5 ms·

Ask HN: Equal treatment or robbing of feminity?

A sincere question to female engineers and not only. I'm having issues finding a comfortable spot in communicating with my female colleague. I sense that she is a bit unhappy that we are robbing her off her feminity with our "equal" treatment. But she is a bit (IMO, of course) of an insecure person and hence I may be just misreading something. Since this keeps bothering me, I'd like to hear opinions from female engineers and others who found/observed that balance. Where is the line? I don't want to have cold professional relationship, I want to actually connect with everyone on the team. To avoid any sort of flame here, I beg you to avoid any frustration venting here. Just advice. Edit: of course, if you have good reads to point to, please share. Edit2: I'm based in Northern Europe, but the environment is very international.

mping 8y ago
What country are you? I find that sensitivity is highly cultural.
- sensitiveqstn 8y ago
  I'm based in Northern Europe, but the environment is very international.
cimmanom 8y ago
Female engineer here. What do you mean by "robbing her of her femininity"? And how would equal treatment do that? Damn straight I want to be treated as an equal. A professional relationship on equal footing doesn't have to be a "cold" relationship. Why would it? And yes, I'm highly tempted to vent here in large part because I really don't understand this question at all. Can you please explain further what you're trying to get at?
- sensitiveqstn 8y ago
  Thank you for your patience. 1) Many women dress nicely. Some for themselves, some to impress others as well, most to impress the opposite gender. I can't see myself complimenting my female colleagues on the outfit, while I would definitely complement non-work-related female acquaintances. 2) My colleague is a great engineer. Saying "You are a great engineer" is ok, saying "You are a proof that girls can kick ass in engineering" I feel is a no-no. In the first case I'm completely ignoring that she's a woman. And I understand that it is ok, that the "you are a woman" prism should be out of the optics. I think that many women want to be seen as women at their workplaces, just without any advances, condescension (mostly tech thing), harassment etc. Firstly a professional, secondly a woman. I hope this makes it clearer.. or am I just an unaware misogynist?
  - cimmanom 8y ago
    That you're asking rather than assuming is a good first step. I've been meaning to give this the more thorough response that it deserves, but this week has been crunch time. Just want to let you know that I do intend to respond when time allows.
fiiv 8y ago
Why does treating someone as equal make the relationship cold? You have this with your male colleagues, right?

mping 8y ago

What country are you? I find that sensitivity is highly cultural.

sensitiveqstn 8y ago
I'm based in Northern Europe, but the environment is very international.

cimmanom 8y ago

Female engineer here. What do you mean by "robbing her of her femininity"? And how would equal treatment do that? Damn straight I want to be treated as an equal. A professional relationship on equal footing doesn't have to be a "cold" relationship. Why would it? And yes, I'm highly tempted to vent here in large part because I really don't understand this question at all. Can you please explain further what you're trying to get at?

sensitiveqstn 8y ago
Thank you for your patience. 1) Many women dress nicely. Some for themselves, some to impress others as well, most to impress the opposite gender. I can't see myself complimenting my female colleagues on the outfit, while I would definitely complement non-work-related female acquaintances. 2) My colleague is a great engineer. Saying "You are a great engineer" is ok, saying "You are a proof that girls can kick ass in engineering" I feel is a no-no. In the first case I'm completely ignoring that she's a woman. And I understand that it is ok, that the "you are a woman" prism should be out of the optics. I think that many women want to be seen as women at their workplaces, just without any advances, condescension (mostly tech thing), harassment etc. Firstly a professional, secondly a woman. I hope this makes it clearer.. or am I just an unaware misogynist?
- cimmanom 8y ago
  That you're asking rather than assuming is a good first step. I've been meaning to give this the more thorough response that it deserves, but this week has been crunch time. Just want to let you know that I do intend to respond when time allows.

fiiv 8y ago

Why does treating someone as equal make the relationship cold? You have this with your male colleagues, right?