called any of them for many weeks. It is just not in my nature to reach out randomly to see if someone wants to hang out. I think a lot of it is to do with how I was raised - I think it was ingrained in my psyche that it was 'rude' to call upon people and better to wait until they called you. To reach out was seeing a impolite or possibly interrupting their important work, I think. Funny how those little beliefs/lessons when you are a kid tends to follow you into adulthood.
• Senderman 8y ago
  A lot of people are chiming in on 'being that person' - it's me, as well. I find text awkward, shallow, and ultimately I spin my wheels trying to decode and write messages - the kind of enegry I specifically need for things I'm working on. Not to mention I prefer to just wait until the next time I see somebody in person so that the interaction will actually be meaningful. A lot of people don't consider the world of difference between in-person communication and making a small electronic object beep-and-buzz near the recipient on their behalf. About your question: The problem of deciding if a relationship is 'unhealthy' is very open-ended and rough. I can never arrive at a binary answer, and the topic does make me sad. Attention is hard to gauge and manage. You have some great specific questions though, like Does he crave attention in the same way, Why doesn't he like messaging, etc. You two should find a way to talk about it. That's what I'd do. All I know for sure is that relying on electronic communication can have weird and annoying effects on friendships where neither person quite realises there's a problem.
• apatters 8y ago
  One thing to consider is that social networks are naturally unequal. They have hubs and connectors and edges. Which one are you? Which one is he? I think a hub will tend to have more shallow relationships because he has so many connections and there's only so much time in the day. Someone with few connections may be much more invested in each one. I'm not making any value judgments here I am just describing the terrain. On the other hand, maybe he just doesn't like to be glued to a screen chatting with people all day. I freakin' hate it and have made great efforts to cut down.
• amorphous 8y ago
  No, it's just that other people have different ways to use technology. I'm very text-based, so writing a quick message fits me best. I have a friend, non-tech, very busy, very sociable, that you can only reach by calling him. I stopped wasting time pondering those questions, just accepted the fact the way people communicate can vary vastly, and if someone is difficult to get hold of then that's how it is. Better spend my time making more contacts.
• poisonarena 8y ago
  I have dealt with a few relationships exactly like this, my best friend for years was like this, and I had to just give up . Some people are socially awkward, or have weird hang ups, and you should afford more lenience in those cases maybe. But I have noticed that some seem to actually get satisfaction from the power of being wanted that way. Like pleasure from 'leaving you on read'. When I was younger in my late teens early twenties this was mostly experienced with new romantic interests acting cool or trying to make themselves a rare commodity, but when that happens in a plutonic relationship I wont even bother with the person..